Here is a good book that will give you some ideas. The main topic may or may not fit your circumstances, however, there are many materials the author references to read next and there are good points made in the book. Men Who Hate Women & The Women Who Love Them by Susan Forward, Ph.D. and Joan Torres. Good luck.

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As a rule, there is very little self awareness that occurs in those that suffer from these disorders. Medication is a must, as well as family therapy. Stop blaming yourself. Read: Is it you, me, or the adult ADD? Also, read Dr. Fieve's book on Bipolar II. If he doesn't want to change, then you must move on with your life, yes, your life, particularly if it is unbearable. LIfe is way too short.

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Houston is so right, that self-awareness is not there for many bipolar sufferers. You are keenly aware, but that does not help him to be aware, even when you confront him. It is not your fault, you didn't cause it, and you do not have any power whatsoever to change his behavior. Medication is critical for him to be able to manage the multiple disorders. Since you cannot fix what is going on in his mind, you might need to ask yourself the really tough question. Can you live with it? If nothing changes, can you live your life this way? It's not that you don't want to help, it's just that you don't have the power to do it. Sorry for the harsh reality check, but all of your love in the world for him just isn't effective in this case.

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May not apply here but for many people, including me, these medications cause some pretty severe mood swings. I chose to stop taking them because of complaints from my family.

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You didn't say if your husband has been diagnosed by a doctor as bipolar/manic and ADHD and OCD. It seems that his behavior points to Bipolar, but an actual Dr. diagnosis is important, because bipolar can be treated with medication. If it is not bipolar, it might be deep clinical depression, which can also be treated. I have been married for 27 years (our anniversary is coming up in 2 days!!). For the first 24 years of our marriage, my husband was very extremely moody. I can't tell you how many times I thought of walking out and not coming back. I never knew when I came home from work what mood he'd be in; sometimes very dark, sometimes very angry. Always aimed at me. I never knew "what I'd done wrong", especially since I'd been gone all day. I can remember one day coming home to a completely dark house (inside and out) except for the TV. My husband was sitting in the living room watching TV in the dark house. I said "Hi", NO response. I turned the kitchen light on, and sat in the kitchen by myself all evening.

For 24 years, I walked on eggshells with my stomach in knots not knowing what to expect. I went on anti-depressants, which helped me tremendously. I also read about depression, and talked about what I read, the symptoms. My husband saw himself in those symptoms, and wondered if maybe he needed help. He has been on Zoloft now for 3 years, and he is a totally different person. Consistently pleasant, happy, he even chats with clerks in the grocery store and talks on the phone (unheard of before). Just thought I'd share my experience. It might not at all be what your husband's situation is, but for what's it's worth....

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Unconditional Love is the most important gift you have give you husband, self and children. It takes acceptance. ADHDer do not feel accepted. Their whole lives people have been "correcting" them - that makes them very defensive. It takes Faith. Faith in God to know and understand what you are going through.

We have ADHD and mental health issues as well and the terrible family/upbringings....so I totally understand.

Sleep apena was a big problem that turned my husband from Teddy Bear to a Grizzly Bear. We got him a sleep study and a C pap machine and his happy go lucky personality returned. Sleep Deprovation makes people act crazy!

An ADHD'er can never been truly accountable for thier actions - it is too overwhelming and try as they can they just cant change as easily as the nonADHD person. They certainly cannot do it on their own and they cant do it while being critized. They need support and therapy - like coaching, neruofeedback, meditation, etc.

Know that your husband has ADHD and that is not going away. Having ADHD causes a host of other problems like depression. It is difficult for everyone.

**The BEST advice I ever read about being married to someone with ADHD is to live in the moment and not react. Just dont let the offending behavior effect you. Imagine they had a disorder that makes them say and do things they dont mean (they do). Dont let your feelings get hurt - it just complicates things. Just tell yourself "They love me and they didnt mean it." * When my husband does something that offends me I just tell him "I love you." Nothing more and then I let it go. It was really hard at first, but got easier and so much so that I hardly even notice all his missteps any more. It has been about 3 years since I started using this advice.

Imagine how hard it is for them. What if we acted on every impulse we had - we would be stepping on people toes all over the place and ruining relationships left and right. I have been married 20 years and this is the best advice ever. Just let it go. Nothing is more important than love, acceptance and peace.

Just let it go because you love them.

Just let it go because you understand.

It will create so much peace in your home and relationship. ADHD has so much negativity, refuse to add to it for your spouse - family - self. Accept the bad with the good.

It is a brain based disorder and medication can help, but it is not without side effects. We are fighting biology. It is like asking a deaf person to hear. No matter how fustrated you get with them - their body isnt going to change.

Having ADHD and/or mental health issues means needing the best of everything - Super Parents, Super Spouse, Great Nutrition, Lots of Exercise, A Great Doctor, Lots of Sleep, Great Schedule etc, etc. more than what is humanly possible - lots of balls to juggle. Do the best you can - accept you spouse, accept yourself. Breathe!

There other advice that has been HUGE changes in our relationship is the book Gettng the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. It teaches really structured listening and very non confrontive ways to deal with problems. It is called Imago Therapy. It is a must have for those with ADHD, mental health problems and poor upbringing. It heals and promotes intimacy!!! It is had work, but it is magic!

Best Wishes!!!

PS - the other advice that has helped me is when my mother asked me if I could love my husband with ADHD the way I hope my daughter-in-laws will love my sons with ADHD? It really changed my pradym!!!

Love is the key!!! Unconditional Love!!!!!

40 Day Love Dare is also awesome!!!

Keep up the good fight! Perserve for love, for your husband, for yourself, and for you kids. Once you surender, instead of fighting the tide, you will find peace and pleasure in your relationship.

Go on date nights and remember why you feel in love with him.

Forgive him.

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My wife says I am a Dr Jeckle. She says I am always yelling at her and is worry she can never do anything right. I knew my wife was a semi-slob when I married her after going out for 3 years. I know I should accept her as she is but a messy home ( clothes everywhere, dishes in sink for a week, only cleaning enough to cook. ) and now she has a dog. I am taking medication for both ADHD and Depression use a C pap, High BP, diabetes and just turned 50. I am hanging on by a string at work, not because I don't do my job, but because I can't press a button on my phone logging myself in from break on time (company requires you to log out and take 2 breaks). I am back in my seat 5 minutes before my break is over but all it takes is one mail, one question, or thought on my mind. I worked hard to do well in my job 5 years, I could lose 65k a year to nothing because of being 1min late logging back in. There are times I just break down and cry, because my wife doesn't understand the worst I feel the worst my ADHD gets. When I am feeling bad , I get more wrapped up in my thoughts and drift. I know its not fair to make demands on her to change habits, but I tell her lets do it together, but she reverses back to her old behavarior. She says if I were harder on her she might do better, I told her I want a partner not a dog. We both are working and fear rules my world with at the moment and I am trying to pull my life back under control.. also for got she is on medication for depression. Don't get me wrong I love my wife more then life itself But I need a clean home so I can focus on other areas of my home. And believe me there have been many nights where I was up on a work day until 4am (work at 10am) cleaning the house. I just don't know what to do, but she just told me an hour ago she will try harder. I can only hope we do better.

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Now I will be honest I am far from a slob , I pick up after myself , considering the fact that when I was younger I was a slob . Fact of the matter my ADD is not as severe as my husband's , my only issues are that I tend for forget stuff when I'm tired of when I am rushed , but other than that my ADD is not as severe as my husband's . My husband is cronicly late to everything , simply because he get distracted way too much & way too easly , my husband is never organized , on top of his ADHD , he is also OCD ( Obbsessive Compulsive Disorder) Now as far as the Dr. Jeckle/ Mr Hide pesonality , he has been showing lately , I am really starting to think that my husband is also Bipolar / Manic depressive , the reason why i say this is because he has had bouts of paronoya , where he states that he has camera's in his eyes, that there is a tracking device inside of him , that every one follows him , that people signal behind his back , he has accussed me many times of signaling behing his back . My husband has a lot of pent up anger towards one of his brother's , plus he also has alot of other issues with the rest of his family members , my husband grew up in a very very very disfunctional house hold , there was alot of verbal abuse, as well as physical abuse and drugs , in the environment that my husband grew up in . My husband has done some messed up things in his life, for one he's a convicted felon , he's been to prision three times , he's had a past history with drugs such as crack cocaine ,. Thankfully tho, he's been clean and sober from drugs as well as crimal life style for the last 6 yrs . I love my husband with all my heart & soul, I've seen him over come so much , and I know with out shadow of doubt that he can over come the anger & resentment that he has towards his brother', I know dealing with all the issues that he has with the rest of his family memebers isn't going to be easy , I know that him going to anger management isn't going to be an easy thing for him but it will help him in the long run . I have told my husband many times that him carrying arround emotional toxic mess he's got inside of him , is going to end up turning him into a bitter old man . I've told him that he has to love himself , before he can love anyone else.

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Thanks PO for your response. Your experience and approach to your relationship are very encouraging. I've spent so much time trying to "fix" my husband, which has left me stressed out, frustrated and resentful. I think we can all learn from your perspective by choosing to just let go of things. It is tough to do sometimes, but I think you've got it right. I am looking forward to reading some of your book suggestions.

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Thanks PO for your response. Your experience and approach to your relationship are very encouraging. I've spent so much time trying to "fix" my husband, which has left me stressed out, frustrated and resentful. I think we can all learn from your perspective by choosing to just let go of things. It is tough to do sometimes, but I think you've got it right. I am looking forward to reading some of your book suggestions.

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