When your son is in that moment of not being able to control his behaviors, no amount of punishment is going to prevent the situation from escalating. It may even make it worse. From his outpouring of sadness, you can see that he didn't intend harm. Your son knows that turning anger on mom is not okay. Every child knows that but kids like ours, attention-different, neurologically-different, don't always have the skills to handle emotions appropriately.

Inherently, kids do good if they can. He is lacking the skills to handle his frustration and likely feeling overwhelmed when you are "parenting" about more than one item at a time. Think back to all these instances and look for common triggers. Were you talking about school every time or grades? Was there a common tone of needing to do better? (ADHDers usually take criticism much more personally, a much bigger hit to their self-esteem, than nuero-typical individuals.

Whatever the triggers turn out to be, talk to your son about how you can discuss these issues calmly. Asking for his input will really help him to remain calm and to feel like you want to understand him and work together to help him. Ross Greene outlines a great method similar to this in his book, The Explosive Child.

It might also be good not to focus so much on grades. Approach the discussion of his school performance in a different manner. Make the expectations on completing work and doing HIS best (not what a neuro-typical child can do). Put his self-esteem before grades but focusing more on his accomplishments.

Lastly, visit your ADHD medical professional and talk through all of this with them. There are behavioral therapies and other treatments for ODD that may be beneficial to your family. Just having a counselor structure these discussions about school may be a help.

As well, here's a great article, ADHD and ODD: Parenting your Defiant Child, http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/879.html

Hang in there!

Penny W., ADDitudeMag.com Community Moderator mom to Luke, ADHD, age 8 creator of the Website {a mom's view of ADHD} at http://aMomsViewOfADHD.com

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