Living with ADHDers is tough. I know, my son (age 8) has a formal ADHD diagnosis and I suspect my husband is also ADHD but has never been evaluated. It is certainly stressful to be the one who holds everything together. I find that I also stress my family too though when I am so intent on keeping everything together. I finally evaluated to see what really didn't deserve so much stress (a "neat and tidy" house) and started to relax a bit about those items. Certainly the wage-earning cannot be that thing, but I bet there's something you can let go of. One of my biggest stresses was trying to discover the "magic-bullet" to fix my child. I was ADHD obsessed and making my entire family crazy with it. No one needs to hear about it 24/7! Just accepting that it is in our family to stay and we can muddle through and be happy regardless was a huge stress-reliever to our entire household.

I think a routine would be most helpful to organize the rest of your family. If you need help with the laundry, for example, laundry day is always Saturday. Every Sat. morning each person in your house delivers all their dirty clothes to the laundry room. Maybe the last one in sorts and starts a load. Maybe you're the official sorter and they fold and put away. Whatever the system may be that works for you, the point is to make it a habit. Every week, same day, same time, this particular thing happens. You can do this with many family tasks, not just cleaning. If your husband is searching for a job now, he can set "job-hunting hours." Every day from 9 am to noon he searches for opportunities, submits his resume/application, and goes on interviews. There's a great article on this from the Fly Lady right here on ADDitudeMag.com: "Take Control of Your Schedule! Take Control of Your Life!" http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/717.html I also understand from the forums here that many ADHDers use the tools on her website, http://flylady.com, to keep on task and motivated.

When tasks become habit, we tend to forget less.

As for your daughter, you are certainly on the right track having her tested -- remember that it's a long process though. You don't say if she is being evaluated through the school. I would be sure to request that. If you request it in writing (there are sample letters here: http://www.ldonline.org/article/14621), the school has to comply by law. That way the school will also be notified of your concerns and start looking for accommodations and ways to help her succeed. Here's a great article on "How to Get ADHD Accommodations at School" that may help too: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/899.html.

You asked for some reading material too. My personal favorite is Dr. Edward Hallowell's books. Delivered from Distraction is a great general ADHD book that will give you insight and tips for both your spouse and your daughter. He also just published Married to Distraction this year, which I haven't read yet, but I am sure would be helpful as well. My all time favorite book on the subject though is Superparenting for ADD. It is a wonderful, positive book on nurturing your child's strengths while managing their ADD. And, of course, there are hundreds of helpful articles right here on ADDitudeMag.com.

Hang in there! You will find more calm.

Penny W., ADDitudeMag.com Community Moderator

mom to Luke, ADHD, age 8

creator of the Website {a mom's view of ADHD} at http://adhdmomma.blogspot.com

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Thank you so much! Your response was just what I needed -- full of encouragement and some great tips. I will follow through on the web articles and books, but it helped even just to hear you talk about being "ADHD-obsessed," because, as a newcomer to this world, since I knew nothing about it until my husband's recent job problem and diagnosis, I have been very obsessed with it and how I can "fix" everything. I want to continue learning about ADHD and how to help my family, but I'll work on relaxing about it, too! :)

Thanks again!

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Tiredmom,

I feel for you! ... How frustrating it must be to live with someone who has serious adhd. I am divorced, but I generally can now do tedious tasks a lot better because of the adhd meds and because I've been reading a ton of articles on how to organize time, handle my beautiful-time-oblivious-detail-challenged brain.

First of all, I think your situation is a bit akin to a spouse of an addict. I know it sounds rough. But in my experience, it's true. Your spouse has got to want to get helped. Does? ... Is he aware he has adhd? Are you concluding that based on his behaviors? Has he received a diagnosis? Is he on any meds?

The medicine for adhd does not work magic, though it can help a lot. But given that adhd is such an emotional and psychological and personal challenge, the adhder has to participate in the process. For one, you have to systematically monitor your meds and track what med at what dosage produces what effects. That takes willpower and desire. Even kids with adhd frankly have to do some cooperating with their parents for optimal results.

There are books out there on the challenge of being married to someone with adhd. Do not underestimate the severity of your challenge. Frankly, one of the best steps you can take is to fine a great counselor for yourself. This can help you work through years of anger, and help you plan how to deal with him if he's resistant to treatment.

Here's a link to a book on amazon that gets good ratings. Good luck.

http://www.amazon.com/ADHD-Effect-Marriage-Understand-Relationship/dp/1886941971 Phillyman

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My husband was diagnosed with ADHD this summer, and he is on Adderall now. He and I think the medicine is helping, but it's hard to be sure. I guess that's where your point on medicine not being magic comes in.

I am seeing a counselor right now, and she is a source of information and support for me. I think my frustration is that I feel like I'm doing a lot of hand-holding for my spouse and child (who will be tested for ADHD soon). For better or worse, my husband's executive function skills are not great. We are learning how to make our home more "ADHD-friendly" -- lots of labels everywhere, which helps my husband do things like put things in the right spot -- something I tend to assume he should know ("Come on, you go the measuring cup out, why can't you just put it back where you got it?"), but I now understand I can't assume such things. It's a learning curve for all of us.

I will look up the book you mentioned. Thanks for your support. I think that is what I really need right now: encouragement and support from others, so I can go on being supportive of my family. So, thanks!

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