Hi,

I'm really hoping that can help me out with this! I've gotten lots of advice from my doctor, others with ADHD and non ADHD females, but I really hope to get advice from a male who doesn not have ADHD as I think this will help my perspective best.

About 6 months ago I met a man and we became fast friends and then eventually our close friendship turned into more. I cared (still do) for him deeply and was afraid that all of my non-attractive ADHD qualities would scare him off and/or ruin our friendship so unfortunately I used every defense mechanism in the world to avoid a relationship, including telling him that I wasn't "relationship material". Happily, this didn't change his mind and he continued to pursue. We had a few blow up fights due to my ADHD and he stuck around and when he would try to discuss I would usually be ashamed of my behavior and shut down because I was afraid to say the wrong thing. Instead I would say nothing.

I then got a new project at work and completely hyperfocused on that and totally ignored him. I did mention to him once that I have ADHD and take medication daily but I don't know if he really understood. He then got upset that my initial attention had worn off and then pulled away I guess to protect himself. I sensed this and one nightI started an argument with him because I was upset and sad. He came to my apartment and began to ask me if I could give him the attention and be there for him as he had done for me. But in true form, I shut down and said nothing.

The next morning I woke up and felt terrible, I realized that I was only behaving in the way that I've used to protect myself from disappointments in the past, by shutting down and not letting people get close. So I went to find him and in front of one of his closest friends, I told him that I wanted to be with him for real. He was taken aback I guess and said he needed a day to thinkn things through and would get back to me. The very next day he reached out to make plans and discuss and I cancelled saying that I was busy. I only cancelled because I was afraid of his answer, not because I didnt want to see him.

I have come to learn that he took this as very hurtful and has been angry with me because he thought I was selfish and that I only wanted him when it was convenient for me. He also stated that he thinks that he must not have been very important to me as I said he was or I would have met him that day or reached out. It's been 2 months since all of this occurred and Ive tried desperately to get him to meet me. We finally went for coffee and I still care for him very much. I believe he cares for me as well. I don't want to smother him but do want to try to repair this because I care. I would like for him to know that what he thought was a misunderstanding but I'm not sure how. All of the dating tips say it's best to leave a man alone and let him come to the woamn when he's ready but that's what got me into this mess in the first place.

Advice anyone?

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