I guess it took me many, many forum, blogs ,articles to finally be able to let go on the little stuff. I still have problems being ok with my boyfriend's ADHD, t othe point where Itell myself , we're friends and everything else is a bonus

I was advised tht open communication is the key, nut u got to do it ADHD style, short and sweet. But not to press it to hard. I've tried tht ,it works. But the issues are pending. I'll bring them up in another way, if I find he's not getting it,like how it bothers me. Mine's a long distance relationship. So we don't even go out. Just e-mail,skype at his convenience cos of his offshore job.

As u read more on ADHD and how it works, I guess u become enlighjtened and , act more ADHD -wise then before. U don't feel as confused. BUt ADHD is never an excuse. If a behaviour is bothering u, tell him ADHD -style.

My friends don't know about ADHD , and so they make judgements easily, I would ahve made them to if I didn't know about his ADHD. Without meds, it's hard to control the effects of ADHD.Mine saying his used to take conecrta, but now has developed coping strategies. He still forgot my b'day. For me is now 1 step a day. If u want, I guess ,u have to read up on how to persuade yr boyfriend to see a doc.

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I agree Surya, that if you have fallen in love with a person who is living with ADHD then it is extremely important that you yourself learn absolutely ALL you can about ADHD so that you can better understand your partner, and the way that his mind works. I also agree that it shouldn't be used as an excuse at every opportunity.

I've recently learned that ADHD covers a very broad spectrum and determining where your boyfriend is on that scale and what sub-type he is, is especially difficult when you're in a Long Distance Relationship. From all the communication that Tim and I have had, I've come to the conclusion that he is predominantly the 'Inattentive' type - or he could be 'Combined' - I'm not sure yet. But at least this gives me more of an idea as to how I/we approach our relationship, now, and in the long-term.

I can understand that it must have been heartbreaking for you that he 'forgot' your birthday. He probably feels REALLY bad about it inside even if he doesn't say so. But you might want to let him know how it made you feel and that you understand now that he didn't deliberately 'forget'. Forgiveness goes a long way, and in a year's time (if you are still together) it may be up to you to make sure that he doesn't forget your birthday! You might have to spell it out to him - this feels like a very unnatural way of going about things as a non-ADDer! And it applies not only to important dates but to a lot of other things as well.

As for that 'wonderful courtship' phase, it really is the BEST isn't it! Knowing what I know now I wouldn't go as far as saying that it is 'selfishness' on their part. This is just ONE of an ADDer's best attributes - their ability to love someone with complete and utter child-like abandon (if only for a while!). To be on the receiving end of their love is one of the best experiences I've ever had and am still experiencing to a degree. One question I've had to ask myself is whether I'm in Love with being in Love, or whether I'm in Love with Tim, warts and all. (I hope that makes sense).

Given that they have bestowed their 'gift' on us, can we not give them something in return, like our understanding and willingness to accept them for who they are - something which they probably haven't experienced or receive very much of in their lives. I know I'm being very philosophical about it but it's important also to remain positive.

I've stopped reading the negative posts on all the various forums. Everybody is different and it's very easy to get 'sucked' into the 'black hole' that IS the reality for some people. I'm not saying don't take heed, just don't get too drawn into the negative side. Look to the positive and see how you can deal with it, differently to say how your boyfriend's ex-wives were able to. Perhaps they didn't have the knowledge that you are slowly starting to gain, perhaps they wanted something else in their lives; perhaps they just weren't strong enough, I don't know.

Entering and becoming involved in an ADHD relationship is a very individual and personal choice. You have to ask yourself two questions. 1) In the grand scheme of things, will this relationship enable you to be a better person; to learn, and to grow as an individual? 2) Do you think , in the end, that it might 'destroy' you (and your partner), and effect every single romantic relationship you/he encounters afterwards? I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that's the reality. It's all about choice and awareness of the decisions we make. Very difficult.

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I just want to thank both of you. I have joined this website to learn more about ADHD. It's has definitely lifted my spirit, but Shawn won't even look at it. It sometimes seem like he takes it as a joke. He constantly uses his ADHD as an excuse for everything. I really need advice to get him to understand about ADHD and how it isn't an excuse.

Met him while visiting a friend in Los Angeles. I live near San Francisco, so our relationship started out long distance. I made trips every 2 weeks just to be with him. That's a 6 hour drive.

I've expressed to him how I'd like to start a family one day with him and his answer is "Sure I'll knock you up when ever your ready." He's insensitive at times. When I ask him to try something differently, he makes it sound like I need him to follow a checklist. I'm not trying to make it sound like it's always like this. I know he is a great guy. How do I work with him about the drinking? How can I get him to understand that there isn't a need to lie?

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I don't know if you've come across it yet, but there is another very good site worth looking at called ADDerworld. If you go into 'Forums' you'll find an article called 'ADD101: What Every Beginner in ADD Needs to Know'. It'll give you a good insight into diagnosis and medication etc. Find out and learn what you can and try to relay the information to your boyfriend, letting him know that you care about him and your relationship.

Another good site, although make sure you have a box of tissues handy is adhdmarriage.com. This will give you a bit of a shock. I know, I cried my eyes out reading some of the stories but it's a good wake-up call especially in terms of YOURSELF. Don't get to overly drawn into the negative side; as I said before, it's better to remain positive.

In your situation, although you love your partner dearly, YOU matter as well, and if your partner refuses any help, you're on the slippery slope to some very dark places.

There's new research suggesting that ADHD is genetic, ADDerworld has an article about this.

Let us know how you get on and feel free to ask more questions.

Best wishes, Shelly

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It looks like a few of us here are in the same boat. Let me chime in on this too, as a woman with ADHD, in love with a man with ADHD, and in a very long-distance International Internet relationship. We are Soul Mates, nothing like this has ever happened to either of us before, and we have our ups and downs like any other couple, even on the Internet. Sometimes it is a real roller-coaster ride of emotional intensity. On the other hand, we enjoy our innate spontaneity, childlike sense of humor (making faces on web cam, giggling like kids in school over silly things), and wild imaginations, which comes in handy in the sometimes surreal "fantasy" world of the Internet relationship. We also have a built-in radar that lets us know what the other is thinking or feeling, even clear in another hemisphere, we finish each other's sentences, and can keep up with each other's quick-silver minds, we even dream with each other.

The down side of this relationship is that we can be impulsive, forgetful, and sometimes seem insensitive. That's part of being ADHD. A few times, I have impulsively broken off with him, changed my Facebook status back to complicated, or single, and even blocked him, and then gone back to him a couple of days later. Last time I did that, we were both miserable, literally sick, and all I did was cry. He is much more patient than I am, so he was waiting for me when I came back online.

The best counsel I have, based on my experience with this relationship I'm having, is take it slow, a day at a time. Build a strong base of friendship and love, and be willing to learn all you can to prepare yourself for the ups and downs that are part of any relationship, but can be especially intense with ADHD. Be open and flexible, and love him unconditionally.

Another thing to consider is that well-meaning friends and family may offer advice, be concerned and even think you should break up. The truth is only you and he know the whole story and how you feel about each other. How you handle your relationship is ultimately up to the two of you.

We don't know the future. Nobody does. So, the best thing to do is to enjoy and love each other now, and don't worry too much about the future.

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