The unfortunate part is that ADHD partners can be full of 'lies'; 'deceitful'; 'underhandedness" when their symptoms are not well controlled. I think my husband learned to do all of this to cover up for his pitfalls. All long, even when he was a child (going on stories from his mother) he would lie to someone's face to cover up for the fact that he forgot to do something, was impulsive with an action or a purchase) or did something not socially acceptable.

LDRs are not a good way to judge how good a relationship will be in the long haul. Are you prepared to take in a step child and possibly an adult one (if he's not on meds or refuses counseling)? Omission of the truth is just as bad as lying and won't help either of you move to an open and honest relationship, which is a must when dealing with an added element of ADD/ADHD. Its hard to find an ex-whatever that will say anything good about their old relationship, but there were apparently two people who loved him enough to marry him so he can't be all that bad.

There's no clear or easy answer when it comes to relationships with ADHD partners. In the end, you need to do what is right for you. Good luck!

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Thank you Carley for your comments, I appreciate them.

Tim is taking Ritalin and attends Al-anon with his teenage son every week without fail (due to the trauma his son suffered whilst he was living with his alcoholic mother), and he also meditates daily and does swim training every week. As far I can tell he has a healthy diet and doesn't drink alcohol regularly or have alcohol in his house. I know he was seeing a therapist at one time. So I gather he's not in denial.

This may seem like a silly question but are there degrees of severity with ADD? Tim is a working professional and has been bringing his son up on his own for the last two years. From what I know they follow quite a rigid routine in terms of housecleaning, laundry, and meals pre-cooked at the weekend for the week ahead. He has a strict bed time too. They also make time to go out and do things together at the weekends; i.e. cinema, beach things, softball etc.

All in all it sounds pretty much like he's got his life well managed and varied. If I am to continue with our relationship perhaps I shouldn't make his ADD seem like an issue, or allow it to be at the forefront of our relationship. I'm beginning to understand that it might not all be plain sailing.

I am going to suggest that he and I talk more openly about it. He had a tough time with his 2nd wife who he tells me kept trying to 'fix' him and referred to his ADD tendencies as 'faults' and would never let him forget some of the underhand things he'd done in his past. All this ended up in row after row and he would retreat into himself which would result in her leaving him on numerous occasions. In the end he told her not to come back.

I realise this is a tricky situation to be in. I can choose to knock it on the head and lead a life without him. Or, I/we can take things more slowly and wait and see what happens...

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My ADHD boyfrined and I have been in a long-distance relationship, ever since we started dating. It's been 5 months only. We communicate via e-mail or skype, and the occasional calls which he has to make , cos he's offshore in the middle of the sea.

He mentioned his ADHD briefly ,and that he used to take concerta. But when I tried asking him a little further like about therapy, he didn't want to talk about it. He said his ADHD wasn't a n excuse, and that he developed coping strategies to deal with whatever came his way. He's pretty good at his job, though he's had 3 failed marriages and 2 teenagers.

HE doesn't talk much about his family or past.Sometimes I feel I'm not sure what we can talk about. From our conversations, it seems he's been hurt before in relationships. Coul that be a reason he's not so forthcoming ? We're not sure when we can see each other, cos of our finances and we've got work , and I've also studying.

I guess we're taking, i'm taking it slow. But even with the initial attraction, we're not seeing each other physically, we communicate at his convenience. I can understand that cos of his work offshore. SOmetimes, I'm scared we'll have nothing to talk about or ,we'll lose the conection, COs we're not doing things together. He says that's not happening. I don't know. I'm just taking one step at a time.

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Hi Surya. I've read your posts with interest too and I know exactly what you mean and what you're feeling - the not knowing anything about them or their past. Its like trying to put a jigsaw together without the pieces.

I've spent the last two/three days reading forum upon forum trying to get an insight into ADD/ADHD. I've cried, wept and sobbed, I've wanted to run into the hills never to return, yet at the same time its made me love Tim even more. It's not his fault he has ADD. Everybody deserves to be loved and to experience Happiness in their lives, ADD or not, and failed marriages are down to both parties which ever way you look at it. ADD in a marriage I presume just makes it more challenging on every level of your being.

I'm trying to be philosophical about it. I've one failed marriage, and two long term relationships that were marriages in everything but paper. Did I try my very best to keep my marriage/relationships from falling apart? No. I know I didn't try hard enough. And here I am presented with a relationship that is going to require a lot of work and Attention, if you pardon the pun!

I would definitely say that your man probably doesn't want to talk about his failed marriages because of the hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment, regret etc. I don't talk about mine to Tim because it only brings the negativity and hurt up to the surface again in myself, and what purpose does that serve? It's in the past and I don't think it's a good idea to dwell on the past. I know Tim had a troubled and fraught childhood because his ADD was undiagnosed only until a few years ago. He doesn't like to talk about his childhood too much, because it probably hurts and brings up too many painful memories. He's made references to this to the effect that he "was a little terror and he doesn't know how his parents put up with him". I think he, and other ADDers have a hard enough time dealing with the Now, let alone having to live with their past.

One thing that Tim has said to me is that he appreciates that I don't always ask too many questions and want to know Everything about his past. He said this makes him feel more comfortable in feeling able to open up with me and sharing things with me. He doesn't like to feel pushed. I have to Respect that. Another thing he said which always sticks in my mind is that he feels so grateful that I love him for who he is, not who he used to be (I guess when his ADD was not managed properly), but the person he is Now.

So what do he and I talk about? We write lots of incredibly beautiful luvvy dovey things to each other mostly, we make jokes about it. We talk about the weather, we talk about music, films. We joke around, we make fun of each other, tease each other, we do and say silly things that make us laugh. We say 'I Love You' a LOT! We talk about our sons, about our day, or week. Mostly all light-hearted things. But we also have some serious conversations about life in general, our values, principles etc - but we never talk in depth about the 'past'. In some ways this can feel unfulfilling and frustrating, because at the start of a relationship it's natural to want to know everything about a person, their childhood and family included.

In terms of communication, the how often and when etc, I think LiveyLaughter has a few good points to make; "Generally the biggest compromise you will need to make is that you will need to sense when to be assertive with him and when to be passive. An extra tip: it’s generally a good sign for your time to be assertive when you start to miss him. ;-) "

Tim and I communicated mostly by e-mail with no texts at the start. When we starting texting he stopped communicating by e-mail (he doesn't have broadband/internet at home). It was like someone had suddenly turned off the water supply without prior warning! It puzzled me and upset me quite a bit as he now rarely responds to any of my e-mails unless I ask a question directly. So I've just stopped sending him e-mails at work. This is one of the reasons I've been prompted to delve more deeply into ADD. I thought he was being down right rude and I nearly told him so. I'm 'sensing' now that he's probably hyper-focusing on work, it's that or that work has become more demanding. If I've sent an e-mail he'll often send me a text after work saying he's "been rushed off his feet with not even a moment for a cup of tea" - His way of saying 'I didn't have time to respond'. By the next day he's probably forgotten all about the e-mail. But, the fact that he didn't think to say thank you for the e-mail or acknowledge it is infuriating to say the least. However, he will allude to it a few days later when we're on the phone! The way it's made me feel, l think, has a lot to do with MY expectations. I've expected him to respond in the way a non-ADDer would respond. I'm now slowly beginning to understand that that's just never going to happen. Wow. But, I can experiment with a different way of thinking and that's going to be very very hard for me!

Learning more about ADD has literally burst this wonderful 'Love Bubble' I was in overnight so to speak. My feet have finally touched the ground after 7 months of being swept off my feet with my head way up in the clouds. But I know that I still love him. I'm still the subject of his hyper-focus, the centre of his universe (sic) and I can honestly say that no-one has ever made me feel so wonderful, about myself, about life, about everything around me. The sad thing is I know that it'll end - but it does in every relationship, only in a non-ADD relationship it's not as intense initially and it takes longer to die down. It's the sudden bump and thump of reality after the hyper-focus has ended that will catch us out if we're unprepared and not able to accept it.

I hope this helps you. It's certainly helped me to have written things down if only to get things out in the open and not left bottled up inside.

Let me know how you get on.

Best wishes

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You're right. I don't want to push him .I'm attracted to the person I see now. It's not so much waht he was before. I'm learning to be his friend first. But it is HARD !!!

Like he forgot my b'day, until I reminded him 2 weeks later.No present, card, not so much of an apology. I guess some part of me wants ,like you said , a non-ADHD response to everything.But that's not gonna happen. He will not reply to some e-mails, will forget to call etc. I just have to remember its not personal.

I wish you and TIm the best. Be happy !!!!!

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Hi Shelly! Coming from a person with ADD, it sounds to me as if you are asking all of the right questions and are doing the best you can to understand this very hard to understand disorder!! When you asked if there are degrees of severity...well, yes everyone has different symptoms and varying degrees of them. When you are diagnosed they try to determine if you are Mostly Hyperactive, Mostly Inattentive or a Combination of Both. I personally am mostly inattentive but, no matter where you fall in their scale you probably still have some symptoms from the other category...I am very bad with time, tend to hyperfocus on things I enjoy and avoid things I don't, have a hard time staying with a task and not being distracted by something else, so I'm easily frustrated and irritable....I could go on and on but, I also think my symptoms are not as severe as some people I have come across. Medication does help! They tried to put me on Ritalin when I was a kid (I'm 40 now) but, I would refuse to take the pills and my parents finally gave up. I pretty much tried to pretend I didn't have it my whole life and never told anyone even though I knew in the back of my head that I did have it and knew that I needed some help....there is such a stigma surrounding it that I was embarrassed and didn't want anyone to know. About 10 years ago I was working as a nanny for a family with a child that had ADHD and was very hyperactive....it was then that I started doing some research on my own and started taking medication, Adderall at first and now Concerta. I can't tell you the difference it makes in my daily life and relationships, especially with my husband! :) Relationships are so hard for ADDers because there is so much miscommunication, so I hope this helps and if you ever need to talk, just PM me!! Teresa

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I do think that ADDers tend to lie about things to cover up their MISTAKES....because there are so MANY of them!! LOL!!

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As you know, I have been in a LDR for several months. We have a wonderful relationship, have done all the right things, and love each other very much. But, we have finally had to face some difficult choices, and, to save our love, we have chosen to break it off, but remain friends.

We are star-crossed Soul Mates who just happened to meet at the wrong time. Due to outside pressures, distance, financial issues, and long-term family obligations, the world just threw too many obstacles in our path. We decided we just couldn't fight the world anymore, because it was starting to affect our relationship. Rather than risk destroying our love for each other, and end up angry and hateful to each other, we decided to do it this way. Even so, it won't be easy, and it is a bitter pill for both of us to swallow, knowing that there is no hope of a future together offline.

I hope all of you who are in LDRs, with or without the extra challenges of ADHD, will have much happiness and long lasting love.

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Sorry to hear that things didn't work out. I'm in the same boat. My ADD husband decided since he was "broken" that he isn't interested in the two of us working on his symptoms and trying to get through a period of time where he's off his meds. Instead of meeting me at the counselors, he came home and packed.

I don't understand how it can seem so lucrative to feel like things are spinning out of control and live like that. Is it an easy excuse? Is it easier to say, "I can't fix this" so I am out of here?

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Carley, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It's so sad. I don't know enough about your story to make a constructive comment, only to say that it's much easier for some people to run away from problems than it is to stand and face their demons head on.

I'm on the verge of putting a close on my LDR but I'm really struggling to let go. It's like Gemini62 says, if there's no chance of a future off-line then what's the point of continuing. I'm tired of chasing rainbows, it's too emotionally draining.

In a LDR it's vitally important to have a shared goal. There has to be something to work towards within a certain time-frame, something to look forward to; i.e. being together, at some definite point. There's the expression about 'shifting goal posts'; in my LDR there isn't even a goal post to shift! Sure, we share the same dream, but if one of you can't commit to making that dream a reality then there really is no point at all.

I've found myself falling into the same trap that a lot of non-ADHDers seem to fall into, and that is making excuses for my ADD partner, so that I'm the one that loses out all the time, or puts in the extra effort to maintain the healthy flow of communication in the relationship.

I've kept a diary/journal over the past four weeks, and I'm glad I did because it's brought it home to me just how miserable and frustrated I have felt virtually every day in the last month. Some days have been up, but it's mostly be down.

This is going to break my heart. I think it's already broken, I just have to face up to it.

Take care Carley, I hope things work out well for you.

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Hi Guys,

I guess i agree with Shelly. Part of me feels I have to make excuses up, for him , and everyone can see that except me.

I don't know if its the appropriate time to start putting down boundaries. And whether he will adhere to it.

Right now, I just wanna get to know him as a friend. And I don't know , but it seems to be working, he's opening up little by little., He's gone back home for his month off work. Doubt I'll be gettin any contact from him.

You guys know how it is.

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Hi Guys,

I guess i agree with Shelly. Part of me feels I have to make excuses up, for him , and everyone can see that except me.

I don't know if its the appropriate time to start putting down boundaries. And whether he will adhere to it.

Right now, I just wanna get to know him as a friend. And I don't know , but it seems to be working, he's opening up little by little., He's gone back home for his month off work. Doubt I'll be gettin any contact from him.

You guys know how it is.

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Thanks, Shelly.

Gemii62 has a good point, I agree. I know all too well what you mean about the chasing rainbows and getting emotionally drained. I've lived a couple of years like that, only to burn out from all the "chasing". I don't even know who I've become anymore, I am so used to "parenting" someone who should be my "partner".

Maintaining a LDR is hard enough, being in one where someone has ADD has got to be hard, too. Living with someone who won't get treatment for their ADD is worse. Bringing a LDR to an end is hard, too. Consider the fact that you have to look out for yourself too. Don't fall into the rut where you have to remind him to do everything. It took some counseling for me to realize, regardless of what condition someone has, be it diabetes or ADHD, if you are important enough to them, they will address anything and everything to keep your relationship strong.

In fact, I was asking my counselor if people with bipolar disorders or schizophrenia or major depression, or any other mental health disorder or addiction, can make their relationship work, why can't I? His reply: Because it takes two people to be in a relationship and both people have to want to be in it. There can't be an "I".

"In a LDR it's vitally important to have a shared goal. There has to be something to work towards within a certain time-frame, something to look forward to; i.e. being together, at some definite point. There's the expression about 'shifting goal posts'; in my LDR there isn't even a goal post to shift! Sure, we share the same dream, but if one of you can't commit to making that dream a reality then there really is no point at all. "

Again, good point! I think it's more apparent now than ever that my husband didn't share the same dream! It's still a hard pill to swallow....

I've found myself falling into the same trap that a lot of non-ADHDers seem to fall into, and that is making excuses for my ADD partner, so that I'm the one that loses out all the time, or puts in the extra effort to maintain the healthy flow of communication in the relationship.

I've kept a diary/journal over the past four weeks, and I'm glad I did because it's brought it home to me just how miserable and frustrated I have felt virtually every day in the last month. Some days have been up, but it's mostly be down. (That's not a good sign!)

"This is going to break my heart. I think it's already broken, I just have to face up to it."

Good luck Shelly!!! I think you have finally answered your own question (from the first post) ....

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I don't know if it's because of our ADHD that we impulsively attempted to break off, or if it was facing a few facts I didn't want to face. Now, I don't know if it is because of our ADHD that our break up lasted less than two days, and we are back together, impulsively, or because we were totally miserable without each other. At any rate, we are back together. We decided to just take it a day at a time, and live and love in the Now, and stop worrying about the future. He told me yesterday that he loves me and wants to be with me, but we just have to be patient. The funny thing about that is that I have been getting that message, be patient and wait, for several weeks, from various sources, and that message was very strong yesterday. It's like the Universe, or God, is trying to tell us something. Anyway, it does give me a bit of hope, for now anyway.

I often ask myself if all Soul Mate relationships are this complicated. Why does it have to be so hard, with the long distance, the family obligations, financial issues, and other obstacles? If we can get through this, I know we will last forever. Even on the Internet, the love we have for each other is very strong and very real. That is worth waiting for.

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One thing I've discovered is that with a long-distance relationship, especially with the ADHD factor, you need to be flexible and open to changes. I've also discovered that it really does take a lot of patience, trust, and give and take. It takes a lot of love, caring, and a strong foundation of friendship.

Another thing I've learned is that, while friends, family and other outsiders may have good intentions in counseling you, how to handle the relationship is really up to the couple involved. Only you two know the whole story, and how you feel.

I've also discovered that, like any relationship, even Internet relationships go through stages and phases. Right now, my sweet Soul Mate and I are in a phase of easy familiarity. And it feels good. It takes away some of the stress, because we trust each other enough now, that we know during those times we are away from each other, it will be only a short time, and we will be back again. It's also a feeling of closeness, that when we are on Skype, we can be doing our own thing, him reading, and me surfing the net, just enjoying being together, almost like being in the same room, just comfortable with each other. There is something to be said for that.

As for the ADHD factors, the biggest problem is being too impulsive, too fast to move without thinking. That causes, or at least it has caused in our relationship, erratic and sporadic break offs, and I'm the one who is more prone to that. It probably doesn't help much that in addition to my ADHD, I'm also a Gemini. Thank goodness, he is much more patient than I am. We really balance each other out.

We really don't know the future. Nobody does. Perhaps the best thing to do with these LDR situations is to take it a day at a time, and live and love each other in the Now. That is what we have chosen to do, and it is working out for us. No matter what happens, this is one experience, one relationship, one love I will never forget. As my honey said yesterday, I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

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I had a long distance relationship for 5 years before my marriage. I'm male, late thirties and only recently diagnosed with ADD. In hindsight, the reason the LDR worked so well makes perfect sense to me. It allowed me to manage my work/school outside of the relationship. I had the freedom I needed for a week or two at a time, so when it was time to visit for the weekend I was able to be there - "all there". I was less all there if the visit was on my turf instead of hers. I was not unfaithful or secretive. The time away made me appear more into her than I was and the intensity of the visits was incredible and addictive. I enjoyed the relationship and so did she.

When we later married and moved in together, reality set in. Suddenly, the bills, the car, the house, the work and everything else that I had handled while away from her occurred while she was there. She was no longer the apparent center of my universe. My abilty to hyperfocus on her at any moment was gone. She thought the way I treated her on the weekends would be the way I treated her everyday for the rest of our lives. Laughable in hindsight and terribly upsetting in retrospect. I didn't know why it was this way and she didn't either. Any time I could not redirect my focus to her meant she was somehow not loveable enough. So, she took it all personally. It slowly destroyed her self esteem and she despised me for it.

I can't speak for every ADD male in a LDR, but I will caution you. I was at my romantic relationship best with ADD during the LDR. The daily grind increases distractibilty, stress and makes it more difficult for and ADDer to put their partner first. If you have any intentions of changing this LDR into a committed relationship under the same roof, be aware of the advantages of and LDR to an ADDer. Make the transition slowly and understand the ways to/not to overwhelm him. Once overwhelmed, you need to find a way to get space or, less preferably, have a strong shield. If you can tolerate the few weaknesses of ADD, the positives will carry you to the clouds at nearly every turn. We are great with kids (because we are just big versions of them) and create unforgettable moments. We love to be passionate, hopeless romantics and will knock you off your feet when you least expect it. Love him, but only if you are strong enough to handle it.

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I know this is a very long post

FYI, long posts are really hard for some of us...my heart sank when I saw it, and it took several tries to get through it. And I'm medicated at the moment!

I'm the ADD partner in a committed LDR at the moment, and I'm starting to realize that being accepted for being ADD is incredibly, incredibly important. I'm constantly ashamed of stuff I'm forgetting or procrastinating on, and being reminded (even gently) of stuff I should've done months ago really makes me defensive and angry at myself. My girlfriend recently found this site (and pointed me to it), and just being able to talk about stuff (and planning things around my ADD, not despite it) really makes a difference. I know it can be hard to live with, but if you make us comfortable with our ADD and show us that you're not blaming us when it's not our fault, we'll be honest.

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// If you can tolerate the few weaknesses of ADD, the positives will carry you to the clouds at nearly every turn. We are great with kids (because we are just big versions of them) and create unforgettable moments. We love to be passionate, hopeless romantics and will knock you off your feet when you least expect it. Love him, but only if you are strong enough to handle it. //

This is so true, Bikeman147. Thank you for your post. It's good to get the man's point of view on this issue.

I have found it to be so true with my Soul mate. He is so romantic, so passionate, so spontaneous, and so much fun. We both have ADHD, but we balance each other out. When a few annoying ADHD traits show up in either of us, the other one can tell, and adjust accordingly. He teases me about my impulsiveness, and just waits patiently, until it blows over. He said he knows not to take me too seriously when I get upset and do something dumb like block him on Facebook, because he knows I'll be back in just a while. I can only imagine what it would be like if we could really be together, but that's a long way off, so we just enjoy what we have now, on the Internet, Skype and video. So far, it's working for us, and we've been in this relationship since January.

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NowWhatWasIDoing said: Quote:

I know this is a very long post

FYI, long posts are really hard for some of us...my heart sank when I saw it, and it took several tries to get through it. And I'm medicated at the moment!

I'm the ADD partner in a committed LDR at the moment, and I'm starting to realize that being accepted for being ADD is incredibly, incredibly important. I'm constantly ashamed of stuff I'm forgetting or procrastinating on, and being reminded (even gently) of stuff I should've done months ago really makes me defensive and angry at myself. My girlfriend recently found this site (and pointed me to it), and just being able to talk about stuff (and planning things around my ADD, not despite it) really makes a difference. I know it can be hard to live with, but if you make us comfortable with our ADD and show us that you're not blaming us when it's not our fault, we'll be honest.

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Yes, I agree! Knowing what I know now the initial posts are soooo long even I can't read them! They do however clearly show my state of mind at the time - Confusion, Bewilderment, Hurt, In Need of Answers - and as a non-ADDer, totally clueless!

It is wonderful to get feedback from a male ADD perspective too.

Suffice to say, I'm still hanging on in there and trying to educate myself. I can see that NOT taking things personally is absolutely FUNDAMENTAL. Unconditional Acceptance is absolutely FUNDAMENTAL..........I'm learning about ADD but I'm also learning about MYSELF....I think the two go hand in hand.

How's that for a short post!!!

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