Hi Lisa,

First of all, welcome to this world of disability. I'll be honest with you but you have some really hard times ahead of you (from my experience). But, (hopefully) very good days after that.

I'd personally say that getting diagnosed and knowing what your problems and weaknesses account for 40 - 50% of the problem. So your almost half way there. Now ADHD comes with a whole package, such as along with Aspergers in your case, and Learning Disability in mine.

I'm not surprised that you lost your job because on top of having focus problems, if you are in a job that you don't like then chances of surviving successfully in that job look slim. I think you have to get into doing research of what kind of jobs suit you that can accommodate your disability and what kind of job you would like to do. Discover your strengths and weaknesses. See which medication suits you. Once you understand "yourself with disability" better things will automatically start falling into place.

I don't know too much about relationship with an ADHDer since I haven't been in one ever since I got diagnosed. In fact, I'm on this forums because I wanted to see what are some of the common problems ADHDers face.

However, common sense about love and relationship tells us this. Your husband should live with you only because he loves you and wants to spend his life with you. Not because having an earning partner makes things easier for him. Also, during this time, he should be supportive and not be pushy about asking for disability payments especially if you don't want to. Its not easy accepting that "Disability Stamp" on forhead. More importantly, if you could do things right, then you would. Humans by nature don't like doing things they perceive wrong.

With that being said, it is understandable if he's frustrated because his life is not in order as well. You should start by giving him some sort of time lines and telling him that over the next year or two, you'll be seeing how can you do work and chores with the disability. I hope he's understanding of that and tries to work with you. Instead, if he's still pushy about things and not cooperative, then _ _ _ _ him. Also, "IF" he has a good job (as you mentioned in your post), and yet you two have to worry about cash problems, then either his job isn't good enough, or you two are not handling your finances right (maybe too much debt), or both.

Good luck.

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LisaHallett said: This is my first post. Sorry for the huge angst dump, but I have to get this out. I'm posting in both the careers & relationships forums, because it's about both.

I'm 48, got diagnosed last year with ADHD and Aspergers, already diagnosed with depression and anxiety for many years. I'm taking Adderall, which seems to help, plus various things for depression.

My husband is angry and disappointed and upset because I've lost another job. This was a contract position that I thought was going well - Friday my rep from the contract company said they told her to tell me not to come back on Monday. She's going to go there and pick up my stuff, so I can pick it up at the contract office. The problem was minor mistakes - the main complaint was that I was making crooked scans of documents. (I'm a tech writer, but they had me spending most of my time filing and scanning. I hated this contract.) I had checked, rechecked, and triple-checked those damn scans, because I know about my tendency toward mistakes.

This has happened something like five times in the last ten years - tiny things get past me, even though I check and recheck what I'm doing. I was sure that with Adderall, this would be less of a problem. I know I'm intelligent, but I feel like an idiot again and again.

My husband is increasingly upset with me, worse every time this happens. He feels it's unfair to him - and I agree that it is - that he has a good job, but has to constantly worry about money because I can't keep employed - I'd say for the last 5 years, I've been working about half the time. When we got married, he never thought he was getting someone who couldn't pull her own weight.

At this point, he doesn't believe I can ever work and keep a job. I''m struggling to believe that I can, because I HAVE TO believe it or I won't be able to do anything! I can't just give in and say "yes, I'm too stupid to work, support me as if I were a baby", and he wouldn't accept that anyway.

He keeps saying "Just do things right!"

I love him so much, we've been together 15 years, but this is tearing us apart. We've had good times in the past, but this is just making things worse and worse, to the point that he's no longer affectionate toward me at all. Thank god we don't have children.

If we broke up, there's no way I could support myself. I'd have to go live with my elderly parents in another state. I can't imagine anything worse than that, as they drive me crazy (literally).

On the positive side, I'm meeting with someone on Tuesday who has a program aimed at getting people with neurological problems work they can succeed at. The Department of Vocational Rehab pays for it, but it's run out of a local teaching hospital. I've never done something like this before.

I've been feeling like I'm going to throw up since Friday, so much anxiety I can't stand it. He came home last night and said I should apply for disability payments, since I'll never be able to work. I don't want to accept that, because I don't know how we could get along with me earning that little, and because I feel like a failure already.

I don't have any friends who aren't also his friends, so I can't talk to anyone about this but my therapist. He's a lot of help, but not enough.

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Thanks so much for replying right away. I feel more in control, I think.

My husband tends to get upset and blurt things out that he means right then, but not for real, if that makes sense - and I do the same thing. Then I get extremely upset, and that gets him more upset - you can see how well that works.

I'm not thinking about applying for disability unless I've tried every other option, and I have several options coming up (like the neurology vocational placement thing - the guy is an expert in helping people with ADHD and Aspergers, and he's also had a lot of success with people with serious brain injuries).

We do need to get our expenses down. One problem is that we live in a larger house than we need (3 bedrooms and 2-1/2 baths for two people, two cats and a pug!). We'd both love to sell it and move into a much smaller one, but it needs some serious repair work before we could try that. Hmmm, if I have a little down time between jobs, I should do some research into how much houses on our block are actually selling for, and how long they take to sell.

One thing that makes things worse is that there's no way I could support myself alone right now. I don't WANT to break up obviously, and I don't think he does either (so far), but if I knew I could take care of myself no matter what happened, I'd feel better. I wouldn't feel so dependent, and he wouldn't think I was just with him for the free rent (he doesn't think that, but I don't like the idea at all). So, I could say "don't give me a hard time about this, or I'll - " but I have nothing to put after that!

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Hi Lisa,

I guess getting upset with the partner in a fight and saying stupid stuff that hurts the other person is common. ESPECIALLY if you have financial troubles.

WOW, three bedrooms, two and a half bathrooms, and three pets....... In my opinion, (based on what you've told us so far), that's the biggest elephant in the room. Don't you think you guys should have tried taking care of yourself comfortably before bringing in pets. They might not cost you so much but they still require your time and money (the only two resources I feel I have in life that need to be used with extreme care). And I'm not even gonna talk about the house......Its pretty obvious :S. I'm sure your maintenance expenses must be high as well.

Here's what I suggest; while you don't have a job, why don't you start with getting things done around house that have been outstanding for a while. Such as finding out repair cost and time to repair the house, looking at cheaper apartments as oppose to houses, etc. but do it after discussing this with your husband, so that both of you are in agreement. This way, he'll see that you are doing something useful that he hasn't been able to do in a while. Besides, looking around for a repairmen and a new house doesn't really cost much. Not to mention that getting a break from a boring job will help you too.

Why are you sooo scared about being alone? Also, how come you are sooo dependent on him? From what I've learned over the years, any relationship that has strings attached tends to be weak. You said earlier that you are 48 years old and you have been with your husband for 15 years. That means you survived 33 years of your life without being dependent on him. I'm sure you can do it now too, IF you HAVE TO. I'm sure you can find another job in another city, state, or country for that matter. So you won't starve to death without him. Remember, you should be with someone because you want to be with him/her. NOT because you have to.

You probably won't know what kind of job to look for because you don't know your habits, strengths and weaknesses with ADHD & Aspergers. I suggest you try working on figuring out your personality traits first with this disability. And try to fix your resume and references so that you can explain to future employers why you switched jobs every now and then. I'm sure you can cover it all up by saying, "I needed something new", or "the work didn't excite me anymore".... a lot of people switch jobs all the time, with or without ADHD.

"The statistics show that workers between the ages of 18 and 38 change jobs an average of 10 times. " -- US Dept. of Labor

http://careerplanning.about.com/b/2006/07/28/how-often-do-people-change-careers.htm

So you won't be the first. Most importantly you have to start for looking at least three people who can be your references for future employment.

Before taking on the next job, just make sure its something you can survive in i.e. its something that requires your brain and interaction with people. Not just simple data entry or scanning papers. Otherwise, you'll be fired again and back to square one. I really think you should try to figure out the whole disability thing before getting back into the job market. It might take a month or two at max, but its worth the time investment.

Good luck, and I'm sure you'll be fine. A lot of people have been through this situation and survived. I'm sure you can do it too.

Mr. ADD

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Things have calmed down quite a bit around here now. I got some work done on my resume, and that cheered us both up. Then we watched Mad Men, and we don't have Don Draper's problems so that was encouraging. :-)

Sadly, I had some help from my parents the first 33 years - I lived on my own, basically supported myself, but I got a little from them here and there.

We already had the pets when we got the house... at the time, we were in great shape financially, I was working full time for good money, we had plenty of savings. It was the tech boom! Then the company I was working for laid me and 50 other people off (like everyone else in 20052), and things went downhill from there.

It occurs to me that contractors may be willing to give lower estimates on our house issues than they were a couple of years ago, when they had plenty of work.

The lousy economy right now is actually an advantage for me, since plenty of people are having gaps in their resumes, switching careers and figuring out new things to do. And I do have at least four good references.

I'm pretty psyched about my appointment at the vocational program Tuesday. I'm open to any ideas they have for things I might be better at. Maybe I need to look at something completely different.

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Hi,

You said you're 48. Two issues we face at that age is perimenopause, which can trigger moodiness, distractedness, fatigue, etc....and our vision changes.

Make sure you check with your gynecologist to see if your hormones are making life difficult, and check with your optometrist to see if you need glasses, or new glasses.

Changes in both of these areas helped me A LOT!

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There you go.

Now you see some positivity :) . And if you already have references then I'm sure you'll be fine. :)

Keep us posted and hope it all works out for you.

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LisaHallett said: Things have calmed down quite a bit around here now. I got some work done on my resume, and that cheered us both up. Then we watched Mad Men, and we don't have Don Draper's problems so that was encouraging. :-)

Sadly, I had some help from my parents the first 33 years - I lived on my own, basically supported myself, but I got a little from them here and there.

We already had the pets when we got the house... at the time, we were in great shape financially, I was working full time for good money, we had plenty of savings. It was the tech boom! Then the company I was working for laid me and 50 other people off (like everyone else in 20052), and things went downhill from there.

It occurs to me that contractors may be willing to give lower estimates on our house issues than they were a couple of years ago, when they had plenty of work.

The lousy economy right now is actually an advantage for me, since plenty of people are having gaps in their resumes, switching careers and figuring out new things to do. And I do have at least four good references.

I'm pretty psyched about my appointment at the vocational program Tuesday. I'm open to any ideas they have for things I might be better at. Maybe I need to look at something completely different.

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I did get my eyes checked recently, and got new glasses - I've always been terribly nearsighted, so I keep track of that.

I hadn't thought about perimenopause for the other stuff, though! I suspect I'm right in the middle of that, and I will be DELIGHTED when it's over with.

THANKS for the insight!

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WomanwADD said: Hi,

You said you're 48. Two issues we face at that age is perimenopause, which can trigger moodiness, distractedness, fatigue, etc....and our vision changes.

Make sure you check with your gynecologist to see if your hormones are making life difficult, and check with your optometrist to see if you need glasses, or new glasses.

Changes in both of these areas helped me A LOT!

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If I had a job filing and scanning I don't think I'd last long either. I know we can never have an ideal job but a boring job is just setting people like us up for failure.

The thing your husband has to understand is that you are doing the best you can. Some things are much harder for people with ADD than everyone else.

I got diagnosed at 48 because my ADD was negatively impacting my family life. I have a good job but my duties have been changing so I have fewer highly stimulating tasks and more mundane things to do. Since loosing my job would mean everything else in my life falling apart I had to make it my first priority. I was doing ok at work and managing to give a good effort there but it was leaving me so spent that I had nothing left to be a good husband and father.

People like us need jobs that more stimulating. It is more difficult for us to focus on mundane tasks and we get less satisfaction from completing things. You need to find a job doing something you are interested in or you will forever be forcing yourself to do things you simply are not equipped for; you can gut it out for a while but eventually the effort required will wear you out and you will fail. One of the paradoxes of ADHD is that while we have trouble focusing on things we aren't interested in we also have the ability to hyperfocus on things that excite us.

My advice is to try thinking outside the box. Think about what you really want to do and peruse it even if it seems impractical. ADD can be an asset instead of a liability if you can find the right occupation. Don't try doing things the way everyone else does it; you aren't everyone else. You have to find your own niche.

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Lisa, I agree with the comment on one of these posts about finding the right job. My husband (who has ADD/ADHD) has been fortunate to find a job that is ever changing and remains exciting because of this. I think finding some information or resources that can help you pick a better career might be a good place to start, too. Hopefully this Vocational place can help you find a career that not only fits your experience but your ADD! Something that requires attention to detail like that over and over and over again isn't something that generally fits this way of life. I've mentioned this book in another post but the both of you should read it: The ADD Effect on Marriage. Its short and easy to read (so my hubby was able to read it, too) and is made a huge difference at how I see things and react to them. Its brought some peace to my marriage because I don't have ADHD and it opened my eyes to this different world.

This doesn't have to be history repeating itself, it can be the best new beginning ever!

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