This is my first post. I read some but get really distracted online. I have multiple physical health problems on top of ADD/maybe bipolar/depression and anxiety. I have been in a relationship for almost 3 yrs. He lives an hour away. Because I am disabled I have done all the traveling. This is getting to be a problem. I am ready for more, he won't talk about it. I have become so disorganized at home. I don't stay home enough to get anything done. I can't spend my few days here running to appointments at home and clean like hell. I physically nor mentally can do that. At his house I really have no where that is "my space". I guess this is whats making me so nuts. I am so different than when we first met and I know it is affecting us. We had a surprise pregnancy recently. He was so in shock at first. The mind games, or what I call them, really hurt with words said. I hate when someone says just bs'n or playing. My mind doesn't process it as such. I email him as he won't listen to things I say. We talk about trying again since I just miscarried. That is another story with my emotions being all over the place. Was really unmedicated pregnant and this just crushes me big time. At 37 and giving up even being able to get pregnant the miscarriage is hitting hard, me of course harder than him. I am having to deal with what is really before me in our relationship. I have become a person I do not like. I am like a wife to him, now he even calls for stuff when I am home. I have said I can't be a part time wife or switch hats like this anymore. He takes care of himself financially, I just pay the bills online for him. He is 7 months younger but works for parents and really has it made in so many ways. I am so scared of change but know something has to give. I can't live in 2 places w/o my stuff or space anymore. I resent him because he doesnt listen so I do even less when I am at his house. He hates when I don't wanna leave the house. When things are off and so disorganized I just shut down mentally and physic ally. If where we are going isnt mentally stimulating I am in no hurry to get ready. One day I want to do the shower first thing to get my day going. I have never been one to want to come home to a mess so I get side tracked doing crap that irritates me, though resenting him b/c he doesn't care about a mess. He wants me and my time more. He thinks I can do whatever I want while he is at work, then when he comes home he plans my time. He doesn't make me do anything. I have just lost myself in this. I don't want to leave as I hate change. With us now talking about a child I just can't accept some things. If its planned things need to be done more in the "right", in my opinion and with convictions I have. He sees no difference. I am feeling pulled back and forth of giving up my own rules I have placed on my life, just to be with him. I hate coming home alone, though I like my time. If he is calling with things to do, it isn't really my time though. If I plan to do something, a phone call, knock at door or anything just derails my day. I know it isn't all me as he has his own set of issues. I have had to learn to take care of myself, even when I was married. He has always had someone to do for him. I gave my all too early and now he doesn't understand when I pull back and shut down. I need to change something or lose me even more! this is sooo hard! Why do I attract men that I fall for , give my all and feel cheated over and over again. Then I don't like me....vicious cycle. I want off the roller coaster.. but hate being by myself. I know I can do it but its getting old, and so am I.

S

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