Being a nurse myself, I see a lot of things we have in common. To answer some of your questions, not only is compulsiveness but reflection, projection, becoming sexually distant from you (but being heavily involved in porn, affairs), verbal abuse, AND addiction common in ADHD adults (as I have come to recently find out about my husband). You are in a special circumstance, though, as a nurse. We are trained to want to help people reach their full potential and to stick with difficult "patients" and to put ourselves and our personal feelings aside. What I am hearing is that, not intentionally, you have grouped him with your patients. You can't be his nurse and his partner and guide him through this process. I am struggling right now with separating my roles as a RN and as a wife. I just bought a book, though, that has really opened my eyes to how I can effectively change the cycle of nastiness that my relationship has become. It's called The ADHD-effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov. It is fast reading and it helped me to see how I can change my responses to help my partner want to address his ADHD. I have learned that I am reacting to the symptoms of ADHD in the wrong way and that makes my husband react in the wrong way and we end up in a cycle that repeats itself. As nurses, we know how to react to the symptoms of low blood sugars and help the person through the crisis, but learning how to react to the symptoms of ADHD to help our partner through a small "crisis" requires a different approach and this book has made a huge difference for me.

Remember though, you can lead the horse to water but you can't make him drink. Deciding to leave or stay is a personal decision that only you can make because living with a partner with ADHD is a struggle and requires effort on both of your parts. Try a different approach to his comments and anger (there are a lot of good suggestions on this website, too) and see if he responds differently. If he is willing to work with you, 6 months seems to be (from what I've read) a fair expectation. But the changes have to come from both of you. How you treat your partner with ADHD has to be different than how you treat your patients with ADHD.

Any children you may have are at a higher risk of having ADHD, as studies seem to point to inherited traits. Medications do make a difference, no doubt about that, but the learned behaviors are not "fixed" with medications. We have located a local ADHD therapist who has begun to help us with the behaviors of the ADHD adult. Most of the behaviors are coping mechanisms to cover feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, inability to get satisfaction from long term projects. Most adults realize that they have a problem but to the ADHD brain, it is difficult to slow down enough to begin to address the problems, without medication.

I've had a recent awakening about how I am actually making our situation worse. I hope this helps!

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Carley, thank you so much for your response.

Today has been a hard day, he finally moved into his new flat. It was very hard for me, and im sure him, although i never see his true feelings! I feel so sad that we are in this position and sad for him but a) i cant deal with him anymore and b) he needs to have responsibility for himself and finances as me looking after him isn't helping either of us. I will definately buy the book you have recommended as any help now would be appreciated, where can i find suggestions on this website? Can i ask (you don't have to answer!) has your husband been diagnosed adhd? does he take medication? what changes did you see? do you get all the traits i/you talked about in above posts? I'm dealing with so many issues in my partner right now (gambling addiction, adhd, anger, verbal abuse and no sex ) it's hard to know where to begin! I'm sure for my partner, ex, his head must be mush!! xx

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@loving77,

In his article on ADDitude Magazine's web site, Daring to Forgive Your Attention Deficit Spouse (http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1030.html), Dr. Ned Hallowell says, "Realize that these problems [arising from ADHD] don't indicate a willful disregard of you or of responsibility, but rather an involuntary, intermittent disregard of just about everything. This is the devilish nature of ADHD. Keep that (and his good qualities) in mind when you want to strangle him. As long as he is willing to work with you — and maybe with a professional as well — progress can be made. Total victory? Complete cure? No. But progress."

Here's another article that may help, 10+ ADD Relationship Tools for Lasting Love: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/7504.html. And one more regarding your inquiry about disinterest in sex: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1893.html

I hope these articles shed some light on what your partner is going through and what you both can do to try to make the relationship work. Hang in there!

Penny W., ADDitudemag.com & ADDConnect.com Community Moderator ADHD Momma to Luke, age 7 creator of the Website {a mom's view of ADHD} @ http://adhdmomma.blogspot.com

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i FEEL LIKE SO MANY THAT ADHD IS NOT A EXCUSE FOR BAD BEHAVIOR; BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT SOMETIMES MY ADHD WILL GET IN THE WAY OF MY MARRIAGE. i HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A PORN SITE OR HAD AFFAIR BUT I DO KNOW THE THRILL OF RISKY BEHAVIOR SUCH A AUCTIONS ON EBAY AND GAMBLING. THESE THINGS I ADVOID LIKE IT IS THE PLAQUE BECAUSE I REALIZE HOW ALLURING IT CAN BE. UNFORTUNATELY YOUR BOYFRIEND IS BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO SEE HIS BEHAVIOR FOR WHAT IT IS REALLY IS. HURTFUL!! ALSO HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE LUMPED IN WITH ALL YOUR PATIENTS EACH AND EVERYONE OF US IS TOTALLY UNIQUE WITH SOME SIMILARITIES . HE WILL HAVE TO BE WILLING TO REALLY LOOK AT HIMSELF AND ADMIT THAT GAMBLING IS GOING TO FINANCIALLY RUIN HIM AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE THERE FOR THE FALL OUT WHICH MAY HAPPEN SOONER THAN LATER.I HAVE SPENT THOUSANDS ON E-BAY BEFORE I REALIZED HOW INTENSE INTO IT I WAS BECOMMING AND AT LEAST I GOT PRODUCTS . AS FOR THE SEX MANY ADHD HAVE AFFAIRS BECAUSE IT STIMULATING AND IT SOMETIMES SO HARD FOR US TO FOCUS IN THE ACT ITSELF. I AM LUCKY THAT MY HUSBAND UNDERSTANDS THAT AND HAS ALWAYS KEPT IT INTERESTING. I DO HAVE MANY MALE FRIENDS BUT IT JUST FRIENDS BECAUSE I LOVE FOOTBALL, MOTORCYCLES AND MANY MALE ORIENTED THINGS. I DON'T DRINK (VERY OCCASIONALLY) AND OF COURSE DON'T DO DRUGS BUT THE STIMULATING THING ARE A DRAW DUE TO IT REALLY DOES HELP CALM THE MIND DOWN AND LET US FOCUS. IF I AM UNINTERESTED IN SOMETHING IT TAKES SO MUCH TO GET ME TO FOCUS. AS A NURSE I KNOW THAT WE WANT TO HELP AND TRY TO FIX IT; BUT FRANKLY SOME PEOPLE DON'T NEED HELP OR WANT IT. AND YOUR FRIEND HE ONE OF THEM , BEFORE HE REALLY HURTS YOU AND IT IS GOOD TO HAVE HIM MOVE OUT AND NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS BEST TO STAY AWAY BECAUSE HIS LIFE IS ON VERGE OF FALLING APART AND THERE REALLY ISN'T ANYTHING YOU CAN DO FOR HIM. ONE THING I AM HONESTLY BLUNT AND THAT IS WHAT IT SOUND LIKE TO ME HE STARTING TO GO SPIRAL DOWNWARD , SAFE KEEPING GOD BLESS. (JUDI)

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First off...Judi, chill with the all caps. Felt like I was being bombarded with a hail of pelted, rotten tomatoes.

As for the original posters concern, my question is: Does he still make you feel whole? Are his faults greater than what he feels for you? Its hard to tell how HE feels about you from your post, so its difficult to say whether you should stick it out or bail. If you are constantly getting hurt, and are no longer able to sense that he cares for you as a person, than its time to move on. Life is incredibly short, and not every intimate relationships you come across will be worth a lifetime commitment.

If you feel that you can deal with his outbursts, his greatest faults, and his lowest moments for months, years, or decades, than its clear you've found someone to stick with for the long haul. On the other hand, if you feel like your constantly running up against the worst and those moments are overwhelming everything else, move on. ADHD will only explain why he acts impulsive, looses interest in activities quickly, and has emotional outbursts. ADHD, on the other hand, won't have any impact on whether he loves you or not. Have a conversation with him, ask him how he really feels about you, and then make your decision.

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My ADHD boyfriend hyperfocused on me so much, we were talking marriage. Then he went back to his home country for a vacation after work offshore. For one month, I didn't hear from him. Now ,there 's noe contact though I can see that hee's has some transactions on e-bay as he has an online business. If you have internet access, you can't atleast send me a ne-mail to let me know you're alive ?

I was reading up on ADHD to better understand him,now i feel all efforts have been wasted. A waste of my time. The ADHDer has to be willing ot work to make changes, no matter how small. If he doesn't want to commmunicate, you can't force it upon him. I'm not that desperate.But I do feel both of us may miss out on a good friendship.

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Thank you for your post, it makes for thoughtful reading!

You pick up on it well...i'm not sure about anything HE feels as he never tells me or we just scratch the surface. I'm not sure even HE knows how he feels. Most thoughts are black and white with him and he rarely touches on anything with depth or meaning. He says he loves me in his own way. He moved from London, UK 200 miles to be with me but even with that i'm not sure of his motives, and whatever they were i have to agree it was a big step. He said he moved for me, i think he needed a new start and thought he could leave his old 'way's behind. He thinks love is loading the dishwasher, cooking me a meal (he's a brilliant cook) and ringing me to see if i am ok, yes it is, but i want a deeper connection with him, emotional and physical intimacy, something we never had. He showed love in a very child like way, cuddles and kisses on the cheek. But this is a man, like no other who puts so much thought into the presents he buys me and the cards he writes. He will admit himself he is a bit of a loner and doesn't crave attention or physical contact, I do. I would always try and touch him, be affectionate, try to keep us close but he always pushed me away, didn't like being touched and found it a hassle/uncomfortable. This wasn't the case at the beginning may i add, but maybe hyper-foccusing allows it to be that way? We had an argument once and he slept in the attic, he stayed there as "I prefer the space!" He always said he would take companionship over sex any day, at first i thought it was refreshing and sweet!! He'd be happy to be my lodger, i want a boyfriend and a lover.

No decisions can or are to be made. He has taken out a 6 month lease on the flat he is renting and I have no idea what to think or do. He says he wants to spend the next 6 months proving to me he can be a better person, can be gamble free, can be responsible (ie pay bills, rent on time) manage his aggression and the way he treats me, of course i'm doubtful, I now understand that he does mean what he says, his ADHD just doesn't allow him to follow through/sustain it and hence many many broken promises.

I love him dearly but in answer to your questions his faults are currently greater than what i get back. I don't think his feelings for me are in question (if you were to ask him) its the fact that i give so much/put up with so much but get little of what i need back and it cannot work like this? I doubt i could ever trust him again and (i do not want to cause any offense here and please correct me if i am wrong) I don't want ADHD/ASD children.

xx

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witwisdomcharm said: First off...Judi, chill with the all caps. Felt like I was being bombarded with a hail of pelted, rotten tomatoes.

As for the original posters concern, my question is: Does he still make you feel whole? Are his faults greater than what he feels for you? Its hard to tell how HE feels about you from your post, so its difficult to say whether you should stick it out or bail. If you are constantly getting hurt, and are no longer able to sense that he cares for you as a person, than its time to move on. Life is incredibly short, and not every intimate relationships you come across will be worth a lifetime commitment.

If you feel that you can deal with his outbursts, his greatest faults, and his lowest moments for months, years, or decades, than its clear you've found someone to stick with for the long haul. On the other hand, if you feel like your constantly running up against the worst and those moments are overwhelming everything else, move on. ADHD will only explain why he acts impulsive, looses interest in activities quickly, and has emotional outbursts. ADHD, on the other hand, won't have any impact on whether he loves you or not. Have a conversation with him, ask him how he really feels about you, and then make your decision.

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Thank you for this, i have printed them off and will digest!

Q: does medication improve sex drive in ADHDer's???

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adhdmomma said: @loving77,

In his article on ADDitude Magazine's web site, Daring to Forgive Your Attention Deficit Spouse (http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1030.html), Dr. Ned Hallowell says, "Realize that these problems [arising from ADHD] don't indicate a willful disregard of you or of responsibility, but rather an involuntary, intermittent disregard of just about everything. This is the devilish nature of ADHD. Keep that (and his good qualities) in mind when you want to strangle him. As long as he is willing to work with you — and maybe with a professional as well — progress can be made. Total victory? Complete cure? No. But progress."

Here's another article that may help, 10+ ADD Relationship Tools for Lasting Love: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/7504.html. And one more regarding your inquiry about disinterest in sex: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1893.html

I hope these articles shed some light on what your partner is going through and what you both can do to try to make the relationship work. Hang in there!

Penny W., ADDitudemag.com & ADDConnect.com Community Moderator ADHD Momma to Luke, age 7 creator of the Website {a mom's view of ADHD} @ http://adhdmomma.blogspot.com

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Wow, just read your post and wanted to share my very similar experiences with you in the hope that it may help shed light for you and perhaps even help me! I am ADHD and was diagnosed 2 years ago. I started medication 18 months ago and after taking a while to get up to the current dose, I would say my life changed dramatically. I no longer have the very very low periods followed by highs of impulsive spending (ebay, online shopping etc) but now and again I do slip either above or below middle ground but not to the extremes. However if very stressed, pressured etc, those issues to start to rise and I have to fight to keep control. After diagnosis etc I made a promise to myself to be true to me, to not hide behind the mask of doing/saying what I thought/knew was expected of me. This led to my seperating from my partner of 17.5 years in order to not continue with the relationship just for the sake of the kids/safety/security etc and I did not have the same feelings for him anymore. I moved out into my own place and despite my determination to go it alone, fell in love very quickly and have been in what could be classed as a destructive relationship ever since. I love my boyfriend, he loves me but at this very moment in time he is sitting in the doctors waiting to request a self referal for assessment for ADHD/Bi Polar!!! He too has been a gambler, compulsive lier, manipulative, intense to the point of obsession and the past 5 months have been so hard to cope with yet filled with great happiness too! We are very much in love, have tried to seperate but cannot bare to be apart, spend a few days being intense before I panic and slam on the brakes and beg for space and the cycle just keeps going on. I had no sex drive before but did watch porn sites, I think this is because there is no commitment with porn. I seem to have commitment issues where as my boyfriend has isues with over intensity. We seem to have so little and yet so much in common. We love each other but drive each other to distraction. I currently have a high sex drive but he says I make him feel like I use him for sex as I do not want to lie in bed for long afterwards just holding (I get bored). Meds can reduce sex drive but I think it depends on what meds, dosage, other issues, etc. I know that if I take any form of birth control with just progesterone my sex drive goes off like a light switch within less than a week. I dont know what the future holds for us as I am strugling to find info about both partners with adhd, i know that life will never be easy whether on my own, in a relationship with a 'normal' guy or one with adhd. The trouble is that some of the isues that cause probs in our relationship also ingite the spark between us. I feel you have been strong to kick him out and should not feel like you have a duty to him especially if that prevents you from living your life to the full. However I do understand how you can love someone despite their flaws and despite those around telling you get out. I do not know what the actual stats are for the likelihood of having kids with ADHD, my daughter is being tested, my Dad has adhd but then I think it can skip generations. No, your not mad, thinking it could work, you love him and want it to work. I love my boyfreind and want it to work, but I guess we just need to be realistic, dont let your heart totally rule your head, be cautious, dont plan too far ahead and just be positive without letting go of reality.

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My husband has had ADD/ADHD since he was a child. The more I learn about him, the more I see trends in behaviors dating back to teenage years.

He has been on medications (this time) for almost a year now, but his doctor's assistant is really struggling with finding the right combination of medications that will work (The only reason he goes to this office is because he used to work with the PA-C before he worked in this office and they are friends.) He is consistently not honest with this guy because of their personal relationship and so far is not willing to go elsewhere. His s/s are NOT under control right now. His spending addictions and impulsiveness, distractability and hyper focus are still huge issues, even on meds, but I am convinced hes not on the right combination yet.. So yes, he has most, if not all, the problems you are describing.

When his meds wear off about 3pm, he "crashes" and is symptomatic for several hours, unless he takes more medications (which doesn't happen often). When I try to bring up the fact that he might not get theses "crashes" if his meds can be "tweeked" by a local ADD specialist, he gets mad and tells me he is not my "patient", I am not his nurse, not his doctor, etc.... and that I should mind my own business. I've even researched how to bring this up in a constructive way, bring it up in a positive light, etc. and I get stonewalled every time. I am down to the point where if he doesn't get more specialized help, I will file for divorce. No matter how many sessions of marriage counseling we go to, or how many people we see for counseling, nothing can change without addressing the underlying factor in it's entirety, in my opinion. I can work on this until I am blue in the face but I cant work on it for the both of us, if he is not willing to. I need to back off on this part and let him take responsibility for his actions (or lack thereof) and he needs to accept the consequences of these actions.

I actually finished that book last night. Excellent reading, but it is requiring hard work on my own part (worth it!)! Hang in there. Life with a ADHD-partner is going to have its disappointments, I am finding; but I am learning that it is not a "direct hit" meant at me and I am only responsible for myself and my kids - not the other adult in my life.

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I am the one diagnosed w/ ADD. I don't talk about it much. Depression I do talk about. At one point when going through divorce/loss of ability to work due to back problems I was told bipolar. I dont stress that point, just depression and anxiety. I am in a love/hate , please dont leave me relationship. I keep giving my all, then mad at myself for not getting back what I need. I have always been a fixer and see it is not good for me. I try to do and be all for my BF too, for not all in return. He doesn't see it. In some ways its not that bad but the feelings part of it is seriously lacking, like you seem to relay in your message. Never had anyone not fall fast for me. With someone diagnosed w/ depression and anxiety, but on same dose of meds for many years, I see lots of the same roller coaster as others posted. The porn crap bothers me, I feel like I am not enough. Don't watch that crap and expect me to be like them. I started off being whatever he wanted sexually, willing to on my part. That kept the excitement. We had periods where his meds, BP,cholesterol and Anti-depressants cause the lack of sex. He wants me to go overboard to help it happen and i can't do that and feel loved. I never hear those 3 important words anyway and can't take it either. Just trying to say you arent alone, not hijack your post. I too will have to read articles. Hope they will help me and this relationship. Maybe being a nurse is a hard line not to cross over when you come home. May be why you chose that calling in life. I have always taken a care taker role and hurt myself in the end. Old habits die hard. Hope I learn one day! Pray our relationships get easier and we learn to take care ourselves and not get lost in the other person. I need peace in it or get out. S

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When I started to read you post, I actually thought that you were my girlfriend (possibly ex, it's complicated) writing the post about me. I personally identify with what a lot of what you have written. I though, am on the other side of the problem. I after a year of being together (living together for 9mo) knew I had to do something. For most of the relationship she had been asking me to look into getting help for my, lack of initiative, motivation, ect... I in my own denial just shrugged it off. I knew something was wrong but couldn't do anything to try and resolve it. It wasn't until she kicked me out of the house that I knew I needed help asap! I have now been on Adderall XR for about a month and a half. I do notice a change for the better, which brings me hope!

I relate to your post because I know I have not treated her well. I know she feels I have changed almost the same as you put it "abducted by aliens". I have told her compulsive lies, been selfish, had explosive outbursts (which scare her). The explosive outbursts usually are because I feel the need to defend myself for any sort of criticism, even if I know that I am wrong. I know I defend myself because of my insecurities and not wanting to look like "the bad guy" or feel like a fraud. Only to have her find out the truth, often I feel that I am not good enough (I should also mention I have anxiety and depression too, am on zoloft for them, which seem to help). The thing is I know this negative thinking is wrong and not healthy. This behavior has caused me to say things in anger that hurts her without thought of the consequences. I do regret saying those hurtful things, often though it is just not enough to be sorry.

The lies that I have told are in actuality minor issues that could have been dealt with easily. I feared being wrong so much that I would lie, just to not look bad. I know that she loves me, but I also know that I have hurt her so much with my behavior that I don't think she can be with me again. Also, she often feels that I am being manipulative or hurting her on purpose. I too know that she has felt that our relationship was one of the most destructive she has had, also one of the best in the beginning. She has been there for me from day one, always concerned with me and knowing what to do even when I don't ask. I unfortunately haven't been there for her the way that she needed, I never know what to do and only "seem" to be concerned about myself. We haven't had sex in about 5mo, though not from my lack of interest, more from her being hurt by me and separating herself. I didn't look at porn much when I was living with her, but did on a rare occasion, though never signed up for any sites. The porn didn't bother her either, it was the lies that really got to her.

Ok, to wrap up and try to make a point. I know that I have been really hurtful to her and wish I could take back everything I have ever done to cause her pain. I love her with all of my heart and never meant/mean to hurt or cause her pain. I myself am heartbroken because I have cause my relationships downfall. I want her back and things to be great with us, but don't know if that is possible at this point. So, I really relate to your post. I know I didn't want to cause all/any of the problems we have had. I love her so much. I just wish I wasn't in my head so much. I wonder if your boyfriend is going through the same thing I am, but also just doesn't know how to do what he wants or feels and show you.

sorry so long....thanks

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