Hi,

This is my first post and I'm looking for some advice or experience. My husband is an Iraqi veteran and he has all the things listed in my subject line. I read on this site that ADD doesn't destroy marriages, people do. Maybe that's the only thing I really need to hear, because I feel like my husband is destroying our marriage because he doesn't get help for any of the above listed issues. I asked him to go to counseling, and although he came willingly, from early on he said he felt like he was in the "hot seat", as in everything was about him. I'm not one to ignore my part in the problems, but one person doing the work just wasn't enough. After many counseling appointments, my husband said he wanted a divorce.

I "kicked him out" a few months back because he started "cheating" online. I told him that I loved him and wanted him to be part of our family, but until he got help, he wasn't welcome to come home (this is after 15 years of marriage and other indiscretions that he always said he would work on and never did). We were also IN counseling at the time, and he chose this path rather than working things out with me and the help of our therapist. At the time of his internet cheating, he was on Adderall, and it seems as though the medicine may have pushed his addictions over the edge, including the fact that he was biting all his fingers until they were raw and bloody. The doctor said there was no definite connection to the meds and the behaviors but that it was a possibility. He stopped the Adderall, and we both agreed for him to stop seeing that psychiatrist, mainly because he was very apathetic about the whole addiction, substance abuse, cheating thing, but that he would continue to seek help. The VA has even agreed to see him for a multitude of issues (I was at that appt., but now he says they think he's fine and he supposedly only needs to work on nutrition and smoking cessation. Ugh!!).

I told him once that I felt like I married his potential. While dating, we dreamed together and created a future lifestyle that both of us agreed to. I guess it sounded good to him, and maybe he really did mean it, but was just never able to create it because I feel like I've been in the boat rowing by myself for years now. That's how I feel sometimes, other times I just feel like he outright lied to me. He could have saved us both a lot of trouble by honestly saying "our" dreams really were "my" dreams, and not his. Who knows.

What really kills me is that I've tried to accommodate both "our dreams" and "our reality". I've gone to a ton of marriage counseling, individual counseling, we have at least a bookshelf or more of marriage and self-help books, and I've told him that I could accept accept our reality if he just put more in on his part (I manage to do almost everything, as he conveniently "forgets" and when we create lists, he manages to mess up most tasks. I've even learned to accept this, but get so tired of always being the one let down).

So now that maybe by asking for a divorce he is saying that the dreams we created together are no longer his interest, why don't I feel better? Why don't I feel like (although I know I have) I've given it all that I could and it's time for him to manage his issues? Why does it feel like his asking for a divorce is really just a cop out and blatant disregard for his family as well as himself? Why do I feel like I should have been the one to ask for a divorce instead of wearing my rose-colored glasses thinking that eventually he'll get the help he needs? I suppose a lot of it has to do with the fact that there were MANY good times in our marriage and when I'm not feeling angry or bitter, we still get along very well and share a lot of humor.

I guess I don't know what's meant to come of this difficult time, but I think I also read here that people deserve the dignity to figure it out for themselves even if it means suffering the consequences. I think I need to keep reading more on this site and I look forward to hearing any feedback. Thanks for "listening".

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