Silentwing - welcome to the site. My daughter has had this issue for years now. She makes friends but they don't stick around very long. She just started 8th grade and it started pretty good - but already I can see the girls she has made friends with starting to shy away again...she wrote in her journal friday night that brought me tears. All for frusterations were in her entry - how she hates ADHD and hates not "being normal" and if she loses the 1 - 2 friend now she won't have anywhere to sit, and she will just go hang out in the bathroom... I just wanted to die. I asked her about it and we talked it out, but her impulsiveness and her sometimes immaturity will just always put her behind the eight ball. I am looking for groups to get her involved in like Girl Scouts or something. I just don't know what to do anymore...I wish I could give you advice Silentwing, but I am in the same boat...

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I grew up as a girl with AD/HD that was noticed by a third grade teacher but when unnoticed and untreated until about three months before the end of my senior year of high school (mostly due to the fact that even in the mid to late nineties, a lot of psychiatrists thought "she's female, too smart, and is bouncing off the wall, she's just bored and needs more advanced classes"), so I identify with your daughter because I've had similar issues.

Some of the things I've noticed from past experience: keeping normal female friends when you have AD/HD is extremely hard, but boys seem to be much more forgiving. Normal girls start playing extremely complex "social politics" from a very young age, and these politics are so complex that an ADHD girl would have a very difficult time even breaching that first layer, much less get the normal girls to stick around. My experience has been that boys are frequently much easier to get along with and much more appreciate of an ADHD girl's unique perspective and contributions. In fact, all but one of my friends throughout preschool and elementary school were boys! They didn't even care if I was athletic or not, since my admitted lack of tact led to many amusing sayings and a great deal of well-placed sarcasm that they found entertaining.

Most of my friends in late junior high/high school fell into these categories: A) slightly older or slightly younger than me, B) also had issues such as ADHD, dyslexia, or Aspergers Syndrome or knew someone who did and were used to dealing with it already, C) were the tomboyish, nerdy girls and other social outcasts, or D) were boys who didn't mind hanging out with a girl who proved that she could keep up with the snarking, as mentioned above.

My advice would be to consider encouraging your daughter to seek out friendship in areas that you might be avoiding because of concern over gender roles or whatever reason you may have; try a co-ed scouting agency such as Camp Fire or Spiral Scouts (it's mostly geared towards Wiccan and other Neo-Pagan families, but they are extremely open and welcoming by nature and most of the kids in those groups have dealt with similar issues at school). Girl scouts at this point, unless you interview the group and discover that they already have a girl with ADHD who might be willing to be friends with your daughter, I really really REALLY advise against because of painful past experiences.

Also try discussing the issue with a school counselor and see if there's other students at the school with learning disabilities or social difficulties, and see if there's a way to arrange a lunch group that your daughter can sit with during lunch or free periods and share experiences. And always remember that junior high is the toughest period, but once you get to high school there are a lot (and in most cases, I do mean A LOT) more people to meet and a higher chance of meeting the right group of folks.

Since this is getting kind of long, in passing I encourage you and your daughter to keep an open mind and start looking for friends in places you haven't considered yet, and to try your best to stick it out. It'll get better soon! Last but not least, you can also check with your doctor or local YMCA etc. for a Big Brother/Big Sister type program or even just a local network of older teens, young women, and others with ADHD who have been through this already who can act as a mentor and also a resource for taking some of the stress off of yourself. This website is a good place to start, and finding an older mentor for her also has the added bonus of giving her someone with the same problems as herself to look up to.

Hope that wasn't too long, and then it helps! Just hang in there!

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Hi all, I started a faceboook group called "Parents of teenage girls with ADHD". It's a place for those of us with teen girls who need advice and support. I've read all the previous posts and I can so relate. Over the years my 14 year old daughter has been teased, bullied and it's heartbreaking! I can't even begin to estimate the number of sleepless nights I've had worrying about her, not to mention the shedded tears. To make matter worse her older and younger sister are very social and have lots of friends. After reading these posts, I went and started the facebook group so we parents don't feel so alone. My friends don't understand the struggles I face and only other Mom's in the same situation can help me as I can help them. Please check it out. Go to facebook and search "Parents of teenage girls with ADHD".

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ilyMom - thanks for the advice on the Facebook page -- I just went in to search and can't find that group. Did the name change? The group sounds great and I would love to be part of it!

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I'm nearly in tears reading these posts - you are all living my life! My son is also 13 and has no real friends (and both his sisters are much younger than him.) UNTIL I let him join Facebook. Although he doesn't go "out" he can stay in touch with classmates online. It's a great way to get past that awkward getting-to-know-you phase where his attitude usually scares them off. Because of this he now gets emails and messages from other kids his age and even went out on a "play date" with a boy from his school to the swimming pool. They had a great time and are now on the road to becoming actual friends. Also because his attention is so short Facebook is great. He can turn it off and walk away without hurting feelings. I have his password and my own page to keep an eye on things and keep it responsible so there is no problems there. Obviously we can't let him sit inside all day, so as a family we get out and about on walks and bike rides etc which is fantastic healthwise for all of us. The last 13 years have been at times the worst of my life due to the ADHD but now my son is much happier, he feels included and we are all as a family moving forward towards (hopefully) better, calmer times. Good luck with your family, and hope this helps!

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My daughter has a difficult time making new friends as well. She was diagnosed with ADHD the summer before 1st grade. She is now in 2nd and not medicated. She loves to write stories that are creative and reads well. Homework is not an issue and she is not medicated. I wonder if her diagnosis was wrong or if she is not severe? Anyway, back to making friends. She is an extremely emotional child. She doesn't like to get anyone in trouble and will sometimes become angry or frustrated. She also can be jealous EASILY, and want just her friends to herself. I have not had much success with sleepovers at our house because of her behaviors. She does well at other people's houses (go figure!) She recently went to a sleepover/birthday party with 9 other girls. She rolled her eyes when others were coming in. I thought- "oh boy, here we go". Although I usually get a good report the next day from the other mother. Some older girls that are not in her grade but she is in afterschool with have not been nice to her, and sometimes she brings those behaviors home. It's very frustrating. I want her to continue to be friends with these girls, in the hopes that she can ignore some of the things they say, or rolling of their eyes, and sarcasim (sp?) Other days, they all are the best of friends. Girls are SO much harder to be-friend because of how we are created. Anyway, any advise would be great on how to have her be-friend new girls in class, or anywhere. She is a GREAT kid all around, but is sassy :)

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I feel my daughter probably has ADHD, especially after reading these posts. She is 13 and immature for her age, likes to play with the younger kids. Can be bossy, doesn't get invited to do much. Has been called annoying. Has been told repeatedly to "act her age". Is doing well in school, I thought she was just distracted easily like I am. Maybe I have ADHD too. Jumps right in and speaks her mind, doesn't hold back and reflect like others. Likes to tease sometimes takes it past others patience. BIG HEART. Doesn't get asked over much, 11 year old down the street is her best friend, she has learning disabilities. These two have a hard time getting along. Hard to teach my daughter to stop and think about others feelings. She is great at it except on the fly she doesn't always think. She has not been lonely too much, lots of kids in the neighborhood and I always ask her to invite them over, sometimes we have a whole house full of kids. Maybe this is a good way for kids to be social without too much one on one which can be challenging. As she gets older I'm not sure what will happen, kids are getting to old to come over and "play". A friend at work said she still has her boys friends over at her house all the time so she can keep an eye on them. She says she spends extra money on snacks and makes a comfortable place for kids to hang out. That's probably what I will be doing. Do ADHD kids get along with each other? Maybe we could start an online group or set up activities. One more thing, she has come to me many times over the years and stated "I'm different". I told her I didn't know what she meant. Maybe now I do.

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Everything that you posted here sounds so familiar. My daughter is now 14 yrs old and still struggles with the social piece. She definitely relates best to younger kids, and sometimes, even the younger ones (12 yrs old) are more savvy and in tune with what is going on, where as, my daughter is naive and hard to get on with at times. She was, as is at times, very impulsive and says things that may across as insulting or annoying. That is how she is seen, as annoying. Even with my husband and I,she knows how to push the limit...its so very hard and heartbreaking and I have cried more for my daughter than my other two put together. She knows that she is "different" and has told me that she asks God all the time why she had to be the one with ADHD/ADD (plus anxiety issues). YOu say that your daughter feels like she is different and it sounds like socially she is having a bit of a tough time. I would have her checked, with a psychologist or neurologist - that is how we found out that our daughter had ADHD and a non-verbal disability. Take to heart what she is telling you, talk to her teachers and see how she is in class - is she impulsive? Attention-span very short? Tap into the school counselor as they have alot of experience with kids that do have ADHD. I have accepted that she has ADHD and her quirks, I swallow the sadness and hurt at times when I see her struggle and now its time to move forward with the techniques and helping her live with what she has...

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AMV said: I am new to this board and have spent the last hour going thru old posts...and its true what they say about finding comfort in others that are in the same situation. I have a 13 yr old beautiful daughter with ADHD. I have watched her struggle trying to maintain friends. She makes friends, but then they "go away". Alot of the comments that I am hearing from her is that her friends think she is "annoying". She tries so hard to fit in and be accepted, but the things that come out of her mouth (nothing rude, but at times insensitive and she doesn't think before she speaks) tends to drive people away. She starts off well, makes friends, but it doesn't last long. The heartbreaking part is that she is aware of her ADHD and her challenges - and has often cried "why am I like this, why can't I be normal?". My son (10) and youngest daughter (8) have been invited more times to birthday parties, play dates, etc than my 13 yr old could ever hope to be...she see's that also. I try to "cover" it up by making special dates with her...going to the mall, etc. At times, I have felt that I have actually "begged" people to ne her friend...being the mom that is the hostess, chauffeur, etc. Summer just started and she has yet to "hang out" with anyone - she is lonely and I can see it. I don't even know what to say anymore. She does pretty well in school, but is not interested in any extracurricular activites, even though we have told her that she needs to pick 1 - 2 things to get involved in. She is very immature (comes with the territory I guess) and would rather hang out with younger kids, such as 11 yr olds, but even the 11 yr olds (the more mature ones) tend to start move away after a while....I am looking for any advice...and comments...any hope....

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My daughter (age 14) has edured the same experiences. The kids at her school took the bullying to the next level and made such heart breaking accusations accusing my daughter of doing things so unmentionable. Thankfully the police did not arrest my daughter for "lack of evidence". I have not allowed my daughter to go back to the school and have battled the board of education to have a tutor teach her at home. Took me 3 months to find the tutor because the school simply could not put the effort into it.

We have become quite close to our church and the assistant pastor has been councelling my daughter. The church has her helping out in the Sunday School class and this summer she has been asked to help out with the summer camp. Every Friday night the youth group gets together and I always encourages to go. This has made such a difference because like so many other children with ADHD she would be at home continuously.

In September she goes to a highschool and it is a highschool that specializes in the Arts (drama, singing, etc.). I am really hoping that meeting other kids with similiar interests that just maybe she will find someone to talk to.

Amazing how we moms just keep going and most importantly are always there for much needed support when friends are not there.

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