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|Thread : ADHD Spouse and friend boundary issues|
|9 Jun 2010 @ 3:30 PM|
Wed 9th Jun 2010
Threads: 1 Posts: 2
ADHD Spouse and friend boundary issues
I've been married for 3 years and together for 5. I'm finally getitng the excessive video gaming under control. My biggest issue is his friends. He talks to his male BFF an hour every morning. He randomly talks to his female BFF throughout the day also. He also chats with females online regularly. He is very open about it so I don't feel like he's hiding anything. He's always done it. I understand that, and I am not the jealous type.
Over the past several months his female bff (yes they really refer to each other as that) has gradually started coming over and calling more and more frequently. She also has ADHD. She is also hyper emotional and very needy. She constantly needs reassurance. She is now at our house every weekend. She stays the night sometimes the whole weekend. It's getting to be too much. They completely hyper focus on each other. They literally spend every possible moment together. I think somehow they are getting the stimulation that is making the relationship almost like an addiction.
We have 2 kids. I work full time. I also model on the side for spare cash. I have no free time. The time I would normally have somewhat to myself, she is always there. When I bring it up, that isn't it weird she wants to hang out with him all the time, he corrects me and says she wants to hang out with the family. Why would a single female want to spend all her time wiht my family? I don't get it.
In the beginning a lot of people made some snide comments. I really resented that. I have no qualms with a female friend. Now that it's to an unhealthy level, I wished I would have listened. Many peeople thought it was an affair. I have to say there are some aspects to it that make me know beyond a doubt it'ss not like that on his side. I do not however know what her intentions are at this point.
Help!!!??? What do I do. I know this isn't healthy but what can I do about it? I find myself just getting bookings to get away and out of the house.
|9 Jun 2010 @ 6:45 PM Reply # 1|
Tue 25th May 2010
Threads: 2 Posts: 12
My take, and a possible solution
I can honestly say, that in some respects I'm like the male version of the girl you're referring too. Only for me, both he and her are equally like family and both regard me the same way. Katie has helped me in many ways by simply being a friend and on an almost regular basis I compliment her, sometimes almost to a flirtatious level, but she and Jim know it's meant completely innocently. I do it because it strengthens my confidence and because I know it makes her feel good and in return let's me know - cool, this is what woman like. - Katie is sort of like my sound and test board.
I always watch my boundaries and periodically will outright ask her various questions about how I should approach women. I've also let them both know outright; that as a friend, she is far to special and that I could never go out with her, because I want the two of them to be together.
Overall, what I'm trying to say is that if you feel awkward or threatened by her spending so much time around your husband, it's best to confront him with tact. But, as you say, he is emotionally needy, I too am very sensitive emotionally, so what I might suggest is that you should definitely find a time to be alone with him, regardless of how you do it, be alone with him, in a romantic setting, talk about things you both love to share and discuss, then slowly ease into the topic about her. But do your best to NOT change the mood, continue the same atmosphere, otherwise he'll likely begin tuning you out. It may take more than one talk, but as long as you keep the mood cheery and happy, possible even romantic, he will most likely hear everything you need to say, and be willing to make changes.
Now, it may end up much simpler then this, but I know with me, if I'm use to doing something a particular way and someone simply confronts me and tells me, I need to see it their way, my first thought is - that person is so selfish, and I tune them right out.
|10 Jun 2010 @ 12:57 PM Reply # 2|
Wed 9th Jun 2010
Threads: 1 Posts: 2
The saga continues
Thank you for the feedback!
The issues seem to be far worse than I had initially thought. The friend messaged me yesterday asking if I still like her and why am I mad at her. I feel like I'm in High School again. DH had told her we need space and more time together. Now she needs constant confirmation.
She finally came out to say she thought she was one of the family and that she needed ot be there all the time for my family to function. The friendship has been under a year. She tells people she is my husbands non-sexual life partner. I feel like this is really not a healthy situation to be in. She is in some strange alternate reality. She's completely unstable and I'm struggling to keep things healthy and not go "Hand that Rocks the Cradle."
|12 Jun 2010 @ 11:45 PM Reply # 3|
Tue 25th May 2010
Threads: 2 Posts: 12
Maybe help her find dates, find love, or find...
Ok, wow. Some how or other, like you said, you has it in her head that you and your husband are her life line. Some how you need to gentle but very firmly make her realize that she needs to live her own life and her own significant other.
Whether or not you and your husband continue to be a part of her life is up to you and your husband. The only other suggestion I can think of, is that, perhaps you and your husband might want to see a therapist, with or without her. That way you could at least get some professional guidance, because if the situation is as "unstable" as you say, then a professional may be the best course of action to take.
Either that or you and husband might consider helping her finding her own significant other, you know, help her find some dates. Perhaps that is all she truly wants. Maybe she just doesn't know how to ask, so she's going about it entirely wrong.
Hope this helps a little.
|13 Jun 2010 @ 1:21 AM Reply # 4|
Mon 28th Sep 2009
Threads: 0 Posts: 10
Send the non-sex life partner of your husband for a hike
Honestly, I don't know why so much tact. It's obvious that this lady is disrupting the family. If this would be happening to me, I would talk openly to my dh and tell him how far he has drifted. It doesn't matter how much ADD or ADHD, if he cares about his family, he's able to understand that he's gone too far. I'd also sharpen my nails and tell this lady this is my home, and these are the limits. I need time alone with my husband more than you do, and if you repeat once more that you are my dh's life partner, that will be the last time you will be welcome here.
|13 Jun 2010 @ 12:57 PM Reply # 5|
Wed 9th Jun 2010
Threads: 1 Posts: 2
I'm certainly trying to keep an even keel, and a level head about this. I realized I've just allowed so much to happen because my brain couldn't totally process all of it. I realize I accept a lot and I have done the ADHD significant other martyr thing in the past. I was doing it again. Taking up all the slack and just coping while the resentment and anger levels rise.
It was to the extent of where she would constantly call, ask him to cuddle, and she even crawled into my bed one morning when she had stayed the night (because she had drank too much the night before to drive home). DH didn't even know she was in ther sleeping with him, so he says. I did tell her I needed some space and the relationship has become unhealthy. She has been on a 5 day breakdown bender.
How do you rationally deal with someone who is unrational?
|13 Jun 2010 @ 7:51 PM Reply # 6|
Tue 25th May 2010
Threads: 2 Posts: 12
The course ahead will be rocky, but keep your head and you'll st
The way you deal with someone who is irrational, is by being the one who remains tactful and yes...as difficult as it may be...by remaining completely rational. If you were to, as the other poster said, sharpen your nails and fiercely stand your ground. That could inevitably stir up the exact major problem you're trying to avoid, in two words, possible violence. Example, what reaction does a cat who feels threatened?
Answer: One of two things, whimpers as it walks away tail between its legs OR Second and more likely: hisses and shows it's fangs, aggressively preparing to pounce!
This is why I suggest you take the rationally tactful route, sure it may be emotionally draining and hard as hell for you for a short time longer. But the potential reward is that you help her see the errors of her ways (perhaps not so dramatic, but still...). She may or may not ever come back. But as long as you either help her get therapy or help or find a love of her own; or perhaps a combination of the two, she will be forever grateful and more importantly will most likely stop bothering your husband, either way she should be out of your hair.
The unfortunate thing about the situation is that, like you said, you are in the middle of a situation flying out of control. Whether or not she intended this, she has gained a major foothold and has taken part of your control away. You and only you, are the only one who recognizes this for what it, and because of that you are the only one who can manage to fix the situation.
As I said before, it is best to continue talking with your husband about your concerns, let him know why the situation bothers you. While reading this you may be thinking that, because you understand what’s happening, so should your husband…well, I’ll tell you something that you may already know or may come as a surprise: being a male myself, I tell this to you true: we of the male gender are far more emotional and far less rational then most of us will ever admit.
However, being that men are less rational then women, we also have trouble admitting things unless we are eased into the truth of the rationale. This is why I strongly recommend you continue to talk to him, you need to help him see the rationale, break through his delusion. You may also need to do this before working on her, because honestly...it may take his help to break her from him. If you do it alone, you stand the chance of her gaining destroying everything (I don't know the extent of it, but that's worse case scenario) but at any rate you have two rational choices with her, both I've already mentioned, one: convince her (with your husband's help, hopefully) it's in her best interest to see a therapist (if need be, convince her it's in your husbands best interest as well). Secondly, help her find her own boyfriend. Or even a combination of the two.
The irrational courses of action would be to flip out and tell her off. In my opinion, not only will that cause potential massive problems with her, to the extent of a fight. But your husband might think that you (not her, but you) have lost it, and might think that you need therapy (at that point you’ve all but lost). The other irrational course of action is to do nothing at all, if you do that, again you've already lost.
So keep your head, be tactful, be understanding, see the situation as best you can from her's and your husband's point of view. It will be a bumpy road, but, stay the course as best as you can, and soon the storm will lift; hopefully when that happens she will be out of your hair and you and your husband will have a stronger bond together, hopefully.
|13 Jun 2010 @ 8:14 PM Reply # 7|
Sun 13th Jun 2010
Time to be clear
Hi, I'm the one in my relationship who has ADHD and understand how possible it is to become "hyperfocused" on someone who is exciting and engaging and with whom I connect. I learned early-on in my 11-year relationship with my husband, though, that any close relationship that begins to supplant or overshadow the primary relationship is not acceptable. I didn't get it at first, and thought my partner was just being controlling, but once I paid attention to my own behavior I realized how my behavior was hurtful to my relationship with my husband. Now my boundaries are crystal clear and my relationship with him comes first, no matter how much I like a new friend.
The situation with your husband seems pretty clear-cut to me: the relationship with this woman is toxic to you and to your family AND to your husband, though he might not yet realize it. I don't think this situation needs finesse, I think it needs clear, clear boundaries and limits. I think your husband needs to sever ties entirely with this woman and she needs to be told to stay away from the family. A competent therapist could help with that process. There's no room for negotiation with this situation, in my opinion. This woman will likely take any inch she is given and run a mile with it, or a mile-and-a-half. She has needs your family can't fulfill, and her behavior is beyond disturbing. My advice: seek whatever help you need as an individual and as a couple to sever the relationship with this woman. If your husband needs companionship beyond what he has with you, then that's fodder for counseling, not an excuse to cuddle up with someone with endless emotional needs and no boundaries.
I support you 100% in getting the help you need and the support you deserve. Don't downplay this -- regardless of whether or not your husband and this woman both have ADHD, what they are doing is not acceptable. Not everyone with ADHD engage in such behavior and ADHD is no excuse.
|13 Jun 2010 @ 9:42 PM Reply # 8|
Tue 25th May 2010
Threads: 2 Posts: 12
Agree to disagree, real life = real consequences
Alright, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see what's happening here both of you (Luna27 and najn_arte) seem to see this as either a territorial thing or some type blame game. I could be wrong but that's what I'm reading it as.
Especially after reading this from Luna:
Luna27 said: Don't downplay this -- regardless of whether or not your husband and this woman both have ADHD, what they are doing is not acceptable. Not everyone with ADHD engage in such behavior and ADHD is no excuse.
From my point of view, the reason I recommend 'finesse' is that this isn't black and white. True ADHD is not an excuse for the behavior, and true this situation should never have fallen this far. But it has!
If you seriously think aggression and ultimatums are better then finesse and tact, then you had best open your eyes and watch the news and google domestic attacks and domestic violence. After all angelvel herself said she wanted to avoid a real-life version of the "Hand that rocks the cradle" because; honestly using verbal aggression toward this woman is good way of making angelvel nightmare even worse.
I will also say this, regardless of angelvel husband's contribution to the problem; he is also angelvel best chance at a solution.
Just remember this is not about getting revenge, this is not some drama on TV; this is real life with real consequences! This is about the most favorable outcome for everyone; yes everyone!
|13 Jun 2010 @ 10:46 PM Reply # 9|
Wed 21st Nov 2007
Threads: 11 Posts: 358
I agree with livelylaughter
I have a male BBF since I was 12 years old and truthfully if my husband told me I could not hang with him I think it would be more devestating for our relationship then helpful. Finess is the right word because as ADHD we do have a hard time with emotional and relationships in general. Some ADHD peoplef eel their friends are more like family then anything else . I do think of my friend as family; however we don't need to see each other everyday or talk to each other / We do call each other when things are going great as well as when thing are going to h.She doesn't understand why you are mad at her because she honestly see you and him as family. I think like Livelylaughter suggest you need your husband to approach her and set the limits because if it is you they both see you as interfering in their relationship and honestly he would be hiding if it was sexual. He will be very pissed offf with you. He would proably feel you don't understand him and you don't want to do that . . One thing my BFF has done is tell the women he dates about me and how important I am to him and lets them decide if they want to deal with me. Most never meet me; and we go out it is just me and him doing thing like going to the city , listening to jazz, eating at Thai restraunts and just laughing having good old fun. If my husband wants to come he has been invited he declines and frankly he would rather my BFF was female; but I hang with guys because I get them easier then females . Let your husband put the limits on their time it would work out much better and she will understand him because of their ADHD
|14 Jun 2010 @ 2:28 AM Reply # 10|
Mon 14th Jun 2010
Threads: 0 Posts: 2
Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries
Speaking as someone with ADD as well as being the one with a needy friend, my husband and I have set clear boundaries with her. Granted our situation hasn't gotten as out of control as the one described above, thankfully, but nonetheless, my friend has respected the boundaries we've set and things are great!
I think its a delicate combination of tact, honest communication, and setting clear boundaries. In my situation I was the one who didn't notice my friend encroaching on time with my hubby. Her and I are best friends and spending all day together is natural and easy. We can talk for hours on the phone or hang out at home by the pool. Granted, its not every day, but goes in cycles. Luckily she is also very respectful and sensitive to not wearing out her welcome at our place. Unfortunately, I am the one who tends to loose track of time when I'm with her and expect my husband to remind me when he's ready for us to spend time alone. Now, we have set days and curfew times, she has to leave. It's for all company too, not just her. I tend to be the social butterfly in our relationship. He's quieter and more reserved.
Meanwhile, I understand there is no one size fits all fix to this situation. Only you know what is right for you. Good luck however and remember there is no "right" way to handle this. Whatever you choose, if it doesn't work, just try something else. Getting professional help however, is always a great idea. Blessings and good luck!
|28 Jun 2010 @ 2:50 PM Reply # 11|
Sun 27th Jun 2010
Threads: 0 Posts: 23
This is for your significant other to fix. Period. If you address this with the third wheel, your other will most likely take the middle road and mediate for a peaceful balance that will only postpone the storm and give it time to gain more strength. I suspect the storm is stronger than you anticipate and when done you will look back and regret it wasn't squashed earlier with much less effort. Don't think that you can avoid an inevitable life long rift. This will take a little planning and time, but don't let it continue for long. The stakes are really really big.
Some philosophy: Plant the seed and watch it grow. Guide the stem without breaking it. Give plenty of rope and watch them hang themselves. Hold your ground.
She already gave you a good tool with the life partner thing. You are his life partner. No other qualifications apply. Plant this seed and lead him to that realization, but let him make the statement. People champion ideas and stand by decisions when they are theirs and when they make them.
Get her out of your kitchen. This is your turf. You run it. She has no place there. Make sure your other knows that you have a guest, not a participant. Expect her to conduct herself as a guest. Do not bring her into your family.
Plan family time with no one else. Just the four of you. And that means you too. Family first. Period. No comprise. Displace her time with your family. Create treasured memories.
This forces choices without ultimatums. The resources of energy, time and money are limited. Eat them all with your family. She can't stay the weekend when the family is enjoying an outing. Sorry is played with four. Let priorities align themselves and guide the stem when it goes off track.
Then hold your ground, let him do the dirty work and back him with complete confidence. She may go away quietly since no one generally stays where they don't belong.
Local Time : 24 May 2013 1:47 PM
(Fri, 24 May 2013 17:47:28 GMT)