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overwhelmed mom venting
Just wanted to vent -- mad at myself b/c completely forgot 6 yo son half-day at school yesterday, had to be called by teacher to come get him, didn't recognize number so didn't pick up, listened to mesg, was 45 min late. get so sick of feeling like a "loser," imagining that others (esp other parents) see me that way, get so sick of the "sympathetic looks," and then people offering to help. so embarrassing. just wish sometimes didn't have to deal with any of all that stuff -- socializing with other parents, trying to do PLAYDATES - the scourge of early parenthood - , the pressure to not only show up for, but then contribute to all the endless extra events -- breakfasts, special days, book fairs, fundraisers -- it goes on and on. And, though know all of this (or a lot of it) important and positive for the kids, for some of us, it's all we can do to get our kids to school on time every day, dressed, fed, relatively clean, with snacks and lunches made -- and not containing anything that could send any other child into anaphlactic shock, and the list of these things grows daily -- , with their homework done, library books, folders, money for this or that special event that's happening that day. Oh, and also making sure one's kids feel loved, feel like there's a grown-up in their lives who cares about them, and try to continue to teach them all the other skills they need -- like being somewhat kind, whether other kids are mean to them or not, being civilized, not being incredibly rude!! Then getting the "jocky" kids as early as 8 yrs old! being nasty to my kind, smart, somewhat small 7 1/2 yo boy (have 2 boys, 16 mos apart, prob both have ADD in diff ways, to differing degrees). the social competition on so many fronts. the necessity of one's children to behave perfectly on playdates (right!) ... I know I have a lot to learn and work on, and that I need to answer the phone, need to engage socially, need to show up and keep track of the important events and times, whether it's hard or not, need to "play the game" if I'm going to have children, because they certainly didn't ask to be born, and didn't ask for an ADD mom. it just gets really tiring sometimes. and screwing up -- when you're already trying REALLY HARD, and when you've done A LOT (but nobody cares! the only thing anyone sees is everything you do wrong - it's just human nature) -- just makes you feel really bad, can be really demoralizing. makes me feel sometimes like the deck is SO stacked against me, that SUCCEEDING IS NOT POSSIBLE!!!!!! and yet the misery, drudgery, the vicious fighting over petty prizes, this stupid race with stupid rules and stupid people running it never never ends, and is the ONLY OPTION if you live in the northeast? the US? any english-speaking country? is the ENTIRE WORLD CONTROLLED BY CHILDISH, SELFISH, PETTY, NASTY STUPID-HEADS???? And this is my contribution to an attempt at an intelligent conversation. way to raise the bar. writing about one's feelings, experiences, struggles, even if nobody reads this, is really incredibly cathartic and comforting. thank you to the people who have made this space, which I imagine to be kind, forgiving and intelligent, available for people like me.
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3 Jun 2010 @ 10:13 AM
4 Jun 2010 @ 9:24 AM