54, divorced 10 years now, also on Plenty of Fish (PrettySmartGA1, couldnt find yours...) ... maybe we should start a group, giving each other feedback, insights and ideas! I have also found asking for help from a non-ADD person gives me a 'normal' (haha) perspective, so I can see where I need to tone it down (before I scare some poor soul off...) Forced myself to take things slow, by emailing, IM 'ing so I can 'settle' and move on through progressive stages ( otherwise, I would want to meet the guy TONIGHT, yeah it's midnight, I'm up, let's go...Got married after 8 weeks that way, had 2 wonderful kids, lasted about 10 years, but it was not right from the start).

I hardly ever end up meeting anyone from online, but when I do, can tell immediately if it has any potential or not, but try to deny that and say, " I don't know" instead of constantly KNOWING it's NO. How can it ALWAYS be No? So I try to stay open to options, but once my mind shuts down, it's shut. If I am thinking YES, the GUY always seems to be thinking No, and I dont know what I'm doing to bring that out-probably overly excited because I actually found someone with potential and scared them off, talking too much, etc.

Plus I just dont TRUST my mind to make informed decisions, so probably avoid at the same time I SAY I am trying to reach out. So used to initial excitement then eventually getting to the "OMG, he has gotta go, he is driving me Crazy or SOOO Bored out of my gourd, get me a gun... Always something....working with a counselor, having a positive, potentially long-term relationship is one of my goals. Have to love and accept myself First, before I can love and accept love from someone else (Darn...)

Wish you the BEST, would like to keep in touch if you like and hear your progress-Don't give UP, Jan in Atlanta

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Dear Mike,

It sounds like you are doing many of the right things. You didn’t mention though what about your ADHD you thought was getting in the way. I think that is worth examining. In watching my son develop relationships, I can see that his high impulsivity causes him to verbalize thoughts and ideas that hurt his friend’s feelings. Other times he hyperfocuses on situations and misses the bigger picture. Have you looked at specific problem areas with your ADHD and examined how they manifest in relationships?

It’s great that you’ve evaluated your past relationships to find out what was good about them and what could’ve been better. One note about your first relationship you may not have considered is that you were both likely very young and shared the common mission of finding a spouse. I confess I am only familiar with Richard and Kahlan from the Legend of the Seeker TV series which based on the books, however both share a common mission and very intense situations which foster the feelings of love. As we get older, though, we become clearer on other “missions” we have and so it becomes increasingly difficult to find someone who matches on those critical levels. The good news is we are aware of those important factors where as when we were younger we may not have been fully aware of them or their importance to us.

On a final note, finding love is difficult for almost all people. Keep yourself open and trust everybody has several potential perfect lovers in the world. Your perfect love will enter your life and perhaps may already be there.

Good luck. And, as Jan said, keep us posted!

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Dear Mike, Some simple advice. Most men looking to meet women hope to do so through either the internet or through various social activities that keep them well with in the male sphere of social interests / activities. If you want to meet women go where women go and do what women do. Going to a meet up group was and is a good idea, however choose one for an activity that is not traditionally male, or at least not usually predominately male. Improve your odd by choosing one whose membership is predominately female.

For example, I enjoy going to knitting and portable craft groups. Occasionally men will go to these. When a male shows up to a knit /crotchet social group he is instantly the group's darling and gets fawned over. All the women take interest in him and want to get to know him. No, they will not think you are gay. Only one of the many male knitters I have met was gay. Male knitters are instantly deemed cool and get serious bonus points even if he can barely hold the needles. The nice thing about these groups is that you get to have friendly conversation without the pressure. This has the added benefit of being able to listen to and thus gain a better understanding of a woman's point of view, which is a big plus as a life skill alone.

Finally, I know it is common advice but stop looking. Go to counciling, pursue your spirituality and take an inward journey until you feel complete by yourself. Practice contentment. Then the right woman will show up, and if nothing else life will be richer and more satisfying. Councilling is not just for the troubled /stressed. We ALL have some skeletons or goals that we could use a helping hand with, or simple some objectivity.

Good luck and keep posting. I am curious to follow your story.

Warmly, Adrianna in Seattle

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It sounds like you try to hard if that makes sense, if I were you stop looking so hard it always seem when you aren't looking it just happens . Go where the people are and take notice of someone. Don't scare them away. Be honest with yourself and them tell them early the love making will not happen until you feel ready. Many ADD females love all thing you talk aboutt he sports the music the games so maybe a ADD female is what you need. Make room for the differences they maybe engaging and don't be rigid in your thought process/ Learn how to dance and women will follow it helps .if you own a dog take it for walks . I wish I had a magic formula but I don't know one. Many ADDers we get into relationships and have no idea what to do with them .

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Hey everyone,

First I want to thank all of you for responding, I wasn't sure if I wrote to much. Also I've been meaning to respond for a couple days now, but I wanted to truly provide an in-depth response, hopefully this will make up for not responding sooner. ;-) (lol)

So while I may not comment on everything all of you said right at the moment I definitely will, after all, your feedback is helping me.

ADD RN, as to what you said about how I should find a lady who has ADHD...that would be awesome, yet, I have no idea where to find a lady who has ADHD. Then again, I do have two friends who happen to be ladies, but they're not my type. I'd go into detail on that, but it would be to revealing on their side.

One of my problems as well as the reasons I do try to look hard, is that several of my friends around me, find and start relationships with ladies in, what seems like, a heart beat.

I recently found an article online that said when ladies are interested in a guy, the ladies will show interest by physical gestures and movements, yet the article went on to say that the majority of men (such as myself) are clueless to physical gestures of interest. It said that males – such as myself, mostly just understand verbal signs of interest (that is so unfortunately true). It also gave an example that really made sense to me, it said that if a lady is being pretty flirtatious, yet she then says that she isn't necessarily looking for a relationship, most guys would then pay more attention to the verbal hint versus the physical clues and ultimately decide the lady isn't looking for a relationship.

What I'm getting at, is being a guy with ADHD multiplies all that confusion. For me, the 3 relationships I was in began because the ladies were verbal open about there interest. If they had let their physical gestures doing all the communicating, I have no idea what the outcome might have been. So basically, my biggest challenge is that I'm always looking for the verbal clues (which are few and far between), I also try my best to notice physical gestures but for the most part when ever I think I'm seeing a physical gesture from an lady of interest, it's gone before it truly registers with me.

One thing I've tried to do to bridge the gap of the communication is simply making friends with ladies, that's one reason I have numerous lady friends. As that also helps me get to know them better and relate with them. The down side is that by the time I've become friends with them, they seem to see me as only a friend. Don't get me wrong, I cherish every friendship I have, yet I'm still single.

Oh and another area I've goofed with in the past, there have been occasions when a lady (both new friends and semi-strangers) will suddenly become extremely friendly (as in closeness) and I'll assume they want space so I backup without even thinking about it (complete auto response) only the second I do that, I'll begin to wonder whether or not I should just stayed my ground and let the situation play out (but how does one turn off there own auto response). In this case, I feel as though I've probably missed several opportunities without realizing it and after which is far to late to go back.

It's all very confusing. By the way, the "auto response" is one of my ways of being a gentleman...though I'm wondering if I should stop trying so hard to be a gentleman. I don't know...it's so very, very confusing!

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ADD RN said: It sounds like you try to hard if that makes sense, if I were you stop looking so hard it always seem when you aren't looking it just happens . Go where the people are and take notice of someone. Don't scare them away. Be honest with yourself and them tell them early the love making will not happen until you feel ready. Many ADD females love all thing you talk aboutt he sports the music the games so maybe a ADD female is what you need. Make room for the differences they maybe engaging and don't be rigid in your thought process/ Learn how to dance and women will follow it helps .if you own a dog take it for walks . I wish I had a magic formula but I don't know one. Many ADDers we get into relationships and have no idea what to do with them .

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It sounds like you are very gun shy if you know what I mean. ADD/ADHD females aren't that hard to find . She is the one in the middle of all the guys talking football, motorcycles , and like to do the daredevil thing all the guys like to do. Whatever you like to do just do it. Do not try to fit yourself in the sqaure peg if your a circle. In the meantime have fun, laugh and if someone invites you somewhere just say yes and go. Find the places where people go and get the nerve up if you see someone you like go for it. I am serious learn to dance women love to dance and if you know how someone will ask you too. I unfortunately have been married 23 years so I haven't really dated in years ; but I do have a male friend who my husband swears I date, We just call each other go out sometimes to clubs, dinner , movies or just rides down the shore. so If a old hat can do it so can youi. Good Luick (Judi)

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Hey again Judy and everyone!

Yeah, I suppose in some ways I am sort of gun shy (I actually had to look up the definition, lol). The difficulty I have is locating the girl who has a balance of a thrill seeker’s heart with that of a relaxed easy-going soul (or vice versa). Because while I’m rather hyper myself, it comes and goes, all depending on what I’m doing.

Speaking of which, a few days ago I semi-meet a member of the sports group I’m in, and she was one I instantly felt chemistry for. She laughed at my jokes and had an amazing personality, rather gorgeous too ;-)! The only down side is, I’m clueless as to whether or not she was throwing in signals my way. I tried flirting with her, but for all I could tell, it fell on deaf hears.

So if I am gun shy, it’s merely because I don’t yet understand enough about how to flirt properly or how to proceed in finding out if a girl is interested. I suppose I’ve seen to many movies in which the beautiful woman takes the initiative when she’s dealing with a guy who’s distracted. The question remains then, how do I remove my blinders and trust my instincts; especially when half my instincts are confused and feel more like red flags.

By the way, I love the idea about joining groups that interest women, and I already love the thought of dancing. The situation there is that, I end up spending more time concentrating on how to do the task and less about the people in the class. I know I should be focusing on the solution and not the problem. So I guess the question I need to ask myself it – what is the solution? :-)

Elementary my dear Watson, it is elementary! Lol, I just need to figure out what it is that's elementary. ;-)

Whether you know it or not, you guys are very helpful! It’s good to have a woman’s perspective on this. Though I’m surprised none of my fellow gender is commenting on this. Eh, oh well.

Mike

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Hi every one. I need some advice. I've just begun a long - distance relationship with this ADHD guy. He's let me know he's seen a doctor for the ADHD, but I'm not sure if he's taking his meds. He doesn't even live in my country , and works offshore. The last time he replied my email was 2 days ago. I'm not sure if the hyperfocus is ending as we went out for 5 times, before we began our relationship. I'm starting to fall in love with him. Before he left, he wanted to get married and move over here. Now's there no mention of tht. Should I pursue it? I'm in no hurry, but I don't even know if he's still loves me, or lost interest. My friends think he's an ass, but they don't know about his ADHD. Iknowcthat ADHD makes you think differently, n I don't want to read signs wrongly, but if you're thinking about someone, wouldn't you want to keep as much contact as possible ? Also, how do I keep him stimulated n not Lise interestas I would really like him . I'm not sure what steps I should take, how to compromise, as I would like to have a relationship with him. What should I do ?

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I'm just going to put it out there because it seems everyone else is afraid to. It is tough in this day and age to find a woman that doesn't want sex. I know Robert and Kahlan waited for obvious reasons but this is real life not a fantasy novel. Wating for marriage or until you are "in love" scares the hell out of many women. Many want to make sure you are compatible in that area before they allow themselves to get that far. Forget the old fashioned stereotypes that say men want sex more than women. Now that being said there are women like you who are waiting, for possibly the same reasons as you or somethng completely diffrent. You just may want to adjust your where you are looking for these women. Maybe start looking at churches to find women, particularly ones who are very devout. Even then it will be a tough call.

My biggest suggestion would be to talk to your therapist about why you are waiting. I'm sure there is more to the story and I don't expect you to tell it all here. I know Ritalin can be a major factor in diminishing sex drive. I stopped using stimulant meds for that very reason. Unfortunately there are no generic non stimulant ADHD Meds so it can be quite expensive.

Othere than that everyone else seems to have good advice. Keep it up. Oh and stop waiting for signs that a girl likes you. If you think one is fun, cute, cool, etc... ask her out anyways.

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To Surya – Where I’m at in Michigan there seems to be a stigma when it comes to any permanent “mental” disability or difficulty. I say that because even though your friends may not know he has ADHD, they probably can sense your concerns and are getting it mixed up. From what you’ve said about your boyfriend, I don’t see anything to be worried about.

Although generally speaking, ADHD definitely does cause hyperfocus, so as long as you love him and want a future with him, then make a point to show him you’re still interested and that you care deeply for him. Generally the biggest compromise you will need to make is that you will need to sense when to be assertive with him and when to be passive.

An extra tip: it’s generally a good sign for your time to be assertive when you start to miss him. ;-)

To GreenMan – I have to admit, you brought something into the open that I was dancing around, so thank you (oh yeah, the reason I was dancing around it, there seems to be a lot of women folk on this site, so I was concerned about “appearing” insensitive).

What you said in your first paragraph makes sense, but also leaves me with several questions. My biggest question is also the reason the reason I’m waiting, that being, aren’t women concerned with the “protection” failing and them ending up pregnant? As much as I want a child some day soon, I want to be married first. Another equally as important question, aren’t women concerned with getting diseases? I know I am.

For me, I don’t need to be married before the intimacy but I do need to have an emotional connection (chemistry) with a woman. To me, without that connection “sex” is not worth it.

As for Ritalin and the “drive” it has no effect on me, if anything it, uh, well, hehe, let’s just say I’ll make my future lady extremely happy!

I’ve also considered joining a church community several times in the past (as I was brought up catholic), but I’ve found I don’t agree with much of there philosophy. I would very much enjoy joining some spiritual community, but my beliefs encompass too many different spiritual philosophies to pinpoint any specific religious stance. So I don’t know what to do on that front.

Thanks again for your response GreenMan and I look forward to your next reply.

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I think it really depends how bad your ADHD is if stimulants get in the way. If not medicated sex can not be focused on and if you can't focus the rest just won't fall into place. In this day and age many women at least Idid I asked my husband and my ex-boyfriend about themselves because frankly not all men will approach you. My husband was a 50 dollar bet and my friend who was with me had to pay up. And if you feel vibes then speak up the worst that can happen she say "NO" hopefully your ego can take it. If it missed initially go back a second time. The worst that could happen is death and that just not going to happen even if she say NO

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LivelyLaughter - Thanks for your thread.

Big ground rule: People are primarily interested in themselves. I'm not being cynical, Just factual. This is most LivelyLaughter - Thanks for your thread.

Some rules: Big ground rule - People are primarily interested in themselves. I'm not being cynical, Just factual. Dale Carnegie blatantly states this in "How to Win Friends and Influence People" Another ground rule - Listeners are uncommon. In fact, most people want to talk and like to talk about themselves. Another ground rule - People easily see what they don’t like.

ADDer’s are at a real disadvantage when it comes to attracting a mate: We’re not observant and often miss clues. We talk too much. We give people something not to like.

I never had any luck pursuing women with the objective of finding the one that aligned with my list and gave up.

A big change happened when I threw away my list. Your dreams are limited to your imagination. Reality holds much more. I decided to accept their infirmities without reservation with the hope that they will accept mine.

Instead, I pursued pastime activities I enjoyed like Skiing, paddling, etc. There I found people with similar interests and schedules. Put another way, commonality. Instead of spending time looking, I’m having a good time and meeting people who enjoy the same stuff along the way. You are showing yourself at your best. This lets your interests do the screening interview with no effort or expense on your part. I also let testosterone and natural selection guide me. Don’t forget, we are animals.

Then I applied the ground rules. I break ice by asking her about the gear she picked, the storm she drove through the night before, where she learned to ski and anything that got a conversation rolling. Never ask a yes or no question. This next part takes practice. I try hard to shut up and patently listen to her. Nobody else does. I relate to her experiences and try not to offer advice. That also takes practice. Again, the biggest mistakes I make is opening my mouth and giving her something not to like. This takes more practice. I’ve been greatly surprised at their personal embarrassments and lucky enough to provide them with warm acceptance.

I then try to take advantage of the time at hand and align immediate activities with hers, but don’t crowd or task her. I go along with what she wants and not get in the way of her fun. Then enjoy the ride.

I then look for a way to follow up. If this is a once and done encounter, I get her number. If she is a regular, I find out when and where she will be next.

My most successful first date. This took longer to create than enjoy. I planned everything to precision. Car was clean, not fancy, full tank. Attire was appropriate, not extravagant with haircut, clean shave and polished shoes. I asked a co-worker for a nice place to eat near her place. He was familiar with the area and had decent taste. I had more than enough cash and credit cards. Then I shut up and listened.

The planning and preparation is all about respect and substance. Attire and appropriate investment shows you value her without ever saying it. A well-executed evening tells her you have your act together.

The rest went on autopilot and we just celebrated our 16th anniversary with our two beautiful boys. The three of us ADDers drive her nuts, we had some real rough patches, and I don’t look back.

This failed more times than it worked. Are there better methods? Absolutely, but I didn’t need to find out.

I do recommend Dale Carnegie’s book. The descriptions sound dated, but like people, the rules remain the same.

I wish you the same luck.

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Hey there throrope!

Thanks for the AWESOME advice! It surprised me how accurately your advice reminds me of what I've tried to come up with myself...well either that, or your advice just makes so much sense! It gets to the heart of the matter and it puts together all the jigsaw pieces of my knowledge and understanding.

Simply put, your advice made me realize that the reason I've always sought to find and turn a platonic girl friend into a romantic relationship is simply because I wanted to, as you said; let them see the best qualities I have to offer. It's funny, in an enlightened way ;-), to realize this is exactly the way I found my first relationship so many years ago. Yet, the 'how' it worked, 'the explanation' you just provided, has been ever so slowly sneaking to the surface of my compression after all these years. What I mean is, that you provided the key to help me understand and piece the rest of it together. Lol, I'm a little excited, can you tell! ;-)

All the posts everyone has been adding have also helped, but in a very real way, your post has put the finishing touches on the artistic masterpiece that is knowledge and understanding. Whether or not the masterpiece is done, who knows, but this has provided a significant wealth of understanding.

Thank you!

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You're welcome and good hunting.

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Hi Lively Laughter,

Thank you for the post. I've been doing alot of reading up on ADHD , esp. Edward Hallowell's books. I;m beginning to see reason for alot of things my boyfriend did , that I mistook for mere inattentiveness. I now realise he's different , but that doesn't mean bad. We've been communicating alot more with e-mails. He's also mentioned that he may come over in three months time. I'm starting to love him. But I do wonder, how many emails can I send, like 2 or 3 in a week is ok, or will he feel presurrised by that ? I do miss him, and want to keep him in the loop of the on-goings in my life. Tht's my problem. I would not want him to feel stiffled. Right now , my e-mails are of photos with stuff I'm doing or, clips of comedians as he likes funny stuff.

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