I have to admit, as the non-ADHD spouse who is often on the receiving end of what you describe, I'm kind of fascinated. Mostly because hearing others' stories can help me gain a new perspective on what my husband goes through. He says that he is fully aware of what he is saying and doing, and no matter how hurtful it is to me, he can't stop it. But he gets over it so fast, and meanwhile, I'm left reeling and nowhere near ready to "move on." I often ask if I can just step away from him for a couple of minutes to another room, so I can regain my composure and not bite his head off and perpetuate anything, but he insists on dealing with whatever made him explode and it's like he won't let me walk away if he doesn't think things are settled.

So this gave me an idea for you. Is there any way that when this starts -- even though it is just a minute -- can you force yourself to go out of range of your spouse? We are easy targets for anything from a stubbed toe or losing the boss battle in a video game, to why our spouses had a shitty day or a shitty drive...you name it. So go ahead and say those hurtful things...in the other room out of earshot.

I'm sure people with ADD/ADHD may have better ideas. The only other thought I have is maybe something to help you with "pauses" and "shifts." I've found with my spouse that he often goes off when something unexpected happens, when something happens that he finds confusing or he doesn't understand, or sometimes just when he is trying to shift gears from one thing to the next. What I'm thinking of reminds me of a weight loss technique I learned years ago, called an anchor. It can be an object or even a phrase or thought that you keep going back to, to remind you of your goals. I was given a small, clear pebble as an anchor that I would keep in whatever pants pocket I had and it was always there reminding me of my goals. So maybe you could have an anchor that you use that you always have available, reminding you to stop and slow down and think about what you want to say and how you want to react to situations. A lot of people will advocate slow breathing techniques when faced with something about to push you over the edge, but if you don't have anything to remind you to do that, it's real easy just to go with the flow of our emotions and let them take over.

Again, since I don't have ADD or ADHD I don't want to sound like I am invalidating what you go through. I may be way off on all of this, so I apologize if that is the case.

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UpToMyEars hit on something important, at least for me.

As an older adult with ADHD, I have learned that transitions, for some strange reason, are very difficult for me. The transition may be as simple as relaxing to making dinner, or it may be the transition from home to going out for dinner, or from reading to going to bed. It could also happen if my spouse puts something where it doesn't belong as if she's broken a rule of the universe. My stress level spikes and I can have a spike in anxiety or anger and all of a sudden I'm acting like a jerk without really noticing it.

Fortunately an increase in Ritalin helped. So did recognition that transitions are really difficult for me - it's almost physical because I snap before I even know I'm angry. It was really important for me to recognize that my response is not normal or healthy. My wife will not tolerate my behavior when I am like that but she will, when she remembers, give me some time to adjust or count down the time for me. "I'll be ready to go in 10 minutes", "I'd like to go on a walk after dinner." Then, she might remind me one more time.

I also learned to take time outs. I just sit in a chair or quiet spot to slow down and let the noise quiet down. I've learned to recognize the onset of the anxiety and I've also learned to apologize immediately.

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