Hi, reading your thread, and you are not alone. I have 2 children diagnosed with ADHD. First I would like to know if your daughter is receiving any psychological help or on any medication?

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I have a 12 year old daughter with ADHD, and I will tell you that the biggest regret of my parenting life is how I've punished her in the past for things she just cannot remember to do, or that just aren't that big a deal in the larger scheme of things. If you wouldn't spank her for forgetting a step in her math homework, even for the 100th time, why would you punish her for not remembering to clean up in the playroom for the 100th time? I know what it's like: you look at this very bright child and think those lapses MUST be willful, because she's so smart, and she remembers other things so why can't she remember to do that? Well, like everyone, she remembers what is most important to her. And cleaning up after herself isn't important to her personally. Of course she has to do it anyway, but I wouldn't punish her for not remembering it. When you see that she's left things lying around, go get her, bring her to where the stuff is, and tell her to pick it up. It's frustrating, it's time-consuming, and it's a pain in the butt, but in my opinion it's only fair way to do it. The facts are: (1) she doesn't remember, or she remembers but then gets distracted before she does it and (2) you have a right to insist that she do it. But what you can't do is "make" her remember in the first place.

Look at it this way: you have been punishing her for not remembering for a long time. Has it worked? No. Does she remember? No. It's not working! It's not going to work! All it is going to do is make your daughter feel like she's always getting in trouble, and make you feel like you're always punishing her, and that is particularly bad for a child who is (a) about to enter her teen years and (b) is already "different" from her peers and (c) probably sees plenty of adults getting exasperated with her on a regular basis.

When you're the parent of an child (especially an adolescent) with ADHD, you have bigger fish to fry than whether or not the child remembers to put away her cereal bowl without prompting. So when you find she's left something out, bring her to the room and ask her to pick it up. Yes, it feels like more work than just doing it yourself, but it puts the responsibility on her, in a way that she can handle, and over time it will get better (though it will take longer than you want it to or think it should). That's just the way it is. In seven years that child will be off to college or her first real job or whatever -- do you want to spend the next seven years punishing her for not picking up after herself or do you want to spend it getting her ready to launch (academically and morally and emotionally, etc) and loving her and enjoying being with her while you have her at home?

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I kind of focused on the larger picture in that first post, but there are some concrete things to try.

Make it part of her routine to check the playroom/other problem areas twice a day (like before afternoon snack and before bed or something like that). This has helped us more than anything. My daughter doesn't deal well with "picking up as you go along" but part of her routine now is to do what we call "living room roundup" where she stops and takes the things she's left out since the last roundup and puts them where they belong. Do that twice a day and the room stays neat.

Put a little card/sign that says something like "Did you remember to pick up?" on the doorframe of the playroom, so she'll see it as she's leaving.

Ask her what would help her remember. My daughter often has really good ideas about what will work for her.

Have you tried rewards for remembering rather than punishments for forgetting? Sometimes just changing things up like that can help her make progress.

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My 10 year old ADHD son is exactly the same way! I am constantly reminding him to clean up wrappers and pick up his plate after meals. Sometimes he'll just get up & start walking away and I"ll tell him not to forget his plate. He'll just continue walking away until about the third time I say it in a louder volume. It's not laziness, it's just that their minds are attracted to whatever around them catches their attention the most. When they are done eating, their mind is no longer on their food/snack, it's thinking about what they will do NEXT. Punishing isn't going to change the way their brain works, any more than punishing a sick child would make their cold go away faster. It's biological, not by choice!

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Sorry to say but I have 2 kids (both adhd) and 4 stepkids (not adhd) and no matter what the punishment they are all slobs in this respect. I stay on them constantly and they don't get it. I remember the same from my Mom. I don't think it has so much to do with remembering as it does with being just plain lazy when it comes to something they do not find important. I know I was the same slobby kid but thanks to my Moms constant nagging and example I have a clean home and lifestyle as an adult. I guess I feel don't give up but don't expect results till later. My daughter leaves a trail everywhere she goes!!!!

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I have an ADHD child that is 18. He just graduated homeschool. We have the same problem with him. He continually forgets to turn off the light, turn off the TV, and clean his room. His older siblings do not have ADHD and they call him lazy. They remind me that I would not have put up with them doing these things. I try to explain to them that he is different. I do expect him to do his part, but I have to remind him to do it. He is not lazy, just forgetful. They do not understand nor does his Father. They all think that I show particularity. The chores are the same, but I go about getting his cooperation in a different way. You have to make allowances for your child. Even thought the rules are the same, with an ADHD child you must find alternative ways to accomplish the end result. Get creative with it. Involve your child. He/she will help you help him/her. Best of luck.

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what i find best for these kids to do the simple things that we do automatically, but they forget to do, is to WRITE THEM DOWN and put where they can see easily and frequently. my 15 yr old had to be reminded most of the time but the past 3 months, i typed him chores that he should do during the day, like; make bed, make tea, take shower, brush teeth, take out garbage etc....with boxes to tick for each chore and stuck it on the fridge, he gets 10points for each one done. there's about 12 things on the list and he has to get about 100pts each day for at least 8 out of 10 days. if he reaches that, he then gets a book at the end of the 10th day. by now, he gets most of them done without me having to remind him what he should do. it does seem to be lazyness, but their brain just doesn't work like everybody elses'. if you wait for this to change.....i'm afraid you'll be waiting forever. you have to work things out around them, like mentioned above: praise if they remember not punish when they forget.

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My 11 y/o ADD daughter is the exact same way. My newest thing that is working is money. I keep a running total on a white board on my fridge and if she does a chore on the first asking she gains 50 cents. If I have to ask her repeatedly then I subtract 50 cents. When I ask her to do whatever the chore is I remind her that money is on the line. It wasn't my first choice on how to motivate her, but it is, so far, working. Sometimes it's about finding what WILL motivate them. If the punishments and negative consequences aren't working then maybe try for something that she likes and wouldn't have had otherwise. My daughter doesn't get an allowance and doesn't really have any other way to make money so this is a big motivator for her.

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