I read your question and explanation and immediately could identify with you although my situation right now is different.

I think that first you should look into getting medication for ADD. That might help a lot.

As for not knowing where to go, I hear depression, anxiety, despair, and alcohol abuse.

I don't care whether you are an alcoholic or not, I think you would benefit from checking out AA meetings. The 12-step program is wonderful and has been useful to many with problems other than alcoholism. It can work as a spiritual accountability program. Keep in mind that not all groups are the same, so the first one you go to may not be where you want to end up. But don't shop more than 3 groups in close succession. Pick one and stay with it despite any feelings that you somehow don't fit there. You will undoubtedly benefit from the 12-step program. Your issues cannot be solved by you and your wife alone. I have had experience with this.

Second, I think you should seriously find an ADHD, or ADD focused support group in your area. If you have to leave of an evening to attend, then just explain in a heartfelt manner to your wife that you need this and the AA group to survive. You seem to be near despair.

Third, I believe you will get a job. I have struggled with jobs many times and I think part of my struggle was related to undiagnosed ADD. I am still unofficially diagnosed, but my sister long ago said she thinks I have it. I believed her but did nothing. Now I am at home in a largely unstructured environment and seem to do things randomly, yet skip certain things I really MUST do. (procrastination). I now realize that I need help and am looking for a support group.

I believe I might try to organize one myself with help from tips on the Internet. WE CANNOT CONQUER OUR PROBLEMS ALONE or simply with spouses. Spouses are too close and have undoubtedly had their own struggles with the effects of our ADD and related consequenses. But surely they will appreciate our doing something concrete to help ourselves and the family.

Now I am going to work on finding a group. I cannot overcome my bad habits or whatever you want to call it alone.

Also regarding a job, workplaces are not there to make us feel good. We need jobs to pay the bills, etc. BUT if we can use all the ADD tips to work well and get along in a normal way with our colleagues, we will feel good about our job and feel a sense of accomplishment. There are characteristics that ADD people have that make it difficult at jobs. People in jobs fill slots, but still they can also feel fulfillment if they believe they are really doing a good job.

I would not advise going into business yourself until you have overcome some of your difficulties with time and emotional management.

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Thanks for your kind reply. I have taken several steps for my ADHD previously, and have taken several more recently. Tonight, I am going to attend my first meeting with our local ADHD support group. I plan to be late, probably be distracted, and I've already procrastinated taking this step, so I feel that I fit right in. :) I have been seeing a therapist and a pshchiatrist for my co-morbid trifecta of anxiety, depression, and ADHD. I have had stimulants in the past such as ritalin and Adderall, which have seemed to ramp up my anxiety so I have discontinued. I have tried Straterra which seems to make my bashful bladder worse (visiting the mens room is often an awkward experience for me, especially when I'm on this med - sorry for the TMI). I'll probably revisit having some sort of med in the future, though, because I see that it could help if I can find the right cocktail. I'm currently on 40 mg of Lexipro, which is really a wonderful med for depression and even anxiety. Right now, I have a lot of stressors and depressors on me, and I feel remarkably chilled without any nasty side-effects.

My wife is a teacher, so you'd think she'd understand ADD to some extent, but it's difficult for her to grasp the adult version. My daughter also has ADHD and it drives my wife nuts, as it does me on occasions. However, I can relate to a major extent and I have a soft spot for many of her quirks. However, I do want to find a sweet spot for myself to function so that I can help her to function to the best of her gifts and abilities as well. To a large extent, we're both square pegs in round holes in life. Her school doesn't fit her well, although we've had many meetings and accomodations put in place. Similarly, many (if not most) job situations haven't fit me well, though I've kept my ADHD 'secret' (if you can do such a thing?) and have therefore had no accomodations put in place other than the strategies I've developed over a lifetime of this heinous disease.

Poor strategies have included relying on a nightly cocktail to settle my nerves, binge drinking at times, and heavy reliance on caffeine. I have quit the drinking for two years now since my life came crashing in, but I have a healthy (?) dependence on caffeine, yet - it's probably my de-facto stimulant. I used it all through high school and college to excess since my ADHD was yet undiagnosed (go figure, my parents were both teachers!).

I have a bachelor's in engineering and a MBA, but right now my life is at a professional standstill/crossroads. My wife wants me to drive a truck or work at Lowe's. I'm not ready to throw in the towel professionally, as I'd probably get fired from driving the truck or something which would trash my already low self-esteem. I guess we'll see what happens when I network with other ADD'ers - who knows, maybe I'll run into my professional soulmate?

Anyhow, I'll let you know how it goes.

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