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Some tips to manage opposition, ADHD etc.... (but don't consider
Hi,
As a child, I opposed a lot myself toward authority.
Through the years, I could understand that I didn't oppose myself because I liked to do it, but because I felt there was a potential or a true danger. Because I felt it was a duty, even if I may be considered as a paria.
She can also act like this because she is hypersensitive to noise, taste etc.... (she may not taste new food because she is so hypersensitive that a bit of salt let feels her like if we had added the entire bottle of it. She may refuse to go somewhere because it's too noisy, and hypersensitivity to noise is quite common on ADHD people. I also have a Single Sided Deafness, so I know quite well what hypersensitivity to noise means....).
Before telling she may have ODD, try to understand why she does like that : does she feel there is a danger, potential or real ?
In this case, punishment puts only oil on fire : she feels she is punished because she wants to protect herself, and she can only resent you if you punish because she wanted to protect herself.
When she does something wrong, put her in front of natural consequences : she lies, she will lose everyone's confidence. If she tells the truth, she'll gain everyone's confidence.
Don't let her endengering her safety or other ones, but choose your battles : you can't battle for everything at the same time.
If she lost her tempers and hit a child, punishing her just to please the other child's parent is temptimg and adviced, but it may only put oil on fire.
What I can purpose in this situation is letting her collect herself in a quiet place, and then, let her thinking about why you can't hit someone else.
Knowing why doing something is a mistake helps not to do it again. It's a long course road, but explaining the sense of a rule gives more tools to a child, and not less. It's not negotiating : the rule exists and still applies. But knowing how and why it applies helps the child to internalize it.
Of course, it's less glitter into the other child's parents' eyes, but you know better your child than anyone else, even child professionals. Don't let them telling you they have a miracle solution, because miracle solution doesn't exist : which works for one may not work for another. If punishment doesn't work for her, try other solutions until you find the right one : you'll find the solution which works for your child after trial and errors, like when a doctor tries to find the right medication, in any field of medicine.
Panacea (it comes from Greek and it means "universal solution") doesn't exist and has never existed : if it were the case, there won't be any problem in this world !
My dad punished me each time I was making something wrong, but instead of making the problem better, it worsens each time.
Instead, mom understood that punishment was useless and made me understand that I did something wrong by facing by myself the consequences of my acts, without pouring on it a punishment. This way of doing was making me the link cause-consequence clearer, and lessened the impulsivity. It didn't solve all the problems, but it helped.
Dad punished me because he felt he has to punish to be a good father, even if this solution puts only oil on fire because in this case, I made wrong things just to annoy him. I did that because I resent against him.
If I left from a group, he always made me understand that I was not a "good child", but I was so hypersensitive to noise that being in a group, especially with toddlers, hurt my ear (my only one but more than valuable) like if I put an artifice fire in my ear.
Mom understood that I was (and still am, hypersensitivity to noise worsened within the years) hypersensitive to noise, and instead of putting myself into huge groups, noisy places etc.... I socialized in small communities, ie 3-4 people at most.
It was a solution considered as "less socially acceptable", but it was more than efficient, and she could get the most and best from me.
When we receive family, I see them separately, at 3-4 maximum (like I was with mom, my cousin and her boyfriend at breakfast table. It was a pleasant moment for everyone, we really enjoyed it, even her bf who was in jet lag, more than my cousin). Ok, it's not the dinner party with many people at table, but boy, quality is better than quantity ! I really see them, I really enjoy the time I spend with them even if I spend less time with them, and my ear is not painful.
For the family lunch, I was in the same room (not totally, but living room and dining room are not completely separate, and this is usual in France, the country I've been raised and I've been living through all my life. And I'm 24 years now, so I'm an adult !) but at a different table : I could be with them, talking with them, sharing a moment with them, but we could account my hypersensitivity to noise.
Conclusion :
Before thinking that your daughter may have ODD, some important points to remember :
- try to understand why she acts as oppositional. She may not be oppositional because she wants to defy you or other adults, she may have genuine reasons to oppose herself. If you try to understand why she does it (she refuses to go somewhere which is very noisy because she is hypersensitive to noise : telling her she has to go there whereas she feels pain is useless and puts only oil on fire. But if you don't understand this point, you think she acts like this because she is naughty, whereas she has a genuine reason to act like this).
Try also to know if other people around her, her father, a teacher, a baby-sitter etc... tried to abuse his authority on your daughter (like he punished her without any valuable reason, just to pass his nerves on her, or asked her to do something which is deliberately harmful for her) : when an adult abuses with his authority to a child, I can't be surprised that the child becomes oppositional, because it's a way to protect herself from a danger she learnt by experience.
- letting her experiencing the natural consequences of her acts, and to make her reflecting about them when she does something wrong will lessen the problems : when you know clearly why something is wrong, you are less prone to do it again, because you know how and why it's wrong.
- teach her some strategies when she feels angry : when I get angry, even nowadays, if I don't substract myself from the situation, we can only expect to be worse.
- and, the most important : GIVE HER THE EXAMPLE : never hit someone if you say that hitting is wrong. No spanking, no slaps etc..... It's the best way to pass her the message.
- Be a good player : recognize when you made yourself a mistake, because you are a human being, not Wonderwoman ! It's not because you're an adult that you know everything, because no one can know everything. A sentence like "Mom has been wrong", "Mon shouldn't have done it" etc.... doesn't mean you're not a mom, but it gives you even more reliability toward your daughter. And as I told you right above, example is a powerful way to pass messages to children :D Strong people always recognize when they made a mistake.
And remember : at 5 yo, a child may not have all the words to express why she feels in danger : learning vocabulary is not an overnight process, even on very smart children. So if she can't explain herself with words, drawing may be an excellent strategy to make you and her understand where is the problem.
Last but not least, saying that something is wrong without teaching how can we deal with the situation in an acceptable way is prone to failure, because she'll never guess how can she handle a situation in a good manner.
Accurate diagnosis can be made only when we have all the needed pieces of informations together : a psychiatrist will never diagnose an ODD when a child opposes herself because she refuses a situation where she feels in danger.
He needs to know more beyond the symptoms, not only the symptoms but when, with whom, if something happened before etc.... Even small details may count : if she is hypersensitive to noise, she'll cover her ears with her hands (this detail is a good mark for hypersensitivity to noise, it's a reflex like taking off a hand while burning oneself). If she says that "noise hurts her", it's not a joke : people with hypersensitivity to noise feel pain while under too much noise. And putting themselves into noise to desensibilize them is not absolutely a good idea, because it makes hypersensitivity get worse.
To date, there is no therapy which can desensibilize hypersensitivity to noise : unfortunately, you have to care the ADHD (and other conditions if there are, like a partial deafness) and not expose her too much to noise.
And never forget that strong emotions (stress, angriness, sadness etc....) worsens hypersensitivity, so never account that hypersensitivity is the same all the time : it fluctuates.
I gave you these paths to better understand your child, and furthermore, to help the psychiatrist giving to her proper care : the more pieces of information you give to your daughter's psychiatrist, the better he'll be able to care her.
And you can educate without punishment, contrary to what some people say : giving rules to live is not incompatible with educating without punishing.
It's completely different, it's not in our primary habits, it takes a lot of time and energy, but it pays much more as a result.
My mother educated me without punishing, and I can say that if it weren't efficient, I would have been much more impulsive, unable to think about actions and consequences.
Take care to you and your daughter, there is always light after the dark
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4 May 2010 @ 3:31 AM
4 May 2010 @ 10:26 AM