hello pepper, how are you? you have every right to be angry and frustrated. it can be really difficult being married to someone with ADHD and i don't think your mother in law did a good thing if she knew he had it and did not tell you. but now you have to find a solution...keep insisiting that you need to get him diagnosed so that maybe he can start on meds and maybe it will make a difference in your life being married to him. he needs to know that it's upsetting you but maybe you need to show him that you can see it from his point of view too? that he cant help having certain behaviour, because of the condition? i do wish that you find your way out of being depressed......life is too short (i know cause i'm there myself)

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Thanks dolphin70. I will keep trying. If you have any more suggestion pls let me know.

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May I ask what it is exactly that has you so upset about discovering that your husband has ADD/ADHD? Were you disgusted with him before, or is it just because of the diagnosis? The reason I ask is because if it's the "stigma" that is attached to someone having ADD/ADHD I think it might really help you alot to do some reading on the subject and educate yourself maybe a little more. The fact is that many, in fact most people, have a lot more redeeming qualities because of their ADD/ADHD than they do negative qualities. If he is otherwise a good and loving husband, is the fact that he most likely forgets to take out the trash, misplaces the keys or the checkbook, or has several things started and none completed, reason enough to pull away from him? He's probably a very creative, witty and personable fellow that would really benefit from the support and understanding of his wife.

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First let me start out by saying that my husband an I have been married for 10 years. To find out after 6 years of marriage that there is a reason he's so impulsive an no one thought enough to tell me is just a little upsetting. I have read, talk to individuals who counselor people with ADHD, so I am pretty knowledgeable about the subject. But of course you can never learn enough. I'm disgusted because the more I talk to him about getting tested an everything he'll turn around an jokingly tell someone about our conversation an they tell him "you just like to multitask". He is a very creative soul. He can fix anything. He has his moments of being very loving. Support and understanding, yes I give both. If you knew some of the support I have had to give it would amaze you. Understanding, lets just say he's been a very sociable kind of guy. Unless you know more of our history telling me to be more supportive an understanding should be a statement you keep to yourself. I love my husband very much an have gone thru good, bad and very very ugly times with him and will probably go thru more. But he has ADHD an he himself says how overwhelmed he gets sometime. If there is something that would help him to calm down a little I don't understand why he won't do it. I guess maybe one day he will, but until that time comes I'll have to learn an preach more about getting some help.

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My husband, who has ADHD, once said that a happy marriage far a person with ADHD comes in three stages. Stage 1 - learn you have ADHD; Stage 2 - learn how much your ADHD affects those around you and take that seriously and Stage 3 - do something about it. Of the three, he says that BY FAR the hardest is the second. You're seeing that now. To admit that things you have come to believe you have no control over (distractions, impulsiveness, etc) are deeply hurting someone you love is a very, very hard thing to do. Better to use that old and familiar coping strategy - denial. Compounding this for a person with ADHD is the common experience of feeling worthless or inneffective. ADHD symptoms have been getting in your husband's way for years and he has been pretty powerless to do anything about them because he didn't know what was going on. You don't just "try harder" and have ADHD symptoms magically disappear. You actually have to "try differently" - i.e. use tactics that work specfically when you have ADHD in order for things to get better.

As a spouse, you can help him move ahead constructively by choosing how you interact with him. Calmly, but firmly, express to him your hurt and concerns. Remind him that people with ADHD can and do change their lives by controlling their symptoms - all the time. Help him understand, in a caring way, just how bad his ADHD is for you. Resist that temptation to lecture him, or demand certain behaviors. Don't try to run his life or be responsible for his ADHD. All of those things will backfire - he'll start to resent your interference and start thinking you're the problem, not him. If he can do that, it's easier to feel "justified" doing nothing.

When I tell people to be kind to their ADD spouse even when they are frustrated, they often think I mean "stuff all the hard feelings inside" and hide them. I don't mean that at all - you have every right to express your hurt and needs. But be careful about the tone of voice, venu, etc. You want to remain empathetic, calm, reasonable...to de-escalate fights, and be taken seriously.

Like at the schoolyard when you were younger, joking is often a way to cover up deep hurts and insecurities. Your husband is looking to have his friends "reassure" him that the niggle in his mind - that you are right - can be ignored. With patience, and calm conversations, you can convince him that it can't be ignored...and that you're there to support him all the way as he starts the journey of better managing his ADHD.

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