Well I do feel for you because I am the ADHD person int his marriage and I know at times I can be a handful. I on the other hand do not like to drive because I hate having to be aware of everyone around me. When I drive I also like speed and tend to drive to fast. I think it needs to be put to him you won't ever get in a car with him again if he doing the driving. Sex well it take time to focus so it could be very important to get him on some medication to keep his focus and I think you need to come onto him sometimes and not wait for him to make the moves. Hyper focus is the thing we do best when we are involved into something that require sour utmost attention it sound like his work does it for him. It could be that if he not involved he falls behind in work or that he works into something he really enjoys . Look into what he does and see what grabs his attention. As far as your son the man just needs to be told once and for all he can't agtangist him any more and mean it.

Quote

He sounds a lot like my EX-husband. There is nothing you can do to change him. I decided my son was better off not being near him every day, so I divorced him. One of my girlfriends decided Adult Friend Finder was her solution. I did quit riding in the car w/ my ex years before our divorce. When he asked why, I'd tell him. He couldn't hear what I said anyway, so it didn't matter. When he would get mad at me, I'd walk away-there's no arguing, or finding solutions, so why put yourself thru the abuse? I'm still very sad that my son will never hear a man say "I love you" to me, or compliment me. He has only seen men criticize their women, which is very bad for his future. That's one of the reasons I divorced.

Quote

This does sounds like an undiagnosed/unacknowledged ADHD adult. I wasn’t diagnosed until the age of 37 just about the time I got divorced. We are defensive because of low self-esteem and we’re workaholics because that is how we TRY and make up for the deficiencies in the rest of our lives. It’s not unusual for an ADDer to have low self-esteem after a childhood and maybe even adulthood of not measuring up to the expectations you have for yourself. Most people learn expectations from their parents (or other adult role models). If the parents focus only on the shortcomings rather than the child’s strengths then that is how the child starts to look at themselves. After 20 or 30 years of that you can see how engrained it might become. If you want to work things out you are going to have to have a conversation (or more) with him alone, no children present. You need to express to him that you want to work on this WITH him. Make it about you as a COUPLE not about something he is doing wrong. After all this is the way he is. Just because you may not approve of his behavior sometimes doesn’t mean that you don’t love him. He needs to FEEL safe with you in order for him to open up to working on the issue. Just TELLING him he is won’t necessarily make him FEEL that way. If he won’t respond to that kind of approach then you may need to look for some additional help to get him on board. No matter what, you need to make it clear that it isn’t a matter of right and wrong or you’ll never get passed the defensiveness. He should also know that his behavior is going to affect his son the same way his father/mother’s behavior has affected him. If he loves his son and wants the best for him then he will do what it takes to get THIS job done. Remember, he doesn’t know how because he’s never been shown, so be understanding and patient it is going to take time to learn. He works so hard because that is the only way he knows to show you how much he loves you. Just remember that the next time he does something seemingly thoughtless. Once he FEELs safe opening up to you the issues of physical intimacy should be a whole lot easier to deal with. I commend you for reaching out and trying to help your son as well as your marriage. Good luck.

Quote

Thanks for the replys and advice. I really have tried to sit down and talk with my husband about these issues in a reasonable manner. I try not to play the blame game. I have even been doing a lot of "modeling' behavior. For instance, I will tell my husband "how handsome he looks, or how funny he is", in hopes that he will respond or notice me in return. So far, no luck with that. I have also given him a lot of positive feedback when he actually sets his cruise control and drives the speed limit, interacts positively with our son, and "engages" in life with me. Before I discovered this website and read about adult ADHD, I felt so alone. I had tried so hard to look perfect, act perfect, and make everything "okay", only to feel like a failure because it wasn't working. I get so tired sometimes of being rational, and yet feeling crazy. Does that make sense? Anyways, thanks for the support.

Quote

AH me, I'm one of those guys like your husband, and your story was beautifully told. From my perspective the answer to these kinds of problems is communication, communication, communication. If I were him you would get to me by asking for special time to talk, and with a bit of humor (to avoid my mind getting turned off, fearing a guilt trip about bad things I may have done) let him know 1) how much you value him and his fine qualities. 2) you are increasingly being worn down by ......., and concerned about ...... 3) You are aware that nagging may be counterproductive. 4) You need help with suggestions.

Humor? Ask for a Summit conference. (you know, like world leaders coming together ......

Good lucki

Quote

You’re not alone! My initial reaction to your first post was that it could have been written by my sister-in-law, except the part about the age difference and the fact that you speak so highly of your husband. I'm glad to hear about the "modeling" behavior. Unfortunately some of us can be a bit thick headed and even oblivious some times. Subtle things that others might pick up on easily will fly right by us without even registering. Just don't give up. One of these times he'll catch on. You might also try and spell it out for him. If he'll discuss feelings at all, a response like "Thank you, that made me feel really good" if he gives you a compliment or "I'll bet that made him feel really good" when he recognizes something positive your son did. That kind of response will not only help your husband but your son as well. Even if your husband doesn't realize you're spelling it out for him your son will notice your interest and YOUR positive interaction with your husband. Every positive interaction counts no matter who it's with. Slow and steady… It might take numerous attempts but eventually there will be a break through. Remember it took a long time for him to develop these thought and behavior patterns it will take some time for him to change them. I understand you’ve tried to talk to him about the issue but again don’t give up. Remember, he needs to feel safe like he’s OK telling you any or all of his deepest darkest fears and none of them are going to be used against him in the future. That’s not to say that he can do or say anything he wants to you. The respect has to be shown both ways. You can’t do this alone. It’s not your (individual) issue it’s an issue for both of you. You are two different people with your own feelings. Neither one is right and neither one is wrong they just are. You need to acknowledge each other’s feelings and respect that each other have them. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with each other just respect that the other feels the way they do. I can’t say I’ve experienced the same feelings you have with regards to the rational -v- crazy but I know its difficult trying to understand a “normal” brain when you’ve got ADD so I would think the reverse has got to be pretty difficult too. Keep up the good work….for all three of you.

Quote

P.S. You should also be honest about your feelings. If you aren’t honest with him about feeling like you’re getting shafted when you do, then it will make it that much harder for him to figure out how to make it better. They're your feelings and you have every right to have them. Honesty is always the best policy. Not brutal, just honest.

Quote

I appreciate what you all are saying, and it is so nice to just be able to have someone listen and understand. Cognitively I understand the process and how I should handle things..... but emotionally, I am so angry at times. My husband was in a previous marriage for eight years. (2 years longer than our marriage) Obviously it didn't work out. And they had no children together. I don't know her personally, or a whole lot about the relationship. But she does still live in the area, and has remarried also. I have never been the jealous type. I've always felt pretty good about who I am. I like me. But he has really hurt me by saying that they never had the problems like we do. She didn't "nag" him. Never a negative word about her. ( there are a lot of criticisms about me) And the superficial part of me looks at her and says "what's so great about that?" I am younger, much thinner, prettier, educated, and more successful... so, why do I allow him to make me feel lacking in any way? It's crazy. But it really gets to me at times. Talking to him about anything can be a nightmare. When he gets home, he fixates on the television. Last night I asked him to turn the volume down so we could talk, because turning it off is not an option, and he said that he could hear me "just fine", and then never looked at me while I tried to discuss my day and asked about his.... How do you not look at someone when they are talking to you? It was a harmless conversation. No negativity. Just trying to engage him. But no response. Sometimes it seems that he has completely shut me out of his mind. And don't get me started on this morning..... I complimented him on how nice he looked on his way out the door for work, and he looked at me and said "that shirt looks better than the one you had tried on first." I guess his way of acknowledging my compliment? Should I be grateful I got a response. or that he even looked at me? Anyways, I really am venting. Maybe I need to vent so I can let go of the anger and resentment.

Quote

Venting is important as long as it doesn't take the place of genuine conversation. It doesn't sound like your husband's previous marriage or his criticisms of you really have anything to do with you. Obviously if they never had any children it was different relationship than yours. It might be that he didn't feel she nagged him because they never talked about anything together. It is also possible that all of those things that you mentioned, younger, thinner, prettier, more educated and more successful all intimidate him. The criticism is his way of subconsciously dealing with that intimidation (bringing you back to the same level). Until he gets that behavior under control it might be good for you to have a list of comebacks for his common criticisms. Not to actually say to him but to tell yourself to dispute his opinion. He already knows the truth even if he won't admit it. You don't want your self-esteem to suffer because of his inaccurate assessments. Believe it or not I have conversations with people without looking at them all the time. I know about it so I try not to. I'm not saying that it's right or socially proper or even nice but it is one of our traits. In fact turning the television on or the radio when I'm trying to concentrate actually improves my concentration. I find that it forces my brain to focus on the topic I'm processing and filter out the other stuff. Sometimes it's not the topic of conversation that I find frustrating (or overwhelming) but having the conversation itself. Sometimes there are so many thoughts going through my head that I don't have room in there to process another conversation that I actually "need" to think about. Is there any time of day that it appears that he is less stressed out less frustrated? It might be beneficial to try talking about your days than instead of after he gets home from work. Telling you that the shirt you are wearing looks better than the one you tried on first is actually a compliment. It might not sound that way but you should take it that way. It also does show (provided he was correct ... LOL) that he is paying attention to you more than you might have noticed. If you find that your anger and resentment don't subside or don't get easier when you understand the reasons behind his actions then it might be good to get some professional help. Especially if he isn't willing to admit his condition or seek assistance with it. We are not the easiest folks in the world to get along with even when on meds and using behavior modification techniques. There is absolutely no shame in getting assistance to talk out your problems. Let me know if you have any more questions. Chin up and smile. It will make you feel better.

Quote