I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I understand. My husband has ADD but we have no insurance or money to see a doctor and pay for meds. When he was single he looked at porn. When we got married I told him it made me uncomfortable and he said okay no problem. Two years ago I was on his computer and found lots of it. I told him that I was very hurt. He said he was sorry, must have missed it and would delete it all. Six months after that I went through is computer again, yes snooping. I found even more porn that had been downloaded since his promise to check the computer. I went through his email and found a sign up for a website called adultfriendfinder. I was devistated. He promised that he had never met anyone nor cheated on me. I went through his cell phone records and didn't find any strange numbers. We went to counsiling even though that didn't last for financial reasons. We still have a lot of problems and I still don't fully trust him but he knows that. I downloaded software onto all the computers to alert me if certain kinds of websites were visited. I also check his cell phone and phone records. He calls me when he arrives and work and when he's on his way home. He rarely goes out alone with out myself or one of our kids and calls me while he's out. The three reasons I stayed was 1. a willingness to work on things with an understanding that trust had to be rebuilt and may not happen for a long time 2. how much I love him and 3. I believed him when he said he never physically cheated on me or even had a live conversation with another woman. It sounds from what you said that your husband has gone further than my husband and you don't believe that he didn't physically cheat on you even though he did cheat in a way. I think the important questions to ask yourself in trying to decide if you should leave him are 1. do you believe he didn't physially cheat on you? 2. how much do you love him? 3. is there a willingness to take responsibility and re-build the trust / do you think there will ever be a possibility of trusting him again? I hope this helps.. If you ever need to talk you can email me tlpat@verizon.net ... I know I was embarassed to tell family or friends about this.. Good luck.

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and the reason is you both found them in lies that they have repeatedly told you. I was taught if it walks like a duck , quacks like a duck , it is a duck. I think the pain is causing denial in you and you need to face it because this ins;'t easy habits to break demonstrated by the one who says that he wouldn't look at porn.but had repeatedly done so over the years. I think you need to trust your instinct don't question it;and then have to make a decision of what you will tolerate. Many ADHD people look for the stimulus of illicit affairs and it is thrilling to the person who engages in this behavior. It does speak to some of the poor choices the person with ADHD can make. I feel I am being so blunt but being ADHD myself I don't know how to be any other way. JUst be fair to yourselves and be kind to yourselves. Don't fall for BS they are going to tell you. I hope it works out for you

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I'm sorry to hear that you going through such a hard time. I can give you my perspective as a man suffering from ADD who cheated on his spouse. I never went to the extremes that it appears your husband has. My infidelity was limited to one initially intellectual/emotional affair which turned into a physical. Regardless of the quantity or purpose the result is the same. I will never claim that what I did was right or justified because it wasn't. The physical component of my marriage was nonexistent. It was my responsibility as a married adult to work things out with my spouse. Ultimately you have to decide where the line in the sand is. I am sorry that the therapist you went to see told you to get out without allowing you to make the decision for yourself. I was in therapy for almost a year before I was able to tell my spouse that our marriage was over.

In my experience a marriage must have intellectual and physical intimacy and fidelity. If either of those components is missing or insufficient the party who is left longing will go outside the marriage to try and get it. That is not to say that infidelity in any form is acceptable, it isn't. Respect for your spouse is paramount. If he respects you he will do what it takes to figure out what he is missing from your relationship and how you might be able to satisfy those needs. In turn, you must show him enough respect to hold him accountable for his actions and yet be open to listen without judgment to what he feels is missing from the relationship. Your daughter needs to see that you both love and respect one another and her enough to put aside any ego or pride in order to come to that decision. As difficult as it is you need to give him a choice to go WITH you for counseling or not and be prepared in the event he chooses not to. This is not an issue that he can work out all by himself. I can tell you that in my experience no matter how many times I screwed up it was never my intention to hurt anyone. After 13 years, my guess is that his intention is not to hurt you either. Those fantasies are filling some void. You guys need to find out what that is in order to make things work. Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you.

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ADD is wrought with self doubt and low self esteem. This makes family a vital foundation.

I dated a girl for several years. We took turns with indiscretions and it ate me alive.

My dad soldiered for 19 years constantly holding on to family in spite of my mom's severe schizophrenia. He kept his promise and never wandered. That gave me great strength when she passed and when my wife and I ran into real rough patches. I never crossed the line and never put myself in a place convenient to do so. I refused to sacrifice foundation until there was nothing left for it to support. Then I found out through my son I was ADD and rebuilt.

I've given up judging people, bring compassion when ever possible and make mistakes every day.

My best friend tired of the charade and when he realized the damage it created for his daughter, he immediately ended the remaining legal aspect of an 18 year marriage. It devastated him financially. All concerned are doing much better.

If I were you, I'd assess what's left. I hope you find something.

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Don't take his Porn-watching or sexual urges personal, he probably just has an addictive desire for sex. I'm an ADHD guy, and can tell you straight up that the rush you get from sex can become incredibly addictive. Chances are your husband just needs or wants more sex than you - but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or love you any less.

It seems your best bet is to try to find a way to fulfill his desires without letting them destroy your close relationship. Maybe negotiate something with him that he can work with on a weekly basis. Understand that he probably has difficulty controlling his desire for sex, and you just need to acknowledge it without letting it get to you emotionally.

Chances are, he probably hates himself for not being open about this, but its something he's eager to talk with you about.

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