Before you marry him please make sure he does understand ADD is real. or you will live a life of hell. stop trying to be perfect because it never is going to happen. this is something he must understand. Finances for ADDers are not always easy because we are very distractable and look for stimulation and spending money is one way we can keep boredom at of it. Be very honest with your self and make sure he is really the one you want to marry because it seems your post sounds alittle afraid you are not going to live up to expectations. No ADD is not a excuse but it is real. Some books like Living with distraction can help especially if you sit with your finance and show him how you score in the test. If he is too critical of you especially now it will get worse after you are married things rarely change after the I do"s. I write list down and cross things off as I do them to get me focused. I refuse to listen to my husband if he dictates or belittle me so you need to have to come up with things you will not tolerate. There is a book for spouse of aADDers I don't know the name of it : but it would be very wise to buy it and give to him so he understands some of the challenges and joys of living with ADD. Remember no one not even he is perfect we all have our faults and great things about us that make us unique . I hope i helped I really don't mean to uspset you and am soory if I did . sometimes I am to blunt Take care

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If he truly believes that ADHD is just as excuse, you have a problem.

Being married gets better with time ONLY if the current situation is the way it should be...

Ask yourself this, "If this is the best it will be, will I be satisfied?"

Don't bank on his attitude changing, if anything, symptoms of ADHD get more difficult to live with over time.

There are success stories in marriage and ADHD, but the story starts strong.

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Nikki,

Living with ADHD is difficult enough without having the most significant person in your life adding to it by refusing to validate what you have to deal with 24/7. If you were diabetic, would you allow this man who, I assume, professes to love you, call it an "excuse" ? If your leg was broken would he belittle you for limping? As an until recently undiagnosed ADHD sufferer myself, I can assure you first hand that this disorder is just as real, just as valid, and no more a character flaw than any other medical condition. Diabetes is a disorder of the metabolism/pancreas. ADHD is a disorder of the brain - an organ just like any other in your body. When your fiance gets his medical degree and Ph.D. in psychology, THEN he can debate the reality of a diagnosis that is accepted by the rest of the medical community, including the American Psychological Association. As your partner, his job is to support you through your difficulties, not make them worse by refusing to acknowledge they exist. Love lifts you up, it doesn't bring you down. That includes loving yourself enough to not allow others to emotionally abuse you, especially the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with. By what you wrote, it doesn't sound like you are totally convinced that your ADD is real yourself. You still blame yourself for forgetting things and having problems with finances. That makes no more sense than diabetics blaming themselves for unstable blood sugar. "If I only cared more, tried harder, my blood sugar would be normal." Do you see what I mean? Do some research WITH your fiance. If he truly loves you, he will do what it takes to help you improve your condition. He has to accept all of you, the way that you are, without exception and that includes your ADHD. I am truly lucky to have found a prince who supports, guides, and understands me, but I had to kiss my share of frogs before I found him. Please, please, please make sure this man is going to be there for you for BETTER OR FOR WORSE before you say "I do". Breaking up is hard, but divorce is a thousand times harder.

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Thank you everyone for you responses. Definately a lot of help. Out of my own frustration, I may have may it sound as if my fiance is not a supportive person, but he is very supportive of me. He is putting me through school, and helps me whenver I need it. He defiantely has come to the rescue a for me a lot. He just doesn't know anything about ADD and doesn't understand it at all. I like the idea of doing research about it with him. i think that would help me to understand it as well. Yes, I do feel a lot of times that my ADD is an excuse perhaps becuase I don't really understand much about it myself. I have heard a lot of stories about people with ADD who do (with treatment) become success both in love and financially. My financial issue isn't that I spend a lot, but I don't quite have a job right now which puts a lot of stress on my unemployed fiance. I have definately given some thought about our relationship and overall it is a very rewarding one. I think one of our problems is that HE may have ADD as well. I am trying to convince him to get tested as well. I think that if we both work on our ADD and devise tacticts to curtail our behaviors, we can definately be successful. I'm sure it will take a lot of work but I think it is well worth i in the end. Please keep giving me your opinions. It is very helpful to hear from other people who understand ADD. Maybe I can get a batter understanding soon too :)

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I am glad to read your last post. It sounds so much different then your first post. start with books like "Living with Distraction " and other books that are recommended from there. If your fiance is ADD when he read this book he will know it right it away. It had that affect on me. I didn't get diagnosed until after I was married for years. I struggle with it due to my mouth and just blurting things out especially in work with my bosses. It is really tough not working and I can see how this adds stress to him . It feels like when you are the only one bringing in the money that If you mess up or get sick the world is going to collapse. With this postive post I think you and him have a successful relationship. Just Keep the lines of communication open, respect each other even when you don't agree. compromise, and be each other biggest supporters and it will work out . Good Luck (judi)

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I am married to a man who was not diagnosed until we were married 7 years he was 40. In the last four years he is very proactive in the realm of taking his meds, going to therapy, etc. However not in our relationship, the long he was in therapy the worse our relationship became. I am currently trying to find a support group because I often think about divorce but I feel guilty that I am giving up on the relationship because of his illness, but then I'm giving up ever being happy. We went to counseling and when I felt things were at there absolute worst, he thought things were improving! Not only are we not on the same page, we are not even in the same library. The counselor's suggestion.....for me to get some material about how to live with an ADD spouse. My question is what part of this is his ADD and what part is his heart. How long do I go wanting, not living life? Any help or suggestions or literature will be greatly appreciated.

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When we first find out what the thing is called l noticed we tend to become very proactive in terms of "Me" not us because we have struggled for so long and trying to figure out what was going on is a relief; sometimes it becomes a obssessive mode in the treatment and working on our selfs. He felt better because he felt he was getting better. I know what he is going through it took allot of fighting and realizing by me how I was ignoring my husband. I tend to listen better now off meds you would think it would be the other way around but not for me. If you need something from him just tell him and if suggestes something be open to it. It can be allot of work to make a relationship work ; but remeber it can be done . He has learned I need time to myself and I make sure I spend time with my fmily at first I found I wanted to be alone because I felt really angry that it took so long to get a name for my quirkness. I had a harde nough being in arealtionship and it took a toll on me. a good counselor will point things out to him and yes you because it does take two. My counselor would point things out to me that should have been obvious to me but due to the ADD it went right over my head because I would just miss the clues to something I think our relationship got better when I began to engage myself and tried to pay attention . I also have set up for myself no more listening to the put downs or name calling etc that he would do if he felt ignored.

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Nikki,

I'm very glad to hear that your fiance is so supportive of you in the other major areas of your life. If you are right about him having ADHD/ADD as well, that might explain why he considers it an excuse. I was told for a few years by a number of therapists that I might have ADHD before I was actually officially diagnosed. I never believed it because I didn't want to admit that there was something else wrong with me (I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at age 19 but refused to have anything done about it until I was 25. Sensing a pattern here. LOL.) I waited until the symptoms were to the point that I could no longer cope with them anymore before listening to my current psychiatrist and getting tested. Once the diagnosis was official, I started doing research. The more I read the more I realized how much better off I could have been if I had listened to the therapists in the beginning. It's hard to hear that you have any kind of disorder, especially one that is still as misunderstood by the mainstream as ADHD. But it's infinitely harder to ignore a problem and continue to let it negatively affect your life. This is even more true when it's a condition that can be treated. I wish I could go back in time and get the help then that I'm getting now. I would have been so much further ahead in my progress with managing my symptoms than I am now. The point of all this is, time is precious - don't waste it by not accepting your condition as anything more than an excuse. That makes it sound like it's a character flaw, something that's your fault. As I said in my previous post, ADHD is no more an excuse or a character flaw than diabetes, heart disease, or any other bonafide medical issue. You owe it to yourself and your relationship to learn as much as you can about why you do certain things the way you do so you can work on getting better. The same goes for your fiance. Read all you can on the subject. A couple of tips on researching ADHD: first, start with books that have the newest publication dates. Researchers are constantly finding out new information, so it's best to get the most up to date books and articles as possible. Second, ADHD symptoms manifest differently in men than they do women, so look for information specifically on women with ADHD/ADD. This is one resource that I've found - http://www.womenwithadhd.com/ (I hope it's ok to post links here!). Also, I believe Sari Solden specializes in ADHD in women, so she would be a good name to look up. And of course, dig through this website. One more tip: try not to get overwhelmed with all the information there is out there on this subject. That's been a tough issue for me. Take your time and go through one book or website at a time! I'm still working on being able to do that myself! Good luck to you and your fiance. :)

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Thanks for the input about newly diagnosed ADDers. I feel that I may be all about me right now and super focused on fixing this problem and I can really see how my fiance would think that I am being self-centered or neglecting of what his needs are. This is definatlely something that I am going to need to work on. I do think that sometimes when you try to explain your ADD people can take it as you giving excuses rather than simply giving them an explanation. when I explain my ADD i by no means am giving excuses, I'm just trying to explain why I do what I do and why it takes me longer than other to change the things that I do. It's difficult to change your ADD habits, expecially when you don't know where to start. It's definately been hard since I am going to school full time. Trying to balance school, finances and home life all at the same time is very overwhelming. I know my fiance is trying to understand but it's very stressful being the sole provider (especially and unemployed one). Also, thanx for the women with ADD website. I'm definately going to look it up.

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Nikki - I want to tell you that all these earlier replies are true. Your enthusiasm for discovering more about this thing now has a name, and it is very personal. I'm glad you are where you are and you should continue searching these resources. I was diagnosed probably 10 years ago, but it took unemployment and a major depression episode to get me to go to a new Dr. and ultimately -aggressive help. My spouse laughed at me -belittled my condition, she thought it was all excuse and didn't realize how much encouragement I had never received and so desperately needed. If I didn't have a strong faith, we would be divorced. It wasn't fights, it was silence, parallel trains traveling on different tracts. She threatened to leave me twice. Until I stated medication she didn't take this seriously. Even now, after much healing our communication intimacy has scars of suffering - we respect the boundaries, and know our weaknesses, but that soul-mate intimacy we often hear, is a foreign concept now. It might have been better if I had an ADD spouse, so just a bit of personal advice - delay the marriage as long as you need to, and get as much pre-marriage counseling/ courses as you can, to make a happy life with someone that you KNOW - CAN grow with you. I just wanted to give you a glimpse of the work that will be necessary in a marriage - Thank you for the posts everyone -they're great!

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Hello Nikki,

The site that I go to is www.LotusBridge.com and I speak with Ariane Benefit. She is very helpful.

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The responses to your initial post made me smile. I think you guys made my day, seriously.

Speaking as a woman who's ADD (inattentive variety) I can say that the relationship advice is spectacular. ADD is hard to live with (whether you're the ADDer or the spouse), but never, ever take that to mean that you are unworthy of love simply because your brain works differently than your fiance's.

This isn't strictly speaking a flaw--you see the world in a way that others don't, like many of us ADD ladies--and that is amazing. I wouldn't trade my worldview for anything! Of course, there are parts of my ADD I don't love, such as blanking out in the middle of conversations (people tell me I look kinda like this: @.@) and wandering around in a total fog, and also making my grocery list during sexual activity--it's serious, yes, but I'm kind of laughing as I type this). Fortunately, Concerta has been a huge help in this regard---but everyone's different.

Also, you shouldn't accept a partner that puts you down when he should lift you up. You shouldn't be the only partner making compromises, is what I'm saying. Use this time before your marriage to take a good look at what kind of man he is, and whether he's man enough to truly love you for better or for worse.

I have to say you're one patient lady. I would probably have whacked my boyfriend upside the head if he'd suggested for a moment that my ADD was an 'excuse'. Or at least told him to eff off. (This may be why I am single at present, LOL.)

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if there is a loss of cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will drop, first put on your own before helping others...

The logic is that you cannot help others, or your relationship or job, until you are some way "sorted out".

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I agree 100% with everything you said in the above post!!

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curtsies Why thank you, Oliver. XD That took a long time to type! My first response was pretty short: "Whack him over the head with "Driven to Distraction" until he admits you're right". I went back and changed it, though. Seemed a bit counter-productive to say the least. ;)

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First of all being ADD is not an excuse, it is very real & most of ADDer's find that being in a world of non - ADD can be very stressful as well as very intense, simply because we are misunderstood in so many ways. I will tell you straight up that you need hold on getting married for a while, your fiance needs to stop acting like a big jerk whom thinks he knows everything and educate himself on your ADD , he needs to understand that your ADD is not an excuse , he needs to realize that your ADD is very real for you , he needs to stop being so critical on you , open his mind to someone else besides himself . I would advise you both to find some sort of couples therphist whom is experienced with adult ADD , it might be that your fiance needs to hear from an Adult ADD therphist that ADD is real .

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In the perfect world, HER testimony would be good enough for her fiance. You know? That shows a level of a$$holery that might be a red flag---but hey, that's one girl's opinion.

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I found out after eight years of marriage, two kids and a couple of years wondering weather either of us would be home that night.

I got lucky. My dad gave me an uncompromising foundation. I married the right girl. The problems are still here, but they are no longer central.

Understanding is not enough. Liabilities of all types must be embraced, compensated and delegated. Promises good or bad must be kept at all cost for a relationship to work and a family to be successful. The work and strength required is tremendous.

Divorce court and prisons are disproportionately represented by ADDers.

Standing alone at the alter can actually be the biggest rescue.

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Here's my take on relationships as a person recently diagnosed with adhd as an adult. My responsibility is to be totally clear and honest about what I can and cannot do well. I'm single right now, and this is my attitude as I start to date.

I am not the person who should be organizing complex logistical tasks, neither at home, nor at work. I need to tell my partner that, not just tell them, but tell them UNAPOLOGETICALLY. I'm not asking for them to "tolerate" me. I my adhd smells so bad to them, then they should move right along.

I'll be honest: there is no way I would marry someone who is skeptical about adhd or me being adhd. Just wouldn't do it any sooner than I would marry someone who is skeptical about me being a decent person. By the way, I'm one of the people who does see my adhd traits as "weaknesses" and not just "quirks" or strengths. The struggles I have with deadlines have really frustrated me in my career and in my relationships.

Now on the other hand, I do have strengths and yes, some of these are connected, I suppose, with my adhd. And just as I don't want to apologize for my weaknesses, I don't want to minimize my strengths. So a person who wants to marry me needs to accept my weaknesses and celebrate my strengths (and vice versa, by the way, as I need to work around her weaknesses and celebrate and cultivate her strengths).

ADHD exacts a terrible toll on self esteem. It is important that we find the most supportive people we can. But even with the most supportive of spouses, life will be a challenge.

I definitely recommend Sari Solden's ADDulthood book. Fantastic book about the clinic and existential challenges of adults as they move through the world with adhd.

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