hi rocketmom, welcome to our world :) what i would advice you to do is get him tested for ADD as soon as possible, cause if it is ADD, you can start helping him with meds. dont think that i'm over the moon that i have to give meds to my son, but i've seen enough change to believe that i did the best thing. but if isn't ADD, but something about his childhood problems, then obviously you'll have to find a way and convince him about therapy......i really wish you luck with that! cause i know how oppositional they can be! during the years when we did not know that he had ADD, my son also looked depressed, obviously because he was going to school everyday and never getting the hang of anything.........that's frustrating enough saying it, let alone having to go through it! now he seems more open and happy, because he can come out of school, knowing what had been going on during lessons! so the meds do help, like this morning, i gave him the Ritalin at 8am while he was still in bed, then he got up at 9, had breakfast, took a shower (all without me having to say do this and that) then he settled down and did his hw for one hour straight, without my help ( i usually sit beside him) and with totally excellent handwriting and neat work!

i hope you find help too with your step son, he's lucky to have you as his mom :)

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Hi. I can relate to your concern about your 14 year-old son as my daughter, who is 10, acts in a similar way. She has admitted that she is scared of people and has a lot of anxiety, coupled with ADHD. She also refuses to go to therapy and tells me she can handle things. She takes Concerta which helps alot in getting her to be much more constructive with her time. However, on the occasional weekend day when I don't give it to her, she could play Nintendo literally all day with breaks only for eating and going to the toilet! During these days, I realized that I have to put strict limits on the time spent with the Nintendo. I give her several warnings to prepare her, such as half-hour more with the Nintendo then find something else to do. Then, I remind her at 15-minute intervals, etc. It is difficult because without the Nintendo she is lost and doesn't know what to do with herself. But I find that after a while thrashing about, she does find something else to do such as drawing, going outside and getting dirty, etc. However, she is usually alone and I do end up having to devote time to her. But at least she is off the electronic toys which can act like a drug I think. Perhaps it is more difficult to set such strict limits with a 14 year old boy. But I do think that this is the first step. You need to set strict limits on the amount of time spent with the XBox. Then, see what he does with his unstructured time. I have found that I have to organize social occasions for my daughter as she can't do it on her own. So, this also helps occasionally. But the larger issues such as the anxiety and lack of social skills do need to be adressed. As a first step, get him off the XBox, then try to devote one-on-one time with him to create an environment where he might open up and talk to you or his father about his fears and anxieties. This will open the communication channels between you and him through which you might be able to adresse the larger issues. Good luck - it is not easy but with lots of love and patience you will get there!

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I have the same problem. I already exercise pretty strict control over the Xbox (but now am having to expand that to youtube, etc.). My son has been diagnosed with ADD, possible Asperger's, and takes Vyvanse, which has definitely helped in school, but: getting bad grades, although "gifted", and he has no friends. He strongly resists any efforts I make to encourage him to invite friends over, or participate in any activities. He does play one sport - lacrosse, but doesn't attempt to interact with the other team players outside of games/practices. What do you do with a teenager who says he doesn't need friends and just wants to be alone??? Are we worrying about this too much? Over-thinking things?The teachers say he gets along fine with kids at school.

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Greetings, Rocketmom! You are certainly not alone in this. My son is 12.5 yrs old and has really been suffering socially his entire life. He has had GREAT difficulty getting and maintaining friendships. He was diagnosed with ADHD, Tourettes and OCD as well as having an anxiety disorder. He takes Vyvance daily and Orap twice a day to control his Tourettes. My son is obsessed with computer and video games. So much so that it has really affected is ability to pursue other hobbies. I am a single parent and on a very limited income but I still try to offer him lessons and sports activities and club opportunities so that he can socialize and interact and learn new hobbies/interests. Each time he refuses. It has taken me a VERY long time to see behind his wall that he puts up but 9 chances out of 10, the reason he won't pursue it is out of his own anxieties for new situations. Many times ADDers are VERY inflexible and any adjustment to their routines can really be hard for them to deal with. It takes very strong coping skills that sometimes ADDers struggle with developing What I have found that works the best with my son is just MAKING him do it. I also have him limited on the time he can spend on computer/video games. We have a rule in my house that there is NO computer during the school week unless it has to do with a project or unless he has been rewarded by something exceptional he has done, e.g. came home and diligently did his homework without being asked, brought home a great report card, etc. Its on a case by case basis but the overall rule is...computer is only on weekends. I also have to MAKE him go outside and do things with him. He will whine and balk at what I suggest but I don't listen and most of the time, after we are done with our outing, he usually comes back and tells me he had alot of fun. For some reason though when he faces something new he looks at it like a MOUNTAIN rather than a small mole-hill....and it takes a great deal for him to get over that initial anxiety. My advice to you would be to start out small, tell your step son that he will be doing a new activity on some weekend. Try to give him a few days advance notice and keep reminding him until the day arrives that you are doing the event. He may fight you on it and whine and complain but just ignore it. Try to work with him on it but remember he probably won't admit to you that it is difficult for him to face this new task/experience so that's why I am suggesting you tell him in advance. Begin to talk about the event and share your feelings about the experience that he may have, e.g. if its something outdoors you could talk about how beautiful the weather is going to be or try to find something to connect HIM to the experience that he COULD have. Maybe you have found a class that has other kids his age with ADD and you might mention the class has other kids that he will be able to relate to, etc. Help him envision a calm, positive experience and hopefully it will subdue some of his anxiety.

I should also mention that my son absolutely HATES sports. Mainly because he can't deal with the competitiveness. It stresses him out even more so you might want to consider some activities that have low competition levels. What about a robotics class? If your step son is anything like regular ADDers he is HIGHLY creative and imaginative, even though it may not seem like it sometimes....cause he might get stuck on ONE thing, i.e. video games. Also, be prepared to have to try a TON of different activities. ADDers get bored so easily. It makes me angry sometimes to spend my money on lessons or classes for something only to have my son want to stop going. This is a good opportunity to start teaching kids how to finish what they start, whether they like it or not.

Anyway, I know that I have written quite a bit here and probably could keep going. I didn't really address your concern about therapy....my son hasnt really had any issues with that yet, although I only take him to a psychiatrist right now. If you handle it like the suggestion above about giving him a heads up and telling him he HAS to go, you may find he might get over the initial anxiety of the situation and begin to accept it. Especially if you stress the fact that going to a counselor will give him an outlet to talk to someone that ISNT a parent and he can be free to say whatever he wants. Also, check to see if there are any kids in his school that volunteer to mentor younger kids. Perhaps there is a peer at his own school that is older that can possibly buddy up with him and seek HIM out even if he rejects the socialization .....I bet your step son just KNOWING there is someone there to talk to if he needs it MAY help.

Sorry if any of this is redundant from what you may already know or have experienced...I hope SOME of it may be useful to you. Keep us posted please!

-Joy, Houston, TX Mother of 12.5 son w/ADHD, Tourettes, OCD, AD

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My son in his 3rd year of HS started to tell me he never has time to ever finish a test. He said he knows that if he could he would do much better. He was an A/B student so it wasn't a critical problem. He was always very shy and socially awkward and always refused to speak out in class when called upon. He said he knew the answers but being "put on the spot" he would freeze up as he needed extra time to think for a few moments before responding so he would just not answer. He was in a private prep school that had very small classes so that would put added pressure on him to be in the spotlight. In the senior year the test time seemed more of an issue. I spoke with the academics dean and he recommended a psychologist to the home for testing. She determined ADHD and a mild cognitive impairment. His IQ was 136 but he processes info very slowly. He was given extended testing time and it worked perfectly for him. I wanted to take him to a doctor for eval for possibly mdication but he refused. At the end of Sr year I told him I did not want to see him struggle as I did all my life. I was diagnosed with ADD at age 40 and in hindsight looked back saw that my whole life I was compensating to just get by. I became an RN but always had problems at work- not to the point of being let go but was always shyed away from difficult assignments and had terrible organization that led to over-needed overtime to finish my work. I told him I didn't want to see him go off to college and struggle as there are medications that could help. Being a young man herefused to talk with a theapist or see a psychiatrist. Well... after he was in college a couple of months he called me. He said the homework he is trying to do should only take 1-2 hrs and he was still at it for 5 hours and he would go to see anybody and talk. I took him to my doctor and he was put on Ritalin - evenings only for studying. He refused to take day time meds. In the end he graduated from U of Pittsburgh as an electrical engineer and we know he never would have made it through with out medication. He is out 2 years now, working in NYC as a good EE and is doing grad school on-line for a year now. He continues to take Ritalin for his schoolwork. A doctor suggested med for all day but he still is a bit anti-med so continues to use it for school work. The only prob he has is he comes home, 7-8pm takes his med and has severe issues with getting enough sleep. I suspect he also has possible sleep apnea which he will get around to addressing hopefull one day. I think as your son matures a bit or hears he is not alone and that there is help besides medication alone today or can speak with others his age who have the same problems he just might come around. It is a difficult time for a young man his age to accept this on top of all the other emotional turmoil. Hope it works out for you both and keep gently encouraging- but do not nag constantly.

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thanks for your encouraging post annie......much appreciated! glad it turned out so well for your son :)

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