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Demotivated, stressed, down, worried, restless
Don't even know where to begin. I was diagnosed by a psychologist about 6 years ago in my late 20s (after pretty much wasting the previous 10 years going nowhere in my career). Not long after that I found a job I liked a lot which offered a lot of autonomy (somewhat in a creative/business development/sales capacity for a media/advertising company). I had a very understanding boss, and I had job fulfillment for once. I managed to somehow stay for 4 years (all of my previous 10 jobs or so never lasted more than 1.3 years [at most]).
In those 4 years I almost lost my job a few times because for months I would suddenly lose my motivation to work badly and really struggle to get up for work (there were days I didn't even report in [even if I had enough sleep]. Even if my boss knew about it he never brought it up specifically). With the guilt and shame I felt I will of course under-perform more, and feel increasingly awful about it - get very depressed, and under-perform even more (especially if my boss brings my lack of performance up when he had no choice). I would feel so lousy and it would compound my lack of motivation and it became a viscious cycle. About 2 years ago my father passed away without much notice and it devastated me and my family, and on top of that I had a major feud with my sister. So [and until now also] since then I've had to shoulder all financial responsibilties for myself and my mum. But those days when I had no more will to report in for work my boss still paid me to stay home and tend to my mum and myself, and I took full advantage of it as I really needed the respite.
I loved my job, it paid me ok, but financial and personal circumstances forced me to finally leave for a sales job in a fast-paced telecommunications giant. In the end, when I resigned, we were both very reluctant but my needs were too overwhelming.The pay is substantially better now and the potential commissions very attractive. However I find myself 4 months down the line quite unhappy with my progress, and I feel myself sliding back into a demotivated state. The main reason is I feel so incompetent trying to keep up with processes and paperwork (tons of it). and the organizational skills required here are very high crucial. When I look at my other colleagues who seem to be so comfortable with minute and complex details and processes I feel very discouraged with my lack of cmprehension and understanding. It's so hard to keep up with all the details.
From a results-driven (cosy and family-feel) start up I'm now in a process and numbers-driven giant and it feels really scary. The potential pay out is great but I'm just so behind in paperwork and administrative processes it's hard to achieve anything, and I feel like my bosses are monitoring my situation closely. I haven't felt such great pressure to perform both professionally and also personally (very huge commitments and penalties to pay every month [penalties from a few years of reckless credit card usage]). I want to do well but am really so down. I'm definitely not in a position to get a coach, and it's very doubtful there is even one here in Malaysia.
Just wondering if someone out there feels as dejected as I do. Really feel alone here as hardly anybody understands my struggles, especially if I bring my ADD into it. They don't seem to get why I can't seem to just overcome. I'm also frustrated because even though my old job is kinda still available if I want it (I suppose), it wouldn't be able to pay me what I need to keep me afloat, liquidate my debts and save up enough to get married. If only I could somehow find a way to motivate myself to get up for work, I think I'll be somewhat ok.
I lift up my eyes to the hills--from where will my help come?"
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9 Mar 2010 @ 12:22 AM
10 Mar 2010 @ 9:52 AM
