It's been nine months since I gave my son up & lately I have been having a hard time dealing with the loss . I will be honest it wasn't until two months after I gave my son up that all the emotions hit me at once , it was at this time that Jeremy and I had just moved into our new house , things were crazy , we were trying to get furnature , frame pictures ect ect , a couple of weeks after we moved in , it all of a sudden hit me that my little boy was gone , that I was going to have to live the next 10-12 yrs missing out on him growing up . I went through a very horrible depression that lasted for 6 months & then on friday the 13th Jeremy and I got maggie our little 2 yr old female jack russel terrier mix , for the first time in 6 months I smiled and my depression seemed to break , that was 3 almost four months ago , then just recently the depression came back , it hit just a couple days ago , on my mom's birthday as a matter of fact which was the 9 months annoversery since I gave my son up , the whole entire day I was an emotional wreck , missed my son more than ever . I miss the simple act of tucking him in bed of a night, I miss holding him in my arms, miss hearing him say mommy , I miss his smell and just miss being a mom in general . I made the mystake of voicing my feelings and voicing my fear , that when Jeremy and I have a child of our own that as soon as the baby is born that DSS will be knocking on my door , asking me all kinds of questions and finding any reason to take away my baby . Of course when I voiced my this fear on the Ivillage Bio mom's message boards some of the reponses I got were postive but most of the reponses I got were very crewel and mean . I was told that I should have left Jeremy when DSS put my back again the wall telling me to choose between Jeremy or William , I was told that I shouldn't even think about bringing another chid into this world while drawing disability , I was told that me being ADD I am considered to be enequipted to be a parent and that because Jeremy is ADHD & living on disability that he should be consider enequipted to parent as well . I was also told that because of the history with my son that I will most certrainly be on DSS radar , that I should have moved heaven and earth to get my son back and that I couldn't even manage to complete all the assesments that DSS requested , so there for I should own up to my responsiblities and not bring another child into the world , if I couldn't manage to keep my first child from being taken and put up for adoption . Of cours all of those comments didn't help me at all and now I am questioning myself on weather I was a good mother to begin with .

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