I think the only people who will understand us ADDers are other ADDers. I try to explain it to my employees who are not ADD, one understands because she has an ADD son, the other doesnt and wont. So I can understand your frustration and troubles with coping (Im sure). I too am a health professional, doctorate degreed, yet scattered and disorganized in my ADD. I too had to try a few meds before I found one that was right for me, and I knew it all along. Getting help via a prescriber is difficult in this area, and I had to make several dozen phone calls before I found a prescriber. Talk about frustrating!

Feel free to pm me to start a conversation to support each other. Its what I know I've been looking for!

Quote

I am so glad I read this post! I have not yet been diagnosed but after spending lots of time researching ADD for my children who ARE diagnosed I realized the apple did not fall far from the tree. It explains so much. But now I am frustrated because I feel as though when I tell people they just think I am joking in order to explain away my behaviors. I desperately would like to get an official diagnosis so I can explain myself with some legitimacy. I have discussed this with my Mom who practically rolls her eyes at me but has not had any difficulty with the children's diagnosis and is very sympathetic to them. I decided to go back to school this year in addition to working full time and taking care of three ADD teens and feel like I am losing my mind! I can barely keep up with the schedules and have totally lost track of what my kids are doing in school only so I don't lose track of what I'm doing in school. Is it possible that a diagnosis and some treatment could really help me make sense of my life? I always just though I was a bit of a ditz and I would never have a life in which I might be on top of things and not always swimming up stream. Thanks for posting and thanks for listening.

Quote

dgmadd & addX3 - I'm so glad you can relate too! From what I've gathered, it's not uncommon for women to be undiagnosed til they're adults. Part of it may be that our brains finally start changing as we get older and some of it could be that we're finally strong enough to stand on our own two feet, believe in ourselves, and stand up for what we need. I was lucky because I have a general practitioner who is fascinated with studying anything to do with new info about how the brain works. His policy is to try 2 non-stimulants first, then go on to stimulants if those don't work. We gave each med. a full month to prove itself. While taking one drug I found that I was becoming very angry and had dark thoughts all of a sudden. I tend to be a ray of sunshine, so we nipped that drug in the bud really quick! I KNEW the diagnosis was correct and was willing to do the work and ride it all out til we found the right prescription for me. It took from April to December, but several months of that was tweaking how much Adderall I needed and whether extended release was best, etc. I learned to quit asking my hubby and his mom (she lives with us) their opinion because I realized they weren't seeing this through the same eyes as I was and it invited the possiblity of critique. I'm quite sensitive, so that would be a bad idea! The less I mentioned the medication (I even try to take it when no one is looking so they forget to think of me as "different") the further it seemed to be from their mind. After all, if no one notices anything, maybe it means things are running smoothly. Since those of us with ADD (women particularly, I bet!) tend to be less self confident, it's a time to start feeling empowered and stand tall. So I take my meds in private and smile inwardly because I know me 'n that bottle are a team, not codependent! I've heard that some pharmacists have made ADD'ers feel that they were criminal for getting a stimulant prescription but that hasn't been the case here either. My pharmacist is great about explaining what drugs don't mix well (that's my big concern!) with Adderall and she took time to tell me how each drug works in the brain in such a way that it painted a clear image for me and helped take away the stigma of "needing" a drug to "fix" what's "wrong" with me. Have you noticed yourselves that negative self talk is something you commonly do? It's amazing how easy it is to bring yourself down. I think learning about the condition has really helped in that sense as well. ADDX3 - Is the doctor who treats your children for ADD also your family doctor or is it a pediatrician? I think it's worth asking him/her for a recommendation on how to go about being evaluated. They know it's common to find it running in families, so you're already on the right track. I wonder if you've asked your kids if they have noticed you might be dealing with some of the same challenges they do! Having my therapist back me up with her ADD diagnosis helped fuel my background info for the doctor and she encouraged me to approach my doctor this way: "How familiar are you with ADD diagnosis and treatment in adults?" as well as asking him basically if he honestly believes ADD is a legitimate diagnosis for children or adults. My doctor was initially floored that I put it that way, but he understood that many family doctors can be dismissive of it. My therapist told me that if my doctor doesn't believe in the condition, he's not the one for me and I should move on til I find someone willing to fully participate in my treatment. Ugh, I've done it again. Me, me, me. I'm sorry! I get so doggone excited to find others to talk to about this that I don't want to stop. Thank you both for replying. I've never posted on a forum like this before and it felt really good to find others who can relate to being a grown woman with ADD. Parenting with ADD is challenging enough, so I have no idea how some moms juggle it all. I look back at how I managed my teaching life prior to becoming a mom and all I see is me surviving every day the best I could til time to go home! Now that kids took my brain over...FORGET IT! I'm a goner.

Quote

I can relate to all that has been said. and feel compelled to post a short note. I too have managed to continue my teaching career amist the doubts i often have. to me its not the most add friendly career, but I cant imagine doing anything else. Ironicallly i went on line tonite in search of someone who might understand the daily struggles of working, being a mom (or a single mom) with adhd kids, a house, maybe a pet or two, maybe a little depression once in a while and yet can laugh, smile, and not give up. sounds like i found more than one.

Quote

...we'd all benefit from a local support group for ADD women (though an online one is fantastic, we tend to be the types who respond well to true physical presence and faces we can read and people we can really see and get to know, I think!). I went online to search for one in my area (Columbia, SC is a well-populated area with a medical school, several universities and such) and there is nothing remotely close. Then it hit me: for us to have a support group, someone would have to organize it! And we'd have to have a set time for meetings. And come on time. And stay organized. And remember to be there. And to publish it for others to find us. And line up speakers, packets of info for members, membership drives, snacks and drinks.......I kept laughing because I realized there can't be much of a successful ADD support group if we're all too scattered to follow through. Besides, being overly chatty and dramatic is a keystone of our existence. Who on earth would keep us on track?! I guess we need to rely on a sympathetic non-ADD'er (perhaps an ADD spouse or coach) with a heart of gold and lots of patience to do all of that. Just wish I knew how to throw all my energy and enthusiasm into it! Sigh. Maybe later. I'm bored. Or hungry. I'll go start a craft or dust the living room. Wait, there are several shows on my DVR to watch. I should call Mom. Did I walk the dog yet? Shoot, did I feed her this morning?.............oops, the twins are awfully quiet in there, what's going on?.............

Quote

i was diagnosed about 3 weeks ago with ADD. i think i knew deep down inside since the students i relate to best and go the xtra mile to help are the add'ers. i just always understood them. it feels GREAT to hear u guys echo what has been happening to me in one way or another. i too have been looking for a support group (in miami,fl). I found a website www.meetup.com. it will find u any kind of group near you. you can even start one yourself. it feels GREAT to know that there are others that can relate. congrats to us all we have come a long way. i told my boyfriend yesterday about the diagnosis and i was all excited to explain how great my brain has been doing, how organized i have been trying to be. he couldnt handle it. he just couldnt understand. it,s better this way. it doesn't matter if the rest of our world understands, i feel great! thanks for all this. i had never joined a forum like this. so well worth it!!

Quote

I tried to explain my ADD to my dissertation advisor once. He said he didn't see ADD being a problem for me. Rather, I have problems with time management, getting started on tasks, and knowing when to abandon a useless line of inquiry. Sigh....

Quote

I have been aware of my diagnosis at a very early age and have 40 some years experience, so far! The advice from others/or reaction is "Oh I would of never known that" or " You don't ACT like you have it" Fallowed with the advice of "Well don't tell anybody,as you can't tell". I have tried to explain to my closest friends over my life, that they don't know how much time I spend on trying to mentally prepare conversations and situations before hand. I don't know if you have ever heard this one?"Oh I am sure I have a bit of that also", After I explain some of my type of behaviors.LOL..To this day people do not believe me and I am 3rd generation ADHD as I physically look TOGHETHER and can pull it off for awhile.

Quote

I also have been finding it hard to find support! I live in a very small town and no support here!!! So I decided to try to start my own little online blog... My husband only thinks I make things more complicated and does not understand I need his support! I figured if I would start trying to get organized together with other ADDers it might be fun and supportive for all! Would love any input @ http://adhddailyferret.ning.com! Heather

Quote

I tried explaining ADD to my former roommate and he accused me of using it as a crutch (I was having issues with my academics at the time). Needless to say, we are no longer on speaking terms.

My current roommate doesn't believe I have a problem and said to me "You can solve your own issues, you just have some hang ups". He doesn't understand what it's like to have ADD...and I've stopped trying to explain my situation to him.

Quote

Three months in and it's still all confusion. I'm grappling with the diagnosis, which includes relief - yes, after years of multiple diagnoses of depression and generalized anxiety disorder finally finding out what has been at the core of it all - but then again, also profound sadness that I wasn't diagnosed earlier. And the looking back (that does no good) wondering how life might have been if I had been diagnosed earlier is still weighing heavily on me.

I am 50 years old. 50! I could get mad at the medical profession for missing it, but I didn't see it (and now that I do, Iike most of you I imagine, I am astounded at how obvious it is: I am practically a walking, talking ADD cliche) and those who did notice my 'differences', I believe usually marked it down as the side-effects of my over-the-top, creative, expansive personality.

And for many years I had a very successful career (or series of careers) as a media personality - radio, television and print journalism - but always changing...moving... shifting...I read in one of the books that a surprising number of women with ADD/ADHD get involved in journalism because of the ever-changing shift of work and focus. I get it. It worked for me.

But of course, nobody really knew me; and whether I knew what I had or not, some instinct made me hide as much as I could of the obvious signs of it, of which I was so ashamed. (Messy, hopelessly disorganized... even when I have money I screw up because I can't open envelopes and my powers of procrastination are very powerful indeed... super smart, super bright, super mercurial... but the simplest of organizational and planning tasks were completely beyond me. Able to zone out in front of the computer for hours - focused to the point of zombiedom. But I can't get to an appointment on time to save my life.... and so on and so on and so on...)

I have almost always lived alone and even I never knew why (I've always had boyfriends and even a number of proposals) except that I do... I realize now I needed to be alone to be myself - my weird, spinning in circles, disorganized self... without judgment. Trouble is/was, I couldn't ignore my own judgment and the resulting loss in self-esteem it created.

But now in this tough economy, though I still have contacts and even fans, as a freelancer (or rather as an ADDer who freelances) I cannot sort out myself to get work. Right now I'm starting my own small niche media company with two much more organized partners - I bring the creative - and here's hoping things work out. And here's hoping that with my new diagnosis and research and learning - and medication - I can make professional go of it.

Sorry - this is probably not the right place to talk about all this stuff, but once I got going... well, you now how it is...

Anyway, all of this to say that I have been very hurt by the careless reactions of a few of the friends to my diagnosis. Just the other day, one of my closest friends, a journalist herself with access and experience of research and study just smiled and replied to my excited confession of enlightenment with: "Actually, I don't believe in ADD."

My friend - who I thought knowing me well would immediately see the truth of it... who I would have thought would respect my own journey to this conclusion, looked at me and spoke as though I was looking for excuses, or answers outside my own culpability, in order to explain the eccentric behaviour shes been watching for 15 years. Seriously? It broke my heart. And I wasn't unaware (from my research) that I might get this response from time to time. Funnily enough I have a friend with Epstein Barr who's spent decades being snubbed from everyone from friends to doctors and specialists in her 30 year journey with EBV ( not me!) who has given me years of a close-up look at those who don't 'get it'. But until a close friend looked at me and completely blew off the diagnosis that I struggled to achieve and that I fervently hope will make my life (in time) infinitely better, I didn't know how much it could hurt. Or how frustrated I'd feel, or how all the things I said next (recognition by medical bodies, stats, uncanny parallels, test results etc.) sounded like a desperate attempt to justify myself. She just nodded and smiled and said: "Well... maybe..."

Sorry for all this info - and I have so many more questions and comments, and help to ask and opinions to gather (on meds and such - still struggling with adderall XR and dexedrine IR) that I just want to end by saying that I just heard this remark the day before yesterday - and I am still feeling it and seeing her face. And I am going to have to blow THAT off - or I will spend the rest of my days not learning to cope with this thing, but with trying to manage people's reactions. And as a time-waster, I can tell you already know that would be right up there!

Quote

Uh, yeah, that's about as insulting as can be. Coming from a dear friend (or spouse or parent) it's multiple times more hurtful, I think. And it's hard to chalk stuff up to others' ignorance when we hear stuff like that. The more I try to educate others, the more I realize it must sound like "blah blah blah excuses excuses". The only thing I can suggest is giving someone a book, such as the ones by Dr. Hallowell. Learning disabilities and mental illnesses seem to be things that others feel are optional to believe in. Like religion or something. It takes courage to say, "Wow, that really hurt me when you said that. You just made me feel insignificant and invisible."

Quote

I don't tell everyone, but I have begun to reveal the diagnosis at work as I feel very accepted and safe there. Truthfully, folks react a LOT better to me when I'm on medication. (Or maybe I react better to them??? It's probably both.)

I've had a diagnosis now for many years (informally for about 20; formally for only about 5). But I've just now started to realize the impact it's had on my life. Maybe that's because I have finally gotten into a healthy work environment. (Public school systems are toxic!) I'm saddened by some of the things I am learning I've missed out on by my association with healthy people (as opposed to dysfunctional). But, until I took responsibility for my own issues, especially the ADHD, I wasn't able to learn better skills.

Quote

Would that same person "not believe in" diabetes or cancer? Dr Daniel Amen has several hundred PET scans showing clear functional brain differences in the ADD and non-ADD brain. (I just can't bring myself to say "normal" brain--what is that--really?) Might want to point out that Psychiatry is no longer just feelings without proof---brain scans "show" what people have been feeling all along. So now, just like diabetes and cancer, there are tests that can prove our diagnosis. Not that we should have to, nor that it is necessary, since the same criteria still give the same diagnosis, with or without the PET scan. I just like the fact that science back me up with something that I can hold up and show others and say "see...its real!"

Quote

I've sidestepped that "how people react" issue nicely, especially at work by simply choosing not to tell. My family knows and they've been great. Ditto for a couple of close trusted friends. But I have not told anyone in my writers group or neighbors. And the medical field from my experience is not a place to confess. The management there knows full well adhd is real but I've been on the hot seat off and on because of communication skills. The medicine helps a lot with the organization problems but not communication. I found out after testing and interviewing that I also have a touch of Aspergers. I didn't think you could get both but apparently I did. Again, my family has been great.

At work, they've been laying off people and finding reasons to discipline workers at large - it would be a disaster if they found out about my ADHD, Asperger's or any other conditions.

Quote

I'm sad to say the worst reaction I have received regarding my diagnosis was from my family - brother and sister especially (both are physicians!) and to a lesser extent my parents. My sister actually accused me of using my ADD diagnosis as an "excuse" and has said to me "well you're on medication why do you still have problems?" My response after trying patiently to explain ADD, symptoms, medication etc only to be met with blatant skepticism was - screw you - and I walked away. I was so discouraged in part because this is my sister, my family, not some stranger and for god's sake she is a physician and if someone in medicine can't/won't? understand will anyone?

Quote

I like hearing myself talk, but telling others of our disposition can bite.

Per Dale Carnegie people are more interested in themselves than anything else. Consequently, people want to be heard more than they want to listen. In addition, We use information for our benefit before we use it to help others and while all have good intentions, most don't get executed.

Listening is a rare art form that can be successfully honed to the listener's benefit. One trait of ADD is not capturing social cues or in other words, we're not very observant and don't listen well. When I'm on my game, through questions I purposely get people to talk about themselves from any perspective that get them going. When we get closer to my goal I physically and through specific brief questions I raise my level of attention to them so that the conversation reveals more for me. I also test expertise by asking questions with answers I know. This provides greater confidence in the information I get.

So do I tell people that I'm ADD? I tell those that can identify with me, those that have the ability to appreciate what they don't understand, those like me, those I can help, those that can help me and those I trust. The rest won't help and may hurt. And, that includes family.

Quote

The only people that seem to believe me are those who know me long term like over many months. I believe i have add. Most think you have to be running around jumping and yelling all the time.

Quote

Hi, I'm 56 and have always known I've had ADHD ...... when the disorder was named & described....it's me. That alone made me feel good that yes there is a reason! Diagnosis day, couple of years ago, was not unexpected but like you it was so releasing and encouraging that others would understand more. Some do/have & others are just like you have described. I have a sister who's 16 months older, great person, & she's the type that doesn't give much credence to acknowledging this type of thing unless it has to do with her or her immediate family. Even though she's a great person she is also very controlling, or tries to be in our relationship. God it's maddening. I started my life as far as I can remember as insecure, bedwetter, thumb sucker, couldn't stand being left at school or sleepovers (lots of late night pickups) & being SHY, SHY, SHY. The shyness impacted me so that my teacher suggested, to my parents, I repeat the first grade. LuckiIy that didn't happen as one of my BIG ACCOMPLISHMENTS (Self Worth) was graduating w/my class. Thank God that I wasn't a year behind as that would've been a huge downer for my self esteem......dumb enough feeling as is. When I got older that's when I did an almost 360 turnaround as far as meekness. I'm now not afraid to say what I think. We have a family owned print shop (27 years) and most of the vendors/suppliers know I can be really nice but watch out if there are any problems as I can be relentless until I get what I think is right. I'm so black & white in this area but then again it feels good to stand up for what we should. It kills me when I see someone being taken advantage of. It's good I'm not in law enforcement as the power (I know) thing would do me & others in. I am in customer service and customers think I am the nicest (I am then) person around. I've actually been asked a few times if I ever get mad (good actor) ... I can just see our employees rolling their eyes and I tell the customers that "oh, I can be a diff. person when I go through those doors & just ask my husband. I basically fit every symptom associated with the disorder....those who don't closely know me would be floored to see how down, insecure & sad I can be. I was blessed to be born into a basically stable, normal family so I can't blame that. Just recently I was recommended to see the new psychiatrist in our area for a medicine check. Very, Very, Very hopeful Dr. He told me that there's a good chance that the following; anxiety, bipolar, and some other diagnosis can actually be a direct part of ADD/ ADHD. I've only met with him 1 time so I will find out more about this next meeting & write it up. I do have a horrible memory so I'll also verify this info. I've always been one to keep trying to find how to be happy & believe in myself more & not to get down so easily due to a comment or any other little thing that prob. wasn't meant the way I took it anyway. I have been going to a group which is called DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and I would recommend it to anyone as it hits on learning how to control actions from A to Z which in turn really starts to give you the self esteem that you deserve. You have to work on yourself but it's just so exciting when you see results & you don't get upset/depressed/hurt etc. because you are using the skills you've learned. Neat program & I would check w/your local Mental Health Svs to see if it's offered in your area. Otherwise you can email me and I can see about information for around the country. Really, I wish I had learned these skills as a child & really even those that are not afflicted with ADD/ADHD can learn from it. I have to keep reminding myself about skills at different times but at least now I'm able to recognize change for the better. It's really exciting to experience a sense of stability & pride for yourself! Also, I'm able to see the loved ones & friends for who they are ...... there are those who do listen & try to understand why we might get excited to be diagnosed with this disorder & understand that it's pretty much a non-stop battle & that we do have to work harder with everyday, family etc. tasks and yes that it can be overwhelming & so tiring. Everyone needs encouragement & understanding. My mother had given me the best ADD/ADHD humorous card ...... she's deceased now but just knowing that she 'got it' gives me a warm feeling & laughter all the time. That card is hanging above my computer. Appropriate humor is a great healer 'in my book'. Well, I best move on as I'm behind, ha, no really.... but reading all of your stories & writing mine is so helpful. I think we ADD/ADDers are Wonderful & tough to say the least....It's hopeful for the young kids that there's is so much interest & research now......we all just have to try and keep that constant encouragement going for them. Thanks, and A Good Night to all.

Quote

I hate all the cliche responses, so I do not set out to disclose. In general, the symptoms say more than the label... anyway.... However, at some point, I blurt that fact out anyway...

http://askdreric-schoolpsychologist.blogspot.com/

Quote

I was diagnosed when I was 50 too. It was a WONDERFUL relief to know that I'm not bad, I have ADHD. One person made a comment about "suffering" with ADD, and I felt, "Oh no! I ENJOY it!!!"

I had wonderful, supportive and educational experiences with the early CompuServe ADD forum, and met many of the now Greats in the field. At that time, Amen and Neurobiofeedback were at the early stages.

Frankly, I cannot imagine NOT having ADD as it embraces some of my finer, most creative parts. OTOH, I would like to be neater and on-task more. I would like to take my hyper-focus and apply it at-will.

I have lived in a world of Linear Thinkers and Farmers (Thom Hartmann's book on Hunters not Farmers and ADD) and so I have been able to incorporate some of their behavior and strategies in my life. I have developed coping mechanisms and have worked and succeeded, although I imagine it would have been easier to fit into the farmers' world if I didn't have ADD or had some magic change.

I have found that if I tell people (I have, at times, been inclined to disclose or tell, just as an impulsive self-description, hoping people would understand that I'm a clutterer or whatever. Frankly, probably as an excuse that I wanted people to measure me less strictly) many are quite judgmental or negative. There is a put down from them.

I have been reprimanded by co-workers' saying "I guess your ADD is in control." And some people seem to think ADD is like a psychosis or some catchable disease.

So, instead of excusing me, people condemn me for ADD. I have learned to keep my mouth shut (difficult for me <g>), use my coping mechanisms, and pretend I don't have ADD. Using it as an excuse just doesn't make it in the grown-up world or the professional world.

Quote