You are not alone. ADHD is as hard on the parents as it is on the kids. I'd like to meet the parent who thinks they are great at parenting ADHD children. You have come to the right place to connect with other frustrated ADHD parents.

You might appreciate Kay Marner's blog about parenting her ADHD daughter.

Here are some other articles that might help you keep your sanity and remind you that you aren't a bad parent:

8 Tips for Parents of ADHD Children

ADHD Parenting Skills

I hope this helps. Dena

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I understand your frustration. We were at the same point when we decided to take a Love and Logic class. It helped us tremendously. There is also a book/book on tape from Jim Fay on Love and Logic for kids with ADHD. Both of these resources help us to work through frustrating situations calmly and help our daughter understand that she is responsible for her behavior and the consequences of her choices. The other thing that has helped us was to implement a token system for behavior. I use a jar for each child and inexpensive plastic poker chips. When I notice good behavior ( even the smallest thing) I let them know that they have just earned another chip. Focusing on the good behavior has helped to reinforce what we would like to see but it also gives us something to use for a consequence (we take chips away for bad behavior). When I started the token program I made up a reward sheet explaining how they could turn in chips for a reward (simple inexpensive things like and extra story at bed time, picking what the family would have for dinner, a movie night, etc. and since then we have let them trade chips for cash5 chips for a $1 which is basically their allowance). I am a little surprised that the program has lasted as long as it has, but both girls (one with and one without ADHD) respond to it.

I hope these suggestions help. For me, the Love and Logic class/books have helped the most. Primarily because it has helped bring my daily frustration level down. The daily fight was exhausting and having a system/plan to work through challenging behaviors and situations was empowering!

Best of luck!!

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My son is also 10 and we are going thru the exact situation. I too have several Love and Logic tapes and they are worth every penny. They have helped him with remembering chores. We recently had a situation where my son was one of several kids who were cutting their arms (he tends to be a follower). The school counselor and his teacher both felt it was just something he got caught up in, but it was a wake up call to me. I am a yeller out of sheer frustration and I am not proud of it. My son mostly gets negative attention and I think the cutting was a result of it. We decided we could no longer just rely on books, tapes and internet suggestions and we decided this was bigger than us inspite of our best intentions. We needed to get professional help, behavior modification for us as well as for him. We have an appointment tomorrow and I can hardly wait. Once I decided that i needed help and made the appointment, it really was a huge feeling of relief. I feel like maybe someone could possibly begin to lead me out of this forest I feel lost in. Please don't beat yourself up, just resolve to do something about it. I totally get how hard it is, just keep plugging. We're all in this together!

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I have been so down on mysefl lately b/c I have become such a 'yeller'! I feel horrible every time I do it and tell myself I'm never going to do it again, go home that night and lose it and do it all over. I was never a yeller until this past year and now I want out bad. I feel like I have a hard time letting myself believe that he can't control himself, I feel like he does everything on purpose although I know better than that. I just made an appointment for my 5 yr old with ADHD with a counselor to try to find better ways for him to deal with his frustrations but also to talk to them about my issue with yelling as well. I can't wait to go, so excited to learn some new coping techiniques but unfortunately we have to wait 2 more weeks for our appointment.

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Hi. I also have a 10 year old poster child for ADHD. I have attended Heather Forbes' Beyond Consequences, Love, Logic and Control and love it. Alot of her techniques have worked wonders. She has "mom conferences" so that we can go through the junk in our trunk...she taught us how to find our "little girl"...helps us get to what we are so afraid of when dealing with our children...there is something in your past that your child brings out that frustrates you so badly - most likely it is not your son at all - he may spark a memory...make you remember something you experienced, or just reminds you of yourself or something you have been through...what he is doing most likely does not warrant the screaming..but what you have experienced that he is reminding you of does. Does any of that make sense?

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Been there, done that, still do but much less. It really takes so much effort to hold your tongue. My son is now 17 and I have finally gotten pretty good at it. I think the main reason I have been able to tame the screaming is I started seeing the reaction from my son was different when I remained calm. All the screaming I used to do just got him more infuriated and worked up until there was total meltdown. Now, the more he screams, the calmer I stay...lowering my voice, short sentences, even walking away for a few minutes (and yes, sometimes he follows) but I have seen that he tends to de-escalate when I stay calm. Someday, I may need a surgeon to sew my tongue back on but for now it works, most of the time. If I want him to not lose control when he is frustrated I have to demonstrate that, right? I am listening to an audio book called "Scream Free Parenting" that really reinforces these ideas. And no one is perfect, I still lose it on occasion but even my husband noticed the difference. (Now if I could just get him to stop screaming when he's frustrated with him our house might be a better place :)

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I have ADD/ADHD which really doesn't help matters when it comes to my daughter. Ellie is 9 and is ADD/ADHD and just was diagnosed with Anxiety. We TOTALLY butt heads about everything. The worst is when she tells me I ALWAYS am yelling at her and make her feel bad. And worse yet, I really do yell alot at her because I get sooooo frustrated with her. She is very smart and yet I swear she acts like a 5 year old at times. Her doctor told me that it is not uncommon for children with ADD/ADHD to be about 2 years behind socially and behavorially. At 41, 2 years isn't much at 9 it can be a recipe for disaster. I recently started Yoga with her at home and she seems to really enjoy it. I just keep trying to be better and one day I may surprise myself and my daughter!

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My husband and I have three adopted kids. Son, 12 and daughter, 14 siblings and daughter 15. All have a host of lablels. Our son with the most. He is the poster boy for ADHD. We too have many tapes and books 58 at last count. Love and Logic, Beyond Consequences even a trip to Washington DC to Dr. Ronald Federici for a consultation semniar. We had an in home behavoiralist to help teach us techniques. Therapist for one on one and with all of us as well. At 12, our son has been in the mental health hospital as well. We are so done. We so desperately want to turn our son back to the state foster system. He can rage for hours on end. But we won't. We love him. But, we are so tired. No, not tired exhausted. He has been branching out now and stealing from neighbors home as well as ours. He hyper focuses on one thing as it consumes his every thought. Yelling and screaming is at an all time high. We try desperately to calm ourselfs. Even seperate ourselfs but our son will keep coming at us for hours at a time. Yes, he is on medication. We have tired many. Anyone else living on the edge like us? Is there any light at the end of the tunnel? Better yet, is there an end to the tunnel?

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...I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of that. I can't imagine. When you think you have it bad, someone always has it worse. I don't know about the light at the end of the tunnel, i wonder that myself too. I can tell by your post that you've tried everything, i just wonder if his meds are wrong, if he's screaming for hours on end....

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It feels good to know there are others out there that know what it means to parent an ADHD kid. Thank you for your thoughts. We wonder what it must be like to walk in our son's shoes. It makes no sense to us. It makes no sense to him either. He, most times does'nt even know there is a problem. It is the rest of the world with the problem he says. We are doing neurological testing next, it has taken up to 6 months to get an appointment. We also are seeing a new Psychiatrist. We know we will find a workable way. Maybe not a solution but doable for him to live in this world. Stay in there. I found that web sites for teachers who have ADHD students tips are helping in some small way. I am exploring that direction now. Thanks again and believe me I know what you are going through. Just don't beat up on yourself. We are human and I know the guilt of yelling with the words that can come out of our mouths. Forgive yourself and him, say your sorry then get on your knees.

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To the Mom above who started this thread, I can so sympathise with you. I have a nine year old son who was diagnosed late in the second semester of his second grade year as ADHD. It was a long and agonizing year to get to that diagnosis. Every week brought new communications from the teacher that he was simply out of control. Every night we faced a homework meltdown of greater magnitude than the last with crying jags, and temper tantrums, throwing papers across the table, breaking pencils. Dinner hour was just as difficult. All the while I watched all of this unfold with just this feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach that something was really wrong. The turning point for me came during a typical evening's homework crisis. I was tired form work, trying to make dinner, help my pre-schooler with her homework, and frankly just enraged by my son's outright defiance, again. I lost my temper, and let go with a tirade. The look on my face must have been horrible. I watched my son begin crying deep, terrible sobs and he said, Mom, I hate myself. I'm always in trouble everywhere I go . In that instant, my heart just broke for him and I saw it completley from his perspective. Even though I prided myself on my patience and being a good mom, my husband and I had both, in sheer frustration, taken a path toward berserker parenting. I made the decision that evening to call our ped, to get us in counseling, and to find some way to help him. It really became crystal clear to me at that point that his behavior was beyond his control. From there, we did our assessments at home and at school, got our diagnosis, and began medication, but we still struggled. My son was able to shine in school they way I always knew he could, and I watched his confidence blossom. But but melt downs at home were now rebound-intensified. I tried to keep my calm and help him through, but most every evening I would call my husband at work after the kids were in bed in tears. Some nights I just had to step outside on the porch and get away for a few minutes. Then our therapist recommended the book Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach. I was skeptical that any mere book could fix what was going on in our house. I was worried, I was ashamed. But we tried it. From the start it appealed to me because my son loves his Nintendo DS and the authors use a video game analogy to explain their theory of de-emphasizing negative behaviours while piling on the praise for any little positives you see. (If you blow it in a video game, there's no lecture. Just, game over, restart. That's the concept. A small verbal correction for misteps with no verbal fireworks to follow it, while at the same time, tremendous emphasis on what your child does right.) It might seem counterintuitive at first to praise a child with behavior issues, but if you remember that little guy who was in distress about being in trouble everywhere, there's a kid in there who is dying for praise and getting very little of it. This system worked wonders for us. We were able to in a matter of months see very dramatic improvements and I learned wonderful skills for de-escalating intense situations.

We are still an ADHD family, and we still struggle, but I'm so glad I have this book in my toolbox. Go to Amazon and check out the parent reviews and read a little bit from the book. If you don't want to purchase it, get it from the library. I know not everything works for everybody, but this helped us a great deal.

Good luck and God bless.

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My son is now 17 but at age 12-13 he really escalated and the rages went on for hours in the evenings like you describe. He was diagnosed ADHD but after hours of testing also diagnosed Bipolar and Oppositional defiance disorder. Anyway, long story short he was hospitalized 3 times and then put into residential treatment twice (4mos and then again 6 mos). He just turned 17 and is home now. He is much better, still can have an attitude but doesn't rage. The residential atmosphere is so structered and every privelege they have is earned on behavior. No matter how tight you run your home it will never be as structered of an environment as a residential center. They finally learn to control some of the emotion. My son still has his moments but so far we can manage them. Like I said early, the more he screams the softer and calmer I try to talk and he will de-escalate rather than going into complete meltdown like he did before. I feel for you because we were right there where you are. We aren't out of the tunnel yet but at least we are in a livable situation. No one wants to send their child away but sometimes we just aren't equipped to deal with them. Sounds like you are on the right track as far as getting him evaluated. You need to know what you are dealing with first. Maybe it is only ADHD but maybe something more. My son only had the ADHD diagnosis for 6 years before we had him re-evaluated and found out about the other things. So we finally got him on mood stabilizers. Also, just beware adolescence is such a high growth time its hard to keep meds appropriate. Good luck! And just to clarify, I don't advocating sending a child to residential treatment just because but in our situation our family was ready to implode and to save both our (my hubby and me) and my son's sanity the separation was what was needed. I felt like a huge failure at the time but I realize that I'm not a failure if I am doing what is best for my son. The skills he learned will be with him a lifetime and we can actually have calm evenings again.

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i am new to the blog, i love this magazine and have read this for years, i just happenend to see this blog and felt moved to respond, i am not new to adhd. my son is 10 and has had adhd since he was 4. i read this and so can relate to you. We still have struggles and sometimes i cannot stop yelling when i know that is the worst thing to do because it just feeds it more. I know he cannot control what he does, and the noises and strange behavior he does is not deliberate but it can set you over the edge! I love my son and continue to do all i can to help him and moms of these wonderfully gifted, sweet, intelligent children have to support each other. There are lots of things you can do if you are new to this diagnosis, diet is huge and so are supplements. Parenting classes , Organization and structure are key! Not putting your child in a position where he is sure to fail, if he can't sit still and has to be noisy , do not put him in an enviroment that requires quiet and calmness. Lots of physical exercise to stimulate the brain. When my son cannot focus or sit still or be calm to do anything, i send him out to run a few laps, jump rope, swing or whatever, it really does calm him down and gets some blood flowing so his neurotransmitters can start working. Just know you are not alone, read all you can , research all you can and find a local CHADD group of moms, it does help. we are all great moms, we just need someone to tell us since this can be extremely challenging and is beyond our control!

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I feel for you! I also had that problem - my son is 12 now and was diagnosed at 6. Several years ago I just wasn't coping with anything, my home felt like a battlefield and instead of talking I found myself yelling and shouting at every thing. I resented my son and the effect his ADHD had on my daughter, my husband and our family life in general. Life was pretty miserable. Then one day I got a visit from the Children and Young persons dept. (I live in NZ) They had received a call from a concerned neighbor (alarmed by all the shouting and banging - my son throws things and bangs around when in time-out) and were under the impression I was abusing my child! It was one of the most horrifying and humiliating experiences I've ever had, being questioned by them, but it was the wake-up call I needed. Luckily nothing came of the visit as I explained about his ADHD, but it made me realise that I never actually talked to my son anymore. Here I was thinking my life was hard, but imagine his! His home, the one place he should feel safe and loved, was a nightmare. He was always in trouble, always getting yelled at and always in his room. After that horrible experience, I read everything I could get my hands on regarding ADHD and made a change in the way I reacted. It was hard at first and sometimes it still is - but all I have to do when my son is throwing a wobbly is remember that he's mine and that I love him, and the ADHD isn't his fault. Instead of yelling, I speak quietly so he has to stop shouting to hear me. I dont let him run off anymore when he's angry, I give him a hug instead and ask him to explain the problem so that I can help. I ask him what he wants me to do so he feels he has some control over the situation. I let him have time-out when he needs it and it's not a punishment - he's free to come out whenever he feels ready. I go for walks with him (that way he can chatter all he wants while using a bit of energy) and I walk on my own to de-stress. It's not perfect by any means, and on occasion I do still yell - but as soon as I hear myself shouting now, I realise that I'm the one who is stressed and not coping and it's not his fault. Hope this helps a little.

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until I got on ADHD meds, I couldn't stop yelling either, and I WANTED TO SOOOOOO BAD TOO. Good luck!

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