I hear you and hope to find advice here, too. I broke my engagement to my ADHD partner after a year of living with him; we were together a total of three years. He's the most wonderful guy -- a Christian, the life of the party, the color in the rainbow, sweet, kind, honest, devoted -- he's never met a stranger and everyone loves him. I, too, love with him and would have followed him to the ends of the earth. But after living with him, I began to feel shaken, confused and frustrated beyond words with his behavior. I'd heard of ADHD, but had never experienced it first hand with a child/in a relationship. One day he'd lecture me about saving money; the next day he'd spend large amounts on frivilous stuff. Many days, when he'd come home from work (owns his own business -- works ridiculously long hours) he'd talk a blue streak for hours, never acknowledging my presence. When he finally did see me, he didn't listen to anything I'd said -- would answer me on a completely different topic. Every weekend, we'd have to do what he wanted to do -- mostly the same things over and over again, so he could relax and unwind before starting another work week. When I tryied to talk to him about my concerns/feelings, he'd shut down and back away from me, saying I got too upset about little things which he couldn't handle. That led us to couples counseling -- the counselor suspected his ADHD right away and recommended I read "Driven to Distraction". What an awakening! So many people in his life (daughter (ADHD on medication), best friend, office manager, counselor, me) have tried to talk to him about this -- but he's in denial. I've been seeing the counselor by myself for over a year now and will continue to do so. She and all close him tell me that nothing will ever change and I was wise to stop this now before marrying him. The problem is that I really love this guy -- he's a wonderful man and I miss him terribly when we're apart. So, we're "dating" now, proceeding slowly. I don't want to give up yet, but I do know that we will have to deal with this issue before there's a chance moving our relationship forward. Do you talk to your parnter about his ADHD? If so, what do you say and how does he respond. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

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Ladies, I've been married to ADHD for 6 years now, and am parenting a 4-year-old with it. And no matter what, it's hard. The brunt of the household is on the non-ADD spouse: the finances, the appointments, the scheduling, getting everyone out of bed, etc. In essence, you end up parenting an extra child. But it's tricky to walk the line between helping your spouse manage his symptoms, and mothering him. My husband recently, at my urging, went back and was reevaluated. His childhood ADD was misdiagnosed, and he's on the first of what I'm sure will be many meds, trying to find the right one for him. Doing all this, while trying to manage my sons' disorder, and make sure my daughter doesn't get lost in the shuffle, is hard, to say the least. Most of my needs go out the window. But I'm in this for the long haul; the only way this marriage is ending is with my husband in the ground, and I told him he gets to choose how and when! :-D What I've learned so far: #1 - turn off your anger. That's right, just get rid of it. Channel it into a hobby if you need to keep it. There are so many things your spouse is going to do or forget that will make you mad; BUT HE CAN'T HELP IT, no matter what else it seems like. That's been hard for me to learn, and I'm still learning it. #2 - Communicate VERY CLEARLY. Don't leave hints, don't be subtle. Be very direct and explicit about what you want, need, and expect. There's absolutely no way that a "normal" man can read your mind, and an ADHD man will not even try, it's too hard. Give gentle reminders when necessary, but TRY not to nag (I know it's hard!). #3 - Create easy-to-read schedules for common things and post them clearly in common areas. Does your husband forget to brush his teeth or shower unless you remind him? Make up a Morning Routine and post it on the bedroom door. Are mornings a hassle getting all of you out of the house? Make up a Morning Routine with a schedule like Eat Breakfast, Pack Lunches, Brush Teeth, Grab Backpacks, etc. and post it near the door you leave from. #4 - Invest in yourself. Your spouse is likely to not be a romantic; likely hyper-focuses on something other than you. Do you get depressed sitting around the house waiting for him to notice you? Join a gym, or find a hobby class, and go 1 or 2 evenings a week. This gets you out of the house; allows you to think about something else for a while; allows you to make some other friends; curbs your resentment over the time he's not spending with you; and has the added benefit of giving you another skill or hobby, which makes you a more well-rounded person. #5 - And this is important: Schedule couple time. I know it's not spontaneous, and not as romantic as a movie plot, but if you want couple time at all it needs to be planned out. Plan to get out of the house and do something together, or sit at home and watch a favorite movie cuddled up. Take a cooking class together, or go roller skating. But schedule it, and do it. Loving and living with an ADHD spouse are two very different things. I've got the first one down. But maybe with those tips I listed above, we can all get better at living with them. Good luck! You can email me at blogs4change@gmail.com if you need more help! I could probably use it, too!

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He and I were together 3.5 years, and living together for 3 of those years. When I started to get frustrated with his behaviors, was the first time we discussed ADD. But that was it, it was like...this is what I have, I'm not going to change. I felt like I was doing EVERYTHING to maintain a household. I would ask him to do things, he said he would - then wouldn't. I took his ADD as an excuse to not be a fullfilling partner. I didn't know anything about ADD, and have read a lot more about it since we split. We are trying to rebuild, but I still have so much I need to learn and understand.

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One thing I've learned, and had to say thousands of times until my husband believed it, is that we HAVE to talk about it! He has to tell me that he needs help transitioning from one thing to another. He has to tell me when he feels overwhelmed, or out of focus, or out of control. He has to tell me when I've talked so much about something that he starts wandering. And I WILL listen, I want this marriage to work, and that requires both of us to work on it. Open, loving, compassionate dialog from BOTH of you is key. What you need, what he needs, etc. But I'm going to warn you now, it is a lot of work. I honestly look at my "boys" as special-needs. Not in the way that most special-needs people are, but in the fact that they require such specialized management. ADD/ADHD people thrive on order, structure, predictability. Talk to your SO, let him know you're there for him and listening, and that you have to work together to manage his symptoms and have a life together. Be sincere, and he'll hear that. Hopefully, he'll work with you like my husband works with me!

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This is, by far, the best, clearest advice I've read or heard about loving/living with an ADHD parnter. I appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences on what helps/works to keep the day moving along. I also appreciate your tips on staying fulfilled by pursuing personal interests. I can see where this could help alleviate resentments and frustrations. I agree that communication is key. That you and your husband are clear on challenges and expections is huge. I am so willing to work with my SO, but I don't know if I'll ever get the chance because he's in denial. I would never make unreasonable demands on him, but need him to understand the reality of what we're facing. I'm praying for patience and guidance. Thanks for being there!

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I know first hand what it is like to be in a relationship with an ADHD spouse , how ever I myself am ADD so there for , there is even more challanges , we have our good days and then we have our rough days - truth of the matter is communication is the key , there isn't anything wrong with helping your ADHD spouse but don't baby them , if your ADHD spouse needs to lay his stuff out for work the night before then do what ever he needs , if that means leaving him a small check list with the items he needs , remind him to keep all his recepts from that day so he can balance his check book , finally make sure he has a morning routine , even if it's getting up a couple hours early , eating breakfast, showering and you two spending some time together , before he has to go to work . I know my hubby does better when he has some sort of a routine .

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Gabby - Is your SO taking medication or up for the idea of medication? I've been married to the most amazing man in the world for 14 years now. Due to a very hard event in our lives and a wonderful neighbor who has an ADD husband my husband went into be checked for ADD about a year ago.

I believe I was blessed with a special kind of patience to put up with him for so long. He always would forget any special day for me, had no hand in helping with practically anything, was addicted to the internet, couldn't even plan a date on request it had to be spontaneous and was ridiculous to clean up after. He had such a hard time interacting with the kids. He tried very hard to not be this way which I think made things worse. He became so frustrated and depressed. He hated who he was and the last couple of years said it often. It really is like having a fourth child for me. Oh and the incessant talking about whatever subject was on his mind. Right before his meds were upped he was under a lot of stress. Instead of keeping it in he talked to me about it. Literally day and night. I was about to go insane. The sad part is, that is what he has dealt with every day of his life. I at least got a few moments of peace from it, but it never stops for him. What a wake up to what he's been dealing with all these years.

After he started taking Concerta and I started learning about ADD I understood almost every pet peeve I had with my husband was due to ADD. It has been an amazing experience for us both. There was so much blame put on me for things and he started to realize how much of the problem he caused. It's been theraputic for both of us. Does he still have ADD tendancies? Oh heck yeah! But it has been calmed a lot by the medication and I understand a lot more. He's more relaxed because his mind isn't racing all the time. We had a birthday party this summer for one of our children and it really hit home how much the medication has helped. He was very involved in the party and even came up with spontaneous games for the kids to play. It about made me cry. I'm really not in this alone now. He's now more attentive to me and my needs too. It's been nothing short of a miracle. All those times he was called lazy are slowly shedding off of him. His confidence is building up. His sleep is so much better now. The awesome part is, he's still my husband, just better. His personality didn't change just his ability to focus and all that goes with it.

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My husband started taking adderal and I noticed that his fuse became very very short. Luckily a lot of his adhd characteristics aren't very pronounced, but it makes it really easy to forget that he has this issue. I on the other hand, struggle with depression and have some control issues. So you can imagine the kind of conflict this can create!

Because he doesn't have health insurance (and it would got over $500 a month to add him to mine) we haven't tried a new medication. He's seen many doctors in his youth and I had a hard time talking him into going back to one before. Are there other meds out there that don't have the side effect? They had downed his dosage to practically nothing. This is so frustrating, to not have options as the uninsured.

I think people are to quick to leave marriages and I resented the counselor that told us before we got married that my husband was the way he was and he wasn't ever going to change. He's made leaps and bounds progress just since we met, and I think it's due to having structure and someone believing in him.

I also find if I'm happy and doing my own thing, he's happy and we're getting along. Sadly I find myself feeling neglected a lot because he hyperfocuses on music and has several bands at a time. Being a musician too it can feel awfully lonely to not have that wild artist streak.

We've been fighting a lot lately because he got laid off from work and he has a really hard time focusing his day. We tried to make lists for him to do things but he doesn't stick to them. I get irritated because I have barely any disposable income nad we're still covering his cigarettes and weed (which he uses to self medicate). We're doing ok, but the stress of being broke all the time at home, and having my business-place also broke with barely any sign of recovery is getting to me. He told me last night that I don't love him because I'm constantly annoyed or upset with him or mad about something. I am hyper critical and I have done this to people in other relationships, but I've never actually questioned whether or not he is a good and wonderful person, I know he is. But I definitely feel like a parent often.

We're in a bad trap now and we keep having the same fights. I am trying to find a counselor again, but I don't want one that will tell us that he can't change and I should just deal. I know he can't change, but I want to hear what tools we can use, practical suggestions specific to us, to deal with these issues.

thanks for letting me vent.

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Looking for insite and info. I too lived with a man for 3 years which I believe as ADHD. He is very active and always on the go. Always looking for the next project or thing to do. Sometimes having several on the go. He seems to be totaly lost if he has nothing to do. When we met I thought I had found heaven. I finally had a man who paid attention and helped out with everything. Eventually I started seeing other things or feeling belittled. He is a perfectionist as well. I started to feel that what i said didn't count even if he did manage to hear what I had said. He believed the clothes should be folded a certain way, make sure the water was hot enough to wash the dishes. And god forbid they be left in the zink to long. He would often get up from the table and start doing them right away. Now I know this seems like it is great. But I started to feel that if I didn't react quick enough to get things done he would think I was lazy or not pulling my weight. I made sure that I cleaned extra careful, afraid he would notice something and go behind me. I folded the clothes his way. One time i wanted to add a little of my touch to the flowers he had planted in the flower bed. I had really liked the flowers I had got and was sort of proud of myself for doing it. Well, he removed one later on because it was to tall. The others should be cut back, they were too big round. I felt what I had liked was not good enough.

A lot of time he tends to speak before he thinks how others will receive it and how it will hurt them. My daughter was 12 when we met. I wanted so much for them to get along. It didn't work out that way. He has made a few comments about weight etc. See he is slim and couldn't put a pound on if he tryed. I too felt over weight, as his family is all slim. My daughter didnt want to come and stay with me at the house if he was there. This has been a big thing in my decision to leave. My daughter is now 15 and is very important in my life. I don't want her to become distant from me because of a relationship.

He just seems to think he knows best and the right way. Is this something that is known in ADHD? He didn't think that I should drop my 14 year old daughter off at a hockey rink to watch hockey with her friends. He also did't think that her and her cousin should not be up unitl 4:00 am. This was on a weekend. I had went to bed at 12 and apparently at 2 he asked them to go to bed. I only stirred around 4 and they were still up. He said to me they are still up and told them to go to bed, but before I could finish he spoke up to them, I gave him a little nudge with my foot because I didn't want him to hurt the relationship between him and here any further. He told me to not kick him and called me a bad mother.

I guess I'm feeling so guilty for leaving him, he was good to me after all. Except how his actions made me feel. I was starting to feel I had nothing to contribute to the realtionship, unlike a lot of you who felt you had to do everything. I did have to try figure paper work and bills out for him, which I didn't want to have all that responsiblity. Appartently before me his sisters helped out there.

I am scared i may have given something good up. But a tryed to talk sometimes if I could get a word in, then i don't know if he heard me. Do they talk alot? He was away working and there was a three hour time difference and he would be calling at midnight to talk and i would be ready for bed and a lot of times i would be listening to him walking around the store telling me what was in it. I should have stoken up but figured he would think i didn't want to talk to him. I guess things built up and I feel away. Can ADHD be a bit controlling?

I'm confused and sorry...

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Dear All,

After reading all of the posts above I wanted to laugh and cry all at once. I sympathize with all of you and grateful for all your open and honest stories on coping with a partner with ADD, ADHD. My wife is amazing and very committed to our marriage. This year we both nearly ended our marriage through some actions that caused a huge rift between us. 10 and a 1/2 years on a roller coaster which nearly derailed both of us. We are both committed Christians and found the Alpha marriage course very helpful to get us back on track and some very honest soul searching by myself and wanting my marriage to succeed. I was diagnosed with Adult ADHD 2 years ago and that was a huge relief for both of us. However that brought more challenges and denials from me. To this day I have refused medication and opted for exercise and using positive reinforcement (self talk) as a way of combating my ADHD. I think partly I am scared of taking meds and also I don't want the label of "He only copes when he has taken his meds!" Also I can be a scrooge when it comes to paying for things like medication which sounds selfish and I still don't understand myself but I would be happy to give away money to help others. Aye curumba! I see that many of you have had to look after your husband or partner with things like routines and finances. Fortunately that hasn't been a big issue in our marriage as I am a doer vs thinker. I get a kick out of making lists ie Doing chores or running errands and then crossing them off and telling my wife at the end of the day what I have accomplished! I have learnt that it is better that I do things when she isn't here as I tend to start 6 different jobs all at once and chop and change throughout the day. However when i have been down or depressed I have fallen out of routine and struggled to be motivated at all, double edge Sword! The problem we have faced in our marriage you guessed it, me thinking I know what is right and flitting here and flitting there with new ideas and new things to do looking for the next, quick fix on experiences! This has taken its toll on my wife not getting as much opportunity to spend money on herself because she is a saver. I can save but tend to spend on bigger ticket items like $300 sports shoes to do Marathon running etc justifying that I need them for running up to 1200km in training! SOLUTION: I went to the bank and found out I could open several bank accounts and I have opened up His and Hers savings accounts. So when the money comes in now I give the same amount that I would give to myself to her account so that she feels she can spend on things for herself. We have also made other accounts like Big ticket items (new Couch etc), holiday account, Baby account (for when we have children). My wife wishes that we had done this many years before. As it has been said most ADHD people like structure. So when the money comes in now I can play with it by putting it into different accounts and that way I don't think oh, there is lots of money in the main account I'll buy that!

Hope some of these things help. I have recently told myself that it is good to research more about ADHD and not to think that I know it all. This has taken 11 years for me to come to this place so be patient with your partners if they don't change over night with their actions and denials. Yes I agree it is very hard work for both partners with or without ADHD, ADD but through unconditional love and a committed spirit you can both achieve a wonderful relationship!

I look forward to learning more about and reading your real life struggles and successes. All the best Grant (New Zealander with ADHD)

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It was suggested at one of my maritial therapy sessions, that i might be add. It took me to read a little about the disorganization and take a hard look at my work vechicle, compared to other carpenters i knew... why mine was always a train wreck, and why was I the one always running out the hardware store because i forgot this hand tool or another, underestimated the time the job would take or raw material costs... I spent a lifetime getting fired from jobs.

It was getting fired the day that I came back from Paternity leave after the birth of my son, that my wife would not forgive. Again she needed to take the reins and be the only one in the pilot house running the ship. I could handle the finances but my disorganized way to her, was the only way that worked for me to make sure everything got paid on time, so she took that over. it was not all at once, but gradual, often done lovingly at the time, but cause for resentment after the fact.

Its no suprise that the author of DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION, also has a companion book, for spouses and SO of ADD folk, title fails me, but is all about dealing with anger. dealing with feelings, like my wife had, doing it all. She complain about having a untrustworthy (never does what he says he will), lazy ( never seems to get anything done on that to-d0o list), or incompetent ( hes always late, from soccer practice to doctors appointment, and always has an excuse) husband, and that it was like having a child..

Help for my marriage was a little to little, a little too late. Live and learn and move on. once you get past the anger you need to communicate, and offer us chances to succeed. I can handle my finances just fine now.. i just had to automate it. I can finish to-do lists, but only give me 3 tasks at a time. I am still late, but not as late as i have been (lol).

Lose the anger. focus that energy on positive things.. help your partner figure out a way that works for them to help you, even if you would never do it that way, because if they can make it work for them, its one less thing you will feel you need to do for them, and that will make a large difference in a small amount of time.

good luck.

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I have trouble reading long paragraphs, so often break mine up, and have to reread others..

I resisted meds for a long time. Someone explained it as eyeglasses for the brain. If you have trouble seeing clearly, you would not hesitate to go to the eye doctor. here is just your brain needing to focus a little better..

if you don't take the meds, but if you drink a lot of coffee or soda, or chocolate bars, red bulls, and the like, you are probabaly self medicating anyway. caffiene and sugar are verboten on an ADHD diet.

I see an ADD coach.. we discuss non-prescription methods. They include sleep regularly, multi-vitimins, in case you are apt to be forget to eat nutrious meals, and go for the junk on the run, and fish oil, as the omega 3's are supposed to help brain function.

Another example is excercise. I have been told that the brain if you lacked a particular sense, of sight or smell, still reacts to stressful stimulus the same way. Exercise, elevated heart rate type, helps focus and burn off any excess energies you might have. If you've had a rigorous workout, your whole body tends to go to a more peaceful state after the fact. I think this might be more prevelent in hyperactivity, but we all have a tinge of aniexty, i believe.

good luck

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