I haven't read so much about medication and children, but for me, now 37 years old - I WISH I had been given medication. I remember how frustrating school was for me. Some of my teachers would humiliate me. Others would just put up with me. They didn't figure out how smart I was for a very long time. But it got worse once they did because then I had to work ten times as hard as everyone else to get by. My parents thought I was just being lazy, so they would ride me when I got exasperated from all the work. I had a mental breakdown at 14. I became an insomniac so I could study into the night.

That being said, I now have 3 degrees, all highest honors, Phi Beta Kappa - from top schools. But I was exhausted when it was over. I have had to fight tooth and nail for everything I've gotten. Most of the time with people shaking their heads like I was aiming to high. I've grown to the point where I resent anything I have to work for because the process almost makes me physically ill. I have never balanced a checkbook in my life. I am spacey, I forget bills, my credit is screwed up.... Life's little details are not little to me.

If you admit to the spaciness as batty, in a lighter manner, people just think you are slow. If you react with little emotion (so people don't assume you are dumb), people think you are being aloof. I have even had people meet me, think I'm kind of "harmless," then when they learn how smart I am and what I am capable of - they think I'm sneaky. It gives me anxiety. It has caused me to lose jobs. Friends. You name it.

I'm not telling you all this to vent (well a little), but to show you have far this goes. You are right to be thinking more deeply about this issue. It is highly likely that it will never go away - and just get worse and worse if left unattended. They will still need your help as an adult. I have made my home in places thousands of miles from my home town. I hate going back and being the black sheep. The stigma stays and it just isn't pleasant to be around on a daily basis. If you think about it, you're unhappy if you stick around, and you're unhappy if you don't have any support system at all.

So, from my own experiences, and from my experiences watching my students as a tenure track professor - I can offer you a place to start.

1. Research as much as you can on ADD/ADHD. Find a way to share this with all of your children, whether they have it or not. Everyone needs to understand how it works. Also, you need to delabel it. It's like a bad word, you can say "rain" or you say "hail." In a sense, it's really not that big of a deal. The world seems to be ok if you are missing a limb, but brain problems are disturbing. We really give it a bad rap. I think being incontinent would be worse. Everyone has limitations they need to work with.

If you feel like you cannot do this effectively, find the best specialist and work with them. It's important your children understand what is really going on. Their imaginations, their treatment from other children and teachers have lead them to believe there is something really wrong with them. Separate the illness/limitation from the child.

2. They need to know that they are not dumb. These days I see it as a separate issue from my abilities. Your children are probably really creative and intelligent under that blanket of a problem. They have spent their entire lives figuring out different ways to do things in order to get something done. Everyone else follows the path of least resistance. So, they already know how to think outside the box. When they see something, they see it differently. That's a big advantage that is rarely taken advantage of because most cannot get away from the problem that is holding them back.

3. Let them recognize that they may need to work longer than others. It's just a fact. Get a tutor and have them do their homework during a specified time frame. Don't let them learn how to procrastinate because they are frustrated. Hire someone who is patient and fun. It's not so much about getting everything perfect, but getting them to figure out how they learn. You are really teaching them how to enjoy themselves while learning. To not be terrified by learning. Learning is fun. It took me 30 years to figure that out.

4. Buy anything that will take the pressure off. In college I would buy professional notes so I could sit and listen to the lecture. I have a very hard time taking notes and taking something in at the same time. This may not be as helpful now, but it's something to think about as a formula for helpful solutions in other areas.

5. Step back and take a look at the things that they enjoy doing. You may notice that they can concentrate then. Get them more involved. Creative things (art, music, cooking, animals) are great because it doesn't necessarily require them to follow someone elses rules. Let them learn how to concentrate that way. It is also good for them to feel like they have finished something. To have accomplishment that they are proud of. Make these areas safe and sacred. Reward them.

6. Get them out doing things. Volunteering at the zoo. Get them into situations where they can see what work is before they have to go there to get credit or make money (very scary when you are spacey or disorganized). Get them involved with people. In high school and college, have them do exciting internships instead of a summer job. Have them be camp counselors.

7. Get them out of that school. Regardless of whether you figure things out or not, the school is already against them. If you can afford the private school, do it (generally there are less students, therefore more direct attention). But make sure you aren't just sending them somewhere similar. Check the school out. If the teachers are really strict, you're going to have the same problem. You need intelligent people who understand that everyone learns differently. You really just don't want your kids to relate learning with punishment. It stops the learning completely. I would also be prepared to talk to the teachers - and show them your research about ADD. Get them away from the stigma of it. Pave a path of the least resistance for your children. That way the teachers are prepared and open about hurdles. If there are problems, have them call you first before bringing it into the classroom. You may need to adjust something or provide a different path to the solution. You should prepare for this transition. You may not be perfectly ready, but at least go into it when you are on the same page with your kids.

8. My mother had to volunteer in my classroom because one of my teachers got so frustrated that she turned my entire desk upside down. These days you can't do that, which kind of makes it worse because the teacher is just building up anger and dealing it out over time. Everyone in the classroom feels it day in and day out. Anxiety. Volunteer in the classroom. Your presence will lower tension and allow your child to feel safe. Let them know that you are always on their side. My mother was my cheerleader. She had to wring some necks at my high school and I am forever grateful.

9. Consider medication. Like I said, I wish I had it then. If you read about women with ADD who were not diagnosed, you just see that they have depression and anxiety on top of the ADD. I've been taking that kind of medication for 10 years. If your kid were diabetic, would you not give them medication? And if you are on medication and it isn't working, you may just be on the wrong one. Find a doctor who is willing to try them all if necessary. A lot of psychiatrists get kickbacks to prescribe certain medications. Find a doctor who cares. My doctor and I are even trying the old ones. Some of them are great, just no one wants to prescribe them because there is no incentive. And they are cheaper.

Well. This rambling may be presumptuous... but I can trace the roots of my problems back to first grade. It's shocking to see how many opportunities I have lost because I didn't understand what was going on with me. No one did. It took me so long time to figure out what I was good at. And no one was there to support me but my mom. And there I ended up in the best school in the country, because what I did know was solid. It's still hard to this day, but I am so glad that my mother was there rooting for me.

Revel in anything your child takes an interest in. What difference does it make? Teach them how to be happy in life.

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