I struggle with this same issue with my son. He and I are so alike it's scary. We're both stubborn, impatient, passionate people. That means we get along REALLY well sometimes...and it means we REALLY butt heads sometimes too.

It helped me a lot to observe my son and husband together and compare that to my own interactions with my son. The differences were subtle, but changing my behavior made a big difference in my relationship with my son. This might not help your wife, but it probably won't hurt.

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I am a grandmother raising a boy with ADHD. He is now 10 years old. He is very mean to me and I have done nothing to him except save his life. My daughter was only 18 when she had him and was not at all interested in being a parent. She allowed my husband and I to take custody of him so that he could have medical insurance. He was 10 weeks premature and needed alot of medical care. I truley beleive that if my husband and I had not taken custody of this baby he would not have lived to be 2 years old. He has been a great challenge to me and I love him as if he were my own, However he is very hateful with me as if he blames me for everything that has gone wrong or can go wrong in his short life. I am not sure how to make this better but I do feel for you since I know what you are dealing with.

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I'm a 22 year old college student and have been through this.

I want to let you all know that I was once one of those kids. It is incredibly difficult for us to understand the way our ADD minds think much less someone else. I have put my parents through such an emotional roller coaster over the years and the thing that helps the most is SUPPORT. The hard thing to understand is that support does not always mean fixing things. ADD kids can be fiercely independent and this comes from our natural curiosity about almost everything. We would much rather figure something out on our own than be told how we are supposed to do it. We also have a mental block that we use to shut down when we are being told what to do.

When starting school the first few years are really difficult for us, especially coming from a really supportive home where our disability is understood and accepted. (my mom had to literally pry my fingers off the banister in the stairwell to get me into my 2nd grade classroom) We are expected to do what we are told sit quietly and wait to ask questions. This continues through school and unless we conform our minds to the way the education system works for others its hard for us to keep up and we get frustrated. When all you want to do is learn... but not the way your supposed to... signals are confused. Teachers and teaching methods are the biggest factors in our willingness and ability to understand what is being taught and listen to the person teaching.

When dealing with younger children it's important you realize your child may want to learn but not by listening or being told what to do. He/she needs to be pushed in the right direction but not given all the answers. It is exciting and fun for us to figure things out on our own. Try making the lesson a type of game and keep it interesting and let your kid find the answer themselves without too much assistance. God knows when my dad tried to explain addition and subtraction to me NOTHING made sense until he brought out the apples... "If you have an apple and I give you another how many apples do you have?". Physically playing with the apples and being able to understand the exchange of the numbers made all the difference. (I honestly still remember the moment and my memory is AWFUL). It may take longer but these basic skills cannot be overlooked and if learned wrong will be a problem forever. ADD people are GREAT at problem solving. We also feel a great sense of accomplishment when we learn something on our own. Being a guide, a helping hand and a FRIEND (not a teacher) is the best thing you can do for your kids.

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Thank you, Mcgroarm, for that beautiful post! I am a mom of 2 daughters with ADHD. (I have 2 more kids who are too young to be diagnosed, yet.) Your post helped me so much put myself in their shoes. Thank you!

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I'm so glad that helped you! I found a book in the University bookstore the other day:

College Confidence with ADD by Michael Sandler

I know most of the people in this group have younger children but this book was revolutionary to me and not just with respect to my academic life. There are alot of really useful tips for helping with relationships/time management/classes/finances etc. but most importantly, it shed light on WHY I learn and think the way I do. This understanding made all the difference.

Reading this book led me to this site. (The author periodically writes articles for the magazine)

I know it is such a struggle to be helpless when it comes to the hardships of others. Knowing more about ADD while I was growing up would have really helped my parents understand "my side" of the story. They were always supportive and did whatever they could to make sure I knew I was capable of doing whatever I wanted. Because I have had to reset my brain since coming to college, I have had an opportunity to understand what would have made things easier for me in elementary school and high school.

- focus on weaknesses EARLY - Don't think that they'll get the multiplication tables later or that they will always have a calculator. This is a constant struggle for me. I wish I had a better understanding of the basics and this is where I tend to have problems now.

-get involved in sports- Basketball was a lifesaver for me. My brain was constantly engaged and I was able to get rid of excess stress. When I was younger, team sports taught me alot about social interactions with others.

-be active in the learning process- Know what's going on in school this week and maybe the important assignments, but make sure to keep a distance and allow them to get the work done themselves. By high school I was completely on my own with my school work and I don't know how I would have made it to college if I relied on my parents to check my assignment book and make sure they knew when all my important tests were.

Good luck with this journey!

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