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30 Oct 2009 @ 3:21 AM
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| Snipercheez |
Join Date:
Fri 30th Oct 2009
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Will Someone Hear my Story??
Ok, I'm not going to go into my childhood and tell every detail of how I came to be the way I am. I'll just try to sum it up the best way I can. First of off, I'm 31 years old, a full time student studying Graph. Design at Univ. of Maryland, and I'm currently in a 2 yr. relationship with my gf living in B'more. The problem? I don't want to do anything. Nothing really excites me except sex, technology, and my number one source of crack...the internet. I can't get anything done because I HAVE TO get on the internet...it's the only thing that keeps my attention. Our house is a total chaotic mess because of my gf's work schedule (she works nights) and I'm at school during the day. I could clean when I get home from school, but I'd rather get on the internet instead, or do something else like drawing (I'm a cartoonist). I have very low self esteem. I've never really had any confidence, and I'm always comparing myself to other people...mainly men. I don't feel as if I'm a grown man. My girlfriend is constantly saying I'm really a 19 year old in a 31 yo's body. I lived with my parents until I was 23...that's when I joined the army. I was in the military for 4 years, which included a tour in Iraq. While I was in the service I shy'd away from responsibility because I always thought I'd drop the ball if all eyes were on me. If a task was given to me, I would start wigging out....sweating, shaking, confusion...just so filled with anxiety. I've been out of the Army for 4 years now, and I've been going to college ever since. I should have graduated now, but because of my "laziness", I've put things off, making it harder for me financially, and I've been a poor student (missing classes, going to class late, failing grades). Not to mention I wait till the very night before to complete a project. I don't know when's the last time I've completed a project in advance. I'm also ignoring my bills. I had some medical bills that Ignored that ended up screwing my perfect credit, which pissed my gf off. All of this is putting stress on my gf. She is working full time in DC, and here I am, no job, not pulling my weight around the house, and always snapping at her when she tries to confront these issues...I'm always defensive. I'm not trying to get over on her, or take advantage, it just seems like I am my own worst enemy. If the both of us, or anyone else needs something done, I'm a great team player. But if it calls for me to put forth initiative and do it by myself, I will do nothing. I constantly feel like I'm an idiot/stupid who can't do anything right.. I don't think I have anything offer to this world, and sometimes I just feel like giving up by putting a gun to my head, or just walking out the door and becoming homeless just so I don't have to deal with reality. I was seeing an ADHD therapist on campus, and I got diagnosed with the disorder. I was on vyvanse for 30mg's, and when I first took it I SAW THE LIGHT. But, after like 2 days it didn't do squat for me really. I just had all this energy, but I could not direct it in the right place. I just recall me directing all my attention on the net. I only had one prescription of that. I was told that maybe me being a 200 lb man that maybe I would have to up the dose. I stopped going to my therapist once the spring semester was over cause I felt school was my real problem. I was wrong. I am the real problem. I hate who I am, and I hate the person that I've become. Might I add that I've felt this way ever since I can remember....like the age of 4 or 5....always unmotivated and low self-esteem. Sorry, people....I just want to know if there's anyone w/ the same problems that are able to give me some advice, and really I just wanted to vent. I'm I just lazy? Spoiled Brat? Manipulator? Depressed? I just want the opinion of someone who isn't a therapist, friend, relative, or my girlfriend. Thanks. |
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3 Nov 2009 @ 10:22 AM
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| kdog |
Join Date:
Mon 27th Oct 2008
Threads: 1 Posts: 32 |
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Evaluation
I doubt that you're lazy or stupid. You're clearly aware, at least in general, of your behavior. It really sounds like you need a good evaluation. If you have ADHD the right medicine can help a great deal but it can take some time to get the right med at the right dose. I was taking far too low of a dose for years. Working with an ADHD coach helped me get on the right ADHD medication. Getting the right dose of the same medication made a significant difference. In many cases, people with ADHD have a second condition such as anxiety, OCD, depression, or others. That was true for me. The good news is that addressing these conditions can make things so much better. But it can take time to get the right treatment and sometimes you have to treat one to reveal the next. Ignoring bills, trouble with school deadlines, and spending too much time on the Internet are all experiences I can relate to. If these are the results of ADHD, meds can really help. Medications don't always solve problems but they often make it possible to work on them. I think of it like using the patch to help with quitting smoking - it can still be work, but it can make the difference between quitting and not quitting. And as far as not feeling like a grown-up, I can totally relate. I often have a child-like sense of humor that my wife sometime enjoys and other times only tolerates. I will often find myself saying "I'm Five!" because that's how I am acting or feeling. While I joke about it, there is some truth (and pain) in saying that. The down-side is that I'm not a grown-up in all the ways I'd like to be. Managing my ADHD better, I have come to accept that my wife needs to take care of the money or help me with other grown-up issues. I work on being a grown-up where I can, accept help where I need to, and thank those who are patient or help me with my struggles. I would encourage you to seek treatment for your ADHD because treatment can make such a big difference in school, work, and relationships. I would also encourage you to seek out an ADHD coach. You don't have to accept this as a way of life.
Last edited by kdog : 3 Nov 2009 @ 10:27 AM.
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10 Nov 2009 @ 6:26 PM
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| fruity7 |
Join Date:
Tue 10th Nov 2009
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You have a lot of insight
You are pretty hard on yourself too! But your insight is a really great tool. You remind me of me a little, and of my adult son a lot. There have been times he has made me so frustrated I would have liked to whack him with a cricket bat, but mainly I love him and admire him because he treads such a tough road and has so much to offer this world and just wades through the mud every day andholds onto a bit of hope. I hiope and pray you both find a way to make your world a better place. Surely recognising what's wrong and wanting it to change puts you streets ahead of so many other people. |
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11 Nov 2009 @ 11:10 AM
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3
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| musichick3 |
Join Date:
Wed 1st Jul 2009
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repsonse to Story
I hear what you're saying and I can relate to all of it. I get bored easily (typical ADDer) and when I feel bogged down by the daily grind of responsibilies, I look for an escape, such as the internet or TV, to distract me. It's kind of a cycle type of thing: I feel bad about myself for not being successful at (fill in the blank), then I get frustrated because there's no easy fix, so I retreat from the stress by finding something to entertain me. I do this at work as well. I'm stuck at a desk all day, doing receptionist work (BORING!!) and the only thing I have to look forward to is going to class (I've gone back to college because I never focused enough when I was young to graduate the first time around, and never found a "career"...just different jobs over the years, none that pay well) It makes me mad at myself that I'm stuck in a low-paying, mindless job when I know I'm smart enough to be much further along by now. (I'm 48 and was diagnosed about 5 years ago w/ ADD) It's like I can't seem to get it together like normal people. Even when I stay organized for a day or 2, something happens and I get thrown off and the cycle starts again. I take regular Adderall, but am considering trying Vyvanse for more consistency throughout the day. I feel like I've wasted a lot of time in my life running in circles getting nowhere, and don't have much to show for it. Do yourself a favor and go back to therapy/doctor/meds so you won't end up wishing you had done so 20 years from now... |
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15 Nov 2009 @ 5:25 PM
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4
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| Gary |
Join Date:
Sun 15th Nov 2009
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adult add
I understand what you are going through. I was diagnosed with add only two years ago. I take adderal and it really helps me concentrate and gives me incentive to do the things I need to do. It works better some days than others but I also have PTSD and depression. I think that affects the way it works sometimes because of the other meds I take. Dont give up and seek treatment from someone that understands your problems. Never ever give up. |
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