That must be frustrating. I thought of you when I spotted this article on the front page of the ADDitude website:

ADHD Marriage -- it addresses the issue you mentioned, your husband feels more like your child. I don't think you are the only wife who feels like you do.

I hope this helps. Dena

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Thanks for posting this article. When I was typing the post above I kept thinking that I would just type it to get it out of my system and then delete it before it would post. But when I pressed that button to post, I felt better somehow. Just knowing that someone would read it, that I was telling someone how I felt, well, it just helped. That sounds crazy and selfish, but it helps. Thanks for taking the time to "listen" and post.....Melinda

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Thanks for posting! We NEED to vent. It's all we have. There really isn't much out there for us. At least we have each other, who really "get" what we are living with. It is SO crazy making!

I know it's so hard to have that extra child. I homeschool also so I know the load is tough. If our spouses were in a wheelchair I think it would be easier. They look like adults, others think they are, we expect them to be, but . . . . . arrrrrgh, they are not!

I can't offer you any solutions but just to know that I am listening and feel your pain.

Go do something nice for yourself. I think a glass of wine and a bubble bath are in order.

Going Krazy

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I'm glad I came to this site, because I have NO ONE I can talk to about this. My husband (the one with ADHD) doesn't share his condition with many people and has pretty much asked that I never reveal it. So, chatting with a close girlfriend about it isn't an option. And venting to my husband isn't going to do much other than make him feel bad. Sometimes I just want to bitch and complain about how much he bitches and complains!

You said: "I can handle things until he walks through the door, then I resent having to carry him too. I'm not asking for praise, just to be married to the adult that he is at work. I don't think I can hang on like this, or I don't want to, I really don't know. At the end of my hope."

I feel the same way. I am working from home now (a full time job), and I can be so productive and at ease when he is at work. As soon as he is home, I'm walking on eggshells, and infuriated when he keeps asking me if I did a,b,c and the rest of the alphabet. See, in the article linked above, they talk about how the ADD spouse forgets things and "goes skiing instead of shoveling the driveway," so the non-ADD spouse does all the work. In my case, though, my husband just doesn't forget about stuff, he expects me to take care of everything and tells me so. For someone who doesn't lift a finger in the kitchen, laundry room, or elsewhere, he sure does nag a lot about stuff that isn't taken care of. It makes no sense, and I really can't take it either. In the time it takes him to bitch about a trash can being full, he could have taken care of it himself. I feel like his servant and not his partner. At least with kids, you bring them into this world knowing you will have to care for them and do a lot of work until they can do it themselves. When you have a spouse, you don't enter the relationship knowing and accepting you will have to take on a caretaker role. Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe it.

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I was reading a couple of the posting on here and I just had to say something so here goes... I was brought up with parents who didn't exactly pay any attention to how I was doing socially or while at school. I often wondered what was wrong with me? I couldn't get along with a lot of kids, I always felt misplaced and mostly I felt stupid. I would look at the work at hand and have absolutely no idea what to do. I would listen to the instructions but they might as well have been in Japanese! As soon as the lesson was over it was gone. I was never diagnosed just went through life thinking I just was not smart. :( I think at some point I learned to cope but have noticed still at 30 years of age that I don't listen that well, and jump from topic to topic without noticing. I am a single mother of 3 great kids and feel grateful that I went through those experiences because I was able to spot them when my middle child was showing signs of ADHD.

He struggled through school and didn't make friends and the poor boy would be upset all of the time. I was so sick and tired of teachers telling me that he was bad and if only he would stop talking he would do fine. My son is very bright ...he is very sensitive and artistic. I knew they were wrong! My son at this time was barely speaking he was very hard to understand when he did. He was struggling in school, barely passing his grades. He didn't make friends and would rather be off by himself. When he was in grade 3 he finally got a fantastic teacher who knew a little bit about ADHD and suggested that he go see a specialist. He was diagnosed and is on medication for it. The very next day he was telling me all about the documentaries he had watched about the "Titanic" , "Spit fire planes", & even about "Egypt and it's Pyramids" CLEARLY!!! His grades have gone from D's to B's. He is now in grade 6 and is completely at grade level! To see him playing on the playground with other children makes me incredibly happy. That's a huge , huge, deal in itself!! I think people need to realize that even though it is frustrating when someone with ADD isn't doing what you expect them to. Try to imagine how frustrated we feel with ourselves! Belle

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I find myself in the same company - my husband could be described with the same words - and my response the same as listed. The only thing is - that I have ADHD (in-attentive) and so does my 23 year old son by the same man. For most of our 32 year marriage (37 years friendship) the information we could have used with regard to ADHD for my son and ourselves was either not available. accessible or not widely believed. Our families were either very technical left brained thinkers or hardworking working folks who in the absence of hard data - believed our problems to be the fault of not trying hard enough or a lack of character. While it's a relief and pleasure to see so many more helpful resources out in public today, we could not benefit from it earlier. He did not want to seek a diagnosis or go to counseling. He actually said on several occasions - he would prefer to be thought of as merely lazy rather than suffer from a highly inheritable medical condition! Both my son and I have been diagnosed. The husband is very respected at work and holds a highly technical job. But like my birth father, he has absolutely no extra energy for family members at home. During the early years of our marriage he'd brag a bit about "how nice they thought he was at work." Although I never voiced it, if you could read an invisible cartoon bubble of comment above my head. I would have remarked: "So why don't you give it a try at home!". I can see now with unabashed clarity that the anxiety of trying to plow through this and other experiences which have come along for the ride turned me into a walking bundle of nerves. As of this writing, we've been separated for over a year and will be seeking a dissolution shortly. Of course, I had plenty of difficulty trying to meet my own definition of a good wife and mother. While it appears my husband instigated this by jumping ship and becoming involved with another woman, after some reflection I believe that as with some of the other couples, we have finally "wore" each other out.

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