I've been married for 19 years to a man who had ADHD as a child and was prescribed ritylan (sp?) but was often neglected and left to his own devices. He did not graduate high school but is a very accomplished journeyman cabinet maker whose ADD mind allows him create beautiful work. That aside, I can feel for you and understand the thoughts of leaving, I too have the same. And I wonder if it's not in the same catagory as say a person in a wheel chair or one with a brain injury. Would I leave that person? Do I need more compassion for him? I have sacraficed alot. I have taken care of our two businesses, done the taxes, car maintenance, yard, house, shopping, etc. Thank goodness we have no children! But he more than makes up for it! Last year he was laid off from a job where his ADD went largely unnoticed. Now, he has a job where his deficiencies are highly noticed. He came to me with his concerns, but naturally has made no effort to find a solution. Or can he? Anyway, I had a HUGE epiphany. Many years of no sex in our relationship. He isn't cheating mind you, just can't keep his mind in the game and frankly it's too much work and he lacks connection. He is a hoarder and high disorganized. He had difficulty paying attention and can be addicted to the internet. He has an appt with a doc the end of this month, but our medical doesn't allow for psychiatric care, hugely expensive. I have a hard time knowing what he is and isn't able to to. Even the littlest of annoyances are now explained with ADD. Perhaps you and I can support each other in finding ways to have a fulfilling life with our mates, get them help and can expect some comfort for ourselves as well. Right now, leaving although always on the back of my mind, wouldn't be an effective response for me. But I have my limits. If he doesn't choose to participate in counseling, behavior modification, medication and efforts at recognizing how he contributes to his own problems...peace out, man. On the flip side, I'm looking for my own support group and perhaps I may decide it's too much and move on. Anyway you look at it, we're both suffering too. We could have richer, happier lives with partners who were either well or with someone else. I've found it's most important to take care of me first without misusing resources, being malicious or vindicative. Some days are better than others!!! Peace be the journey.

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As someone with ADHD, please let me respond to your concerns about leaving someone with the disorder. It is the patient's responsibility to learn to cope & manage all aspects of the disorder... including impulsive anger issues. It is not their right to be verbally or emotionally abusive, just because he "doesn't mean it." The anger is about our inability to function normally and unfortunately we do tend to take it out on people... that does not make it right or clear us of our responsibility to the people we love and who love us. You must explain this in no uncertain terms... you have the right to be happy too. You are not just a crutch to be abused under the umbrella of "but he loves me" or guilt at the idea of abaondoning him to his own devices. He either cleans up his act AND gets help via counseling, or you need to move on. Set a deadline, or the ADHD brain will always think there's more time. Life is short. You don't have time to waste on someone who will not help themselves and makes it your fault!!

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I agree with Sandy. It is important to support individual's with ADHD but not enable them. I know that you love him but it is evident that you have "put in your time" . Make your fantasy a reality..blaze a new trail!!

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"His anger, on a daily basis, is just no longer something I feel I can take anymore. Every time he goes off on something (often irrationally blaming me), I want to tell him to 'suck it up' or shut up (which would be disastrous), and it always leaves me asking myself why I put up with it. He calls me names on a daily basis and he cannot understand why my simply knowing he doesn't mean it (he can't help it) is not enough for me not to feel hurt and belittled."

This is totally my life. Except that I put up with it because we have a child with a disability for whom daily day care is not an option right now. So, surprise, my husband left me for 2 years , and then came back for about 2 years, and then just left again. His untreated ADD and other problems are so monumental and so unrelenting that I feel like I need detox just to purge myself of all the self defense mechanisms I've adapted over the years just to survive. The reality is my guy, and yours, are abusing us, emotionally and verbally. We've been looking on the bright side for far too long. And the mercurial nature of untreated ADD totally feeds into that. Because after my guy acts like an a*hole, he's as sweet as pie. And when he's in a good mood, he's the most fun. But when he's an a*hole, well, there isn't enough toilet paper on the planet to handle all his crap.

He also likes to fight with me - I think he enjoys the adrenalin rush he gets from it. He never wants to find a way to solve a problem, it's just a forum to dump on me. The fighting is anything goes and anything can be said by him because " all is fair in love and war". So when he feels like he's losing, he changes direction and brings some other topic into the fight. He'll backtrack and even contradict himself if he feels it will help. He prides himself on his willingness to apologize after a fight. After all the nasty crap he lays on me on a regular basis, it's the least he can do. Because he's never going to learn to stop being an abusive a*hole. It's to the point now where I can predict the pattern - I try not to get sucked in to the arguments, but my downfall is my pride. I just get so tired of the name calling and the hostility by someone who apparently thinks he is the next Mother Theresa, but who is so far from even being just a nice, average guy, it's laughable. There is one set of standards for him and one for the rest of the world. He can be his imperfect self and everyone else must understand and accept him. He, however, can bitch and rant and rave about the most trivial slights and insults and missteps of others because they are not conforming to what he thinks they should be doing. If only he could control the world and everyone in it!

He gets highly insulted by talking about his ADD. No, I didn't diagnose him. He went a psychiatrist who did diagnose him with ADD and bipolar disorder. He took meds. briefly but didn't like them so he quit!!!! He said they took his sex drive away. Well, I certainly didn't notice since our sex life was so sporadic. It was such an ordeal for him to have sex with me. He was so impatient, so unable to concentrate. It was clear to me that he found masturbation much more rewarding - he did it every day. I think it 's as much to relieve anxiety as it is about pleasure for him.

So, my goal is to find a way for my child to learn behaviors which will help him be successful in day care and in life and that will free me to find a better paying job than the one I currently have. I love my husband's good qualities but I can't live with his friend: untreated ADD, even when we're separated. He is currently functional but it could all change on a dime. Stress is the main unpredictable variable that could tip the scales. His boundaries are so porous that I foresee a future where I've moved on, gotten a good job, a new sane and stable relationship, and he will just always be dropping by or trying to. I literally pray for him to find a girlfriend so he can remarry, have more kids, and have something new to focus on, instead of my child and me.

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My diagnosis was a relief! I guess this proves that we all feel differently about it. I agonized for years about the effect I was having on people and vice versa, it was such a huge burden lifted to realize that there was a name for it and that there are multiple avenues to take to work with the bad parts and maximize the best parts.

About Sue's situation... Don't pray he finds a girlfriend and remarries... that will only mean more trouble for you because you'll be the "evil ex-wife" and the "reason he can't really be there for the new one." It opens you up to court battles and insurances issues. What you need to pray for is confidence and the strength to search out and find the programs that are all around to help you with your child's issues and your own. Leave the hubby, he's not worth anything to himself as he is, let alone you and your child. There are tons of programs that may be able to help, you just have to find the right one and then face your own fears about why you haven't done it sooner. You're getting something out of this relationship besides his abuse, and even if it's negative you're convinced you need him to get it. I think you should start first with a therapist (many, many work on sliding scale or are covered by insurance). A therapist will help you explore why you haven't left yet, the reasons you've stated can all be counter-argued. There's something you're not admitting, maybe even to yourself, and until you find and face that, you are truly stuck. You do NOT want your child growing up with that display of manic-roller-coaster abuse and fun. There is no "least he can do," he's already doing the least by ignoring his and his family's needs. Please get out before his impulse control escalates to something more than words with his "anything goes" and becomes physical abuse. All is not fair in love, and even war has rules.

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Please don't think I'm against relationships or that I don't believe that love is worth fighting for. I just believe that the first fight is the patient's... and anything fought before that one is won is fruitless and dangerous to the others in our lives. I personally have finally found a man who can see Me through the ADHD and feels it's worth it to cope with my outbursts or disorganization. I don't know yet where we're going, but I have no doubts that to him, I'm worth it... but I couldn't have gotten this far with a "healthy" person if I hadn't first fought the fight with myself to work through the more damaging aspects of ADHD. I had to learn that I didn't have the right to be a nightmare to someone else just because I loved them. I had to behave in a manner where I was worthy of their love. And the men in the relationships I've responded too have not yet begun those fights, in fact they're still hiding behind the condition as an excuse to behave like a poor excuse for a human being. If they face themselves, if they take responsibility for the way they are treating people, if they search out and accept the help that is available... then by all means, support them. But do not stay for any other reason. There are too many solutions out there to allow that sort of damage to yourself or to children... you're all worth far more than that.

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I have been reading and re-reading your posts (and mine) and have been giving it all a lot of consideration lately. I don't know how much talking is going to help anymore. Anytime I break down and tell him I can't take it (his anger, verbal abuse, inability to care for himself, etc.) any more, he always comes back with telling me that he knows what it does to me, he knows it isn't right, and in fact, it hurts him twice as what I experience because he get frustrated and angry at himself for doing it, then frustrated and angry to see how it hurts me. I know I am going to have to approach this with a clear head, and not with crying, or it will just cycle back around like it always does. As cold as it sounds, I think I need to write it all out (my thoughts, needs, everything I want him to know), and then write down what I think his defense responses will be, and how I can respond. I swear he should be a lawyer!

I do want to give him some time to work on himself and our relationship. Next summer, our lease will end (we rent), and I think that would be the best time to part ways. We could both find separate places to move in to, with minimal financial disturbance. I've never broken up with anyone, so I want to be thoughtful about how I approach it. But, now that I've set this timeline in my head, I am going to use it to start seeing if I (we) can turn things around. Part of me would love to say "see ya!" right before the lease ends and make a break for it. But I think I need to absolutely know I am making the best decision. I need to start standing up for myself, stop enabling him, and start putting my needs out there to see if he can do his part. If not, I'm going to ask him to seek counseling. If he refuses, or if it doesn't help and the everything remains the same, then I'll let go.

It is very weird to have made this kind of decision in my head. I keep analyzing everything into "not going to have to deal with that anymore" and "I'm going to miss that" categories. I know I sound methodical, but it helps me to not be so emotional that I can't think straight.

Again, thank you for your thoughts.

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This might not be timely for you, but maybe it will help you or someone else in a similar situation.

While my behavior might not have been as extreme as your partner's, I was the quick-to-anger, unresponsive, ADHD, male partner. My wife was tired of my behavior too.

First, I would echo the response above that it is the responsibility of person with ADHD to confront themselves and do everything possible to manage it.

Secondly, I would agree that talking about it isn't particularly helpful- especially if ADHD isn't treated properly. In fact, my wife and I went to counseling for about a year and while we had a great counselor, it wasn't effective because I wasn't properly medicated for my ADHD.

In fact, I would argue that counseling can be very harmful if done before the ADHD is diagnosed and treated. While I wanted to be supportive and a better husband, I was failing. The failure wasn't from lack of desire or effort. My ADHD symptoms were in the way. Without ADHD treatment it can appear that the person is pretending to care by going to counseling then failing to make any significant changes.

When my wife became fed up, I got scared because she's the greatest. Our relationship was the one thing in this world I didn't want to screw up. I was unaware how serious the problem was until then. I didn't know what to do because I was taking ADHD meds, had gone to counseling, and moved with her to follow her career. I thought I had done everything.

Well, I decided to talk to an ADHD coach. We looked at my medications, talked about how to deal with my anxiety, and began to evaluate my behaviors, and worked on listening skills. It made a profound difference and things are much, much better now.

I would encourage him to talk to an ADHD coach. He may think he doesn't need any additional help, but I don't know anyone with ADHD who doesn't need help and support. It's really not much to ask if he cares about the relationship - and it will help other areas of his life too.

One of the benefits of a coach is that it places the responsibility of ADHD on the person who has it while teaching the person how to ask, and receive help where appropriate.

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Sandy said: As someone with ADHD, please let me respond to your concerns about leaving someone with the disorder. It is the patient's responsibility to learn to cope & manage all aspects of the disorder... including impulsive anger issues. It is not their right to be verbally or emotionally abusive, just because he "doesn't mean it." The anger is about our inability to function normally and unfortunately we do tend to take it out on people... that does not make it right or clear us of our responsibility to the people we love and who love us. You must explain this in no uncertain terms... you have the right to be happy too. You are not just a crutch to be abused under the umbrella of "but he loves me" or guilt at the idea of abaondoning him to his own devices. He either cleans up his act AND gets help via counseling, or you need to move on. Set a deadline, or the ADHD brain will always think there's more time. Life is short. You don't have time to waste on someone who will not help themselves and makes it your fault!!

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Kdog: How does one go about finding an ADHD coach? I'm in a small town, but about an hour away from a semi-large city, so there may be some possibilities there. My husband thinks he can do it all on his own (well, with my help), so I don't know how receptive he would be to a coach, but I can see how it could help in a lot of ways, not just at home.

Linda: I'm sorry it seems you've been driven away, like I have. It is not an easy thing to accept/do. If you don't me asking a personal question, could let me know what "it" was that you couldn't take any more? You see, I'm not just struggling with whether or not it is fair to leave someone with this condition, but whether or not it is fair to leave someone after so many years together. This has been my one and only relationship, so I've never "dumped" anyone before, and I guess I just want some kind of gauge or another situation to compare it to, to see if my reasons justify leaving...if that makes sense.

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I hate to say this, but you are describing is an abusive situation, and you need to get out NOW! By telling you, "I'm sorry, I won't do it again." "It hurts me more than it hurts you." and "It's my ADD" is keeping you under control. He MUST be responsible for his own health -- you can't, and never will be able to, do it for him. He will continue this behavior as long as you put up with it. You deserve more than that!

Believe me, I know. I lived that life for over 20 years. My ADHD ex-husband was great in so many ways: creative, loving (at times), and FUN!!! Then there was the other side. The intimidation, anger, explosions, and ridicule. I tried to get him to see a psychiatrist for meds. He took them only when he wanted (which was hardly ever). I took the pain for many years. When he started intimidating and ridiculing the kids... That's when I said, "No!" He has been removed from our lives for four years now, and we are all the better for it. It's been a rough road for me to recover from all the damage he did while I stayed in that abusive relationship, but I'm (we're) on the mend.

Protect yourself! You are worth it! Best of Luck!

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I've read and read on the site and I can/do relate to just about all that everyone is saying. What I have not been able to find is someone who can offer some help of some sort?? Surely there MUST be some sort of program out there that will offer help to spouses of those with ADHD. I won't bother to put down my whole story as it would just be an echo of all the others but (as others have said/indicated) I am DESPERATE for some help to know how to deal with the ADHD spouse. My marriage is pretty much non-existant and my kids are old enough now to notice the problems. I really try to shelter them as much as possible but they are growing up and I can't shelter them forever. I am SO DESPERATE.......... have thought of leaving MANY times but that is not what I want........ I love my husband and want to know how to go about making this work. I know I can't continue to go on doing absolutely everything, house work, yard work, parenting, bills, working etc etc alone it is really wearing me out now! Can anyone help or point me in the direction of a good book, website or program to help??

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There is so much wisdom among the responses here, and I'm not sure I have anything to add. I've been married to my spouse with ADHD for 16-1/2 years, and we have a 14 year old son. My dh was diagnosed seven years ago and has been taking medication and getting counseling. We also have been in couples counseling for longer than that (it was our couples counselor who first suggested ADHD). After a very long struggle, my health declining and depression worsening, I finally made the decision to split with him. It was and continues to be the most difficult decision I've ever made but I know it is the right thing for myself and my son. I married in my mid-30s and was as committed as anybody could be to making it work and having it last a lifetime. The resources which have been most helpful to me in my journey have been an on-line support group for spouses: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/ADHD_Partner/, and a book which just came out last year, Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D. - Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder, by Gina Pera. I recommend you check both of these out, and wish you well going forward. Only you know what is the right decision for you.

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Rather than a spouse with ADHD, I have a sister who I suspect has it. Even though she can be a lot of fun , I've had to pretty much cut her out of my life. I'm afraid that at some point her anger issues & lack of impulse control will result in her hurting me or my family.

I recently got the book - What does everybody else know that I don't? A reader-friendly guide Social Skills help for Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder - by Michele Novotni.

It is written for people with ADHD, but it includes an appendix titled "20 TIps for Those Who Want to Help". Tip #1 -Is your help wanted? then the book says unwanted help is not helpful

But if help is wanted, the list has good tips on how to help an ADHD person

By the way - I'm half way through the book - and I've seen my sister and her son in a lot of the examples.

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I am now 7 years divorced from my ADHD husband. It was the best and saddest decision I ever made. I wanted to love him and keep our family together, but his abusive temper and the chaos he attracted became too much for me. We were in therapy for several years, but could only go so far. Humility was not something he knew how to feel and treatment was out of the question.

The divorce was horrible, but it showed me how incredibly strong I was AND gave my kids a chance to see what it looks like to be brave and stand up for what is just. Post-divorce, he is physically attentive to our kids, but continues to be emotionally absent with them, and extremely erratic and hostile towards me. I have built a good life for us and have been remarried now for 3 years. I handle my own children's ADHD with openness and acceptance, and continue to provide them the tools they'll need to live responsibly and lovingly with their friends and partners. Ultimately, the honest life I've made is their best reference.

If you have ADHD and are humbly working with your partner to make it work, I applaud you. Your partner is indeed lucky to have you. It's easy to cut and run, and so much harder to stay and do the work and so I applaud your partner, too. Dr. Ned Hallowell offers many options to couples who are trying to do this work. http://www.drhallowell.com/add-adhd/add-marriage/

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It is hard to know where the boundary is that divides the ADD from the basic personality behind it. I have ADD and have been married for almost twenty years. We have two wonderful kids. I was married once before. I am sure that the then undiagnosed ADD contributed to the breakup of the first marriage – but I also think we just should have remained friends and not gotten married. My current marriage has had ups and downs but we have a strong mutual respect and appreciation for each other. When things get tough and the two of us need help we have sought marriage counseling. I know that a lot of my men friends resist this ‘I can do this myself’, but their relationships suffer. Pride, ego, arrogance, whatever it is – these get in the way and those that have excess of them hurt others around them. What is attributable to ADD and what to personality? Some clues can be found in their own families, their own parents’ marriage. Counseling has been a marriage saver for me. But we all need help, ADD or not, and a third party whether coach or counselor can be such a help. However, both parties have to buy into the plan. Abuse, whether verbal or physical, is unacceptable. It doesn't matter to me if it is attributable to ADD or personality. I write people out of my life who make me feel stupid or inadequate. Life is short and too short to be spend too much time with others who bring you down and make you suffer. Marriage is a little different, I think we owe it to our spouses to try our hardest and try all possible solutions but there comes a time when you realize that you have given it your best shot and you are still miserable. In the stories above it sounds like there are a number of people who have tried very hard to make things work. It sounds like too late their partners will find out how lucky they were to have had someone who tried so hard for so long without success or sustained reward. It is important that both sides put forth the effort, at some point you need to realize that things need to change. Easy for me to say, I know.

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Your SO is using his ADHD as an excuse, which if it continues virtually guarantees that your relationship will continue to suffer. His ADHD symptoms may be the reason why he is angry and doesn't adequately control his impulses. It's also likely why he is so defensive about your interactions. However, once he (and you) realize that, then it is his responsiblity to take meaningful action to change how his symptoms present themselves. Saying that he is his own best counselor may be fine...as long as he uses OTHER effective ways to control the symptoms (in other word, you can't control how he chooses to control his symptoms). But determining that he won't see a counselor and not trying other approaches is simply an abdication of responsibility.

You have the right to request that your spouse attempt to create an environment in which your basic needs are met within your marriage. In my mind that includes things such as respect for each other, genuine attempts at "give and take", and strong connections that fulfill you both. Your husband's refusal to deal with his ADHD injures all of those.

Ultimately, you will be too unhappy to stay in the marriage if you don't start standing up for yourself around these basic issues. The trick to doing this successfully is to think carefully about the overarching values that you hold and wish to preserve, then ask for those things rather than picking on him about every detail. A good example - you might say that you wish to both behave respectfully towards each other. This provides a good litmus test for you both. It means that you don't expect him to be your slave (that wouldn't be respectful of him!) but that you won't put up with bullying behavior. If he starts to bully you, you can CALMLY say "I think you are bullying me now, which I don't wish to put up with. I'm going to remove myself from the conversation until we can talk about it constructively." Also key to your success - make sure you also live by the values you choose. If you want him to be respectful of you, then you also need to behave respectfully towards him. Pick a few overarching concepts that are very important to you, and stick with them.

At the same time, he must address his ADHD issues. Don't dictate how he does this - he must decide. But do insist that this is important for your marriage. He simply cannot continue to use ADHD as an excuse to tromp all over you and expect that this behavior will create a relationship that anyone, yourself included, would like to stay in long term.

Best of luck with it!

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There are a number of resources out there. CHADD and ADDA have databases of counselors who have experience with ADHD issues - some of whom might be in your area. I have a blog that might give you some ideas for forward progress, and also offer phone counseling to couples. Ned Hallowell and his wife, Sue sometimes give weekend seminars that couples can attend (these, when they happen are posted at his website at drhallowell.com. Once you get going, an ADHD coach might help, too.

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Hopeful said: I've read and read on the site and I can/do relate to just about all that everyone is saying. What I have not been able to find is someone who can offer some help of some sort?? Surely there MUST be some sort of program out there that will offer help to spouses of those with ADHD. I won't bother to put down my whole story as it would just be an echo of all the others but (as others have said/indicated) I am DESPERATE for some help to know how to deal with the ADHD spouse. My marriage is pretty much non-existant and my kids are old enough now to notice the problems. I really try to shelter them as much as possible but they are growing up and I can't shelter them forever. I am SO DESPERATE.......... have thought of leaving MANY times but that is not what I want........ I love my husband and want to know how to go about making this work. I know I can't continue to go on doing absolutely everything, house work, yard work, parenting, bills, working etc etc alone it is really wearing me out now! Can anyone help or point me in the direction of a good book, website or program to help??

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He has a disorder, not cancer!!! He's the one who chooses how to treat everyone. Its your choice to stay there and take that abuse or to choose to leave and move on. You are so worthy of deserving more than being in an abusive relationship!!!! Know that you are loved - someone who loves you WILL NOT treat you like that!

I have ADD, take Vyvanse, and see a counselor to learn how to modify my behavior. The medication is not a miracle cure. It makes me view the world differently because my mind is now getting the right chemical cocktail that non-ADHD people already have. I was angry, highly agitated, irritated, couldn't focus, job hopped, etc.

I was diagnosed in 2008 and I still learn something new about this disorder all the time. I immerse myself in learning about my disorder so that I know the current treatments, medications, the differences it causes in men vs women, etc. The Vyvanse is the 2nd medication I've tried, what works for me may not work for him. Its trial and error finding the right medication. And he may have co-morbids along with his ADHD. But the important point is this: Its a lot of work to change my future behavior into what I want my life to be. I don't like who I was prior to medication. I'm more aware now of how my actions/reactions affect others.

Try google-ing ADD/ADHD, CHADD, coaches, etc. I live in a major city, but I've yet to find a doctor or counselor who specializes in adult ADD. There seems to be a lot of experts out there for children, but almost non-existent for adults. My pcp prescribes my medication for me, and I'm confident that he knows how to manage it because he listens to what I have to say about how I feel. My counselor specializes in sexual addiction, anger management, and couples therapy. While I don't have a sexual addiction or any other addiction (luckily), the areas she specializes in skirt the edges of my issues. The one website I constantly go to for acceptance because its not driven by experts in the field, but rather the person behind it has ADD. Its a support group for spouses of ADDers, those of us with it, or the entire family has it. ADDerWorld

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UptoMyEars... I'm routing for you. I think you may be on to the best solution for you, and I completely admire your desire to be true to yourself while this is being sorted out... being true to oneself isn't easy for anyone, let alone someone living with a loved one with a disorder. Just always remember, if he does not work this out for himself, he cannot be any good to you. By the way... it can be true that he feels his actions hurt him twice as much as they do you because he feels powerless to control it... but that still does not excuse it or negate the fact that there ARE ways to learn to control the worst of it. Sue... I hope things are looking up for you and that you’ve found the support you need to make the best decision for yourself & your child. It is incredibly important that your child does not grow up thinking that his father’s behavior is acceptable or the patterns will repeat. Be strong... and best wishes.

And kdog... You know, I hadn’t thought of that. I’d been in therapy on and off for ages before accepting my diagnosis, but there were still things that I was attempting to “fix” that I didn’t realize were part of the package for ADHD. If I’d have known, it may have been a much smoother process in some ways because I wouldn’t have been fighting to change myself and feeling worse due to failed attempts, I’d have been fighting for ways to adapt! Very good point, thank you.

Linda-ADHDx3... Thank you. ? And I hope that whatever you guilt you’re feeling at leaving is short lived because you’re doing the right thing. Your ADHD children need to see that even though they have a diagnosis, there are still basic behavioral skills they need to develop in order to maintain a relationship down the road. Not putting up any longer with Dad’s inability to handle his diagnosis appropriately sends them the message that people have the right to be treated well regardless of any disorder. And who knows? It may just be the kick in the pants that Dad needs to realize that not doing enough has the same results as not doing anything... and perhaps he’ll pursue the aid he needs.

As for me, I’m happy to report that there is progress on the road to the official medical diagnosis that I need in order to access help for a few issues I still need to address. My diagnosis so far was being informed off the record by my family doctor that it was likely, and a further analysis later by a truly remarkable psychologist. But not having it on medical record precludes me from certain accommodations I need at work since I can’t pursue ADA, and it’s starting to appear that I’ve made as much progress as possible without medication. It’s hard, and I’m sure that my SO is frustrated with me more often than he lets on (gotta love that man), and my daughter is definitely frustrated now that she’s old enough to realize how disorganized Mom can really be (forget a dozen or so forms and the kid thinks I don’t love her enough... yikes!). Time will tell, but it’ll work out.

Best of luck to all!

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I do not think this is fair. I think if people want a dog they should consider getting an older dog or make sure they have time for the puppy. If you dont spend time socializing and training your pupps it could become aggresive. A lot of people have their dogs put down because of aggresion but most of the time it is their fault because they didn't socialize it when it was young.

http://www.themodernman.com/

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Sandy said: As someone with ADHD, please let me respond to your concerns about leaving someone with the disorder.

Nicely said, Sandy! I couldn't agree more. ADD absolves no one of responsibility for getting along in the world. I would not want someone staying with me simply because she didn't want to hurt the poor mental cripple's feelings. I don't feel like a cripple and I don't want someone suffering because she can't make me understand my social ineptitude. Help is welcome, of course! But the best help is open communication. If I get too thick-headed to see that communication for what it is (a cry for consideration) , then I should pay the price for it. Try couples counseling first before leaving. If it's a no-go, then go. Be well.

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After a 14 year relationship with my ADHD spouse, I finally called it quits. I had the responsibility of taking care of the house; monitoring the homework of our ADHD child; keeping track of everyone's appointments; reminding my spouse of his appointments; paying bills; social director; need I continue? The mood swings and constant clutter were bothersome. I never knew which side of my spouse was going to show up, the loveable one or the angry one. When he started taking his anger out on our child with lectures about behavior and homework, I then had to become the mediator as well. Arguments started before school and our son was crying daily because he had difficulty getting up in the morning and getting ready for school and his Dad would start yelling. My spouse would leave for work and I was left cleaning up the wreckage of an emotional child plus trying to get him off to school on time. My husband was diagnosed ADHD at the same time our child was. He refused to try medication, refused counseling, and also either denied his behavior or said "this is just how I am." Mostly, he is a decent fellow, but the anger and the mediating took an emotional toll on both my child and myself and I finally had to leave. What I found out was that I had been acting as a single parent for a long time. My son is better adjusted emotionally and his Dad now spends more quality time with him. He also is better about remembering his own appointments in picking him up for visits. I took responsibilty for my spouse becauseI thought it was easier. I created a nightmare for myself and he didn't have to be responsible for himself or his behavior. Those of us who are caretakers need to look at our behavior and see are we helping or hurting the ones we love?

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