Hi. It sounds to me like you are trying to balance your concern for your son with respect for his right as an adolescent to make his own choices - a tricky position to be in. My best advice would be to identify areas that he is interested in or excels at, and then steer him towards activities/events centered around those interests. For example, if he's interested in technology, maybe visit a local tech expo, enroll in a video production class, sign up to tutor kids in this area, etc. The key is to help him find his passion and get involved in things that support that passion. I wouldn't necessarily explain your strategy to him - 13 year olds generally resist anything their parents tell them to do. Rather, I would point out events that might interest him and casually suggest "why don't we go check it out?". You might also ask questions designed to "flush out" areas of interest/passion in an attempt to spark an interest in doing something. I really believe that what's most important is doing what we love. People with similar interests generally gravitate to the same things and through interaction, relationship opportunities surface. Best wishes to you and your son.

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You may as well have been describing my (also 13 year old) son. He has no friends from school, sits at home and plays word games on the computer and watches television. Doesn't much like to talk to me or his father. Annoyed by his peers. Insists that he's old enough to make his own choices about people and how to spend his free time. I share your pain and frustration. I am heartsick all the time. His therapist is referring him to a social skills group, which as far as I know is the only thing that I can do for him at this point. So, I have no suggestions whatsoever but wanted you to know that someone else out there is going through exactly what you're going through. Good luck... I'll keep you posted about anything positive that comes from the group experience.

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thanks chinadoc - its always great to hear that you are not alone in a situation - thank you for sharing your story - oh its all so frustrating. we have been through the social skills workshop - 8 weeks - my son asked me why i put him in a workshop of mental cases - that was his summation of the whole thing - and i dont blame him one bit becuase i sat outside the door near the end of each session and it was pretty awful to say the least. i hope whatever group your son winds up in will be more helpful, but if your son is bright and annoyed by hyper kids he may have the same experience - i hope not. my sons 14th birthday is in a few weeks and once again he does not want to have a birthday party - no one to invite - its the worst feeling in the entire world - he has not wanted a party since his 10th birthday (before that we just forced it on him pretty much and invited everyone) - its a sad situation to see a bright young man, with so many talents and such a good sense of humor without those special social connections - really breaks my heart. but we keep plugging away and hope that one day things will improve for him....he is an only child so he has been around adults all his life and he is great with adults - could talk your ear off and all the adults who know him say the same things to me - oh he is so polite, smart, wonderful - gold to a mother's ears - but with peers it just doesnt seem to click - keep me posted on your son's experience and thanks again for sharing.

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Parents, I share your pain. My 13 year old son (add) who is in at G+T school, was severely bullied and harassed by his classmates in the 6th Grade (he's now in 7th). Because of rumors and character assassination by cruel peers, all the children stay away from him. He already is a shy, mellow, dude but completely engaging. He would love to have friends, but he is (rightfully) wary of letting down his guard now because of the situation last year. The school principal and guidance team responded weakly when we reported the harassment episodes last year, even though the NYC BOE chancellors code now has a zero tolerence policy for bullying. He has a wonderful time (and many friends) from sleep away camp every summer...and until last year had friends at school too. He's now in therapy for low self esteem and on a drug that helps social anxiety disorder. I'm thinking changing his school will help him. I hate him moping around, with only his parents, cat and computer for company. Anyone in my situation with advise?

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hello momnyc - i am not sure what a g+t school is - it must be something american - but regardless - i share your pain. my son was isolated in school also - while he had friends on the street and as you said at sleep away camps he had bunches - he could never get in anywhere at school. we did wind up switching schools in his 5th year and the new school certainly did make a big difference for him - it was in our own neighbourhood so he knew kids from around our home and he was able to make 1 or 2 friends that he could count on. if you are contemplating switching schools make sure that you go to the new school and find out exactly who his teacher would be - we only switched after we met the grade 5 teacher, spoke with him and saw that he was trully understanding of our sons situation - we made an action plan for the transfer and we were really fortunate that the teacher really took my son under his wing and made the transition very smooth - it was such a positive expereince for the whole family - but i really urge you to meet with the school administration and in particualr the teacher into whose classroom yoru son would be moving - if they are not on board then perhaps you need to seek another option - i was always scared that we woudl make things worse rather than better by moving our son - and you certianly dont want to wind up doing that . good luck please keep me posted on how things are going with your son - if i had a dollar for each time my son was teased or isolated i would be a very rich woman and i woudl buy a school for my son to fit into - if you know what i mean.

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rensob said: hi there I'm a mom of a 13 year old, 1st year high school student who has no friends. he has been unable to make/keep friends since i can remember - he does not seem to fit in anywhere, does not get invited to anything and basically sits at home all evening and plays games. he is very smart and says that kids his age have always annoyed him - he says he is concentrating on his academics but i have to wonder how lonely he is during his hour lunch break at school every day - he goes to a classroom and works on school work....i talk to him every evening asking him how we can get him involved, how we can help but he always says he is "fine" and we need to accept that this is the way he is - I don't buy it...I think deep down he is hurting seeing his peers having fun and doing normal teen things, hanging out, being invited places while he is always excluded. anyone out there with advise or in a similar situation - I would appreciate anything!!

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any teen ADD support groups out there? I have been to CHADD which focused on adult ADD and support for parents of ADD children - what about the teens? I would like to keep my son away from ever self-medicating his ADD in the future with peer pressure, etc. like his father did in his past and I believe still does in the present (we are divorced).

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Hello all, I have this same issue with my 13 yr old daughter. She tells me often that she is lonely and wants friends but it does not seem to happen. She is in the 8th grade and it breaks my heart to see her sit in the house with us and her dogs every weekend (or play with the 3rd grader next door) because she has not made friends her age that she can hang out with or even get invited to parties, etc. She asked me recently if she could me home schooled so that at least she would have me to talk to and be around instead of always being by herself. Like everyone else who has responded, she is a wonderful person to be around, but kids just don't give her a chance. They say things like "why are you so weird?" or " You are so annoying!" which are very hurtful things to say to someone who is so sensitive. The good thing is that right now her grades are not suffering, she gets all A's and B's, so I am happy about that, but is it too much to want her to have friends? I keep hearing that high school will be better because it is more kids and she will have a better chance of finding kids who want to be her friend. I just don't know what to do or what to expect. If there are any parents who want to network and form a group for our kids, I would be very interested, I live in Harbor City CA.

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I have a son and daughter with ADHD and I had a consult with the school guidance / therapist. My daughter is 13 and in social skills class. The therapist shocked me with her eval of my child. Preface this with my same comments everyone has given of their own ADHD kids...great, kind, can relate well to adults, no one gives her a chance, better with younger kids. My daughter is same, but not many friends the same age. How can they be so great and no one can see it??

The therapist said...in a word- obnoxious. My sweet daughter is obnoxious to the other kids. She talks on and on, always giving HER opinion, telling others what to do-lecturing, not paying attention to their social cues ( of boredom). She doesn't know how to 'relate' to other children, she acts like a mini-adult and that puts the other children off. She doesn't 'HEAR" the other kids, she doesn't see their point of view, she just wants to say what she wants to say, impulsively interacting. She is often negative when she is interrupted and ignored after she goes on and wants to be the center of attention ( by having everyone hang on her every word or see it her way. I was shocked.

The counselor said this is text book ADHD behavior and also common to only children. That is why the kids think she's 'weird". She uses adult language ( isolation from peers means more adult interaction and habits) and doesn't get the nuance of teen talk and interaction.

I've just started outside counseling, again, with her. She will join a social skills group for the summer months with other teen girls with friend problems. Initially, I was shocked by the counselor's words...but she told me this:"years will go by and guidance counselors and teachers will hem and haw and you will see no changes, get no real help. I am being brutally honest with you about your child. I want to help her. I know she is a good girl but she hasbad habits -I can relate because I was this child."

I now thank her, she made a leap other professionals would not, but I have come to realize it's true and I need to do something drastic. There is a problem and these other people haven't been doing us any favor. What we have started doing to start her in the right direction...is telling her to use only two sentences per topic. Watch people's eyes, Don't tell people what to do...even if they ask your opinion...just say two sentences on any topic. Good phrases to use to avoid conflict...we tell her to say "I don't know" or a variation of "hmmmm" when contronted with questions that lead to trouble -girls will talk about other girls and my daughter will instruct them about why it's wrong, what her opinion of it all is...it's best to avoid with those two phrases! We want her to be kind in the face of MEAN GIRL behavior, but her natural tendancy is to go on...so the phrases are the way to go until she can figure out how to limit herself to non judgmental two sentences.

Hope this helps. Good Luck ( I need it, too!)

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So great to see that I am not the only person out there... sometimes I feel so isolated. I have a beautiful,positive and engaging 13 year old boy! He is more than eager to make friends, but because of his ADD etc...he can not keep any friends. He is the kind of kid - that all the kids know, they say hello - but they steer clear of him. He is very immature for his age, says inappropriate things, tries to fit in, but eventually sounds odd or doesn't seem to intelligent-sometimes gets obsessed with things that he can't focus on anything else- like hats or bracelets-maybe 3 play dates a school year... no kids around- no birthday invites, end of the year parties. Super into sports and very athletic-- great hand eye coordination, yet his disabilities have so limited his potential. Has a great memory, that really has helped him stay a float in school- but terrible comprehension-- He is in the 6th grade, not the only 13 year old but definitely one of the very few-- It is completely and utterly depressing. My husband and I rack our brain at night to try and find a place where he can practice his social skills-we are contemplating on sending him away to a 18 day summer camp for ADHD kids because we really feel he needs to gain confidence and independence- but I am very scared to send him for that long, I get worried if we are really setting him up for success- being out of the controlled safe environment of his home. We do have a lot to be thankful for -- luckily he is very resilient and keeps on trying, he's positive happy and friendly.... but with no friends!! Heartbreaking!!! Any advice is appreciated!!

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Tthere seems to be a fair bit of consensus here about all our kids being the kind and wonderful people that we want them to be BUT... they're all struggling to develop friends. So what does that tell us? Maybe they really do have all those good traits inside them but perhaps they're not displaying them consistently when they are out and about with their peers at school and other places in the community. Yes, even the neighborhood kids can be overheard complaining about our kids.

I know my son has some wonderful kind and caring qualities but when he is not within a carefully structured and monitored activity, his impulsiveness tends to take over his brain and his mouth! Social maturity is not one of strong points with ADHD kids or teens. Sure, we may have taught them all the social graces but they don't always remember to use them. Meds really helped him play with his friends in acceptable ways. They didn't know he had begun meds but they all commented to their parents about how he was nice to be around now and he would play board games with them without 'wrecking' the fun!

I observed a young girl the other day making some horrific social gaffes when interacting with a new group of peers. She was wanting to impress them but instead ended up turning them off by her know-it-all behaviors, trying to outdo or 'one-up' each one of them every time one of the other kids spoke. When I tried to take her aside to talk with her about what was happeing, I was ignored because she knew all about this stuff!

A few days later, I overheard the same group of kids discussing her and what word did I hear being used to describe her? You bet! The same word that Momatude heard from her daughter's therapist- OBNOXIOUS! The kids were totally turned off by this young girl's refusal to listen to another person't point of view (when they could manage to 'wedge' a word into the conversation) and her claims about her vast knowledge on such a huge number of things made them furious! Even they knew the girl was just spouting off without any real knowledge. End of story? The kids didn't want to see her again because she was just too obnoxious!

Interestingly enough, I saw this same girl perform beautifully (socially) with two adults. The best manners were on display, polite questions were being asked of the adults and they were even allowed to speak! She didn't try to monipolize the conversation this time. All in all, the adults were impressed with her manners and asked if she would like to visit again. Unfortunately, within a group of peers, many ADHD kids get all revved up and go into hyperdrive. Every social nicety and manner that they have ever been taught goes flying out the door when they're aiming to impress peers.

So we need to spend lots of time talking with our kids about these issues. I'm all for letting them know that they are often socially behind their peers on picking up on those all important social cues that their peers are giving off to show what they're thinking and feeling.

We need to get our kids to really start being detectives on social cues. What do their faces look like? Are they smiling/frowning? Are they agreeing with what I'm saying or are they disagreeing and starting to get upset or mad? We need to model this with our kids, point out these same kind of clues seen on the faces of actors/actresses on their favorite TV shows. Then discuss why the events the characters reacted like they did. Make a game out of it and have them see who can guess the emotion/social cues and what prompted the actors reactions.

Yes, they are great kids when they use the social graces needed to develop and keep friends. Non-stop talking and being a know-ot-all doesn't make friends for them.

At a certain age, being the class clown loses it charm as well. Working in a school, I've had lots of opportunity to overhear what the kids are saying about the class clown and most of it isn't good. The younger kids think its funny The older students laugh when they see the student doing 'it' (middle school) but later on they're all discussing student X's pathetic behavior trying to get attention. The kids are being mean, they're just being honest with each other. As adults, we often have a hard time dealing with our kids behavior yet we then expect other KIDS to be all forgiving.

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I had a big ephiphany when I read this thread. i suddenly realized the root of my son's problems making friends. "Energized" August 10th 2010 WAS SO RIGHT! My family and I have these problems with my son when we have conversations and talk - Just as Energized described! Of course the other kids can't cope with this rigid and know-it-all type behavior. AT first I did blame the other kids as being bullies but I said to myself "God if he talks like this to me - no wonder the other kids don't stay friends with him". My son is very smart and has a good nature. This has nothing to do with it. It's the way he comes across to other kids. My son didn't want to go to the social skills group either - By virtue of his problem he can't even understand that something is off about him. When he gets desperately lonely I can broach the subject about what the problem could be. I can only give him bits and pieces of advice or he becomes agitated - a mix of not wanting to acknowledge that he interprets things differently and the memory of the pain of being ostracized by his peers. I told him to think of it as the other kids speak a different language and you have to learn how they communicate. I told him to listen better and not try so hard to make a point. He doesn't like to listen but I think he absorbs some of it. Kids like this have more trouble in high school if they don't learn to do more "cooperative communication". Sometimes to fit in as they get older they are attracted to other kids who are the fringe and may drink or do drugs during which time these kids feel accepted. It's a sad thing so even if your kid doesn't want to listen - you have to find a way (through you or a professional) for them to be able to talk to other kids in the "kid" language - Not their "adultesque - know-it all style. Why is it that we can teach them spanish and math and not social skills? It's because they have no social skills! MOMATUDE did that with her child - She taught her daughter new skills "Use only two sentences per topic. Watch people's eyes, Don't tell people what to do...even if they ask your opinion...just say two sentences on any topic. Good phrases to use to avoid conflict...we tell her to say "I don't know" or a variation of "hmmmm" when confronted with questions that lead to trouble -girls will talk about other girls and my daughter will instruct them about why it's wrong, what her opinion of it all is...it's best to avoid with those two phrases! You are right on Momatude! Fran weebkids@aol.com

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Someone mentioned that there are little support groups for teens with ADHD.. I too joined CHADD which is geared more towards little kids. A little advice that I have found helps my daughter. Her Neurologist has diagnosed her with ADHD, sleeping disorder, ADHD, anxiety and asperger's. She only has some characteristics of Asperger's but those were the ones that cause her problems socially and after years of fighting labels on my child I decided to give her every label so I could get her the help she needs at school. She is exempted from PE class due to the anxiety and has an IEP under the Other Health Impaired title. Originally she only had a 504. With the IEP she has an ESE teacher who monitors her monthly and when issues arise, it has helped immensely, There are still problems as my daughter is an easy target for super mean kids.......but it's better.

Also, I just started a facebook group "Parents of teenage girls with ADHD". Maybe one of the parents of teenage boys can start a group for the parents of boys. I am hoping our group will become a place for parents with teens to seek and share advice as well as provide comfort and be comforted.

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Yes I went through this with my child and we have survived and have some success. I never tell him I notice things that are different and I always made him think he was helping me or other kids that are going through things I never let on that I was worried about him or I thought he was different than any other kid. I did what others said , found things that he was interested in like sports or classes. I secretly told teachers or coaches about my social concerns so they could be aware support him and encourage any potential friendships.

If I had friends ect who had kids of any age I would invite them and their kids over. IF i had relatives with kids of any age i would invite them over. Sometimes if they have lost confidence in who they are having a kid who is younger is less intimidating. I would tell him he was doing me a favor entertaining these kids so i could talk to the grownups. If he seemed to talk to anyone i had the leader assign them to work to gether pair them up encourage it behind his back. I would ask about this kid and encourage him to invite him to something that was a short limited amount of time with limited social interaction ie: a movie. If that went well, a short limited amount of time that required more interaction where I was present ie as a driver, in the house to observe and intercede if necessary. This connected them somewhat gave them common good experiences with which to build a relationship on. I would encourage these relationships like I was trying to build a fire, a little bit more kindeling, blowing on it. add some wood, watch , blow ect. He has established a few friends, he is accepted, he still is not a social seeking person but he is content, and has an outlet. Hope this helps.

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