Hi Im 37 year old guy and got to realize that I suffer from ADHD just two months back.

When I came across your post I looked back to my own past and also the recent reading that I have done on ADHD for understanding myself.

I can only advice you this much:

1) You need to spend a good amount of time reading books and forums in understanding how ADHD people suffer.

2) Your guy doesnt even have a clue that such thoughts are bothering you. So think before you bring up this topic else he may become irritated and lose his temper.

3) ADHD's have a very very short attention span. They lose interest quickly if it becomes mundane or boring. If you need to sustain this relationship then you need to make it stimulating and exciting for him. Observe what he liked doing most of the time, what excites him and then make your plan accordingly wheneveryou are with him. He should then look forward to being wih you.

4) I would also suggest that you get involved in his therapy meetings so you are able to understand him better and give him the right kind of support.

5) Food with artifical colourings/preservatives/MSG/Aspartame can aggravate ADHD and hence I would suggest that you help him in managing this.

6) Exercise/Meditation/Yoga/Alpha-Delta-Theta brain wave therapy can calm his mind considerably and probably i would be good if both of you get involved in these kind of activities.

7) Buy gifts that aid him in coping with ADHD symptoms. It could be white lights in his bedroom, Timereader clocks and alarms, softwares which can help him manage his goals, tasks and subtasks, key and wallet finders, ADHD music. You got to offer this without making it too obvious that it is for his illness.

8) Most ADHD people lack self discipine and with thoughts bombarding him every second he just dont have the working memory to concentrate on his tasks with high priority. He needs to learn new life skills to work with ADHD. If you have the budget and time then a ADHD coach would be a great help for him.

9) His ADHD symptoms doesnt allow him to think or focus for a very long time on a task which requires planning and effort and would take some time to finish. so if you can teach him backward scheduling you will see a major improvement in his way of managing a task. for eg: You decided with him at 10 am for a date at 4pm. For him to reach the exact place at 3.50 you need to help him break up that tasks into sub tasks. Remember add lot of buffers for every task.

3.50 - At the table

3.40 - Car is parked and it takes 5 minutes to walk upto that place. Give that extra 5 minutes of buffer as its a tendency for ADHD's to get distracted.

3.15 - Drive out of the house. It may be just 15-20 mins drive but again add that buffer.

2.50 - dress up. Buffer again.

2.15 - Shower and shave. Buffer again

10.00 - After you have agreed with him for a date he needs to check if his clothes are ironed, undergarments, socks, money and whatever is required for the date is ready with him.

Tell him he will only stick to this schedule ev if something else comes up which is just plain distraction to delay him.

This is backward scheduling.

10) Out of sight is out of mind. And this is ver true for people with AHDD. The few days you were away while you were moving house was enough for the ADHD symptoms to act on him. Either you get him involved in your house moving or else you need to do some alternate arrangement to keep in touch.

11) If you can get him off the medicines as quickly as possible then you wll do him lot of good. these are drugs which has a temporary effect and can be addictive in the long run to lead to substance abuse. Alernative treatments are the way to a healthy life.

The list goes on.....

And lastly all this needs to be done tactfully or else he will feel smothered or clingy.

I know its tough to do all this for a relationship but look at this from the positive side.

He is the most exciting guy to be with.

He can be very creative and innovative.

With the right emtional support he can build a life which will give you all the lxuries a couple or family would aspire.

We are taught to be a good teacher, doctor, engineer but never a good lover or a wife or a mother. Living with a ADHD person will make you a person who is emotionally very strong, build your perseverance, compassionate, loving, caring and faithful person.

Good Luck!!!

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Hi Im 37 year old guy and got to realize that I suffer from ADHD just two months back.

When I came across your post I looked back to my own past and also the recent reading that I have done on ADHD for understanding myself.

I can only advice you this much:

1) You need to spend a good amount of time reading books and forums in understanding how ADHD people suffer.

2) Your guy doesnt even have a clue that such thoughts are bothering you. So think before you bring up this topic else he may become irritated and lose his temper.

3) ADHD's have a very very short attention span. They lose interest quickly if it becomes mundane or boring. If you need to sustain this relationship then you need to make it stimulating and exciting for him. Observe what he liked doing most of the time, what excites him and then make your plan accordingly wheneveryou are with him. He should then look forward to being wih you.

4) I would also suggest that you get involved in his therapy meetings so you are able to understand him better and give him the right kind of support.

5) Food with artifical colourings/preservatives/MSG/Aspartame can aggravate ADHD and hence I would suggest that you help him in managing this.

6) Exercise/Meditation/Yoga/Alpha-Delta-Theta brain wave therapy can calm his mind considerably and probably i would be good if both of you get involved in these kind of activities.

7) Buy gifts that aid him in coping with ADHD symptoms. It could be white lights in his bedroom, Timereader clocks and alarms, softwares which can help him manage his goals, tasks and subtasks, key and wallet finders, ADHD music. You got to offer this without making it too obvious that it is for his illness.

8) Most ADHD people lack self discipine and with thoughts bombarding him every second he just dont have the working memory to concentrate on his tasks with high priority. He needs to learn new life skills to work with ADHD. If you have the budget and time then a ADHD coach would be a great help for him.

9) His ADHD symptoms doesnt allow him to think or focus for a very long time on a task which requires planning and effort and would take some time to finish. so if you can teach him backward scheduling you will see a major improvement in his way of managing a task. for eg: You decided with him at 10 am for a date at 4pm. For him to reach the exact place at 3.50 you need to help him break up that tasks into sub tasks. Remember add lot of buffers for every task.

3.50 - At the table

3.40 - Car is parked and it takes 5 minutes to walk upto that place. Give that extra 5 minutes of buffer as its a tendency for ADHD's to get distracted.

3.15 - Drive out of the house. It may be just 15-20 mins drive but again add that buffer.

2.50 - dress up. Buffer again.

2.15 - Shower and shave. Buffer again

10.00 - After you have agreed with him for a date he needs to check if his clothes are ironed, undergarments, socks, money and whatever is required for the date is ready with him.

Tell him he will only stick to this schedule ev if something else comes up which is just plain distraction to delay him.

This is backward scheduling.

10) Out of sight is out of mind. And this is ver true for people with AHDD. The few days you were away while you were moving house was enough for the ADHD symptoms to act on him. Either you get him involved in your house moving or else you need to do some alternate arrangement to keep in touch.

11) If you can get him off the medicines as quickly as possible then you wll do him lot of good. these are drugs which has a temporary effect and can be addictive in the long run to lead to substance abuse. Alernative treatments are the way to a healthy life.

The list goes on.....

And lastly all this needs to be done tactfully or else he will feel smothered or clingy.

I know its tough to do all this for a relationship but look at this from the positive side.

He is the most exciting guy to be with.

He can be very creative and innovative.

With the right emtional support he can build a life which will give you all the lxuries a couple or family would aspire.

We are taught to be a good teacher, doctor, engineer but never a good lover or a wife or a mother. Living with a ADHD person will make you a person who is emotionally very strong, build your perseverance, compassionate, loving, caring and faithful person.

Good Luck!!!

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Last Thursday he called me and wanted to talk to me. So he came over and told me that he only wants to be friends with me. He told me about a couple of things about about me that really irritate him. One, the fact that sometimes I take too long to answer a question. Two, sometimes I just need to go off for a walk alone and he doesn't know if it's because of him or what. He said he knows these aren't bad things, but they bother him. He said he needs time to get things done that he needs to do and that I am a distraction. He works in the mental health field and works 40 hours a week and also does 4 overnight sleeps per week (which is down from 5-6 per week).

I think a couple of things have happened. One, he has gone beyond the head over heels falling in love stage and sees that I am not perfect and two, he is overwhelmed and knows that he can't quit his job or stop spending time with his kids, so he stops seeing me.

He is still calling me every night to tell me good night and tell me about his day. And so while I am very, very upset, I am giving him the time and space he needs and not being clingy. I don't know if he will come back and want to be in a relationship or not. I told him that I am here if that is what he decides. I don't know what else to do. I can't understand this sudden change in him. Just two weeks ago he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I love this man so much and I don't know what else to do.

Thank you for your response.

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Be assured that he needs you or else he wouldn’t be calling. Men do that by saying they just want to be a friend but expect everything that a lover would do. He’s overwhelmed by his work and kids.

Take it easy. But keep in touch. Like I said out of sight is out of mind. It could either be an end here or only gets better.

He needs to accept you as you are. Nobody is perfect. And so no relationship can be perfect. Its all about compromises and adjustments with healthy dollops of love and care.

Maybe you could offer to take the kids out during the weekend.

And I truly believe that if you can help him find a ADHD coach who works on alternative therapy then the coach would be a major support for him and for you to build a truly satisfying relationship.

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Again, thank you for your reply. I really value your input. It's so hard for me to know what to do. If it were any other man, I wouldn't even answer the phone when he calls, but I know that this isn't all coming from him, but from the ADHD.

I do email him almost daily, not in a clingy way but to send him a photograph that I took or tell him about something I saw or did etc. Like I said, we talk on the phone. But I don't think he wants to see me face to face and I'm not sure why. He cried just as much as I did when he came over to talk to me last week. So maybe it is difficult for him to see me?

I'm not giving up on him, but I am trying to be realistic. That's why I am here, to learn as much as I can.

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His crying only shows his helplessness.

He needs help but being a man his ego doesnt allow him to ask for help.

Maybe you should suggest one day to go with him and meet a adhd coach.

While you learn all about the symptoms of adhd; try to understand the coping skills used by different members and help him implement the same.

I have lost my job, my relationship and im in pits. But im not going those medicines. Last night after reading brian tracy's book on self discipline i made my plans for today. Went off to sleep at 9 pm so that wake up at 5 am and workout.

But from 1 am I been awake and all my plans for the day is gone for a toss. Dont know how i will search for a job in this state.

Its 6.50 am here in Dubai and ill catch up with some sleep till 10.

Good Luck. He needs you.

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I'm so sorry for your losses. This is such a horrible illness because no one can understand it from the outside looking in. What you said about not sleeping sounds so much like my former boyfriend. When I would sleep at his house he would get up in the middle of the night because he couldn't sleep.

I can't suggest going to a coach with him because he won't see me in person. And last night he didn't call (he does over nights at work from Sunday-Thursday along with day time hours). I can't call him because he is at work. All I can do is send an email once in awhile.

Your input really does help me understand things a little better. I just hope he knows that I'm still here for him and I honestly don't care if he has ADHD or any other illness for that matter.

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I will tell you this right here and right now, being in a relationship with an ADHD man is incredibly diffuclt & challanging . I know first hand what your going through simply because I am ADD woman who has been in a relationship with ADHD man for 8 yrs . Now granted neither him or I have any kids , but we have both struggled indivually in our lives with disorder or neurological challanged brain ( lol lol little bit of ADD humor) fact of the matter is if you really love this man , you got just chill out and be patient , but in the mean time you need to educated yourself on ADHD and to understand that ADHD people need a routine , they need structure as well as lots and lots of patients . I can see how his ADHD brain is drained by his work , and let me tell you when an ADHD person is mentally worn out , they are also physically worn out and just need some time to recharge their battery . If he won't see you in person when meeting with his ADHD life coach , then how about asking the coach to keep you informed of his progress with his permission of course. The ADHD life coach will tell him that if he really wants to have a relationship with you that he's going to have to learn how to communicate , but in turn your going to have to learn how to communicate better by trying understand his ADHD. Finally ADHD people some times have a hard time showing their emotions & communicating , they some times are impulsive & tend to be forgetful or just get distracted easly . Some ADHD people do well with medication but then again some ADHD people do better alternative treatment with vitamines .

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My sister has ADHD but her relationship with her husband is very strong. Her husband is a patient man himself and puts in more of an effort to understand his wife.

My own sister keeps on ready new stuff online on how to maintain a good relationship with your "other half"...

I think you should read up more on how to handle the problem of your loved one.

Good luck!:-)

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Thanks again for the responses. I really appreciate them. He does not have an ADHA coach (at this point he wouldn't even listen to a suggestion of having one). The only thing he does it takes medication for it and even then he doesn't manage it well. There are times when he has to be awake at work during his overnight times and so he takes extra meds. When he changed our relationship from lovers to just friends, he was on four days of no meds. I know this because when he called me on Friday night all wound up because he couldn't sleep he was back on meds.

I have a question, does an ADHD person sometimes go through a time where they are a completely different person? I say this because he doesn't even sound the same on the phone. Every once in awhile there is a certain laugh that he does and I know it's him (and hearing this laugh kills me because it is one of those things about him that I love), but for the most part there is a different tone and sound to his voice.

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ADHD people have a tendency some times to get so imersed in what they are doing @ the moment that some times their personality can change . Alot of times ADHD people get so hyperfoucsed on what they are doing they for get about other things that are going , so there for when ever he's at work he's so hyperfocused on work that when ever he talks to on the phone , that because of his hyperfocus wont' allow him to focus on you & the conversation he is having with you . Maybe you two should try texting each other while he is at work and gets a break .

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I continue to be confused by this man's behavior. He says he only wants to be friends, but is still calling me at least once per day. He always tells me he calls me because there is something that he wanted to tell me. When he calls from home he is so wound up, laughing, saying things to make himself laugh.

I honestly don't know what to do. He doesn't want to see me. So part of me says to ignore his calls, walk away from him, give him space. But a part of me feels that he needs me and I am the only one he can complain about everything to, his ex-wife, his kids, his job etc. He is obviously over stressed at work.

I am thinking of getting some counseling, just so I can talk to someone who can help me figure out what is going on with him and how to help. I feel like the man I know and love disappeared two weeks ago and was replaced with this other man.

I just want to be here for him in whatever capacity he needs me, but I don't know how to do it. And why doesn't he want to see me? I miss him, the old him so much.

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wordweaver - I'm a 38 yo guy that has ADD and I'll echo what others have said about relationships. While I've known about and been managing this issue for a while, I still do things like forget my anniversary, get so into my work that i forget to call home, get distracted during conversations, etc. But its not a constant state and I can still maintain a relationship because while ADD is a pain, being aware of it is half the battle.

While we only have a small insight into your relationship, I get the sense that ADD is not the core problem here but its probably amplifying everything. I'm just guessing, but it does seem that he has too much going on and may be shutting down because he has a hard time juggling the demands on him. Just having visiting rights could be wiping him out - I have two young girls and they exhaust me. When I'm overwhelmed with stuff and I have a hard time finding a direction, I'll end up focusing on things that are easy and simple to maintain or that give immediate reward, and can neglect things that take more energy and focus.

My only thoughts for you are that maybe, despite what a great guy he is, it may not be worth devoting so much energy to him until he gets his things in order. It certainly doesn't seem, from what you're saying, that the grief he's giving you is not a fair price to pay for continuing the relationship as it is. I'm sure if you shared your thoughts with him in a neutral way and offered support (but didn't force it), he would be receptive. One thing I do know is that if he's struggling because of his ADD, and he knows it, he's probably feeling like a failure a lot of the time and a critical/pushy tone will actually make him disengage more. In other words, he feels bad enough that any additional 'questioning' of how he's behaving will make him feel worse about himself. It doesn't make sense but that's how I react when I'm having problems with focus and managing my life.

Of course I could be completely wrong - it wouldn't be the first time! In any case, good luck and don't be so hard on yourself. Having ADD can be tough, but a lot of us have a tendency to make things worse for ourselves, even with support...

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Coastsider, You may be right. This is what I am trying to figure out now. Like I said, he works 40 hours per week plus does 4 overnights per week at a residential home for the mentally ill. He gives of himself there, he does when his kids are up for the weekend and he always felt he needed to cater to me when I was at his house. He has not had a vacation in over a year. I suspect he is burnt out and he let go of the one thing that he could which was me. Just before this happened he kept saying that he should quit his job which we both know is not a practical thing to do. I won't say much, just that he has had a very rough time at work during the last several weeks. I also think he may be a little scared because I am on the verge of getting my master's degree and I just moved into my own apartment (empty nest for me while he still has two young children) and I am living alone for the first time in my life. When he made the decision, he was on 4 days of no meds because there are times when he has to be alert overnight and so since he is up, he takes more meds. I don't know if that makes a difference.

It's been over a week now since he changed his mind about us and I am able to step back and look at things without tears in my eyes all the time. I'm 44 years old, been married and divorced twice, been in and out of several relationships and will very strongly say that this one was different. If there is such a thing as soul mates (and I didn't believe it before him) then we are soul mates. we could stare into each other' eyes for moments at a time and so much would pass between us.

I am not giving up on this man and this is why I am here. I need to know what I should do. And if the best thing to do is to not answer the phone when he calls for awhile, then that is what I will do. If the best thing for me to do is answer the phone and be his friend, then that is what I will do. I know that if things were turned around, he wouldn't give up on me.

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I'm new to the forums and haven't figured where to post my questions or how to post a new topic.

I have a 15 1/2 year old son with ADHD who often cannot verbalize his feelings/needs but feels free to use the computer or phone to message/text girls he hardly knows (or a friend told him about and he's never even met) and ask them to be his girlfriend. Has anyone dealt with this phase and can you please guide me to the right forum?

Thanks for your patience/understanding.

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