Hey what's up everyone ... I'm doing ok I guess , Jeremy & I have been busy the last couple of week trying to get ready for fall to come , trying to get done as much of the outside work arround the trailor because we know in the next couple of months it's going to get cold and we won't be able to do any kind of yard work. Jeremy & I are doing ok we have our good days and our bad days but @ the end of the day all that matter's is that we are together . It's now been 4 months since I gave William up , i'm not going to sit here & lie and tell you that my heart isn't still broken , that my arms don't still ache to hold my little boy ( fact is I do not think they will ever stop aching) it wouldn't matter how many childran I have in the future , I can never resplace William nor would I ever want to replace him . I'm doing my best to try to go on with my life , Jeremy & I start a family of our own , get a litte dog and live the rest of our lives out until god says it's time to come with him . The only pictures of William that I have that give me comort is two pictures that I recieved in the mail a month after I gave him up , it makes me feel so much better looking @ those pictures knowing that his adoptive parents are taking good care of him , that he's getting all his needs met but @ the same time it's still hard to think about spending the next 10-12 yrs not getting to see my little boy grow up & become a man , every day I pray that one day we will be reunited and that William not have any resentment or anger towards me for giving him up the way I did . These days I try hard to stay busy so to distract myself from that empty feeling that I have in my heart of where William use to be , but it's still hard not think of him every single day , not to wonder what he's doing , how he's doing in school , this yr he's in 3rd grade and way above things for his age level ( thankful I have such a smart kid) any way I have my days where I just want to cry & then I have my days where I just don't want to think about it , I have my days where I don't want to think about him at all ( because mostly I miss him and partly because I am haunted by all the mystakes I made with him when I had custdy of him ) I have taken down several of his pictures down off the walls simply because it's just a reminder to me ( personally ) to how I failed as a mother plus it just hurts too darn bad to see those pictures knowing where he's @ and that he's not here with me where he truly belongs. Jeremy has told me now that he would love for us to have a child of our own ( I guess him turning 30 has completely turned him ) of course I haven't exzactly said no but have stated that if god wants to have a child , then it will happen when it's time . I try not to think about too much simply because I go back & forth from not feeling like I deserve to have a 2nd chance & have another child to I do deserve a 2nd chance . I know that I would definately not make the same mystakes I made with William , I have definately learned alot in the last yr of what makes a good parent . Well it's getting late I just wanted to drop a line & give everyone an update of what's going on . Hope everyone has a blessed weekend!!!

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