OK lets see if i can be of any help as we are a bit farther down the road. My son is now 10 years old and in the 5th grade. He was tested privately by a pediatric neuropyschiatrist. He is currently treated by a psychiatrist for his meds. My son presented in K similiar to your son. i tried all the time outs, behavior modification and thought that i needed to take something away because he was being naughyy etc... Well let me tell you. The frontal lobe on these little guys is not firing and giving them the cue that hitting, or moving too fast, or shouting or jumping is not acceptable behavior at school or home. Most boys who present with ADHD are 6 months to 1 year emotional delayed behind the girls. Fine motor skills are also a major factor for these kids as it is tough to slow that brain down in order to concentrate on writing or coloring. I started my son on stimulant medication in 1st grade. It was a rocky road finding the right balance of what worked for him. It might be possible that your son is actually under medicated if he is still having trouble at school. Some medicines come in a tablet form. My husband and i sometimes have had to cut a tablet in half or quarters to find the right dosage to be able to give our son. Of course as a mom my main objective is trying to give my son the least amount of medicine with the best affect for him. By the way i am a strong believer in medicating while the kids are in school for the year. The social friendships and confidence that they gain is amazing..They get the chance to succeed, to go where they deserve to go. To be loved, liked and have great friends llike they deserve. Instead of taking things away he needs a behavioral modification approach the gives him positive reinforcement. For instance...when he gets in line when the teacher asks he gets a check mark. If he keeps his hands to himself he gets another checkmark, Then at the end of the day maybe he counts up all his check marks and picks something out of a special toy chest just for him .( you may need to supply some small items instead of relying on the teacher for this). We need to look for when he is being good, and catching him at that not when he is having trouble. i will leave you with one lst word of wisdom..... these kids need tons of structure, structure, structure. My best to you...take it one day at a time.

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Well thank you Patiencemama, I am doing just as you said and taking it one day at a time. The only thing that makes me think he that he does not need additional medication is because he knows when he hits and he does it intentional. That is what I am having a tough time figuring out why? I also am lacking in the structure department but I am trying my best to get in a routine with him. It's just a little tough when you have an 11 month old on her own schedule and a 32 yr old BF that is not a routine follower. That's a whole other issue in itself, but I appreciate your response and I am trying to have faith that we'll overcome his abusing other.

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I work in a school, and I couldn't help but respond to your post. I've seen staff and teachers who punish ADHD children with the loss of recess, and I completely disagree with it. Honestly, ADHD kids probably need recess more than anyone! Often times, recess is a time when the kid with ADHD can feel like they can relax and have some fun. It's the only real time during the school day to develop the often lagging social skills. When I've seen it happening, I speak to the Administrators (Principal, etc). I also have a child who has ADHD. If her school took away recess, I would speak to the Principal, if that didn't work, I'd go over their head until I had someone listening. Teachers and school staff do have tough jobs. But they can give a 5 or 6 minute delay to recess if necessary. It makes the point, and doesn't futher stunt the child's development. My daughter just turned 6 and has struggled with behavioral problems, and it's been difficult sometimes when she has a bad day at school, because I can't fix it. It's way too late after the fact. Half the time, she doesn't even remember it. I talk to her about what the teacher said or wrote in an email or note, but I don't punish her that long after the fact because it loses it's meaning. Instead we problem solve and generate alternatives that she could have done. I feel that yelling at or punishing a child does very little to teach them the skills and behaviors, so we talk about them, think about them and sometimes practice them. That seems to work better for my daughter and the kids that I've worked with at school. Good luck, and don't be so judgemental of yourself. It's hard enough to parent a "normal" kid (I have one of those too), but it's 10 times harder to parent a kid who has behavioral challenges.

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You mentioned that your son "tries to be good, but just can't" -- sounds like an impulse control issue. Children with ADHD tend to act before they think, often unable to control their initial response to a situation. The ability to "self-regulate" is compromised; they can't modify their behavior with future consequences in mind.

This article has some good ideas you might try. The classroom solutions require his teacher's participation, but if you can get everyone on the same page, it might work. There are also solutions you can put into place at home.

Impulse Control: Helping ADHD Kids Manage Their Behaviors

I hope this helps. Dena

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Just want to say thanks to all of the replies and I will defintely look into the article and I agree with what you said Lin and I will try to take that approach. One question though, if he hits for no reason at all, how do you get to the bottom of that and what kind of punishment does that deserve? I am going to try and practice at home other things he can do in those situations and see if he utilizes them. Thanks again to you both.

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I am very much in the same boat as you. I have a 5 year old who tends to be aggressive and impulsive.

I really don't think your son is hitting 'on purpose' per se. Remember than intentionally hurting someone requires some level of premeditated action and justification in carrying out the action (insisting it was ok to hit because the other child upset him somehow). If he knows it is wrong, apologizes and he's doing it anyway regardless of consequences then you can bet it is an impulse control issue. He's likely very upset that he can't seem to control it.

An example I can give that made it very clear for me was the issue of my son and our cat last year when he was 4. My son would chase the cat all the time. He would pounce on him and got really aggressive with the cat. Of course the cat will only take so much before the claws come out! My son was covered in scratches that would make him cry. We'd talk about how the cat is telling him to stop, and this is what happens if he doesn't stop bothering the cat. He felt very badly and understood that it wasn't nice and said sorry to the cat...and then 5 minutes later he was at it again!! This went on for weeks, despite time-outs and everything...but once the cat gashed him across the eyelid, I had to put an end to it and we gave the cat away. The point is that he just couldn't control himself, even to the point of injury.

Regarding medication, if what he is taking isn't helping his impulse control it may be time to try another medication or up his dosage (I'm not a doctor, this is what I would consider for my son who is 5 and a half). It should at the very least be helping him with his self control. Medications aren't meant to be the answer, but at least with my son he is far more able to calm down and listen, and his impulses are much better, though far from perfect of course.

The teacher that commented above really hit the nail on the head regarding punishment of ADHD kids in schools. This stems from a preconceived notion (and personal opinions of staff) that "these kids" just need firm discipline to make them cooperate and listen. Taking away recess would be detrimental to these kids and will only make them resent their teacher, which will in turn make their behaviour worse. I would ask for a resource teacher (or someone who can look into special services that might be available where you live). How does his teacher handle him? If she has him flagged as a trouble-maker or if she insists on using negative consequesnces, I would talk to the principal next. If she seems offended, then just let her know it is in her best interest as well the best interest of the other children in the classroom. You need to remember that it is also in your son's best interest to get help if he needs it. If the principal can get your son hooked up with an aid (even temporarily) it can make a huge difference in the classroom. The teacher also needs to make notes of what was going on when these things happen so that everyone can see if there is some pattern or trigger for the outbursts. With my son, it has a lot to do with minor injustices (someone took a crayon without asking, etc) but there were hardly ever moments where there was truly "no reason". He may even say it was for no reason because he's embarrassed and he knows there's no reason big enough to excuse hitting. Or the other child may say it was for no reason because they don't want to admit having stolen his crayon and they don't want the blame cast onto them.

In the meantime, I would suggest (actually something I will be talking to my son's teacher about tomorrow at parent-teacher interviews), setting up a reward system rather than a punishment system. Biggest difference between punishments and rewards is that punishments are after the fact, and the damage has been done. It focuses on the bad behaviour and makes him feel badly about himself. Rewards might get him thinking about how to avoid hitting before it happens. It might help him feel more in control and motivated. Ask him what would be a good reward and go from there. If he wants a hot wheels race track for example, you figure out how many stars, points, stickers etc he needs to earn it (but don't make it take too long especially at the beginning, it needs to be within reach and he needs to see that it is worth the effort, because the effort will be huge for him).

Sorry for the long response...fingers are numb now... :oP Good luck

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Aimee said: My almost 6 year old has been diagnosed with ADHD. He just started Kindergarten and comes home on RED everyday. (This meaning his conduct was bad) His teacher tells me that he hits kids for no reason, anywhere at anytime. He also does not respond to consequences. He has been sitting out of recess since the first day of school and it does not bother him one bit. I have followed up with punishment at home with spanking and he knows that if he hits, then he gets spanked. I would spank him and then he would cry and be over it. I have stopped doing that because it is not having an impact on him at school, threatening to take toys away does not help, because he doesn't think long term, so it is hard to punish him after the fact. They don't do timeout in school, they only make them sit out of things and move their clip each time they get in trouble to a different color, RED being the worst. He does take medication and it seems to help but I don't know if it's the right one, but I also don't want to heavily medicate him at such a young age. He has seen 2 psychiatrists and 2 psychologists and I didn't really feel like he was treated for his symptoms but rather his diagnosis. We have tried social skills therapy, and seeing a therapist, but he is not an aggressive kid. He tells me that he tries to be good but he can't and he also has trouble telling me why he does things as well as lies sometimes. He seems like nothing would hurt his feelings and I just don't want them to kick him out of school. I am trying to work with the counselor and his teacher as well as try different approaches at home, but I just need that advice that is going to get us where we need to be as a mother and son. He is careless sometimes with his baby sister but he loves her to death. He doesn't think of others and I just don't know what to do anymore and I don't want his first year of school to be the worst experience. I am sorry for rambling on and anyone that took the time to read this, I really appreciate any advice.

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I am working with my son's school on a behavior intervention plan (I am hoping for an IEP, but do not believe I will get one). I really believe we need to head off behvior before it happens and there are signs on the play ground etc. when he is getting "out of control". I also think my son needs more exercise in school as they are cutting PE time and recess time. I am looking forward to replies and help as well. Thanks for posting.

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My son went through the exact same experience. He got tested for ADHD and has an IEP. Changed schools because the public school system did not provide nor were capable of knowing what to do. They kept punishing him and suspending him to the point of him not wanting to go to school. He had a low self esteem. He is now on medication for ADHD and another for his blood levels to help with the hyperactivity. Now, he loves going to school because they are very positive, don't focus on the negative, however, let/show him how he could of handled the situation better. Whenever there is negativity, they will continue going down that path. I never let my son know he is bad. We are also very positive in our house - no yelling - keeping him around postive things in his life. If you continue this way, he will see the light and each day will get better and better. It is not an over night transformation - it will take months. Good luck.

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Many parents have said this where the teacher says but he hits for no reason. Not the case, a child could have done something on the bus and my son did not speak up, and then later in the day another child said something upseting my child but he never said anything again. But the last time that a child possibly took something away or said something inappropriately, that is when my child exploded and got in trouble and still never told the teacher about the things that happened earlier in the day. My son is still learning how to communicate and sometimes that means almost like taletelling but in this case it is not, it is using his words and expressing what he does not like as well as what he does like. This one has been a long road as well - learning to tell someone how you feel.

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Thank you soo much for your responses. I appreciate all of your suggestions, advice and experiences. This will help tremendously! To Ditzydreamer: the example that you gave about hitting another kid because they took a crayon out of the box without asking is reason, most of the time. He is always telling me that another kid got up without asking, or talked out of turn and I am just having a tough time explaining to him that the teacher would handle those types of things. Then he also pushes or hits other with his backpack or lunch box while standing in lines or at lunch, and he says he doesn't know why so I guess it is an impulse issue. At the same time, the medication helps in all other areas because his teacher said that by the 2nd week of school he was following all of the class rules such as raising his hand before speaks, etc. For the last couple of school days he has had VERY GOOD days and I do know that he is seeing the counselor 2 times a week so that may be helping. Again I really appreciate all of the responses and it feels better knowing that my son isn't the only one.

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You are not alone. Everything you said your son has done, mine and probably others have done also. The medicine helps but a good positive relationship with your son and the school and all the positive things you show him is also very important. Over time, you will see the benefits of your hard work. I truly believe that school was a big part of my son's low self esteem because he only saw negativity with his actions. As I mentioned, he is at another school specifically that addresses what his needs are - he has an IEP. Believe me, to get an IEP was alot of work and money to pay a lawyer that specializes in that field. Good luck and don't lose faith in your child - stay on this side and do what you think is right for him.

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I am so glad so many people are saying to you, "you're not alone"--this is the absolute truth. My son, who is diagnosed w/ ADHD, is 15--he was diagnosed at age 9. My brother and I are both ADD--his issues were more like you are describing. I am also a former high school teacher, who taught many kids w/ ADD and ADHD and a children's minister now, with many ADD and ADHD kids in my flock. The replies before mine offer good advice--when possible, reward instead of punishing (get rid of spankings, by the way--he's figured out that they don't last very long and so their impact is minimal); have plenty of time for physical activity; get teachers on board with rewards--charts at school and home are a good thing. If teachers can find ways to keep him moving (some are willing to do this), that also helps. Try listening to books on tape at home while playing w/ Legos or building blocks to foster an interest in reading. Also, get BF on board with whatever program you come up with--if he's around this child, he needs to both understand and be in the program for disciplining the child. Work on social interactions--find outside opportunities to play with children of all ages--talk to your son about being a good friend. Finally, keep looking for the right consequences--they are an important part of discipline. What would he really hate to do without? At almost six (with ADHD factored in) he's just beginning to be able to tie behavior with consequence--you help him when you find the right consequence and apply it consistently--repetition is the key to teaching an ADHD kid. Keep at it--find other parents of kids w/ ADHD--and know that he will learn--he will mature--and with your help his way of thinking will be something that makes him creative and bold and will serve him well as an adult.

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Aimee, thank you so much for posting this topic! I swear it's like I could have written it myself!! For so long we've struggled to understand WHY our son would not follow rules that he clearly understood, and WHY no consequence seemed to make him care enough to do better the next time around. He's so smart and I refused to believe that he WANTED to be in trouble all the time because he's very remorseful when he does get in trouble, and senstive to other people. He is somewhat hyperactive, but being a boy I always expected it and didn't want to believe that he had ADHD. Then I started doing research and realized that things like impulse control are big factors too and a light bulb went off...he displays so many symptoms other than being hyper that I didn't even realize were symptoms! Our son is not yet officially diagnosed, but we are in the process and expect to start medication by next week. We are hoping and praying for relief soon because the poor kid is miserable... Thanks to all those who have responded to this post as well!!

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