Hi Glass,

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard time as a result of this - you definitely need a solution for both of your sakes. And well done on being so supportive, it's wonderful to hear someone who has your organisational skills learning so much about how to deal with ADHD to support their partner (not that such people don't exist by any means).

My recommendation is that between the two of you you develop a specific strategy that will make sure that he is able to remember the things that are this important for you - I think it's something that may involve a fair bit of effort but you do need to be able to trust him. I'll explain why I think this may work and then give some specific examples of what I have in mind.

My doctor (who is especially insightful into ADHD) said to me a while ago that the underlying reason for ADHDers being so forgetful is actually that they don't take the information in properly and solidly enough for it to form a long term memory in the first place. ie their (our, I should say) minds happen to wander off just at/before the moment when you happen to mention something crucial. The thing is, whenever I catch myself doing this it's always after it's already happened, and sometimes quite a lot could have passed while my mind was inadvertently elsewhere. Other times I really don't realise til well after the fact, and I'm sure there are many occasions when I never happen to notice at all.

So, the strategies I have in mind for when you need to tell him something that is of great importance to you and your ability to trust him are based on making sure that he can actually remember what you tell him. You need to make sure that not only have you told him, but he has heard what you've said and understood and remembered it.

Below are a few of the strategies I have in mind. A few may spark ideas for you that will particularly suit the two of you, maybe something will be perfect, maybe a combination of all of them will work, maybe none of them will suit you but hopefully at least they'll give a clear idea of what I mean.

You could have a specific thing that you can say to him that will signal that what you are about to say really does have to be remembered. You could both sit down in a particular place to discuss it, and then both of you could write down in front of the other (him first) what they've understood to be the key points of the conversation. You could have a book that you also record the things that are really, really important to you, so he can then read over it when he needs to and remind himself of what he needs to remember until you're both sure that he won't forget.

I think I had a couple of other ideas, but, well, I've forgotten what they were. Perhaps other people could contribute more ideas along the lines of what I'm thinking and that might give you further ideas for how to successfully deal with this.

Just a one more thing though:

You titled this post "When he forgets to love me". His actions don't tell me that he's forgetting to love you (in fact the opposite), what they tell me is that he's forgetting the things you need him to do to show the love he has for you. I think you may already be aware of this to a degree at least (as you said, you believe that he did actually forget, and don't think he was trying to be malicious and hurtful - so it's not his love for you that you're doubting, its his ability not to hurt you, which is something quite different).

I really hope for both your sakes that you are able to resolve this and you are able to have a wonderful, trusting relationship, and I think from what you've written that that is achievable. The best of luck to both of you.

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Hello again,

I've just re read your post and you said that he agreed not to tell you anything more about his past - maybe you could tell me more about the details of the conversation you had and I might be able to think of ways from that specific example of how the two of you can make sure he remembers these things in the future. It sounds like his saying that he agrees isn't enough (that doesn't surprise me, I've said that in good faith and then realised afterwards that I didn't in fact remember what I'd agreed to).

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I was beginning to think that no one was going to reply. Thank you so much for your wise words, Trina!

I recognize the importance of really ensuring that what was said was heard. In the future, if I have something important to tell him, I'll try some (or all!) of those strategies. It can be difficult, because sometimes he scoffs when I ask him to set a timer on something he says he'll do later ("What, you don't think I'll remember?"). Even though he knows he is very ADHD, he is sensitive about it and wishes he weren't. That can make it hard to suggest a new strategy for helping him, because he really thinks he doesn't need it. Fortunately, I can help him understand why such things are helpful for the future.

I think one of the most damaging things about the episode I told you about was that for almost a year afterward, he swore he didn't remember the conversation, which meant he was liability-free for breaking the promise. The former I didn't have a problem with - the latter I did. Additionally, he did not think he was wrong for having told me, and thought the problem was entirely mine (which I acknowledge - I can be horribly jealous - but that's why I asked him to keep his past to himself!).

This went on for more than a year, during which time he continued to spend time with exes, keep mementoes of old relationships, and mention past partners casually in conversation...even though he saw how distressed such things made me. It was only after I returned and he witnessed how traumatized I was on a daily basis that he slowly began to change his position. Even so, I "melted down" and seriously harmed myself more than a few times before he really understood that he was going to have to change his behaviors. Oh ADHD learning curve... :(

That one forgotten/broken promise has done more damage than anything I've ever experienced before. And while we're working to repair the hurt, it's gone so deep that it's overwhelming at times. I don't know if this is an ADHD thing, but as long as things are good on the surface (i.e. I am not currently pouring boiling water on my arm), he thinks that everything is okay, and stops making efforts to fix what's broken, i.e. my trust and peace of mind. Any advice on that front? You are very self-aware; I thank you for your help!

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I have a slightly different take on your issue. I agree that there are things that you and he can do to decrease the chances that he'll disappoint you again by forgetting something that is important to you, but I think it's unlikely that he'll NEVER again disappoint you. He is human, after all.

People with ADHD often don't read emotional cues as well as we expect them to - this has to do with brain chemistry, but it means that you think you're clearly communicating how important this particular issue is...and he may not be receiving the message. Even when you are saying something straightforward that ought to be easy to understand. I used to tell my ADHD husband that I was very, very unhappy in our marriage, and even why. He thought I was "just complaining" for many years.

You need to not only be able to help him remember, but you also must be able to learn how to let go of your own hurt and anger. Without both sides of this equation you are doomed to have another big issue (maybe not around sex, maybe around something else) that will pull you apart. For better or for worse, being with a man who has ADHD means sometimes simply saying to yourself "he just did something incredibly stupid/hurtful/dumb"...then accepting that sometimes that happens and moving on. This doesn't mean you don't talk about how it hurt you, etc. I'm just suggesting you must LET GO of your hurt. Forgive him.

There are some issues that are "bright line" issues and you'll know what those are for you. If his talking about an ex girlfriend, or having an affair (I would say this relationship sounds ripe for one at some point or another since he seems determined to flaunt his girlfriends to you) EVER AGAIN, is a bright line issue then tell him exactly what it means to you. If that's "If you ever have another relationship again while we are seriously together then I will leave the relationship" then sit down and talk with him about it - make sure you have his full attention, make sure he can repeat back EXACTLY what will happen. He won't forget that one.

If it's not a bright line, or dealbreaker, issue for you, then you will want to both improve his ability to remember (not so easy) AND improve your ability to forgive. You'll need both over the years, I promise you.

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