I've been crying and feeling sad a lot lately. I don't think I'm depressed, because this isn't like the depression I had at one point in my life, when I was much younger. Then I was in a black hole, feeling like there was no way out. This time, I'm feeling sad about my lost dreams, unfulfilled potential, ruined relationships, broken family, and feelings that, at my age, maybe it's too late for me to get my life on track, and be who I was really born to be, whoever that is. Right now, I'm not sure.

When I look in the mirror, I see an old, tired and sad woman, who used to be pretty, not a raving beauty, but attractive and vivacious. I used to sparkle. I want my sparkle back!

I used to go around the house singing, I used to enjoy playing guitar and keyboard, now those things are gathering dust, because I'm afraid of bothering the neighbors, afraid to make a sound of my own. I want my music back! I want my creativity, my music, my spontaneity, and my sparkle back!

I blame my ADD, if that is truly what did it to me, and I strongly suspect it is, because my disorganized housekeeping, and extreme clutter, has made me ashamed and afraid of getting to know my neighbors, or having people in. My chronic lateness causes me to miss important or special events, or to arrive flustered and frazzled, or not show up at all because I can't get ready on time, or get sidetracked, forget, get lost, or just suddenly change my mind.

I'm exhausted from fighting the incessant chatter in my mind that won't even let me sleep. Two nights in a row, I've had hardly any sleep at all, because of insomnia, caused by my mind that will not shut down or shut up! I've been trying to go to bed earlier, but it seems to just make it worse.

Does it get worse, before the diagnosis is officialized? Is all this turmoil a natural thing, before the turning point?

I was supposed to see my doctor Friday, today, but the office called me at work Thursday and had to reschedule my appointment because something happened, and the doctor won't be available til next week. I'm thinking I might go ahead and make an appointment anyway with the counselor that was recommended by my insurance company's Employees Assistance Dept. They offer 3 free sessions for evaluation, assessment, and referral.

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