Hello, I am new to forums, so don't know how to find your name without risking losing where I am here. I feel your pain, and just wish "reality" could be changed. But, from what you wrote, I think you, deep down, see trouble in this relationship--at least at this time. "Not calling" is not an Adhd problem--it could have started as such, but now other secondary has emerged. I was also concerned re. a man staying on the phone 6 hours. That is not the usual. Better you know now, than after a marriage. Be sure to seperate out these two things: (1) A relationship/marital issue, and (2) An individual demonstrating a serious personal problem/dysfunction. They get "mixed together", and are not the same. Your man, and I wish him all the best, of course, but he is having more than a "relationship problem". Think about it. Ask some others. First, for this to work, he would have to work out whatever is troubling him. Probably he is not intending to hurt you, but he sure is, and, just like the "leaking roof", sure--good times when it doesn't rain, but that roof has to be fixed. This probably means some individual help for him first--then also "relationship counseling",but he is not acting normal by any means. Rough to take--but please talk to a professional, Pastor, or older experienced friends--get their take first. If this is happening now, the pressure of marriage will make it really worse. Marriages are not meant to "solve problems".

How much this hurts to read--and hurts for me to be writing, reality is not ours to change--better to deal with issues first. E Mail if you want to discuss--and my best to you both. I am not just thinking about one of you and ignoring the other. This added pressure of marriage, given his problem(s) would be terrible for him too.

My best to both of you. Let me hear your take on what I have written, and any way I can help.

Friend Jeff

jes44@sbcglobal.net

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Hi Jeff44,

Thank you so much for responding to my post. It is much appreciated.

Yes, I agree, my fiancee really does seem to have some underlying issues going on which really need to be dealt with. He has been in touch since I posted my previous message, he responded to an email where I told him that the wedding was off (how can I contemplate marriage with a guy that has stopped communicating?!) - he responded by telling me that the reason he has not called or been in touch is because he is going through some financial hardship and that I would be better off without him for constantly disappointing me and putting our lives on hold. Unfortunately, this is not the first time that he has informed me about dramas happening in his life which have all put delays in the way of us being together (us getting married and him moving to the UK). I realize that it all sounds like a classic case of cold feet, but he always denies this and tells me how much he is looking forward to us being together, building a life together, having a family etc. However, a new drama always crops up just at the time when we are due to make a commitment.

He has always spoken about his low self esteem, always feeling like a failure, and being seen as the weird odd ball in the family. I love him dearly and I have stood firmly by him through all of his ups and downs - supporting him and encouraging him, and he has always said how I have made him feel cherished, loved, important and secure. Nonetheless, I cannot understand why he shuts me out. He tells me that he doesn't mean to hurt me, and doesn't know how to make things better. Neither do I.

At this time, I am far too hurt to contemplate a future with him and have therefore decided to end our relationship. I am heartbroken but I pray that I have made the right decision.

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It is possible that he is hyperfocusing on something, maybe his work. My husband has ADD, and never has forgotten my birthday. At first he had it mixed up with someone else (how wonderful), but when I told him that was the date that my grandmother passed away, he never forgot or got mixed up with that particular day again. Yes, he has forgotten appointments, but nothing that is personal. Yes he might have cold feet, I don't know. Perhaps you need to ask yourself if you want this sort of treatment all your life. Maybe you can handle it, but what about any children you have. It would really hurt if their dad continually forgot their birthday, or something special at school all the time. How would you handle that? Food for thought. Good Luck.

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First of all I want to tell you of how sorry I am that you had to end your relationship with your fiance because of his ADHD and all the major challanges he has with communication , having a relationship as well as all the other drama's in his life that hold him back from having a life. I can completely understand where you are comming from , you can't have a relationship if you can't open up and communicate with your mate/ spouse/ partner ( what ever you want to call it) It might that you ending the relationship will force him to finally deal with his own internal issues , it could all of his internal issues got to where they comsumed him and there for he wasn't able to give you what you need in a partner , I'm sure he was very aware of this but didn't know how to admit it because once he finally admited , he would have to admited that he failed to be a man and alot of times it's harder for man to admit that they failed , because they do not want to be considered to be less of a man . It might be that once he has a chance to work on himself that he will understand why you ended the relationship and will try reconcile with you . If it's meant to be then some times it takes letting that some one or something go and if it's meant to be they will come back to you .

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