Well since I last posted , a lot has changed in my world . Jeremy & I moved into our new home about a month ago . How ever the whole moving process and being in a bran new home has caused Jeremy's OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder) to go into over drive . This of course has worn my ADD brain out , having to keep Jeremy's rituals of checking & re checking , as well as the cleanliness of the trailer it's self. Jeremy is very orderly and he likes things in a particular order , of course we clash on this simply because I'm not orderly like that. I go by balance and how it looks to other people. Being ADD I have big mind for design as well as being creative and of course the OCD and the ADD clash, I get over stimulated by having to pay so much attention to every detail of the OCD ritual that, I'm not able to be creative and show that creativeness. I've tried to tell Jeremy how much his OCD over whelms my ADD brain, fact of the matter is I'm very smart and for the most part I can figure things out on my own, I have my own way of doing things but when it comes to Jeremy's OCD ( when he's in that mode) it' his way or the high way and it's very agrivating because being in a relationship with someone and being committed to someone - being in love means that you love that person because they are their own person . Now I will be honest it's been little over 2 months since I gave William up , how ever this month has been the hardest simply because I have this beautiful big home now but I don't have him with me so that him , me and Jeremy can share this beautiful big home together. I have two extra bed rooms but no one to fill those extra bed rooms , it's takes all the strength I have not to take all of the pictures of William that I have up on my walls. I try so hard to put on a brave face but deep down in my soul , I'm a mess !!!! I know that I have every right to feel the way I feel but no one could understand what I am going through ( only if you have experienced something similar ) I feel as tho I have just lost a part of my self and it's just really sad , it's dark & lonely . It's hard for me to go to the grocery store and be surround by all the mother's with their children , I'm ok when I'm actually shopping but when ever I am in an iLe and mother & child are in front of me , I become jealous , sad & angry simply because I miss William , I miss being a mother , I miss everything that comes to being a mother . Don't get me wrong if Jeremy & I had a child , it would be a blessing but it still would not replace William , there is no amount of childran that's going to fill that void that has William's name on it, in my heart.

On another note - I wish I could find some sort out patient place that would help treat Jeremy's OCD but takes medicaid and medicare . I am really wanting to find myself some sort of female advocate who is experienced with ADD/ ADHD couples like Jeremy , I am also seeking an herbalist so that away I can manage my ADD as well as improve my ADD so that away I can be a happier person .

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