Your complaint about housekeeping is actually very common -- Common Flashpoints for Spouses of ADHDers. It sounds like you are a patient person and that you and your boyfriend are willing to work at the relationship. At least you aren't calling him "lazy and stupid." ADHD and communication can be tricky, as you know first hand communicating with an ADHD significant other takes some finesse. But you sound like you are willing to put the work into it. Here are a few articles that might give you some ideas. (feel free to share these with your boyfriend)

Dare to Forgive Your Attention Deficit Spouse

Communication Secrets for ADHD Spouses

5 Ways to Fight Fair with Your ADHD Spouse

Should he need more ADHD housekeeping advice -- Housekeeping Made Easy for ADHD Adults

Good luck, Dena

Quote

Hi Dena,

I have the same problem in my household. If anything gets done that's real work, it is by me. I am so far behind in my own stuff, I look as slovenly as my boyfriend. I, too, am having daily anxiety attacks and a hair away from losing my job because my nerves are so shot and am making too many mistakes as I am ADD. Unless he really wants to change, things will not get any better - just worse. I have taken nine years of it. I have begged, cried, threatened, screamed, talked, encouraged. I praise him well on the exceedingly rare occasions he does do something that is actually work. I tell him how much help it is, etc...,etc... It never lasts.

With all of my heart I really hope things get better for you. I'll say a prayer. I'm glad you wrote in of what your'e experiencing. I wish I could give helpful advice to solve the problem, but it may be that this isn't a healthy relationship for you. I have finally admitted mine is not healthy. I would have got out long ago, but usually I am too disorganized to pull a quick exit. I am kicking myself for wasting nine years of my life working and stressing myself to death. It is a no win situation if the partner does not have any interest in changing.

Quote

Fenshea, first of all I want to say that you are right to expect fairness in your relationship. That said, unless your boyfriend is a jerk he probably wants desperately to be carrying his load. I am like you and your boyfriend combined; I have ADHD but a dirty house drives me CRAZY. But just because it's important to me doesn't mean it will get done. I just don't have what it takes do it on my own. And yet I am still responsible for my half of things. For me that means taking ADHD seriously, seeing a therapist, implementing behavioral strategies, and being open to meds in the future.

It can be very difficult for men in our culture to be the ones not bringing home the paycheck so the combination of not working and not being able to manage the household may put him at risk for depression, too, so watch for that. Depression makes it that much harder to do the simplest of tasks.

It sounds like the two of you are on the right track in tackling this as a problem together, rather than fighting one another (though if that happens from time to time you are only human!). Definitely seek out a competent therapist and get him started with a treatment plan. Good luck!

Quote