I am the ADD/ADHdD person in this relationship and it never easy to communicate with me when I am not taking my meds because I am also irritable , not able to focus and have a sarcastic moment. Find out why does he feel he needs a break from them. I know I do it when I have had real problems eating and sleeping or just can't afford them . Meds help us to focus and think before we sometimes speak but it is not the cure all. Is he picking up something in your tone??? that he is responding to Just a thought because I know when I perceive a tone or something in it I do the samething with the sarcastic answers

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Tanya,

I am familiar with what you are describing, and yes, it's certainly not pleasant.

You say you are well-informed on ADHD, but it sounds like you still don't understand why this is happening. Otherwise, you probably wouldn't be taking it personally, assuming that it means you are not worthy of respect, etc.

Granted, this kind of behavior isn't acceptable or excusable. But misattributing the reason for it -- and overpersonalizing it -- can make life harder for both of you. Moreover, it can overlay problematic emotions on what should be calm strategic thinking.

No doubt your husband doesn't realize how his behavior devolves when the medication wears off. This isn't uncommon. It's important that you can give him honest feedback without accusing -- and without him getting defensive. ADHD experts advise that the medication be in effect during interaction times -- that includes evenings and weekends, not just for work.

Good luck Gina Pera, author Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder http://www.ADHDRollerCoaster.com

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Gina has some very good points. I'm sure it is very difficult not to take your husband's behavior personally.

Gina's book will provide some valuable insight. Also, the ADDitude website has a whole section devoted to Spouses of ADHD Adults that provide communication tips for people like you and your husband.

Hang in there.

Dena

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My husband and son both have ADD and I can tell you that it all sounds good and well to say that you shouldn't take the behaviors personnally. BUT we are all human and no matter how informed you are or how much you "understand" the effects, there are times when your feelings and self-esteem are going to get bruised. As much as I believe the non-ADD spouce or parent should be fully educated as to what strenghts and limitations an ADD individual has, it also needs to be said that the ADD person themselves need to be fully educated as to what it is like to live, work, and love them. While I believe that mediction is often the right choice to impower the ADD individual. I also see many using their condition as a crutch. They feel that everyone around them needs to be more understanding and forgiving to their outbursts, rants, and disrepect. I personally don't feel that any disability should absolve a person from being self-aware and taking responsibility for their actions. Once a person knows that they have ADD/ADHD they need to make the effort to be "aware" of themselves, not just rely on the medication to "manage" their symptoms. Certainly the people around them can serve as a barometer but the ADD individual has to also be willing to listen and trust what the people around them are saying. Most people are not truly arware of how they are perceived.

I have a pretty strong personality but I can tell you that years (20) of taking the "blows" has at the very least eroded some of my self-worth. No matter how much logic you throw at the situation you can't but help feel hurt when you have a spouce that diminishes the bond between you. I would suggest that when he is taking medication you have a non-judgemental, non-accusational, and heart-felt talk. Remind him of the positives you have in your relationship and tell him how you feel at the times when he is not on his medication and how the differences effect you. I would think that if he can understand those differences and how they effect you he might be willing to join a support group or see a counselor. He then could gain tools (other than the meds) to be self-aware and receptive.

I come from a long line of family depression. I have learned what my "buttons" are, gone to counseling, take my medication, and stay self-aware so I can minimize the negative impact on the people around me. That is my responsibility and no one elses and I do not make it an excuse to be unkind to others. Everyone has "something" to deal with, none of us are free from some sort of personal challenge.

I do wish you the best ......

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Thank you jbuera for your understanding! It is good to hear about your longivity with your husband, it gives me hope ; ) Also, you gave good advice, some of which I do... some I have not thought of. Your words are very helpful and validating.

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