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| Thread : Relationship at Breaking Point | |
2 Jul 2009 @ 5:21 AM
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| fix-it-pixie |
Join Date:
Thu 2nd Jul 2009
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Relationship at Breaking Point
Hey Everyone, I'm new to this site, but I was happy to find it. I'm looking for some advice. I've been with my partner for about 4 years. He suffers from ADHD as well as some pretty bad emotional issues, which he refuses to get professional help for, so I seem to have become his shirink as well. Most of the time we work well together. When he has a bad day, and isn't able to face the world, most of the time I'm able to snap him out of it, or at least get him smiling. He's almost always able to get me to smile when I'm down. The point is...we work. The problem is his temper. I'm currently waiting for counselling because I'm at breaking point. If I get angry or annoyed at something I have an aggressive, scary monster in my face gritting his teeth and screaming abuse at me. His solution is for me to never have a problem, to never approach him with things he doesn't want to here, and not to shout at him. Now I'm not perfect and sometimes I get to my wits end and I raise my voice. I know it's not a good reaction, but my patience isn't infinite and after a long time of not being listened to I just snap. I'm the sort of person that if you give me a minute, I'll apologize, and he knows this. But still, he just gets in my face and scares me. Yesterday, I'd just left the doctors, and went to meet him. I'm not well at the moment, and with my partner being out of work I'm doing as much overtime as possible and I'm tired. I told him about something the doctor had said, and he started to give me advice about it. I explained to him he was wrong and I ended up shouting, trying to get my point across. The next thing I know the man I love is gone and he's replaced by someone telling me that for the past 4 years I've sucked his confidence dry, that I'm fat, ugly and lazy ect ect ect. This is coming out of the same mouth that told me the night before I was the best thing to ever happen to him, that I'm beautiful...the exact opposite. I told him that if he felt that way he was quite capable of walking out the door and going if I made him that miserable. He then tried to stab his face with my keys. At some point we got back to the flat and the next thing the police are at the door because someone called them. It's not the first time it has happened and it's utterly humiliating. I don't know what to do. I know I shouldn't have shouted and I've said that to him. But when I've tried to explain that his reaction was much more out of line than me getting stressy with him,, he informed me that he had to bring himself up and when anyone shouts at him he's not going to back down or run away like a pu*y. How do I get him to see that his behaviour is unacceptable. I mean he threatened to take a woman outside to the car park while we were in the supermarket because she reached in front of us to grab something, and wouldn't back down when my partner told her to stop invading our space. His anger is going to get him in so much trouble one day and he refuses to see it as a problem. He won't get help from the doctors. I'm at my wits end. I'm his girlfriend, but I feel more like his shrink. I never have any energy for myself because I spend it all on him. Does anyone have any tips that I can do in the home to either keep him calm or get him into something like cognitive behavioural therapy? He thinks I want to change him when I mention CBT...he doesn't realize that it's not going to change the man that I love and he likes in himself. Sorry to have ranted on for so long, and thanks for reading. A x |
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2 Jul 2009 @ 1:37 PM
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| Habbit |
Join Date:
Mon 26th Jan 2009
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not sure, but a few things to try
one, you might talk to his doctor, or a doctor, about trying him on different meds. helped me enormously. whats his awareness of his state, persay? whats your awareness of ADHD? helps if the two of you start by educating yourselves as much as possible, while tackling the pharmacutical angle as well. two, find a couples counselor who has experience with ADHD. speaking for myself, since finding out I have ADHD, ive become unpleasantly aware of many distortions in the communication between my girlfriend and i. she says one thing, i perceive and remember it another way. had no idea until a year ago. go figure! three, see if there are any ADHD support groups he might be able to go to. it was a major load off my mind when I first met a room full of people with similar problems. Maybe an ADHD group for him, and Al-Anon for you? My personal observation is that there are many traits shared between ADHD and Al-Anon'rs. Some people in my Al-Anon meetings talk about their spouses struggles with ADHD. Not sure what the wider ADHD community's opinion is on that, just speaking for myself. |
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3 Jul 2009 @ 8:06 PM
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| ADD RN |
Join Date:
Wed 21st Nov 2007
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I think Habbit has given you good advice
Because if he doesn't change his behavior he will land up in major trouble/ I'm not sure where you live; but if he ever puts his hands on you ; 911 needs to be called. Just because he ADD/ ADHD doesn't give him the right to abuse you verbally or any other way. Also the threats of physically hurting himself is another selfish behaviour/ Just remember you can only control your behaviour no one can control anyone one else. So if you know angry yelling confrontation sets him off. It is up to you to go to him non threatening and non- raised voice; however if he responds violently (and sounds like he does ) at least verbally. Do not engage him just let him know you are leaving the area be it to another room or if it really loud to somewhere else. Do not stay in the area and be abused. You do have control of that. Just keep your self safe. It not easy for any male to feel he is not in the position of taking care of you; he may be also dealing with depression . The work environment is really difficult out there. Don't make him feel bad he not working; for years my husband took care of the home and helped home schooled my daughter while I went to work. I actually thanked him recently for taking care of this for me because I couldn't do it due to my unorganzing skills and being the ADD/ADHD person Remember to thank him when he cleaned, cooked etc. If not doing anything then you may have to re-think your entire relationship. He needs to hear about his successes ; and encourage to participate in this relationship. You should not be his counselor because you will resent him if it goes on to long. And it does take a toll on you. You are his girlfriend not his therapist. Good Luck . |
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3 Jul 2009 @ 8:06 PM
Reply #
3
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| ADD RN |
Join Date:
Wed 21st Nov 2007
Threads: 9 Posts: 299 |
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I think Habbit has given you good advice
Because if he doesn't change his behavior he will land up in major trouble/ I'm not sure where you live; but if he ever puts his hands on you ; 911 needs to be called. Just because he ADD/ ADHD doesn't give him the right to abuse you verbally or any other way. Also the threats of physically hurting himself is another selfish behaviour/ Just remember you can only control your behaviour no one can control anyone one else. So if you know angry yelling confrontation sets him off. It is up to you to go to him non threatening and non- raised voice; however if he responds violently (and sounds like he does ) at least verbally. Do not engage him just let him know you are leaving the area be it to another room or if it really loud to somewhere else. Do not stay in the area and be abused. You do have control of that. Just keep your self safe. It not easy for any male to feel he is not in the position of taking care of you; he may be also dealing with depression . The work environment is really difficult out there. Don't make him feel bad he not working; for years my husband took care of the home and helped home schooled my daughter while I went to work. I actually thanked him recently for taking care of this for me because I couldn't do it due to my unorganzing skills and being the ADD/ADHD person Remember to thank him when he cleaned, cooked etc. If not doing anything then you may have to re-think your entire relationship. He needs to hear about his successes ; and encourage to participate in this relationship. You should not be his counselor because you will resent him if it goes on to long. And it does take a toll on you. You are his girlfriend not his therapist. Good Luck . |
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