Ok....let me start out my apologizing, this is going to a lengthy post, however I need to get this off my chest, and would appreciate some good advice. If any of you have been reading my posts - looking back now, I sound like I am bitching off about my partner always complaining about him blah blah blah. I've recently found myself in a situation that could be our demise (I pray to god it isn't). So here's the naked truth. I have been in numerous relationships, married and divorced twice. Held numerous jobs, impulsiveness is my middle name. I find that I am quick to temper, cry when I don't think I'm understood, overly defensive/protective of my ADHD children (as soon as he jumps on my children for doing something wrong, I'm jumping on him for jumpin on them!), and critical of others' parenting skills while my first name should be Hitler (I'm very strict, and demand common courtesy and respect from my children - and anyone in my life - BUT I also give it in return - and am very quick to point out when it's not given back to me "why can't you show me the same respect in return?").

So, here's the deal. I am in love with a man who makes my heart melt, legs weak, and body tremble every time he touches me. I never tire of looking at him, touching, him, holding him etc. He loves me more than life (tells me all the time) and loves my kids. We have only been together 8 months but feels like forever. Twice we were suppose to move in together, and twice I've pulled away. The first time I pulled away was due to pressure (I wanted to make sure after all the mistakes I've made in the past moving to fast that this was for the right reasons), this second time was due to issues regarding life (children, parenting, house cleanliness etc). I am absolutely heartbroken that I pulled away this time. Last time I wasn't. I was truly looking forward to this this time. This time I would have been moving in with this man (and this is significant) b/c I wanted to, and not out of necessity (as I have in past relationships). I rule my kids with an iron fist (single mom with ADHD), and he doesn't. Mostly 'cos he doesn't have to. I get angry when he doesn't punish his children for doing something wrong no matter how small or big. All he has to do is say, "you know better right?" But there's that underlying tone that his kids get. I don't have it that easy with my kids. I'm starting to wonder if I'm resentful that his kids are easy to raise. Then there's the house maintenance. He can't stand dirty hand prints all over the walls, and I'm ok with that 'cos they can be washed off. I'm ok with eating in the living room and spilling stuff on the furniture and carpet, 'cos after all it can be cleaned (he says "it's extra work - do you have the money to replace the stained carpet, or furniture?", my response is "well, if it was kid friendly - we wouldn't have to worry!") I throw my dirty clothes on the floor, he recently pointed it out to me in a very gentle way that there is a hamper in the room...LOL duh! He asked me not that long ago if "our" house was going to be as cluttered as mine? I tried to explain to him that I'm so busy (i run a small in home daycare) during the day, I don't have time to de-clutter. He says "I'll help". I'll admit it, I'm too busy caring about things that are sooooooooo important to me, I have a hard time incorporating his important stuff too. He's been to my family's with me numerous times, I have only been to his family's a few times. I'm soooooooo nervous that my kids will be judged (he's assured me different) for their outbursts, or fidgitness, and the lot. For the first time EVER in my life, I almost feel as though I don't fit in with a family (all due to new found insecurities). My partner is a wonderful man with a heart of gold. He is very close with his family, and is very much a family man. I felt as though I died inside when I told him I couldn't move in with him. It's like I'm in this little bubble that I'm scared to move out of. Problem is...if I don't soon leave this little bubble, I fear I'm going to lose him. I would be absolutely devastated. We love each other dearly. Someone please give me some kind of wake up call. Do I try what I can do to get over the way I feel and move in with him, or chance losing him over this indecisiveness and fear of mine? He's sooo supportive of me and the kids, I try to be of him. I'm really starting to think I owe him a HUGE appology and beg his forgiveness for being so impulsive, temperamental, over protective, overly judgmental, as just plain scared of finally having everything I've been looking for all my life. This man is my soul mate. I never believed in soul mates....oh and BTW....I forgot to mention that I am VERY independent. Being a single mom for so long, I have a hard time letting someone in to help, and lean on. He wants to help me raise my children (problem is - he doesn't know how to raise an ADHD child - dealing with the outbursts, tantrums, etc - he gets upset and argues back - that's, BTW, where my defenses come in). And, just so you know, my partner is not a saint...LOL he has big time anxiety issues. Which make him a little insecure in some areas. however looking back over the last little while, I'm starting to wonder just how much of those I've contributed too. Opinions and advice please!!!!

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