My head is so scrambled. I feel like I always learn backwards and I can't understand anything until the very end of the semester. I never learnt math, and it's affected my confidence greatly. I am afraid to get a learning disability screening, or to take an IQ test. I don't want an official label, and I'm not sure why I don't fit in. I know 2 of my cousins on my dad's side are severely autistic. Maybe I am too? I overeat a lot to numb my thoughts and feelings. My mind's always busy and I'm so tired of it. Sometimes I talk to myself, just to get the ideas out.

When I was younger, I used to create elaborate storeis and inner worlds in my head, where I would try out a device or an idea or scenario I'd had. It helped occupy my head, and sometimes I'd imagine the kind of relationships I wised I had in real life. I used to draw a lot in class and at home (still do), but even that doesn't make me happy; it's just a way to externalize excess energy - something to do with my hands. I've never told anyone about my "inner world'; I don't want people to think I' crazier than they already do, and I know my parents might get the wrong idea.. I don't even know how to tell them about myself. When I was a little younger, I used to imagine characters that were representative of different facets of myself. I try to stay away from the habit, but meanwhile things have gotten steadily worse at home. I'll reach a point where I just can't handle [i]everyday[/i] stuff, can't remember an assignment I'd just been given, nothing. How can there be a person who's just bad at [i]everything[/i]?

Eating a lot / overeating has helped me cope a great deal. When I started school I was very outgoing and curious. I felt intelligent and well supported. I felt different, but it was a good feeling. As I got older I felt more and more isolated from other people, even my family. I turned to eating when I was around 6 or 7. I started with food I was allergic to (I'm allergic to most fruits, esp citrus, and can taste/ smell chemicals somewhat accutely). I would even steal money or take food from other children to get my hands on more food. Nothing my parents tried worked; I was disciplined continously for a myrand of things from elementary to the beginning of high school. As I got older, I just felt so far away from my classmates, and I just couldn't handle the tedious workloads. Moving step by step, grade to grade was like hell to me...like I was living in some sepearate dimension! I made and lost 'friends' quickly (still do), and even tried to give people my things / my mom's things so they would like me, or at least leave me alone.

Schoolwise I've felt a steady decline unitl now; I'm a rising senior in an engineering program @ public university, and I still have trouble with other people , schoolwork, everything. Besides daydreaming I basically have no hobbies. Sophomore year was the worst for me; I pretty much lost whatever friends I had made, was lashing out big time, my mom even made me see some therapist who was basically feeding me lines. I opened up to them once; and they both would just give me this blank stare like they didn't know how to address my problems. I still had / have my crutch though: eating.

At 5'10", when I entered college I weighed 148 lbs. Last semester when I came home I was at 203. At this point I just want to find a way to completely disengage. I feel so alone, and I have no control over my mind or myself. I used to consider myself "gifted", but I feel like I don't measure up, like the "magic" has worn off. It makes me feel like a complete fraud. I have no idea what to do at this point. It's too late for me to "catch up" mentally, and at 20 I feel like any chance I had to be good at or passionate about anything has passed me by. I made an appointment for a learning disability screening, but I have yet to go... I feel like people would have to understand me to be able to help me... and no one does. I haven't told my parents about the assessment. It's impossible for me to connect with other people, or even talk to them without getting frustrated and feeling cheated and angry. My parents just see me and tell me to exercise and lose weight. Academically they gave up on me ages ago. They don't even know what it's like to alternate between being a mental zombie and being out of control internally. I [i]have[/i] tried losing weight, and I've tried going through my books and notes, step by meticulous step. I've even memorized hundreds of set ups to problems so I can somehow fool professors into thinking that I know what I'm doing. I just don't know what to do at this point. I missed out on my childhood, my teenage years, and I just don't want to feel bitter and regretful for the rest of my life.

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