Hi there:

I can sense your out-of-control feeling of desperation and I'm sorry that you feel so alone and overwhelmed. My first question would be: Why is your husband refusing to seek treatment for his adult ADHD? Perhaps if he understood how much it would help YOU (in addition to him), he could be swayed to meet with his doctor to form a treatment plan? You need help, and he's really the only one who can help maintain the structure that your children need - and he can't do that if he's suffering the same symptoms.

Have your children both been formally diagnosed with ADHD? If so, have you established an IEP or 504 Plan with specific academic accommodations for them? The problems with your daughter's homework could be solved with an accommodations that, for example, assigns her a 'homework buddy' in each class - a non-ADHD student responsible for checking to make sure she's written down and turned in her homework.

If your son's tutor discovers that he learns better visually, or orally, or kinetically, for example, appropriate accommodations could be introduced to help him accordingly in the classroom.

I would suggest spending some time in our ADHD accommodations channel, and our ADHD behavior channel, and then download our ADHD at School eBook, which delves further into depth on all these issues.

Best of luck!

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I know my son and I have adhd, we both have been diagnosed, so I can relate to the chaos. Sometimes I think I could write a book. He is 7 now, but when he was 3 to 5, I thought there was no way him and I would ever make it. There are no easy answers, epecially to the degree that each person has adhd. I am counseling myself and I also see a psychiatrist for my son and get parent training. Do you see someone on a regular basis, either personally or family? Of course you can't make your husband go. The old saying "actions speak louder than words", (you could go first). The money I have spent on my therapy has come back 10-fold. Just know that you are not alone, I still have bad days and my life is not perfect. I don't want my kids to think I don't like being around them. Children find their value and self-worth from us and how we handle life! You obviously love your family very much or you wouldn't be reaching out. That is why I hope you find some resolution. Take care.

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My husband too has ADHD but will not admit it for nothing, for some reason he thinks that would be admitting a weakness. I can't understand for the life of me why he doesn't see that his actions make him look worse. Anyhow, we have two sons, both of which have ADHD, but to very dramatic degrees. The 17 years old has the inattentive type, he is truly a gift from god, has always been an easy child to take care of. The 8 year old is the extrmeme opposite, he is hyper, tantrums, demanding, bossy, lacking in school etc.. And to top it off, I have my husband's 14 year old daughter who is the female version of our 8 year old, but include drama. Because her mother could not handle her anymore. I have been tested, because my husband kept saying it was me who passed the ADHD/ADD to the kids. Wrong, not me, it is definately him. The more I read and learn about the kids, the more I see all of the same things in him. I love my family dearly, but it seems as though I will NEVER have peace in my life and some days I just want to give up. Anyhow, enough about me. My step daughter was the same exact way in school, she is a freshman and would not turn anything in, it wasn't that she wasn't doing it, she just never turned it in. I requested a 504 Plan meeting with the school for months and received no responses, until the day that I emailed the counselor and copied the Assistant Principal on the email. The next mornign when I got to work, there was already a message for me to call about setting the appointment. The 504 has help all of my children tremendiously. The 8 year old ended up with an IEP, as he failed the language test. He now gets pulled from his normal class and get's the support of a reading specialist 5 days a week and writing 2 days a week. It has been tremendious!! He just earned "Turn Around Student of the Year". I have never been so proud in all my life. I never thought we would accomplish all that he has this year. I forgot to mention that I held him back in kindergarten and he is now going into the second grade at the same level of reading and writing as his peers!! It is wonderful. Now if I could just get my step daughter on the same track, I think I might see great improvements from her, as she is very smart, she gets A's on almost all test. Just can't seem to do the classwork and homework and turn them in! God bless all of you who deal with anyone with ADHD as I know first hand, it is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. Best of luck to you!

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I am so there with all of you! Reading these posts made me teary. Husband and 4 kids all diagnosed with ADHD. They all flit, like butterflies, from one thing to another with nothing really getting done. Oldest child (now 24) diagnosed 1st, then 2nd child (now 23). Like others, it became clear to me (and to kids & husband) that he was ADHD. But, like others, he refused treatment. It took his employer shutting down and him entering the job market for him to admit that his ADHD MIGHT be a problem. He blew interview after interview due to his fidgeting and distractability. After he was hired, it took a bad review (all ADHD characteristics) for him to realize MAYBE he needed meds. The older two also have mental health issues. The next in line is profoundly distractable. He loses everything. The youngest also has learning issues. I don't think much of Sylvan, as they don't teach the kids how to learn. We sent our oldest to a different place, which analyzed his weak areas and taught him how to actually learn. He jumped from reading 4th grade level to high school level (reading and comprehension!) in 6 weeks. He has never regressed. It cost a bundle but I wish we had done it soooner.

Chaos, oh man. No one ever puts anything in the same place twice. I'm just as bad. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ADD distractable, or just overwhelmed and depressed... Either way, it's not a pretty picture. Paper piles are everywhere. Laundry never gets completely put away (they'll do it 'later.'). Groceries never get completely put away (I get distracted by their disasters). We buy duplicates of what we have but can't find. Clutter to the max.

I've learned that a lot of times the ones in denial think that if they get treatment, it's like admitting there's something 'wrong' with them. That is the issue with our 2nd child. She refuses treatment. My husband's thought was that, sure the kids are just like he was when he was little, but he turned out fine, so they will, too! But do we really want them to repeat all the difficulties you had growing up?

Please remember that chore charts, etc., will only work for a short time, unless you are hyper militant. Novelty is important. Payoff is important. For me, "can I keep it going" is more important. Please also take care of yourself. Seriously. I didn't, and the stress about put me in the hospital. I am now on several medications because the stress chemicals burned out part of my digestive system. (I am not going to get more technical than that!) For me, that means taking a walk at sunset every day. Leave the kids with husband (maybe then he'll get a clue to your stress), and walk in the direction of the sunset for a good 20 minutes, then back. I got to so where I was checking the paper for sunset time.... Eat right. Join a chuch group. Find others to share with.

Our youngest is in grade school, and is starting to struggle academically and socially. I know we'll be doing the IEP and 504 route again, and my gut is starting to clench.... But, we're 10 years more knowledgable now. It WILL get better. I share ADHD success stories with the kids (FedEx, Kinkos, Henry Winkler, etc.). My kids know that sitting still and taking notes -- getting through school -- is the hardest part of ADHD ! ! Finding books with heroes like them is important, too. (Henry WInkler co-writes the Hank Zipzer books). Unusual hobbies are helpful. Interactive museums help the kids pick up information in different ways. Please remember to always include positive information about ADHD with other information to the teachers. ADHD is not a curse. It is a different way of thinking. If we were all completely linear thinkers, it would be pretty boring. Your children may very well help others in ways you cannot imagine. sigh It is hard to remember this when you have to follow them to the bathroom to be sure they actually made it there to brush their teeth. I still have to do this with my 13 year old. God bless you all.

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I am not sure that I can do much more than empathize with you. My husband and all four of our children have ADHD. My 15-yr-old just failed his freshman year for exactly the same reasons your daughter is failing, only he out and out refused to put anything in a planner, etc. Next year I am trying a digital voice recorder with him. I think that failing a whole grade was kind of a wake up call. He also has depression, and we just got that treated a couple of months ago, which seems to have made a big difference.

The 12-yr-old daughter just failed 6th grade. She developed severe anxiety over several situations. She refused to go to school and begged us to let her do school on-line. That was a joke. She still failed every class, which I think was a big wake-up call to her as well. We also recently started treating her for depression as well and she has started counseling. From my own, personal experience, clinical depression can cause symptoms similar to ADHD, such as inattention. ADHD meds work on the brain chemical nor-epinephrine. Depression drugs work on seratonin. If the seratonin issue isn't dealt with, inattention will continue.

We have 11-yr-old twin girls who have myotonic muscular dystrophy. They are ambulatory, but have neurological problems, including ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. They basically failed 4th grade (even though they let them go on.) We started a very long process last year, while they were in 4th grade that involved a neuropsychological exam, which gave us a lot of information. Our neuro-psychologist then sent us to a Behavioral Pediatrician for medication treatment. My husband is a school bus driver and I work full-time as an administrative assistant, so he is home with the kids in the summer. I started making him take the girls to their appointments without me because I was missing so much work. My husband had even been formally diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago, but decided that he didn't need to take meds. He tells the story as such: he was talking to the Behavioral Pediatrician, who, after three minutes said to my husband, "You must be the parent with ADHD." My husband was a bit surprised and asked how he knew that. The Dr. mentioned that my husband had changed topics about four times. My husband said that he was thinking of going back on his meds. This doctor does not mince words, and flat out told him, "I think that would be a good idea."

My husband did go on his meds, which helped some, but we have spent over two years in family therapy (we recently "graduated"). It helped with some of the parenting problems, but as soon as we were done with that we had an issue where he stupidly suggested that I was having an affair after reading some magazine article. I pointed out how utterly impossible and ridiculous that was, with my schedule and constant companionship of children, PCA's or being at work. He was like, "Oh, okay then." I promptly made him go to couple's counseling. We are getting way more accomplished there than we ever did in family counseling, but family counseling was mostly for our girls, who have gone from an emotional age of three to their actual emotional age of 11 in one year.

I have to add, that my girls did get IEP's this year. They were too smart to get them on an educational basis and too well behaved in school to get them on an emotional behavioral disorder (even though they have a case open with the county for this), but we were able to do it on the Myotonic Dystrophy. They each had their own case manager that they had to check in and out with at the beginning and ending of each day. This was the very best thing that they could have had, and actually were able to learn a lot of skills that my older two children did not have the benefit of learning (and of course, mother can't possible know what she was talking about). My twins graduated from 5th grade with straight A's. Next year they start middle school, so that is a whole different ball game.

All four of my children had to have eye therapy for vision processing problems. After all of that, my oldest was then diagnosed with Irlen Syndrome. Colored overlays help him focus on reading better. Also, having his tonsils out reduced the hyperactivity significantly. When he was younger, his pedetrician was on the board of Eli Lily, and my son was one of the first Straterra kids. It failed miserably. I kept asking about vision therapy and tonsils and all I ever got was that they didn't think it was his vision and that they didn't do tonsillectomies any more. We switched health plans, switched doctors, and got a referral to and ENT, who told us that his nasal passages were 100% blocked by his tonsils, which she removed two weeks later. He wasn't getting enough oxygen, which contributed to his inattentiveness, and he would rev himself up because he was sleepy. A couple of days later my kids visited my sister who is a science fiction buff. My son, the former tornado, was so mellow that my sister looked at me and said, "I guess the tonsils were the source of his power."

All of my children also have food allergies and seasonal allergies. Allegra has been very beneficial as has treating for food allergies. Keep those kids away from high fructose corn syrup. This made THE biggest difference in their behavior. That stuff makes my twins have a rapid cycling bi-polar reaction.

I don't know if any of this has helped, but rest assured, you are not the only one dealing with this. I have to spend so much time doing relationship management, especially between the hubby and kids, so that I don't end up with bloodshed in my home. Things are getting better, but even after 8 years of managing this, our lives are still often in chaos. Personally I think they like it that way, it stimulates the adrenaline.

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I am so sorry to read all of these replies, but it does help me to see that maybe my life isn't so bad or that I am not alone. Every doctor I have seen (and that has been alot) has told me that ADHD is 90% of the time, couple with another diagnoisis. My husband's would be OCD, we have atleast 3 of everything (boats, trucks, motocycles, four wheelers, safes, etc...) My step daughter's seems to be depression (most of that attributed to her mother, I believe) and my son's seem's to be the ODD.

I agree with the chaos theory, they feed off of it. However, it makes me extremely nervous. Thank god I take the meds I do or I would not be able to help any of them. I guess god knew what he was doing when he chose us to marry and care for our family memebers with ADHD, and for that, I pray everyday for patience.

Bless you all and take care of yourselves.

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I don't know where you live but if you're in the Long Island / NYC area, there is a wonderful Social Worker who specializes in ADHD and helping ADHD families. She has helped me, my ADHD husband as well as my ADHD children. I really think by working together with her, she can help bring about the change and balance you are looking for and so desperately need. Her name is Elaine Lerner and can be reached at (516) 487-0636 or email her at elaine@adhdparenttrainer.com. Good luck!!

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Hi... I just joined, but feel relieved to know I am not the only one who feels like they are going crazy. I have one daughter 7.5 formally diagnosed with ADHD-combo and anxiety, another daughter who is 5.5 year old and meets the criteria for ADHD and ODD and a third daughter who is 2.5 soaking up all their impulsive behavior. I am not sure if my husband has ADD or not but may qualify for ODD and does have depression. Our lives are chaos. The fighting between the older girls is overwhelming. My middle daughter causes the most grief with her ADHD symptoms and all-around obstinance. We are a little lost in how to handle things. I really feel like I should go on meds to better cope with this. We are going to a counselor soon to seek treatment, parent training for our middle daughter as she will start elementary school in August. One of my main issues is organization. That may sound funny for a 5 year old. However, she is constantly losing her lovey, her shoes and clothes that she demands to wear. It is always that one shirt that is in the washing machine. It is always my fault that she left her shoes somewhere in the house. I have to micromanage my girls to the point where I can't get anything done. It is very stressful.

My husband works a lot, undoes my parenting and doesn't back me up most of the time. He said at first that he didn't believe in ADHD. He is coming around and I hope this counselor will be able to help us make some changes. I can't take my kids anywhere and people look at me like I am a crappy parent.

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I hear you. What about suggesting to your husband that he take Omega 3 Fish Oil as it has many health benefits. (one of them is it helps with ADD) One family member no longer needs their meds, as long as they take the fish oil. Since there are other benefits he may be okay with it. Buy some Omega 3 eggs or whatever, and make a big deal about how healthy Omega 3 is, and see what happens. Best to check with your pharmacist first to know the correct amount to take. Good Luck

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I have a son with adhd, a daughter who might have it, and a husband who I am almost positive (will find out tonight) that has it. I thought I was losing my mind, but all of it is starting to make sense. I will also get tested soon as I have developed some symptoms, but I can't tell if it's as a result to cope with the chaos, or if it's because I truly am adhd. I am tired of all the unfinished projects, and tired of constantly being late (because no matter how early we get ready they still drag behind). Dh refused first to get diagnosed, but when he couldn't stop pushing ds' buttons (aggrivating), my son's therapist suggested couples therapy to figure out what was wrong, and that's when it was suggested that these issues might be coming from a diagnosis of adhd (we get the results today). I am hopeful that he can get some treatment and will be able to help us manage our children. I sympathsize with your situation and hope that you can find ways to cope. I will be trying some of the things mentioned - particularly the Omega 3's.

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In my house, I'm the ADHD parent, and I strongly suspect that my 12 yo daughter may be following Mom's neurological footsteps... although her teachers don't agree because she's testing advanced even though a year younger than the rest of the 7th graders. But my parents say that it's like watching my childhood replay with the disorganization and rapid mood and topic changes (oh look! Shiney!). In any case, I'm attempting to teach her what I've learned about behavioral modifications and planners because those will help her even if she's not ADHD.

At the moment, it's just the 2 of us, but my boyfriend is around a lot and we drive him crazy. I think if I hadn't made so many advances in controlling my disorder, I'd have driven him away like those before him. Of course, he has a son who's PDD NOS (has graduated away from a fully autistic diagnosis)... and with that being a sister disorder to ADHD, he's pretty experienced in what's going on.

I wish I could tell you how to cope with the stress and chaos you're dealing with by being so completely surrounded by people with the disorder. All I can tell you is that you need to set clear limits that include "YOU MUST PURSUE TREATMENT FOR THIS DISORDER... PERIOD." No one gets to decide not to take their meds, or ignore the disorder. I understand the several husbands with reluctance to have the diagnosis, we already feel stimatized and it's like proof that something is wrong with us after years and years of criticism (maybe not from you... but family, friends, know-it-alls at the grocery down the street). Encourage therapy if you can, therapists are skilled at steering people toward what they need.

All I can really tell you is that it can be better if they get the help they need. My house still has the piles and unfinished laundry (clean... never folded for some reason), but the scheduling chaos is way down, and with that came enough time in a day to spend actual time together. We play board games now as a reward for staying on task and finishing projects. Keep trying, you'll find the tools you need. My thoughts are with you, good luck!

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My son and I both have ADHD, he's 7 and in second grade. Thank goodness first and second grade are pretty easy going, or else he would have failed. His 1st report card was not exactly flattering. He's not aggressive, just completely inattentive. He does take meds and that does seem to help, but I think the teacher expects too much from him even though she knows he has a problem. The meds make him very quiet and then he tends not to speak up in class so that everyone can hear him. When the meds wear off, his voice BOOMS. Not a nice thing to have on a Sunday morning at 6 a.m., when you really wanted to sleep in. That is really becoming a problem. He can't seem to understand or empathize that mom and dad would like to rest on Sunday morning. He wakes the entire house up...to his sister's (6) dismay as well. She does not have ADHD, which I am quite thankful for. It's enough that he and I have it. And as for me... well, my middle name is disorganization. My scrapbooking studio...well, it's just a mess. I clean it up every so often, but then a short while later it's crazy. I see the mess, get overwhelmed and walk away from it. Then I feel awful. I'm forever forgetting to take my meds, but realize how productive and sharp I can be when I do. Silly me!

My son also has a bladder problem. I don't know if any of you out there also have ADHD children that still wet their pants. He's taking meds for that as well. It seems his bladder is not very large, he doesn't drink enough (I've even threatened to take him to the hospital and get an iv put into him) and he seems not to feel the pressure necessary to signalize that he needs to go. I'm really worried that the other kids in school will catch wind of "that" problem as well and make fun of him. He's also a notorious lyer and I don't know how to get him to stop. When he's not on his meds, he falls around as if he's drunk...can't even walk in a straight line. With them, he's coordinated, polite, quiet, handwriting like an adult's, he starts sorting his toys (which he would otherwise never dream of doing) and listens to whatever we say. It's a totally different child. At first it really freaked me out and I wasn't really sure if he should take them, but now I'm so thankful, because it helps him and us as well.

The only thing is, we usually face the brunt of things as we can't give it to him before breakfast, since he won't eat then and by the time he's home from daycare at 5 p.m. the meds are no longer in his system either. We can't give it to him then, because he won't be able to fall asleep. So, school and daycare have a well-balanced child, while we suffer a home with all kinds of behaviors we can't seem to influence.... such as the constant dawdling while brushing teeth, getting dressed or changed, eating properly at the table, not interrupting, hurting his sister, destroying his toys or furniture (ours and his). For instance, he will bite the outer wooden side of his bed or the couch table for no reason. He doesn't even think about it and doesn't know why he does it. He also still puts his toys, whether legos or playmobil figures...just about anything...into his mouth. It's a bad habit and I can't seem to break him of it. He also sticks the ends of his jacket collar into his mouth and sucks on it. Some time of pacifying behavior? Don't know, but for an almost 8-year old.... He also has basically no friends, besides us...his family. No one invites him to birthday parties or asks him to come over. It's so sad...but also difficult since he's in daycare and can't really meet up with any classmates. What's good is that he does really seem to want to do better in school, especially math. He does his homework in daycare, but we check it every night and let him read for about 10 minutes and shoot him math questions just to tutor him a bit extra. His reading is not what it should be. I think he might have a learning disorder or dislexia. (boy...this is getting long...sorry)

Well, those are my worries. I don't want him to fail. I want him to be self confident and stable. My husband can't seem to understand why I sometimes blow my top, when I get so sick of saying the same things over and over and over each day and my own ADHD gets me down. I just cannot get it into my head, why each day I have to explain to my 7-year old how he needs to brush his teeth for the millionth time, and why I need to explain each and every step on how to get dressed to make sure that he's not still wearing his pyjama top or his pyjama pants underneath his jeans, or to put clean underwear on. (headshake) I pray every day for God to grant me the patience to deal with it on a daily basis. The meds really help me with that, so I'm thankful for those too!

Okay... enough said. I tend to ramble when something is really troubling me and this is the only place I can let it all out.

Thanks for reading and any comments welcome!

Jackie

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This is a wonderful article. The things given are unanimous and needs to be

appreciated by everyone.

marqthompson

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