Yikes. I bet you are tired. Sounds like your son knows how to get out of his homework. Have you considered a tutor? Maybe if he is accountable to someone else who isn't so worn out (and isn't his parent) he will be a little more compliant.

It sounds like you have tried a few different tricks, but you might get a few more ideas from this article: Homework Help! A System That Works for ADHD Children

I hope this helps. Dena

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The education system has completely swamped children with homework. I watch grade school students carry backpacks that are as large as those carried by mountain hikers. For ADHDers of any age, homework is a dirty word.

At eleven years old, children should be spending more time exploring the mysteries of life instead of having worthless information rammed into their brains so teachers can satisfy the ludicrous requirements of The No Child Left Behind Act. I rarely brought any additional work home when I was in fifth grade. Now, eleven year old children are devoid of outside time in order to assimilate this deluge of needless information.

When an ADHD child is forced to sit still at a desk throughout a school day, it is natural for them to want to release pent up energy. This goes for other children as well. Maybe the system needs changing instead of the prescribing mind altering drugs mantra that has turned ADHD children into mindless zombies.

Don

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Something that helped for me in late elementary school and middle school, put in place by my therapist at the time was a half hour/hour of free time right after school, where I could do whatever I wanted. For me, it was being able to spend an hour on the computer, but it could be videogames or something else for your child. No one was allowed to talk to me for any reason during this hour. No asking how my day was, no chores, no nothing. After that hour was up, it was much easier for me to settle down and get things done, be it home or schoolwork, but I really needed some time to relax from the overstimulation of school

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I've been through this with my kids too. It's awful. And you try so hard to get your kid to do the work and still feel like the school is blaming you for not making your kid do it.

Eventually, in our case, we had the doctors telling us to lay off, that our relationships with our daughters were suffering. They were both also suffering from symptoms of anxiety. Of course the school didn't like that edict at all.

A few thoughts;

Might your son also have learning disabilities?

Does he need a bit more medication in the late afternoon to carry him through homework?

Does your son have an IEP? You can try documenting the amount of time and difficulty he has with his work and demand modification of his homework.

Is he able to do his work for someone else? If he can complete his classwork in school and only rebels at home, then he might be able to focus on it with a tutor or homework coach of some sort. It might not have to be a highly paid special ed tutor, but maybe a high school or college student could work with him at the public library or other site away from home.

Perhaps you could even work out a deal where he does his homework at school, after class or during lunch. My kids actually preferred eating lunch with their teachers if it meant they didn't have to do work at home.The structure and cues of doing the work at school enabled them to do more.

I think you should make an effort to work with your son's teacher so that she knows that you're working on the problem. But be firm on the amount of time you're willing to sacrifice to his homework. If he's in 6th grade, give him an hour of time to sit in his homework area. If he hasn't done any of it, then when the time is over. Move on to your other family activities.

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Obviously going through THAT kinda routine everyday can be tiresome.

Well, my suggestion is how about you strike a bargain with your child. A bargain to motivate him. You could set a reward for him.

Like for example, you could tell him that if he does his homework, you'll allow him an hour or two extra to play on his computer or his X-box.

you know you mentioned "arguing" well there is not point in that. children get you in an argument to harass you so you can leave them alone. instead what you should do is state your term, your bargain and walk away. that's it! don't get caught up in battles. keep your ego issues aside if they talk back. you're the adult, you're to act in a mature manner.

state your term and WALK AWAY!!

So....I guess that's it from me, Happy bargaining!!

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I have been facing the same issues with my 10 year old son. He hasn't started shredding his homework, but it is definitely a stressful time for both of us.

Part of the problem is I work full time, get home around 5:15- have to cook dinner, clean up, then homework. We don't start until around 7:00 PM and he is so tired. My husband does a lot of traveling with his job so I am basicaly on my own. When my husband IS in town he tries to help but gets frustrated and ends up just giving our son the answers.

His homework load isn't that huge right now, only about 1 worksheet a night for math, However, it takes almost 1 hour to get it done.

I also am so tired of arguing and reminding. We both are so frustrated. The homework is a reflection on what they have done in school, he should be able to do it on his own. I am trying to give him more accountablility with his homework stating that I will help him starting at say, 7:00 PM. If he doesn't come down (after calling him SEVERAL times) then I will not help him and he is on his own.

The problem is, he doesn't care. He will just turn in an incomplete assignment. I can't let him fail out, but I am tired of fighting.

Good luck! It is good to know I am not the only one struggling with this. I also have a 7 year old daughter who has a bit of a LD with reading. So between the 2 of them I am ready to pull my hair out. A tutor is not an option as I cannot afford that at this time.

Hang in there. Perhaps talking about the frustrations that you both have and having him come up with suggestions on how to work it out might help.

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To 'his mum' - i wish i had answers. my son will be 14 in a few weeks. 8th grade. has been essentially straight A student (since starting meds in 4th grade). still has mostly good grades, but the arguing daily has just gotten old. everyday he says he has no homework, or that he does it in study hall. he used to be the type to get homework done as soon as he got home, so he could do 'nothing'. been dealing w/ this behavior since he was at least 5. it just gets worse - hormone changes, the smart-mouth replies get even meaner and/or wittier. his answer these days 'make me', 'i don't care', or he just laughs and walks away. i can't MAKE him do anything. counseling didn't work well. every suggestion, i've tried. every book, article, forum has great suggestions for discipline,etc. but they only work with kids who actually listen/respect their parents. To d.r. johnson - doc told me to 'lay off' give him 1-2 hrs. after school before asking him to do anything, or to let him play ps3. so, i do that, and after 2,3,4,...hours, he still hasn't done anything i've asked. i can't even get a request out of my mouth good before he is yelling/screaming he will 'do it later'. and later turns into day after day. example: i fold clothes and ask him to put his away. "i will' is the answer for about 2-3 days until i can't stand looking at the clothes on the couch anymore! it is hard to choose your battles. 'his mum' - i feel for you, and i'm glad to know i'm not the only one dealing with these behaviors. it sure feels lonely sometimes when all the other moms at your kid's school looks at you like you're crazy if the subject of behavior comes up, and i tell them how he really is. if you find answers, please post!

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I just posted in another thread about homework. My son is 11 and is in 6th grade. He has learning disabilites on top of ADHD. Things are really bad right now when it comes to homework. I am a single mom with a first grader as well who also needs homework support, though he enjoys homework. He just likes to get praise and encouragement. But the older one...ugh. I end up giving up and telling him to deal with the consequences. That isn't exactly helpful but I am losing my mind. I can't afford a tutor. He does have an IEP that helps address some of the issues (like making sure he has his assignments written in his planner). But depending upon the night, he either says he doesn't understand it, forgot it at school, already did it (and says it is at school), is too tired, or is just plain oppositional about it.

Don't know what to do at this point.

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Oh homework! My daughter was horrible at it. By 2nd grade, it looked hopeless. No--really hopeless. Her teacher found unfinished work in a nearby empty desk. Several times. My daughter had nothing but meltdowns when confronted about this. Just sitting down with her, and helping with every assignment became a horrible nightmare, she was so oppositional about it. I think I would have had a nervous breakdown that year, if I wasn't in a position where I just couldn't. I was a single mom by then, no support, financially or otherwise. My daughter and I had been out of a place to live of our own for 2 years by then. I finally found an apartment I could rent, and a landlord that would rent to me. It was in a great school zone, in an otherwise severely troubled school district. Horrible apartment-we didn't have a working fridge for several months, but in an affluent neighborhood, with some of the best public schools in the state. It's always darkest right before dawn! I enrolled her in the school near the new apartment. This was right after a young man's corpse was pulled out of the chimney in her old school over the summer. It had been a gang-related incident. We were so glad to be out of there. 3rd grade in the new school she got a 504 plan and the school gave me a referral to a public health clinic for diagnosis & treatment of her AD/HD , after the new school went over her file from child-find (an early intervention service that had been virtually ignored by the old school-probably because of their very serious problems). She was put in a program for kids with organizational challenges where an adult would go over their book-bag at the end of the day and help make sure they had everything they needed. A special educator (who I owe more than I can ever really express) gave my daughter m&m's (yes, candy. m&m's to be specific) just so she would actually go into the room they did this in after school. Eventually I realized she had been, literally, terrified to go in there. "Help" meant "punishment" to her by then. It meant failure. It meant criticism. It meant being bullied even more and having confirmation that she really was a loser. Once she realized that wasn't the case, it was a whole different story. I had been listening to (the wrong) teachers, parents and other people who were convinced that discipline, more discipline, and then more discipline was the one and only answer. More and more and even more consequences, without taking her problems seriously, since they were all "excuses". Her 3rd grade teacher had raised 2 sons (successfully, I might add) with AD/HD. She was a god send. An advocate. An angel. She educated ME and my daughter, in the best way. Kids succeed when they CAN. It's up to us to give them every opportunity to be ABLE to. That doesn't mean letting discipline go, it means understanding that discipline means literally-"to teach". Lots of help, from the school (granted, not from all teachers, and not without a fight some years), from a public clinic ran by the health department (that has some of the most knowledgeable and caring doctors around rotating through it on a regular basis) & from every source I could find, and a mountain of books from the library for me, and now, in 7th grade my daughter comes home and starts her homework before I even get in the door. She's incredibly responsible, has initiative, and is as appreciative as a kid can be about her education. I'm serious-she's looking forward to Algebra, next year! She's excited. She loves science and math and learning about ancient history. Things CAN get better. NEVER even think "I've tried everything" already. There is so much help out there, if your open to it. A study skills class I was referred to by the AD/HD clinic my daughter attends made a world of difference for her. It was part of a research study-offered at no cost. Since I'm a struggling single mom with no resources, that's a big deal. Listening to their practical and positive advice made a world of difference in how I approached this, too. Believe in your kid, believe in yourself, believe in your family. Put your relationship with your child BEFORE what other's think and want you to do, or how you feel they may perceive you, because of your kid's difficulties. EVERYTHING changed for my daughter (and me) when I did that.

I think I'll just get a stepladder now, so I can climb down off my soapbox :)

Anyway, the point is, if MY little family can do this, yours can too. That's a good thing to know.

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Your post just brought me to tears. I too have an 11- year old son with ADHD. I dread homework. I spend my evenings tied to the kitchen table, repeating "Son sit down, you can do it.....and so on and so on. I spend probably 3 hours last night while he avoided doing what he was suppose to. Same amount of time the night before and to top it off, what we worked on the night before he lost and received a zero. He will get half credit since he had to re do. I found out he had the opportunity to do some extra credit, but he chose not to. He has never had bad grades like he has now. I truly do not know what to do. And the worse thing is I am teacher. I don't know how to help him. My husband just lost his job and I am working two and I am reteaching 6th grade at home every night. He is in a very expensive private school (that we can't afford) and I am just ready to give up.

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Homework is hard enough, throw in ADHD and the mix can be toxic. I commend you on your effort to do what was best for your daughter and for not giving up. We are our children's advocates and if you are talking and the teacher is not listening, go to the principal, if they don't listen go to the district. Our children should not be punished for having an illness or disease. You wouldn't punish a child with cancer because they did not feel well enough to do their work. I understand that ADHD may be used as a scapegoat and some think our kids need more discipline but they are wrong. More discipline will backfire 99% of the time. I was one of those parents who thought kids with ADHD needed more discipline until my son turned 5 years old and he went from a perfect angel to a child who seem angry at the world, lacked confidence and hid under the desks in kindergarten. We tried more discipline and it got worse and worse. The diagnosis of ADHD was like dropping a bomb on me. It took a year before I finally gave in and put him on meds and the difference was amazing, I felt guilty for not helping him in this way sooner. He was full of life and confidence again. Now in 2nd grade he has good grades. Homework is not always easy but by using simple techniques, it has gotten a lot better for our family. We need to reward every "good" thing our children do, even if it is turning off the light behind them or remembering to flush the toilet. This is what works, they already feel like failures or stupid or different, we need to pump up their esteem by acknowledging them when they do make the right choice or follow a rule. If you have not already, read the book Transforming the Difficult Child, the nurtured heart approach. It is a common sense approach that really makes sense. Basically it is a points and rewards system and it works as long as we as parents stick to it. It is a lot easier and healthier to point out 20 things my kid did well or made a great effort to do rather than have arguments and yelling over the things he is not doing well. We as parents need to be their support system and we need to help them. Hats off to you Megansmom for doing whatever you had to do to ensure your daughters success. Your story proves that it does not matter where you come from or what your situation is, there are resources out there to help our children and help us but we have to make some effort.

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Megansmom said: Oh homework! My daughter was horrible at it. By 2nd grade, it looked hopeless. No--really hopeless. Her teacher found unfinished work in a nearby empty desk. Several times. My daughter had nothing but meltdowns when confronted about this. Just sitting down with her, and helping with every assignment became a horrible nightmare, she was so oppositional about it. I think I would have had a nervous breakdown that year, if I wasn't in a position where I just couldn't. I was a single mom by then, no support, financially or otherwise. My daughter and I had been out of a place to live of our own for 2 years by then. I finally found an apartment I could rent, and a landlord that would rent to me. It was in a great school zone, in an otherwise severely troubled school district. Horrible apartment-we didn't have a working fridge for several months, but in an affluent neighborhood, with some of the best public schools in the state. It's always darkest right before dawn! I enrolled her in the school near the new apartment. This was right after a young man's corpse was pulled out of the chimney in her old school over the summer. It had been a gang-related incident. We were so glad to be out of there. 3rd grade in the new school she got a 504 plan and the school gave me a referral to a public health clinic for diagnosis & treatment of her AD/HD , after the new school went over her file from child-find (an early intervention service that had been virtually ignored by the old school-probably because of their very serious problems). She was put in a program for kids with organizational challenges where an adult would go over their book-bag at the end of the day and help make sure they had everything they needed. A special educator (who I owe more than I can ever really express) gave my daughter m&m's (yes, candy. m&m's to be specific) just so she would actually go into the room they did this in after school. Eventually I realized she had been, literally, terrified to go in there. "Help" meant "punishment" to her by then. It meant failure. It meant criticism. It meant being bullied even more and having confirmation that she really was a loser. Once she realized that wasn't the case, it was a whole different story. I had been listening to (the wrong) teachers, parents and other people who were convinced that discipline, more discipline, and then more discipline was the one and only answer. More and more and even more consequences, without taking her problems seriously, since they were all "excuses". Her 3rd grade teacher had raised 2 sons (successfully, I might add) with AD/HD. She was a god send. An advocate. An angel. She educated ME and my daughter, in the best way. Kids succeed when they CAN. It's up to us to give them every opportunity to be ABLE to. That doesn't mean letting discipline go, it means understanding that discipline means literally-"to teach". Lots of help, from the school (granted, not from all teachers, and not without a fight some years), from a public clinic ran by the health department (that has some of the most knowledgeable and caring doctors around rotating through it on a regular basis) & from every source I could find, and a mountain of books from the library for me, and now, in 7th grade my daughter comes home and starts her homework before I even get in the door. She's incredibly responsible, has initiative, and is as appreciative as a kid can be about her education. I'm serious-she's looking forward to Algebra, next year! She's excited. She loves science and math and learning about ancient history. Things CAN get better. NEVER even think "I've tried everything" already. There is so much help out there, if your open to it. A study skills class I was referred to by the AD/HD clinic my daughter attends made a world of difference for her. It was part of a research study-offered at no cost. Since I'm a struggling single mom with no resources, that's a big deal. Listening to their practical and positive advice made a world of difference in how I approached this, too. Believe in your kid, believe in yourself, believe in your family. Put your relationship with your child BEFORE what other's think and want you to do, or how you feel they may perceive you, because of your kid's difficulties. EVERYTHING changed for my daughter (and me) when I did that.

I think I'll just get a stepladder now, so I can climb down off my soapbox :)

Anyway, the point is, if MY little family can do this, yours can too. That's a good thing to know.

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One 6 week study skills class, one hour sessions, over the summer took my daughter (and me) from being a frustrated mess about homework, to her taking OWNERSHIP of homework. I'm not saying she doesn't mess up sometimes still, but she OWNS it, and she gets it done. Check out coaching programs, like Sandy Maynard's. Tutors, or even a high-school student that wants to make a few dollars and have a good reference may make a world of difference. I have found out exactly how un-productive all that hovering really is. When it's somebody OTHER THAN a parent that's helping/coaching/tutoring or just being there while the homework gets done, it takes the angst out of it. The kid can concentrate better. The whole household benefits. I found out, I can't MAKE my kid do homework, and trying to MAKE her do it was extremely counter-productive. Getting her real help with it-other than ME- made a world of difference.

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Thank you Audric's Mom!!!!!! I'm all smiles over here. :)

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We also suffered the indignity of homework with our three ADHD children. My son, now 13, was positively phobic. After fighting my way through his older sisters struggles, I no longer had the where-with-all to fight the fight again. I went to his counsellor at Integra Foundation (helping families with LD) who recommended a novel approach: no homework. She reasoned that he wasn't learning a thing by becoming so upset, nor was he making any progress at school. They helped me frame the proposal in a non-threatening yet firmly determined way. The school principal was on board and although the teacher was uncomfortable with the "unfair" circumstance of having one child who did not have to do homework, she did agree. After 4 years, my son is now doing relatively well in school; he doesn't HATE the entire concept of learning, he doesn't have the same number of stomach aches and headaches, he has actually learned to love math, he has worked his way to full integration in the regular classroom, and he is seen as a good student by his current teachers in middle school. I miserable, unhappy, frustrated child cannot learn. Who could? Homework is vastly overrated and really meant as either an accountability tool (see how much learning I am forcing your child to swallow) or as a means to completing a curriculum that is too dense to complete in the time allotted for it in the classroom. Very little of it is interesting, motivating, or relevant. I am hoping that his current positive attitude towards homework in small amounts will survive into high school, where the whole homework issue becomes a totally arbitrary, inconsistent, uncoordinated nightmare: often 8 teachers will assign 8 long term "culminating" activites/exams worth 30% at the same time - the last 4 weeks of the course. Your child will be overwhelmed and frustrated extremely quickly.

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