Hi, (warning: LONG post!) I am new on this board and don't want to start out feeling sorry for myself BUT..-I am sort of 'between therapists' now and- I am LONELY and can't seem to get myself back on track- even with good meds. I am a 49 year old woman, ADD, divorced, no children and right at this point, no real work. I'm really sad and confused due to breaking up with someone I'd been with for almost 2 years whom I cared deeply for. I was divorced in my mid-forties, after a 'late' marriage to begin with and it took me several years to have enough trust to get involved with someone again, but I did. It was really good. We had been dating for about 9 months, however, when he was fired from his job and began to be seriously depressed (he'd already been treated for depression and anxiety earlier, and had been up front with me about this) Nonetheless, we were very compatible, had really good communication between us, shared meaningful interests, etc. so I was willing to hang in there with him and see what happened. (I'd been let go from a few jobs myself...) At first it seemed like he was getting slowly better, as he decided to go back to school and finish his degree (from many years back). And that was great - even inspired me a little to think about a new direction for my career- but it didn't stick, he withdrew, frustrated, after 2 1/2 semesters. We still had a really good relationship, even though he was clearly struggling with depression, had even discussed it being 'permanent', but were both too 'transitional' at the time... Sadly, his self-esteem really plummeted and he got caught in the Depression web so much that he wasn't able to continue his job search. Meanwhile, I had lost my job ( we had been together for a year at that point) and was living off my small alimony and odd jobs. And, you know, you "can't live on love".. . But for me, the quality of our relationship was so much higher than my marriage, and even other relationships, and so much a joy in itself, though I wasn't 'blinded' by it and knew things would be tough for us, we stayed together and pushed on.

Okay, it takes me a while sometimes to get to the point. This past January after really struggling with internal things for months, he told me he needed 'some space'.. he didn't say why. So I gave it to him.(SOO HARD!) Several weeks afterward he got back in touch, we talked and he said very solemnly he'd decided he couldn't remain together w/ me since he just 'couldn't give me what I needed' anymore: what he felt I needed, independent of what I thought: security, stability, fun, and most of all his SELF, which if he even knew what that was, he was pretty sure it was not functional at all, even though he did love me (I KNOW, this is incredibly sad!) The funny thing was- I had been so insecure over that whole time, obsessively believing it was something with MY personality or actions that had been the problem, that I was almost RELIEVED that it wasn't.(but not QUITE) We BROKE UP. BUT we still stayed connected on some level, friend-like. We took care of eachothers' pets a few times when it was necessary, talked on the phone, semi-regularly, even saw eachother sometimes-not dates, just during the day. I guess it was hugely CO-DEPENDENT, but I couldn't help myself. About a month after, I got up the nerve and drew the line, said we had to stop being in contact for a while, so we both could really 'grieve' for the loss. But of course, I backpaddled on it. I had been really sad, but somehow I'd been sort of coping.(have good friends, on medication, etc.) I guess I was also thinking -VERY codependently- he'd finally get some 'help' (more than medication) and at least start to work on his problems, but he just wasn't doing it. I was so frustrated. I knew we probably needed to not be friends but I really COULDN'T let him go. It sounds so corny, I can't believe I'm even saying it, but that's what was happening. I had friends supporting me, they advised me to just leave it alone, it would be better for me that way... Meanwhile, "the ex" was just passive about it all, he didn't call me much, but when we interacted he was pretty comfortable with it, at least on the surface.

SO WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS ALREADY?? (sorry, I AM very verbose at times!)Well for starters, I have been in HEAVY denial, pushing away the knowledge that this just isn't going to work out for US, the US that I'd hoped and hoped would be around for the long run, wouldn't be. It had been on my conscience - I may not be the best at following through with it, but I have a major CONSCIENCE- things weren't right in how I'd been dealing with this. So finally just a few days ago, after spending most of the day emotionally frozen and getting NOTHING accomplished at all (real life-wise) I finally called and told him, this time with more commitment, we had to stop being friends altogether, that I realized it wasn't possible to heal from the relationship and still be friends w/ him. He was pretty understanding, given the fact that it was ME who'd been mostly staying in touch with him in the first place. Now, I am finally dealing with my sadness and loss, and it is really overwhelming right now. I had so much hope for us, and for ME, that I could have a least had a semi-normal life, because for reasons partially related to A.D.D. and partially OTHER, my life as an adult has been just really unconventional, I've had trouble finding and keeping work, and though I have other interests and hobbies and connections in the community, etc.. well, you guys know... Being in a relationship, among other important things, at least gives you a ROLE in life. Now, I feel role-less and like everything is worthless in my life. And its A HOLIDAY WEEKEND, so my friends are mostly out of town. (What the hell possessed me to have such SPLENDID TIMING?) Uugh!!

I've been around the block a few times being in my late 40's, and I've gotten myself through hard times before- I'm generally a fairly positive, hopeful gal. I am just looking for a little input from anyone who might have had any similar experience and have some words of wisdom or inspiration to help me through. (No Dr. Phil-types, O.K?) Thanks in advance...Sorry to run on so long! Ciao for now.

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