I would recommend a few ADDitude articles that may help your son reign in his aggression...

Helping ADHD Kids Who Hit

ADHD and ODD: Parenting Your Defiant Child

8 Steps to Better Behavior for Attention Deficit Children

I hope these give you some new ideas!

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my dearest HOPEFUL, don't fret, your not alone. I have a child too, that seems to be the bully. But I won't accept that he is just mean. I have dug even deeper into his behavioral issues. Guess what we found....ANXIETY. My son does not react well to the meds for ADHD either. This is typical in about 15% of kids. What we did find was anti anxiety meds such as paxil. We are in the begginging process of this one, and IT"S WORKING!!!! We started on the smallest dose possible. He is no longer hitting, pushing, shoving, and getting fighting mad when other kids poke fun or call names. (and oh how kids do this to each other) He is still making noises in class, gets hyper beyond control, but he is not as impulsive or agressive with his behavior. Now mind you, my child is only 7. We have him on 10mg in the a.m. ; If I have to up this med, I will, as there is plenty of room to play being on this low of a dose. No side affects, not tired, crabby, or seemingly menepausal. I don't have to call him syble anymore. He is happy. So therefore, so am I. Hope this idea helps.

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Thank you for all of the encouraging replies. I guess I am more frustrated than hopeful. I am considering meds but his previous reaction to the meds was sooo bad that I am scared to try anything else.

I am frustrated to see that he has so much going for him. but, because of his personality and ability to push people away, he is losing out on so much of childhood fun.

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my son is 11 and big for his age. absent father. grandparents that spoil him rotten and reinforce his attitude of blaming everyone else for everything. I've had him in in talk therapy for years but he seems to be getting worse. More defiant, contstantly distracted by social issues, arguments, anger that he is always in guidance office and never in class. Failing everything although he was placed in all honors courses because of his intelligence. So frustrating. I am currently researching summer camp for Adhd and social issues hoping that it might help

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My son has been called the bully but I refuse to accept it. I know as well as the doctor has admitted that he suffers from anxiety, that is where alot of our anger and frustration comes from and boy howdy doddy does it do a number on us socially. I understand what it feels like to have your child called a bully when you know in your heart that is not who your child is.

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We have become a society hellbent on labeling what was once normal behavior by young boys as bullying. Soon, "Bullying" will be another addition to the American Psychiatry Association's manual of mental disorders. This means the drug companies will further dig their grimy claws into the heads of unsuspecting children.

Bullying is a behavior that needs to be addressed by parents. Whatever happened to the parental responsibility model?

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My son is now 11 years old and did and still occasionally struggles with 'bullying'. It was far more often in 2nd and 3rd grade then it is now since he has seemed to become more aware of social circles and the need or desire to make friends. My husband and I dealt with his 'bullying' for what seemed like 2 years straight with constant at home punishments and long discussions. One of the things I have noticed with my sons ADHD is that he takes much longer to absorb the life lessons we are teaching. Repetition and consistancy have been key for his succesful development. He still struggles with his social relationships and keeping them but there is hope that as he gets older he will mature and retain some portion of what we are trying to explain to him about relationships. One suggestion to helping when you are with him and you notice these negative behaviors is to pull him asside and calmly explain to him what you noticed in his behavior and tell him what the appropriate response or reaction should of been. Social behaviors that come naturally to kids without ADHD don't come naturally to kids with it. Also explain to your child's teacher/ school principal how you are working with your child at home to correct behaviors which often lets them know this is something you care about and are not neglecting. Often adults have a very hard time understanding the difficulties that ADHD children struggle with so there is defenitely a need for a LOT of educating in the community.

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Personal accomplishments--that way he doesn't have to make himself feel good by making others feel bad. Consider an activity where your son is not in competition with other people, but with himself. We opted for swimming, because there was no way to argue with or blame the clock. Also, you are in your own lane and need to focus on staying afloat, so there's no opportunity to mess with anybody else. You are part of a team, but essentially, you swim to improve YOUR time. There's also a huge benefit in that swimming uses a ton of excess energy during practice; more than many sports. This is a major issue for a lot of ADD/ADHD children. Our son does better in school when he attends swim practice at the god-awful hour of 5AM. And it is a sport where there are lots of interim rewards--weekly swim meets mean weekly ribbon awards. You don't have to wait until the end of the season to see accomplishments. We don't have a Michael Phelps on our hands, but we have a calmer, more focused and successful son when he swims.

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My 10-yr-old also tends toward bullying. I use phrases like "that's bully talk", etc. to clue him in. Alot of his violence went away when he started on Trazadone, an anti-anxiety pill. I use Rescue Remedy as a back-up when he starts getting worked up. Find a doctor that does muscle testing-he can figure out which drug and dose will work for your child without the trial and error. Our doctor hit it with Trazadone-the 1st dose was a relief to all of us! For my younger son, the doctor prescribed diet changes rather than Ritalin or another drug. We also use an accupressure protocol NET to eliminate emotional issues. EFT is similar. Your son's anger could also be triggered by allergies and/or metal toxicity. Get those checked out also. We went to the Trazadone after all of those, and standard parenting techniques, didn't work. Once he started Trazadone, I was able to understand how anxious he had been all these years.

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It helps to hear that I am not the only one in this situation. My son is signed up for every rec sport there is. He is good at them and you would think that it would decrease the energy, but it doesn't. Certain sports, like swimming, he does not like. I am having him retested and I am considering taking him to the Amen Clinics. Has anyone tried them? I just don't want to try another medication without being sure that that is the one for him. Over the years, we have tried everything including going completely glutein-free/casein-free/no preservatives/no food coloring. We have tried all sorts of supplements, accupuncture, many other alternative therapies including EFT and homeopathy. He is definitely better than where we started, but as he gets older society is less forgiving of him. In the end, he loses out on many positive experiences. I think I will definitely look into the anxiety angle. One of his psychiatrist in the past actually mentioned it. However, at the time, I wanted to try to go meds free because I was afraid to try another med or he would end up in the hospital. Again, thanks for all the help and warm support.

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Your child[ren] aren’t always the ‘bully’ as you are writing here. Sometimes it just seems that way because teachers, administrators and others just want to say that because your son is the one that seems to yell the loudest, stick up for himself the loudest and is the one that ends up being heard (understandably not the right way mind you). You need to look past the ‘bully’ your son is being delegated as and find out why he is being called a bully and what his reasons are for the ‘bullying’ of other children. My son has not been told outright that he is a bully, but with zero tolerance in schools that is what it seems like he is perceived as when he sticks up for himself, when he is the one that is heard above the other kid sticking it to him, when he is the one that is being continually pointed out as being nonattentive, etc. Be an advocate, stop labeling your child as a bully and find out what the other kids around your child are pulling to cause your own child to want to fight back and stand up for themselves. Sometimes that is all it really is. My son didn’t like being put into a corner even when he was a year old. He would get out of a situation even then by just making his way out. As of this day (16 years later-now 17) he still doesn’t like being put into a corner and is usually the one that is heard the loudest because he can only take so much before he gets angry. And he is usually the one that is put in suspension because he stood up for himself. Nothing is done for the kid who baited him. Think on it.

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To many adhd kids they don't see themselves as being a bully, they can not control the impulses that make them angry at any given second. But, if we or their teachers can figure out what triggers a certain action or reaction in them, maybe they can help control the actions a bit. I know my adhd 4 1/2 yr old boy has gotten in trouble in school for hitting and throwing things. Before he was put on meds, it was a lot worse. He is very remorsefull and quiet after he hits someone, he knows its wrong and doesnt want to do it. His brain just doesn't process the inbetween step to stop and think about his actions first. I think that this step is the hard part for adhd kids to learn. Most kids hopefully outgrow it. I know mine is a lot better when on meds. Off meds he doesn't think or care about his actions at all. Everyone with an adhd child just needs to know that they are not alone. Especially if they are fighting against the school systems or family members that don't know what adhd is or dont believe its a disability. Mine sees a councelor at least twice a month, sometimes more. For the repliers that don't understand....this is usually not the parents fault when combined with adhd. If there is no adhd involved, now thats a different story. Please do not put blame on the parents when you do not know the whole situation. Kids do not wear a sign on them that says 'I have adhd".

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I have twin 11 y/o boys with ADHD and they are very different. We noticed early on that one son is able to take the perspective of others rather easily and is very empathetic. My other son, who is actually a bit less impulsive and hyperactive, has significant difficulty with perspective taking. He is not able to identify the feelings of another person or put himself in their shoes. As a result, he is constantly doing things that appear to be rude or obnoxious to the observer or recipient. When he was in 3rd grade, an irrate parent sent me an e-mail (with a forward to the principal) stating that my son was a bully. He had done some things on a feild trip that the parent felt warranted this label. In the research that I have done in this area, I now understand that my son has a deficit in social thinking. This is an area of the brain that processes social information such as reading social cues, responding to social interactions, etc. Children with Autism have significant deficits in this area of the brain. If you are interested in this, look up Michelle Garcia Winner's website- socialthinking.com. She has some great insights, books, ongoing workshops, etc to help you understand this area of the brain, how it works and how to help kids who have difficulties with social thinking. Her stuff is geared towards kids with ADHD, Autism.

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